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8/17/2019 116501238-Elle-Magazine-OJ-Simpson-Trial-Coverage-by-Amy-Pagnozzi.pdf
1/6
All
ato aelin
wants to
do
is have
some fun
Is
that so wrong?
Amy Pagnozzi spends quality time
with the clown prince
of
the case
of
the
century
henever he
isspottai
by
his public,
KaroKaelin
is always
obliging.
"Kato,
man, how yadoing?"
Kato-love
che hair."
It doesn't matter where
Kato's headed, or what he's
supposed to
do.
There
is
never
too little
t ime-no
matter
whose time he's on to ask
people's names, sign auto
graphs, swap pleasantries.
Clocks don't
faze
him. They
do me, but I'm me one whds
spent two
weeks
ofmy life
in
an L.A. hotel suite wooing
Kato's publicist, agent, and
lawyer
by
telephone and fax
machine
to
nail this sir-down
interview, which to Kato
The one that made
him
a star.
One day you're an under
emplo
yed
thirtysomething
houseboy
wim me sex appeal
ofLassie, next thing
QU
know,
Hollywood's
at your paws and
college
coeds are stripping
fur
you on the street, present
ing the glories that bounce
beneath their
T-shirts fur
your
inspection.
Karo
Kaelin
is
a
happy puppy these days,
rolling around in the karmic
wave that carried him from
freeloader
to phenom
as
ifhe
were
born
to it. People
ask
meifl'msick
of
he
arrencion.
It's an honor,
says
Karo.
"Every
person I meet
is
a sep
arate person. I{
hate to
go
up
to some famous individual on
the day he gave out his one
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suggest r.his was merely the truth.
On the day of the murders, he reminds
me, had his cypewrirer been working, he
would have composed a new resume co
tuck beneath apizza he imended to
deliver
personally
to
a casting director holding an
audition. Who knows? he says, perhaps
that pizza would have landed the role that
would
have
made him as famous as h is
now because of the murders.
Sounds like DNA odds co me. To Kaco,
"You can't know
1
wouldn't be F.unous now
and I can't know that. l always knew some
thing, whatever, was going
to
happen in my
life.
I
always
knew
la be
here."
When
Kato talks
locations,
he is
talking
degrees
of fame.
Here"
Famous.
Up
there, more
famous.
Acmallocations are
problematic, because he does not
n d ~ r a n d
you can only
be
in one place at a time and
must choose between all those
A-list
parties,
show-business meetings, and hotnew babes.
When, by some miracle,
be
shows up at
my hotel for our interview only s ~ g h c l y lace,
he gets
waylaid
further in r.he
lobby.
".Am-age " he trills over the
hous
e phone.
(No matter how short your name, be
diminutizes it
furthe.r.
Amy,
An1age. The
Juice,
Juiceag
e ) "You have co rome down
her job with an Asian airlines carrier.
''Where's your
camera?
she demands when
she s s me
T
ell her
I
am
a writer, not a
photographer.
She
sends me
to my room to
search
lOr
a
disposable
camera
in
the
mini-
bar,
saying, ''Go now. Rod won't wait.
I
know my \Vay around rhe
minibar;
llmow
there's
no camera in
there; obligingly,
1
go
anyway.
When get back, Karo is
air
playing
the guitar with Rod's band (Rod never
s
howed
)
while
she
rakes
phoco afi:er photo
with acamerashe has somehow managed
to
borrow. One
of
he original m
embers
of
he
c e ~ is offering Kato front-row seats and
backstage passes to Rod's L.A. g
ig
as
I'm
dragging Karo back
to
my room.
T
d
love
ro
go, ifl 'm around,"
I bur
his manners, when it comes
to
remember
ing names, opening doors, saying please
and thank you, and avoiding profimiry, are
impeccable. Once in my
room, he
notices I
got my hair trimmed,
mixes
me his signa
ture Karo Kaelin
Global Fan
Club rock.rail
(apple juice and iced rea), then shows me
to the couch, plopping to the
£loor
at my
underemployed to be
available,
someone
s
uffici
ently beholden tha t you can send
rum back to his room, like
an
actual kid.
