127456 Techniques Outside Cover Impo.pdf ... - Love & Logic® · LOVE AND LOGIC ® and Raise Student ... technique with special needs children? • Are we maintaining the Least Restrictive

LOVE AND LOGIC®

and Raise Student Responsibility

Jim Fay

Charles Fay, Ph.D.

800-338-4065 ♥ www.loveandlogic.com2207 Jackson Street ♥ Golden, CO 80401-2300

Educator Package Schoolwork/Homework Package

$68.95 $68.95Over 14%SAVINGS

Call us at 800-338-4065 or visitwww.loveandlogic.com for additional “Solution Geared” packages

9 Essential Skills for theLove and Logic Classroom®

Powerful Tools to:✦ Help end students’ arguing and back talk✦ Guide kids to own and solve their problems✦ Build positive relationships with

challenging students✦ Raise test scores✦ Prevent problems and save teaching time!

$900.00

TEACH LOVE AND LOGIC TO YOUR SCHOOLTEACH LOVE AND LOGIC TO YOUR SCHOOL

LOVE AND LOGICGREAT VALUES FOR EDUCATORS


®

®

T E C H N I Q U E Sthat Lower Educator Stress

Charles Fay, Ph.D. is a parent, author, and consultant to schools, parent groups, and mental health professionals around the world.His expertise in developing and teaching practical discipline strategies has been refined through work with severely disturbed youth in school, hospital, and community settings.

Jim Fay is one of America’s most sought-after presenters in the area of parenting and school discipline. His background includes 31 years as a teacher and administrator, over 20 years as a professional consultant, and many years as the parent of three children. Jim is also the author of more than 90 articles on parenting and discipline, as well as many books, audios and DVD’s.

Over 21%SAVINGS

C

M

Y

CM

MY

CY

CMY

K

127456_Techniques_Outside Cover_Impo.pdf 1 9/1/11 11:03 AM

Love and Logic®

Steps for Success with Challenging Kids

Dr. Charles Fay Step I. Neutralize __________________.

Step II. ______________________ un-winnable power-struggles.

Step III: Prove that your ___________ is gold.

Step IV: Let their ______________________________ do the teaching.

Step V: When you have no control, apply the “____________________ ____________________.” Step VI: When they are defiant and disruptive, ____________________

___________________.

Step VII: Remember that nothing works without __________________.

For more information phone 1-800-338-4065 or visit www.loveandlogic.com

http://www.loveandlogic.com/

1

©Jim Fay & Charles Fay, Ph.D.

For more information visit www.loveandlogic.com or call 1-800-338-4065

The Two Rules of Love and Logic

Rule #1: Adults set firm limits in loving ways without anger, lecture, threats,

or repeated warnings.

• Adults remember that it’s their job to set these limits.

• They also remember that it is the children’s job to test them.

• As a result, adults only set limits that they know are enforceable.

• Adults provide choices within limits to share healthy control and thinking.

Rule #2: When children misbehave and cause problems, adults hand these problems

back in loving ways.

• Adults hope and pray that children make plenty of small, “affordable” mistakes.

• Adults provide strong doses of empathy before holding them accountable for the

consequences of such mistakes.

• Adults delay consequences, when necessary, so that they can respond with

wisdom and compassion.

• Children are given the gift of owning and solving their problems.

2



Neutralizing Student Arguing

There are few things more damaging than allowing students to believe that they can use

arguing, complaining, or manipulation to get their way, to get you frustrated, or to control

the tempo of your class. That’s why wise teachers use the following process any time this

begins to happen:

Step #1: Go “Brain Dead.”

This means do not think about what the child is doing or saying. Why?

By resisting the temptation to pay too much attention to what the student is doing, we up

the odds of staying calm. Yep! It’s a lot easier to avoid having our buttons pushed when

we aren’t paying much attention to the button pusher.

It’s also far easier to resist launching into some age-old yet universally ineffective

lecture. As you’ve probably noticed, reasoning and lecturing with an angry resistant kid

is about as effective as fighting a forest fire with gasoline.

Step #2: Calmly Repeat a Love and Logic “One-Liner.”

Listed below are some classics:

• I know.

• Thanks for letting me know.

• I bet it feels that way.

• What did I say?

• I argue at 4 p.m. daily.

.

• I respect you too much to argue.

• I’ll listen when your voice is calm.

• What do you think?

• So…what did I say?

Remember: This technique will backfire if it is done with sarcasm, frustration, or anger.

3



Delayed Consequences

Many of us were trained in college (and by our own parents and teachers) to believe that

consequences must always be provided immediately after a student misbehaves. This

destructive myth seems to have its scientific origins in basic behavioral research on lab

rats, mice, pigeons, and probably some Ph.D. college professors.

This “myth of the immediate consequence” has led many educators and parents to:

• Feel like they are incompetent because they can’t think of consequences while in

the “heat of battle.”

• React before taking time to anticipate potential problems with the consequences

they are providing.

• React before getting essential support from other adults.

• Discipline when they are too angry to think.

• Work with kids when the kids are too angry to think.

• Lose control and do things that they wished they hadn’t.

Take care of yourself, and give yourself a break! Here’s how:

The next time a student does something inappropriate, experiment with saying:

Oh, no. This is sad. I’m going to have to do something about this. We’ll talk later.

With very explosive students remember:

It’s often far wiser to let the student think that you have ignored the problem...and that

they have gotten away with the misbehavior. This simply allows you to buy time and to

get through the lesson without a major blow-up.

4



Empathy

Love and Logic won’t work without the empathy. In fact, if there’s no empathy, there’s

no Love and Logic!

Here’s why providing empathy before providing consequences is so important:

• Empathy enables students to use their frontal lobes...instead of their brain stems.

• This means that they are capable of thinking rather than simply reacting with fight

or flight.

• Empathy also allows the child’s poor decision to be the “bad guy” while allowing

the adult to remain the “good guy.”

• As a result, empathy cuts down on resentment and revenge.

How can we remember to use this skill when the rubber hits the pavement?

• Memorize just one empathetic statement or “trigger phrase.”

• Some Examples:

Oh, no. That’s never good.

This is so sad.

This stinks.

Dang.

How sad.

What a bummer.

• Remember to memorize one that fits your personality!

What if you’re too angry or frustrated to think straight?

• Experiment with saying:

I’m too angry to think straight. I make better decisions when I’m calm.

We’ll talk then.

5

©Jim Fay & Charles Fay, Ph.D. For more information visit www.loveandlogic.com or call 1-800-338-4065

The Recovery Process

This technique is designed to preserve the classroom learning environment when students become disruptive and don’t respond to other techniques.

THIS TOOL IS NOT INTENDED TO BE PUNITIVE OR HUMILIATING.

Each alternative setting merely represents a place where a student can go temporarily with the goal of eliminating the disruption...so that you can continue teaching. As one moves up the pyramid, below, the settings become progressively more restrictive. Generally, teachers are advised to start near the bottom and move up only as needed.

Before experimenting with Recovery, wise educators consider the eight key questions on the following pages.

Home

Recovery Room at school

An alcove outside the principal’s office

A seat in another classroom

A seat in the classroom out of sight

A different seat in the same classroom

6



Implementing Recovery Questions 1 - 5

1. What settings are appropriate for our unique school?

Develop a full range of settings from minimally restrictive to very restrictive. Students

should be supervised, but receive minimal attention. It is also helpful to have multiple

alternative classrooms to use so that a student is not sent to the same room each time and

so multiple students can be removed if necessary.

2. When should students be sent to an alternative setting?

Students should be sent when preventative measures have not been successful and the

student is interfering with the learning of others. Students should not be removed merely

for not doing their work.

3. How should they be sent?

Whispering a choice to the student such as, “Can you stay with us or do you need to

leave?” or whispering, “There’s a seat for you in Ms. Smith’s room,” is often effective.

The goals are to avoid embarrassing the student and to use sincere empathy.

4. What should students do in this setting?

The student should not be asked to complete work or receive counseling. He or she

should get minimal attention when in the setting. Counseling should be saved for later

when the student is calm and well behaved.

5. How long should a student stay in the setting?

Students should stay just long enough to get calmed down. For more serious misbehavior,

students should have a written plan for how they intend to avoid the problem in the

future. For more chronic problems, more restrictive settings may be needed along with

other types of disciplinary and/or mental health interventions.

7



Implementing Recovery Questions 6 - 8

6. What should a teacher do if a student resists going?

If a student will not go, remove the other students and have another teacher attempt to

remove the student. If he or she continues to resist, the administrators may need to call

the parents or the police. Do not attempt to physically remove the student!

7. Do we have support from our administrator?

It is essential that fellow teachers and administrators be involved in planning. Parents

should also be aware of the school’s policy once it is adopted. If the student is in special

education, this procedure should be written into his/her IEP with accompanying

documentation of parental notification and consent.