When he gives you that trademark
rorally
rapt-bur-slighdy-bcwildered look, you
feel
powerful by comparison. You know the
expression
I mean;
i c ~ d1e
oneyour doggets
when you've got a pocketful
of
Milk-Bones.
Kid and animal analogies are inescapable
in any disrussion
of
heman; everyonewho
knows him
uses them.
''Kato reminds meof
a puppy or a kirten- he's got this playful,
innocent-but-rroublemaking quality to
his
character, says director Savage Steve
Holland, who in fact
cast
Kato
as
Kat the
Kitten in his FOX cartoon Eek The
CAt
He's
so vivacious."
Holland
adds.
He's
kind ofl.ilre
r.heprom king but even though
be's
the
prom
king,
you still like him.
Brian "Kaco'' Kaelin, who took his
nickname from a character
on the V
show The Grem
Hornet,
was, in
fact,
prom king
at Nicoler
High
,
School in
G
lendal
e,
Wtsconsin, and prides
him-
self on being congenial. He
says
he
mixed with greasers and stoners in
school as
easily
as he
did with thejocks
and the drill-team girls:
"T
didn't have
any
Favorites,
and that's the truth, he
declares earnestly.
His mother, Isabelle, who worked as
an industrial .nurse at the Schlitz
Br
ewery when he
was
growing up,
says
that from his first day in the
first
grade
ar Our Lady ofGood Hope
parochial
school, he
was
always "very, very popu
lar. We
hav
e a grear
big
backyard, and
hewas always putting on sl;ows for the
kids here. Kato's
Favorite
act? Scooting
inside the
house
to come bounding our wid1
his
clectcic guiCU",
on
which he would
airplay
Born to Run while Bruce Springsteen
blared
&om
the stereo.
He d1ought he
\vas
Bmce Springsteen,
says
Kato
's
thirty-seven-year-old
sister, GaiL
the little girls used to scream when he
'played' he was always so up. Kato's were
tough fOotsteps to follow." In d1ose days he
was known as
Brian,
the restofthesix Kaelin
siblings were
known
as Brian's
brothers
and
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l rofile
health-care professionals
.
Kato
was the only
one of
Al's
kids who never held down a
tra
ditional job; his father had a problem wiLh
thar. AI felt
he
needed to
find
some profes-.
sion, some trade- something other than
C
l
ass
Clown
to
pur
on
his
resume.
"I always thought my dad
was tough
on
me, Kato recalls.
'1tsrarnxi
when
I was
in school. He wanted me to be a pro
ballplayer, and
Twas good
enough
to
have a
shot, but
I was
n't commirred.
1
preferred
hanging with my buddies co mnning and
working out.
To this day,
Ka
to
Eek
The atdirector Holland daims,
There are 2illions ofguys like Karo
out
here inL who reason that at some point
you
aan
onlydo so much, then
you're
wait
ing for your
break.
You just open yourself
up
and l
et
it come in, instead
of
putting it
out. And sometimes it happens; people
who don't work all thar nard suddenly
become famous.
lr
's happening for Kato. A Roseanne
episode heappears
in
bas not
yt t aired,
but
there are movie roles he could take right
n
ow,
ifhewanted them.
Eek T/;e
Gtt and
occasiona
l stints host
does
not
have
the
f o c u ~
his father wanted for
him. nr just always
wanted ro be on the
top, in
something, to
be
in d1e
spoilighr
. I
never
gave up," Kato says.
Alone with Kato,
you can
see how pleasant
it mus
t have
ing
Talk Soup
keep
him
afloat till he
plays
Vegas
with Anderson,
whom he'll also
accompany
on
che
road. Ir's almost as
if
he can't
put
his foot
down without step
ping in it. When Kato
went
to
see
the
heavy
metal band Anthrax,
they told him, even
though he can't sing,
that he could
jo
in
their group. When he
flew back toLA from
the Kentucky Derby
(where he
was
f ~ t e d
with Muhammed Ali ,
hejust happened, hav-
He
decided Cali
fornia was the place
where destiny would
find him after
taking
a
trip to Redlands with
one
of
his high school
buddies. Just over
a
year
later,
he transferred to
a college in che area.
Again, he had a slight
problem
with
location.
1 thought Redlands
was
LA ,
he
admits.
been for OJ and
Nicole
to have
someone
so determinedly
ingratiating
hanging around
the house.