8. What ethical and legal issues may be involved?

It’s always smart to consult with your school psychologist or director of special education

for more information. Primary considerations should be:

• Have we informed parents and obtained their support prior to implementing this

technique with special needs children?

• Are we maintaining the Least Restrictive environment for this child?

• If we are frequently having to use this technique with a specific child, have we

convened an IEP or “504” meeting with everyone involved?

• Are we continuing to evaluate this child and setting, to best understand how we

can meet his or her needs?

• Are we documenting all of the positive interventions and efforts we are using on

behalf of this student?

8



Some Special Reminders about Recovery, from Jim Fay Page 1 of 2

The “Recovery Process” is not designed to make students do their assignments. It is also

not designed to punish, but is used strictly to eliminate annoying or disruptive behaviors.

The student who is uninvolved in their lessons, but not bothering others, should remain in

the classroom as long as their behavior is not interfering with the learning process. The

fact that such a student is not doing their assignment does not mean that they are not

soaking up at least some of the teacher’s wisdom.

Unskilled teachers, or those who lack understanding of the brain’s role in learning, often

fear that a student’s lack of involvement in the lesson will rub off on others causing them

to not want to learn. These teachers hold to the belief that kids don’t want to learn in the

first place and must be forced to do so. However, off-task behavior has far more to do

with unfulfilled basic needs and personal problems than a desire not to learn. It is a rare

kid who has a goal of becoming a failure.

In the event that another student ever asks, “Why do I have to do the assignment? He

isn’t doing the work. Why can’t I do the same thing?” the skilled teacher simply replies,

“Maybe you can do the same thing. All you need to do is bring a note from your parents

telling me that you don’t need to learn anything in my classroom, and I will consider it.”

REMINDERS:

• The Recovery Process is not designed to force kids to do their assignments.

• The Recovery Process is not designed to cure kids of emotional problems.

• The Recovery Process is strictly used to minimize a student’s ability to

interfere with learning and/or teaching.

• A student should not get personal attention from an adult while in Recovery.

This time should be devoted to getting one’s self back together. Students

should get time with adults when doing what is right, not when misbehaving.

• Do not send work with the student to do during Recovery.

• The attitude of the teacher should be: “You are welcome to be with us for

every good minute, this means every minute you are not making it difficult for

me to teach or for others to learn. You are welcome to use “Recovery” to get

yourself back together. We want you in the classroom, so return just as soon

as you know that you can be here without bothering anyone else.”

9



Some Special Reminders about Recovery, from Jim Fay Page 2 of 2

Effective use of the other essential skills of the Love and Logic classroom usually

reduces the need to apply the Recovery Process. Building positive relationships with

difficult kids is absolutely essential.

Kids who are willing to annoy the teacher are the ones who most desperately need to

develop a positive relationship with that teacher. For this you will want to

implement the essential skill, “The One-Sentence Intervention.”

This skill can be found in 9 Essential Skills for the Love and Logic Classroom. It is

also presented in Teaching with Love and Logic.

It is wise to build the Recovery Process into the Functional Behavior Plan for special

education students. Until such time, give this child the opportunity to take work with

them if they so desire. (They usually don’t beg to take work with them.)

It is not uncommon for kids who carry a heavy load of personal, family, and emotional

problems to need several trips to a Recovery setting each day. This is an indication of a

strong need for counseling or therapy. These kids are best reached by building a positive

relationship with them, not in trying to overpower them.

The true test of whether or not the Recovery Process is working resides in these

questions: “Can the teacher teach while the student is in Recovery?” and, “Can others

learn without disruption while the student is in Recovery?” If the answer to each of these

questions is yes, then the process is working. Don’t expect the Recovery Process to cure

the problems behind misbehavior or lack of motivation.

This attitude differentiates Recovery from Time-out. The Time-out process allows the

teacher to decide when the student can return. The Recovery Process allows the student

to decide when to return. However, if the student returns with a bad attitude, they should

be sent back to Recovery to do a better job of getting themselves back together.

When sending a student to Recovery, be sure to say, “You get back here just as soon as

you can. We want you back with us.” Consistently making this statement can eliminate a

source of problem with parents who might accuse the teacher of denying their child an

education by excluding them from the classroom.

10



Positive Teacher/Student Relationships

Research clearly shows that the primary element contributing to success with challenging

kids is a positive relationship between the child and adults in his or her life.

The “One-Sentence Intervention” is our all-time favorite technique for building such

relationships with tough kids. Listed below are the steps for this intervention:

1. Identify six unique things about the student that have nothing to do with pleasing

adults, behaving well, or completing schoolwork.

2. Using these interests or qualities, fill in the blanks below.

“I’ve noticed that ___________________________________. I noticed that.”






(Example: “I’ve noticed you really like to draw. I noticed that.”)

3. Approach the student, smile, and whisper the statements identified above at least two

times a week for at least three weeks. This is the “experimental period.”

4. Do not end the statement with something like, “…and that’s great!”

5. Do this only when it won’t embarrass the student.

6. Do this only when the student is calm.

7. Listen to the child if he/she wants to talk about the strength or interest.

8. After the three week experimental period, test this intervention by asking the student

to do something for you. Use the following words:

Will you do this (or stop doing that) just for me? Thank you.

9. Remember to smile and whisper. Also remember to walk away from the student as

soon as you finish saying, “Thank you.”

11



Setting Limits with Enforceable Statements

Here’s how to give away all of your power with a difficult student:

Tell them what to do. For example:

Adult: “Stop that.”

Child: “You can’t make me!”

Under these conditions it takes a tough kid a grand total of one millisecond to

prove that you have no power...and they have it all.

What’s the solution?

Never tell a tough kid what to do. Describe what you will do or allow instead.

Love and Logic calls this an “Enforceable Statement.” Listed below are some

examples:

• I listen to children when they have their fingers out of their noses.

• You may join the group when you are calm.

• I’ll listen when your voice is calm.

• You may participate as long as there is no name calling.

• We will stay as long as there are no problems.

• Snack time is for children who wash their hands.

• I grade papers handed in on time.

• You may play with that as long as there is no hitting.

• I allow students to remain with the group when they aren’t causing a problem.

• I take classes to recess when they can walk quietly in the hall.

12



Enforceable Statements for the Home

• Breakfast is served for the next fifteen minutes. Get what you need to hold you

until lunch.

• I give treats to kids who protect their teeth by brushing.

• I charge two dollars a minute for listening to bickering in the back seat.

• I love you too much to argue. I’ll listen when your voice is calm.

• I allow kids to drive the family car when they have made a deposit into my savings

account equal to the insurance deductible.

• I allow kids to drive my car when I don’t have to worry about alcohol.

• The car is leaving in ten minutes. Will you be going with your clothes on your

body or your clothes in a bag?

• I’ll be happy to do the things I do for you around here when I feel treated with

respect and the chores are done.

• The bus comes by at about 7:45. Will you be riding it for free or paying someone

to take you?

• I report illegal activities to the police.

• You may have a cell phone as soon as you can afford one.

• We may stay here as long as you are following directions.

• I read to kids who are sitting still.

• I allow___________________ as long as there are no problems...for anyone in

the universe.

13



Using Choices to Prevent Power Struggles

As we all know, control is a very powerful human emotional need.

Ironically, the more we give away, the more we keep.

What’s the key?

Share the control you don’t need or want so that you can maintain the control that

you do!

Listed below are some guidelines for giving choices:

• Give 99% of them when all is going well.

• Remember that when we give choices after students become resistant, we look

powerless and actually reward resistant behavior.

• For each choice, give two options, each of which you like.

• If you don’t get an answer within ten seconds, you decide.

• If the student chooses an option you didn’t offer, choose for them.

• Use care not to disguise threats as choices.

• Choices delivered with sarcasm or anger aren’t really choices.

• Give choices that fit your value system.

When things aren’t going well, don’t hesitate to say:

Who’s been getting to decide just about everything around here? You guys have.

Now it’s my turn. I need you to ______________________________________.

What’s the most important key to the effective use of choices?

Wise educators and parents anticipate potentially difficult situations and offer

choices BEFORE their students have a chance to argue or resist.

14



Examples of Choices for the Classroom

The following examples were created by actual teachers and are found on page 154 of

our book, Teaching with Love and Logic.