How
did I know
what was meant co bappeo ro me when I
growing
up?" says Kato.
I
was
pretty,
no ,
very
hip back then-
I
mean,
1always
knew I was way, way ahead ofmy time. I
remember when I was a lirde kid looking
in the mirror sometimes, when
fd
get into
an argumenr with my dad or something,
r
remember crying
all
the time and going:
Tm
eaving. I
am
not
stay
ing here. I'm l
eav
ing.' (He says these words in a sniveling,
childish voice.) I'd wa.ir until I'd stopped
bawling. And then fd move away
Tom
the
mirror. J knew I was supposed to be
Infur here.
ing been bumped up
to
first
class, co be seared next ro Jon Lovit'l..
Lovitt
offered hi
m a
ro
le
on bis FOX car
toon
series, The
Critic.
'T
m going
to
conquer
this
comedy thing
first, declares Karo. I've got Louie
Anderson,
T
can't ask
fo
r anything mor
e.
He's brilliant, he's a genius. He h
as
an
insight
in
m
e
l mean, he justknows
me.
rand-up comedy, perhaps an
album, his own
TV
show, and
definitely movies are what he
sees in his furure, for srarters.
Not only comedic roles, either.
Kato.
'1\c
ring, you're on aset gettinga lot
of
moneyand
you're there to
do
make-believe.
Youre playing pretend. You're a kid again.
I had never before met anybody overage
eight who
gaz ed
outat the
worJd
to
see such
limitl
ess
ho
ri
wns. Close your
eyes
and l
is
ten to binl.
You
could be c-alking to a child.
A lot of the
girls,
they see me
as
a boy,
and yet, a man, says Karo. It's funny.
Even
though I a prom king, I always
looked
like
a
b
aby. Th
egirls I wanted
to
go
out with were set on the older guys. Now
it's just the opposite.
Of
course, now he is an older
guy,
the
bags beginning
to
set in beneath those
puppy-dog eyes,
buc
he doesn't choose to
know it.
At
thi
rty-six,
he still talks about
marriage
and children
as
if he hasn't already
been there and gone. ''I would love to f.tll
in love someday and get married.
Kids?
I
know
I
will. Lots of
kids.
rll
hav
e all that
scuff. Maybe an occasional nanny, so
J
could srill do stuffwith thewife.''
I remind
him
that he has ao ex-wi
fe
named Cyndi. He says,
I
never should
have gotten married. She was going
ro
beauty school and modeling and she was
very beautiful and Tsaid,
O
h my God,
this model-girl
li
kes me,
she
loves
me
,
she'd marry me, I'd better get
her
befOre
my friends
do
.' That's how immature T
was at rwe
ncy-three.
Lay
la, or Laylage, as
be
a l l ~ her, comes
to my mind immediarely
ur I don'r
bring her up, because 1 don't want to
remind him that he's lace for this week's
"model-gi
rl.
It was
Like a total rejection after Cyndi
and J separared,
o
he continues. J felr very
w1atrractive physica
ll
y and I couldn
't
be
fUnny
anymore. l had
this
emotion ofbeing
hwl.
I
felt
very
alone , He feels he suffered
a major-league d
epression
that
lasted
three
weeks,
until he found bachelor
digs
with
rwo guys and three i r ~ and
"was
fine."
l
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profil
at times, even to see rhac she showered.
Nevenhclcss, Cyndl's attitude
coward
her
ex
today
is
more bemused than angry: What
am.I say abour Kato? He's one of a kind,
she says. Cyndi
.
>'a)'S her generosirysprings
from her happy marriage
to
an engineer
named
Rick,
who embraced the fatherly
duties Kaco abandoned.
Karo
himse fadmits
hehad
no
desire ro
be
a dad. ''I
was like, Oh
my God, no
way
can
you be
pregnane,
you Cln't
be,
you
can't be,
1
don'r want to have a haby. l'd always rhink.
r
Or
what
do l have a baby? and it's only
now that fm srarting to
flickhe
srarred
in], with a the
boob
kissing
and humping and grinding and everything
else--when she
was
five " Shelaughs. Kato
claims he made her
close
her
eyes
during
rhe
bad pans. Lcr's justsay he's more into being
a buddy than
raking
on a fatherly
role."
Karo's
such a textbookClSC of Dan Kiley,
MD's, The
Peter
Pan Syndrome: Men. Wbo
Have Never Grown
Up f
go our and pick
up
a copy
of
he 1983 best-seller ro reread
it. When I call Cyndi to make sure I'm not
being
unfu.i.rly
harsh on Kaw she giggles
and
reUs
me about the rime
Kato
wrapped
an eight-by-ten
glossy
of himself
1n
shiny
paper and gave
it 1.0
know why
TtfEmy was
born. When I
ask him
co elaborate, he says, As
far as me looking at a
flower, to me,
it's
a
flower,
okay, bur
Tif-
fany looks at a flower
very d i f f c t ~ : : n t l y
deli
cately.
Now l under
stand women, with her
growing
up.
'Growing
up
I
was
pretty,
no, v ry
hip back then
1
mean,
I
always knew I
was way,
her for Chrisrmas.
I
make Cyndi rake
Dr. Riley
's
test for
women who want
ro
see if there's a Peter
Pan in their lives. Out
of a possible score of
forty; Kato rates a
pathological twen
ry
six, indicating that
both he and any
woman considering
sharing his life should
He
seems to be
implying chat Tilliny
was
born 1.0 enhance
his
own
self-growth,
butI figure he can't
be
.
Then he nods his
head: Yes, that's right.
Daughters This years
way
ahead
of
my time,''
says
Koto .
seek professional help.
perfectaccersoryfor the weU-dressed narcissist.
Earlier
in
our
c o n v e J ~ t i o n s
Kaco
had
told
me that
Shakespeare's The ]empest
was
aU about a
guy
who wanted "ro
go
out
and travel and experiment in life. Thar
was
pretty scary. But it
was
only when he
began calking about his daughter that I felr
genuinely horrified. L
's
not that he doesn 't
truly
love
his daughter, either-he does
within his limited understanding ofwhat
that means.
Dad,
yo
u
want
co
hear asong? liffimy
a . ~ k s when he calls her on speakerphone
from my room.
'lo
rhe nme
of Oay-0,
she sings, "Kato, Ka-a-a-to. O.J.'s
gone
and
Kato's got no home.
Kato: "Sing a di:Herenr song.
Trffany: Kat
o,
Ka-a-a-ro. Karo gees girls
wherever he goes Amy didn't
Lik
e that
The symptoms:
Doesn't like to say
he's
sorry.
Fo l gets birthdaJS
and
anrtiversar£es.
Musr
be
the life
of he
parry,
Has
unexplained
Hates
being
alone that one l
:already knew.
The night
he got
back
from Kentucky;
before
we'd even
mer,
Karo
was
so despcrnte
co
have company
for dinner, he called all ofhis friends, then
evetybody
he knew, rill,
.finding
nobody at
a was home,
he got down
to
me.
U n c a U e ~ f o r j l a s h e s ojmge?ll1at
onesur
prised me. Cyndi laughs again. Oh,
yes.
He's gor quire a temper, and
irs
always over
the silliest things. I'll tell you
wl1at,
rhough, she adds. He used to wcite me
the mosr beautiful poetry and the most
beauriful letters when we
were
still court
ing. Prerry odd, Cyndi concedes,
for
someone who can't finish sentences when
he's speaking. It gave me something w
think abour. Could it
be,
when Karo
says,
They're better than any comedy act.
Iff
get cocky. rhey
tell
me, 'He's changing
his
name from Kato
to
Pluto,
he
's
got
his
own planet now.' ''
As Karo puts it, 'IV will always be
there, but being our
wich
my
buddies, it
's
so important.
He
's got a lor of buddies
these days, including Charlie Sheen and
Nick
Cassavercs,
with whom
be
enjoys hit
ting the clubs and playing baseball. Kaw
wore oneof
Sheen's jackers
to coutton one
of
the early days of his testimony. 'Tve
made so many friends, he end1Uses,
infurming me
chat Lany
King invited him
to his engagement parcy and Politically
Incorrect
host
Bill
Maher took him along
as
a sidekick ro a friend's bachelor
party.