Have it your way! Do you want to:

1. Put your desks in a circle or in rows?

2. Whisper or talk quietly?

3. Choose your own partner? Have teacher choose your partner?

4. Edit your own paper or have a partner do it?

5. Have lights on or off? Have music on or off?

6. Turn in your assignment at the beginning of class or at the end?

7. Call your own parent or have your teacher call your parent?

8. Walk to time-out room alone or be escorted by the principal?

9. Answer the questions on paper or out loud?

10. Use crayons or colored pencils?

11. Choose topic one, two, or three for your written assignment?

12. Choose to eliminate one problem from the math assignment?

13. Find a way to solve your problem without creating a problem for others?

14. Read your book on the floor or in your seat?

15. Play a group game or an individual game?

16. Do the assignment by acting it out, reading it, or writing it?

17. Use your coupons for drinks, trips to the rest room, or an official excuse from today’s

assignment?

18. Choose the order in which to do the lesson?

19. Choose a topic to study from the several on the board?

20. Have a.m. recess or p.m. recess?

21. Have read-aloud time or study time?

22. Pass your papers forward or backward?

23. Have homework Monday through Wednesday or Wednesday through Friday?

24. Get your current events assignment from the newspaper, magazine, or television?

25. Go the library with the Monday group or the Friday group?

26. Turn your work in on time, or later for a lower grade?

15



Quick and Easy Preventative Interventions

Highly effective teachers know how to stop most disruptions without having to stop

their instruction.

They achieve this by using a variety of small yet powerful techniques. In his

audio presentation, Quick and Easy Classroom Interventions, Jim Fay describes

many of these techniques.

Listed below are just a few examples:

• Build positive relationships using the One-Sentence Intervention.

• Look at the misbehaving student, smile, and shake your head, indicating “No.”

• Use an overhead projector so that your back is not turned from your students.

• Wander toward the location of the disruption as you continue teaching.

• Call on the misbehaving student with a question that will make them feel smart.

• Send the student on a “therapeutic errand” (e.g., returning books to the library).

• Stand very close to the misbehaving student and continue teaching.

• Stop very briefly and whisper something to the student like, “Can you save that

for later? Thanks.”

• Hand the student a small note with this message: “Please stop talking. Thanks!�”

• While continuing to teach, place your hand gently on the student’s shoulder.

• Move the misbehaving student, or students, to different seats in your classroom.

• Use an enforceable statement (e.g., “I allow students to stay with the group when

they are not causing a problem”).

16



Guiding Kids to Own and Solve Their Problems

If children are going to survive and thrive in tomorrow’s complex world, they need

practice solving as many problems as possible...today! The following process is designed

to get kids thinking more about their problems than we do.

Step 1: Provide a strong and sincere dose of empathy.

Empathy allows the child to stay calm enough to solve the problem…and learn

from it. Experiment with saying something like:

Oh no. That is a problem. I bet that’s really upsetting.

Step 2: Hand the problem back.

After you’ve proven that you care, ask:

What do you think you might do to solve this problem?

Don’t be shocked if the student mumbles, “I don’t know.”

Step 3: Ask permission to share what “some kids” have tried.

Avoid giving suggestions until you’ve asked:

Would you like to hear what some kids have tried?

Step 4: Provide two or three alternatives for solving the problem.

Remember to avoid resistance by saying:

Some kids decide to__________________________________. How would

that work for you?

Step 5: Allow the child to solve or not solve the problem.

Resist the urge to tell the child which alternative to pick.

End the session by showing your faith in the child:

Good luck! Let me know how it turns out.

17



The Foundation of Intrinsic Achievement Motivation

In 1954, Abraham Maslow wrote On Motivation and Personality, describing his research

on highly competent people. The gist of which was that people are unable to reach their

true potential unless their basic physical and emotional needs are first met. He presented

the following hierarchy of needs famously known as “Maslow’s Pyramid”:

Self

Actualization

Belonging

Love and Esteem

Safety

Physiological

While great credit must be given to Maslow, his theory was misused by many to justify a

narcissistic, selfish approach to personal growth. Over the past half century, countless

people have engaged in a fruitless, empty quest for “self-actualization.”

From our clinical experience with underachieving youngsters, we’ve developed our own

pyramid of needs:

Academic

Motivation

Self-efficacy

Pro-Social Behavior

Control within Limits

Love and Belonging

Physical Well-being

18



The Roots of Achievement Problems

Youngsters will look lazy and act unmotivated when one or more of their basic

needs is not met.

Kotulak, in Inside the Brain, discusses research showing that the human brain has its own

built-in reward system to reinforce this learning.

When basic needs are unmet, the brain filters out any information that is not relevant to

meeting these needs.

The normal drive for learning can be derailed when the brain is called upon to focus on

more serious concerns related to physical or emotional survival.

A child’s struggle to meet basic needs is waged at the subconscious level. The youngster

is not consciously aware of the problem and is not able to tell adults how to help. What is

observed by the outside world is called apathy or lack of motivation.

The ultimate solution is found when the school and the home focus upon helping the

child meet his/her basic needs, thus freeing the brain once more to enjoy the process of

learning.

Educators have a powerful temporary substitute for basic needs being met at home:

Relationship. Many people from extremely dysfunctional family backgrounds have

achieved great things because they had at least one teacher who loved them. Teachers

who give this gift provide troubled students with a little “island of calm” where they can

learn.

Never forget: Positive teacher-student relationships represent a temporary substitute for

basic needs being unmet in other areas.

19



Evaluating the Appropriateness of Interventions for

Underachieving Kids

Every child and situation is somewhat different.

Rather than trying to live by hard and fast rules or “absolutes” regarding the

appropriateness of interventions designed to improve academic achievement motivation,

it often proves more productive to evaluate each unique situation by asking the following

two questions:

As we apply this proposed intervention, will we be violating any basic needs?

Many traditional interventions result in chronic control-battles, damage to adult-child

relationships, resentment, etc.

As we apply this proposed intervention, who will be working harder?

For true learning and self-control to develop, the child must work harder on their learning

than the adult.

Which are bandages? Which are lasting solutions?

� Point systems where the child can earn certain things for completing assignments

� Bandage � Lasting solution

� Taking the child out of sports or some other activity because of bad grades


� Building a strong, positive relationship with the child


� A home – school report system to make sure that the child is doing their work


� Lecturing the child about why they should work harder


� Helping the child learn about their personal strengths


� Sitting with the child and making sure they do their homework


20



A Five-Part Plan for Helping Underachieving Youth

Part 1: End the control battle.

Have you ever known a child who refused to do anything…for an entire year…just to

show his or her parents who was really in control?

Part 2: Rebuild the relationship.

The quality of our relationship with our students and our own children is a far better

predictor of their life-long success than how well we’ve nagged or punished them into

doing their schoolwork.

Part 3: Respond to poor performance with empathy.

Kids who believe they are valued only for their grades quickly learn to “punish” their

parents and teachers by getting bad ones.

Part 4: Focus most of your energy on what they do well.

Successful educators understand that troubled students are rarely willing to try in their

weakness areas until they’ve been built up in their areas of strength.

Part 5: Put character first.

Knowing how to do the right thing...even when it’s hard to do...is the foundation of life-

long success.

For more tips, view the DVD Hope for Underachieving Kids by Jim Fay and Charles

Fay, Ph.D.

21

©Jim Fay & Charles Fay, Ph.D.For more information visit www.loveandlogic.com or call 1-800-338-4065

High Achievers versus Low Achievers

As we can see, high achievers have a very different perspective on life than their low achievingpeers! In a nutshell, high achievers attribute success to:

Working hard

Practicing

Continuing to try even when mistakes are made or things get tough

High achievers believe:

It’s ok if things get difficult.

I’m responsible for my own happiness.

I can choose to be happy even when thingsare going poorly.

Hard work is the key to success.

Hard work and learning lead to pride.

I’ve got what it takes to learn and solve mostof the problems I face.

I have control over my own life.

Tough things are challenging.

I can learn from my mistakes.

When things get hard, it’s time to keeptrying.

I should serve my family, community,employer, and country.

Low achievers believe:

Life shouldn’t be hard.

Other people are supposed to make mehappy.

I can’t be happy unless everything is goingwell.

I’m entitled to success and all of its perks.

Hard work and learning create misery.

I can’t learn and solve problems on my own.

What happens to me is completely beyondmy control.

Tough things are unfair.

Mistakes are the end of the world

When things get hard, it’s time to give up.

My family, community, employer, andcountry should serve me.

22



Helping Kids Learn to Think Like High Achievers

As we observed on the previous page, high achievers attribute their success...or lack of success

to factors within their control. On the other hand, low achievers attribute both success and

failure to factors completely beyond their control.

It doesn’t take an advanced degree in psychology to understand how these two very different

perspectives influence one’s motivation and willingness to persevere under tough

circumstances.

Listed below are three steps for gradually helping low achieving kids begin to think like high

achievers:

Step 1: Write the following reasons for success on the bulletin board, wall, refrigerator,

a note card on the child’s desk, etc. Also commit them to memory.

� I worked hard.

� I’ve been practicing.

� I kept trying.