Jessica H
alm
and Roxanne Pul irlCr and
Gennifer flowers spring immediately ro
mind.
l
know ir 's
b o o d e . ~ s
to t:ell
him
,
''Well, of course they invire youplaces,
you're the
flavor
of he
weekJ
ir's a wonder
rhey didn't make you
jump
out of the
cake. I rell him anyway.
1 don
'r
get what you mean, he
says
.
''1
am
see
when there's fi·iendsh.ip."
Fo
r rhe first
rime
ever in my life, I regret
1 wasn't more blunt. Karo Kaelin is rhe
brand-spanking-new, latest spin on a long
standing, time-honort:d tradition.
He
's
America's first Male Bimbo.
And
he
doesn't
even
know
it.
yndi is
amazed
at the change in
the way people perccive Karo
these days, righr down ro her
own family.
My
relatives, rhe
same people who were saying he
was such a jerk, such a s e . ~ ;
want
ro
get rheir pictures
calcen
with him
now,
they're&.wningall over hlm.
Daughter Tiffany goes deadpan when
she
sees
people do rhis. Tmean, he's
nice,"
she says, bur 1 just don't see it, Mom.
What's the big &scinarion with my dad?"
Kato himself
is
the only one who's
not
amazed.
Theres no doubt he saw his srim
on the
stand ar theOJ. rrial as
an
audition,
ot
chat he
was
positively staggered when
Marcia Clark had him declared a hostile
wit;ness.''
He tOld
me he had no idea whar
tbe tetm
meanT aT
that
ume
. H ow could
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profil
given his final approval ro
Stnr Witness:
My
Lift
With Nicole
and 0.).
Simpson
a
manu
script they'd worked on for
six
monrhs
together,
has a different take on that.
Bur
I
believe Kato really thinks he is
telling the truth when he
says,
There
was
never a book. After
all
he knows nothing
of the literazyworld, only show business.
In show business, when somebody pitches
you a project, whether you
love
it or hate
it, you say
yes,
yes,
yes.
Does tbac mean
you madea deal? No,
all
it means is you're
a
player.
ln show business, nothing
is real
but d
1e
check.
That
's how
Karo
can con
cede chat his
voice
was on Eliot's tape
recorderand
his
name
was
on the proposal
Eliot shopped around,
inrended.
He wasn
't even thinking about
her when he made his decision:
He
was
far too
busy
envisaging the exciting adven
tures h
e'd have living
wim
0 .J.
This a
fellow
for whom nm,
in
the most
childish meaning
of
that
word,
is
para
mount. Who keeps a princess phone in
his
'83
Jaguar
so
he can pretend he's calk
ing on it. Who ends
every
phone conver
sation with
..
Whoever hangs up first is
the greatest.
\'V'ho
doses every personal
encounter with rhe Karo handshake,
which
is
sortofa consensual snap.
In fu.imess
, just as Karo
has
no
jusri6carion
for
the
greatexpectations
he
has for himself,
he's given
others no justification to expect
anything
&om
him.
while t i l l insisting there
was
no deal.
"1
never acruall y
signed
anything, Kato
rold me.
J
never got
paid.
It
is a licrle hard to
figure
out
why he
clid-
n't publish a book, con
sidering how innocu
ous Kato
Gulin:
ih
Whole
Truth
(the un
authorized
version
Eliot
published
without
him)
is,
until you remember
how much
Karo's
life
has changed in the
rime that elapsed be-
Kato 's
father
thought he needed
to
find
some
profession
,
some
trade
You don't expect a
boy to prO(ect you the
way you would a man.
You don't expect a
joker to sraod behind
yo u in tragedy.
When it comes ro
tl:iends, maybe you get
what you pay
foL
In
times before ours,
every
noble household
had jrs
jester.
Thac
was
Kato
Kaelin
's
role
in the
Simpson households
tO
provide comic re
li
ef-an
d it is a role
recurr
in
g frequently
something other
than 'Class
Clown to
put
on
his resume.
tween the pitch and the publication. Karos
dance card
s
much
fuller
roday. What
looked
like a great financial opportunity at the time
doesn't lookso good now thathe knows he
can make money in ways more helpntl ro
his career because they arc less directly
exploitative ofhis relarionship with rhe
Simpson family, and rhus less likely to
undersco re his curiosity value.