Step 2: Catch the child doing something well, and describe it in specific terms.

� That problem is correct.

� You’ve sat still for ten minutes.

� There’s a period at the end of your sentence.

� You put your name on your paper.

DON’T say, “That’s great!” Praise will backfire with underachievers.

Step 3: Ask the child to provide a reason for their success.

If necessary, point at the reasons from step one, and ask, “Which one?”

NOTE: It is essential that the child give the reason instead of hearing you tell

them why they were successful.

What I say is my reality. What a child says will soon become theirs.

23



The ABC’s of Training Kids to Do Chores

Ask your child to do a chore you are sure they won’t.

The road to wisdom is paved with mistakes...and their consequences. That’s why we pick

a chore that our child will likely forget about or refuse to do.

Don’t say, “Do it now!” Instead, give them a reasonable deadline: “Just have the living

room dusted by bedtime.”

This deadline buys us time to figure out what we will do if our child either refuses or

forgets to do the chore.

Bite your tongue.

If we remind our kids to do their chores, we train them to need reminding. That’s why it’s

so important to keep our mouths shut as we watch them blow it.

Many parents find it helpful to pray for mistakes. Yes! When we do this, it helps us

remember that the “price tag” of poor decisions goes up every day. It’s far better for our

kids to learn from mistakes when they are young...and the cost of such mistakes is still

small.

Consequences preceded by empathy will do the teaching.

Many parents find it effective to simply do the chore for their child...AND then provide a

consequence wrapped in a loving blanket of empathy:

� “This is so sad. I would love to take you to your friend’s house...but I spent all of

my driving time doing your chores.”

� “Oh, no. This is such a bummer. I had to do your chores for you. How are you

planning to pay me for my time?”

With extremely defiant youngsters, it’s often helpful to hire an older neighbor kid or a

professional to do the chore:

� “This is never good. Oh, man. Since I love you too much to fight with you, I hired

a housecleaner to do your chores. She left a bill for you. Do you have the cash to

pay her, or will you need to sell some of your things?”

24



Training Kids to Listen (and Comply) the First

Time You Ask

Step One: Create an activity over which you have total and complete control.

These activities are ones that you can cut short at any moment, or remove misbehaving

kids from participation. Pre-planning with other adults is often necessary to establish total

control over the situation. Examples include:

• An assembly

• A field trip very close to the school

• Recess

• Having a friend over to play

Step Two: Set an enforceable limit.

• “Students may stay in the assembly as long as they are causing no problems”

• “You may play video games with your friend as long as there are no problems”

Step Three: Don’t nag or remind.

Kids will always come to need at least the same number of reminders they are given.

Step Four: If problems arise, provide empathy and either remove the child or end

the activity.

Use very few words, no threats, no reminders, no second chances, no anger and no

frustration. Simply say something like: “This is so sad. You aren’t ready.”

Step Five: Be careful NOT to tell the child what they already know.

The vast majority of kids know why they are being removed or the activity is being cut

short. Telling them again sends the message that they are too slow to learn from the

consequences of their actions. If they act like they don’t understand, reply with

something like, “I bet you can figure that out. If you haven’t by next week, I’ll be happy

to explain it to you.”

Step Six: Repeat the activity so that they can prove what they’ve learned.

It’s critically important to avoid rubbing salt into the wounds by saying something like, “I

sure hope you can behave this time.” Just repeat this process without saying a single word

except something like, “You may stay as long as there are no problems.”

Helping Raise Responsible Kids Since 1977™

To order these, or any other Love and Logic products, call 800-338-4065 or visit www.loveandlogic.com.

The Love and Logic Classroom… More Cooperative, Higher Achieving StudentsNine Key Skills for Educators

Jim Fay and Dr. Charles Fay

As an educator, are you seeing more and more students gifted in their ability to turn entire

classrooms upside down? Have you ever felt so worn-out by their antics that you began to fantasize about a career change? There’s hope! In this live, fun-filled presentation, Jim Fay and Dr. Charles Fay share powerful skills, refined over five decades of real classroom experience.

09-94-120 | audio CD, 7 hrs. .....................................................$59.95

Love and Logic SolutionsUnbeatable, On-the-Mark Answers to Parents’ Most-Asked Questions About Raising Kids

Jim Fay

In this audio, Jim Fay will answer all your questions and help you end hassles about

curfew, raise kids who can cope, discipline without anger and threats, end sibling bickering, avoid being embarrassed by your child’s actions in public and much, much more!