Says
Kato:
Everything's becoming
very
legitimate for
me now."
I'm nor daiming that
Karo
treated
Eliot
nicely; but why would Eliot, a mere hired
hand, expect Kato to be
ni
ce, a.fi:er what
Karo
did to his friend Nicol
e?
After
all
,
Nicole
Brown
Simpson might very
weU
be
enough in the com
pounds and mansions of
Los Angeles
that
after
Karo's
resrin10ny you could hear peo
pleat dinner parties saying, You know, I
also
have
a
Karo
in my guest house.
During me si.x
days
Karo testified on the
witness smnd, thanks to
the
cameras
imide
the courtroom,
we
got ro
have
one, too.
Shakespeare never inflicted a rragedy
upon
us
without leavening it wim the odd
drunkard, sprite, or
grav
e digger.
And let's
be honest, the gavel-to-gavel courtroom
coverage of the ]. trial seldom
rises ro
that lcvd. On most
days
, the testimony is
dull , just as on most days our lives are. The
one-liners
Katowas crackingon
the
wimcss
sraod wouldn't get a rise out of you i fyou
Menendez brothers inro comic
fodder.
When thousandsof people
were starVing
in Africa, the lare Sam KiJlison joked,
''Why don't theygo where the food is?"
aughed.
fm
nor
a
horrible person
why did
l
think
that was funny?
As much
as
I hare ro admit ic, Kaco
Kaelin
is
far
from being the only person in
America wim a
teensy
lirde attention span
and tendencies gallopiJ1g toward
narcissism.
He s
merely an extreme
case.
Alll want ro do is have some fun and I
have a feeling I'm not the only one, sang
Sh
ery
l
Crow.
She
was
too right.
Within the first three weeks after the
Kato Kaelin
Global Fan Club set up irs
800
number, more than 7,500
calls
poured in.
The truth
is,
the
guy
couldn't
be
selling
him selfifnobodyout there
was
buying.
What better poster child could there be
for a post-baby-boomer generarion thar
believes
you're
likelier ro get life's
rewards
by
bumping your unimproved self into the
right person at the right pany than you are
through hard work? And if there are tril
lions of guys just Like Karo in LA. New
York's
East Village
is
littefed
wid1
the same
number of aging waifs who believe a
pierced
naval
or interesting earrings to be
an excuse for
a
life.
ay
ro
go, Karo
Here's
ro
the man who not only
survived
co
age thirty
six without stjckiog ro
college or a job or
mar
riage
or fatherhood,
he's
thriving because of it. the boy
who
never grew
up. and now
never
has w.
He has turned his pathology into
schtick.
I think
sometimes I'm
acrually coo
sen
si
tive.
lfl
hear whispering,
J think
people
might
be
laughing at
me,
that they think
rm this dweeh, says
Karo.
Okay. So he isn
't going
ro play
Hcnzy IV,
part one or two.
Bur
game-show host, late
night sidekick, video
VJ? All I can say
is i
you don't believe there are enough cable
TV channels out there
for Kato
Kaelin
to
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6/6
contri utors
.
amy
p gnozzl
Columnist and writer
Amy Pagnozz.i flew
off o
meet Kato
Kaelin
determined to lindan
explanation fOr his
enormous
popularity-" thought there
h d
to
be
more to
him.
Four
days
in
L.A.
with the Phenomenon left
Pagnozzi feeling uneasy about our culture and
rocally exhausted.
"He
was
excruciatingly
annoy
ing," she says. Imerviewing Karo is like crying
to hold mercury in your hand." Despite her
tiranic
srmggle
to engage
Kato
inadult conver
sation and keep him ar a
professional
&tance
("He kept asking me
i
was
mad at him,''
she
says), PagnOZI ..i finally surrendered
to his
c h i l d i s h n ~
'There
comes
a point
where
you just give up, and you do the
Karo
handshake.
r ~ for
a
comparison,
she's srumped, until suddenly it hits
her:
I
t's Bill Clinton," she says. "They're
on opposite
ends of
he
intellecrual scale,
but rhey both have that Dale
Carnegie-esque l'm-going-ro-make
yo
u-like-me-no-marrer-what quality."