09-94-137 | audio CD, 2 hrs. .....................................................$17.95

12-94-606 | mp3 download, 2 hrs. ...........................................$17.95

New ReleasesFrom Bad Grades to a Great Life!Unlocking the Mystery of Achievement for Your Child

Dr. Charles Fay

Your underachiever can grow up to have a great life! How can I be so sure? Over the past three decades, thousands of parents and educators world-wide have discovered

the power of Love and Logic. In this book, you’ll hear why character and personal responsibility form the foundation of lasting academic and occupational achievement.

02-94-082 | book, 146 pp. .......................................................... $17.95

Creating a Love and Logic School Culture Jim Fay

This book offers a successful, time proven, step-by-step process. Jim Fay not only provides the specifics of creating a Love and Logic school, he shares actual dialogs for dealing with difficult kids, difficult teachers, and difficult parents.

These strategies are those that are not found in typical adminis-trator training courses.

02-94-090 | book, 123pp. ........................................................... $17.95

Love and Logic Magic® For Lasting RelationshipsJim Fay and Dr. David B. Hawkins

The Love and Logic approach is the foundation for this book. This approach has helped millions of people raise wonderful, responsible children. Now we’re taking all that wisdom, which works so well with kids, and applying it to adult rela-

tionships. This book is guar anteed to make a profound difference in the way you communicate with others in your life!

02-94-074 | book, 156 pp. .......................................................... $17.95

Parenting Children with Special Medical NeedsFoster W. Cline, M.D., & Lisa C. Greene, with Charles Fay, Ph.D.

Whether your child has allergies, asthma, a bleeding disorder, cystic fibrosis, diabetes, epilepsy, cancer, an injury, or any other health issue, you’ll find essential parenting skills to

help children of all ages cope well with challenges, adhere to medical requirements, and live a hope-filled life.

14-94-147 | DVD, 185 min. ....................................................... $39.95

LOVE AND LOGIC®

and Raise Student Responsibility

Jim Fay

Charles Fay, Ph.D.

800-338-4065 ♥ www.loveandlogic.com2207 Jackson Street ♥ Golden, CO 80401-2300

Educator Package Schoolwork/Homework Package

$68.95 $68.95Over 14%SAVINGS

Call us at 800-338-4065 or visitwww.loveandlogic.com for additional “Solution Geared” packages

9 Essential Skills for theLove and Logic Classroom®

Powerful Tools to:✦ Help end students’ arguing and back talk✦ Guide kids to own and solve their problems✦ Build positive relationships with

challenging students✦ Raise test scores✦ Prevent problems and save teaching time!

$900.00

TEACH LOVE AND LOGIC TO YOUR SCHOOLTEACH LOVE AND LOGIC TO YOUR SCHOOL



®

®

T E C H N I Q U E Sthat Lower Educator Stress

Charles Fay, Ph.D. is a parent, author, and consultant to schools, parent groups, and mental health professionals around the world.His expertise in developing and teaching practical discipline strategies has been refined through work with severely disturbed youth in school, hospital, and community settings.

Jim Fay is one of America’s most sought-after presenters in the area of parenting and school discipline. His background includes 31 years as a teacher and administrator, over 20 years as a professional consultant, and many years as the parent of three children. Jim is also the author of more than 90 articles on parenting and discipline, as well as many books, audios and DVD’s.

Over 21%SAVINGS

C

M

Y

CM

MY

CY

CMY

K

127456_Techniques_Outside Cover_Impo.pdf 1 9/1/11 11:03 AM

Schoolwork/ Homework Package

$74.95Over 14% SAVINGS

Educator Package New poster design!

$74.95Over 13% SAVINGS

9 Essential Skills for the Love and Logic Classroom®

Powerful tools to:•Help end students’ arguing

and back talk•Guide kids to own and solve

their problems•Build positive relationships

with challenging students•Prevent problems and save

teaching time!•Over 90 minutes of

additional content!

$900 & we pay the shipping!NEW!Updated Version

LOVE AND LOGIC® GREAT VALUES FOR EDUCATORS

TEACH LOVE AND LOGIC® TO YOUR SCHOOL

Call us at 800-338-4065, fax us at 800-455-7557 or visit www.loveandlogic.com for additional solutions!

Documents

127456 Techniques Outside Cover Impo.pdf ... - Love & Logic® · LOVE AND LOGIC ® and Raise Student ... technique with special needs children? • Are we maintaining the Least Restrictive