Student Attacked At Concert

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held a press conference where he had this to say, “Being on security detail was supposed to be a rather posh position, I never imagined myself being attacked in such a heinous man-ner.”

Indeed, the security detail was numerous and fairly adept at handling the run of the mill situations, but none of the men accompa-nying Wiggins were prepared for what hap-pened. In the time since, Philip Wiggins has continued to heal and lead as normal a life as possible. He has since ended his moonlighting career as a security guard for teen and pre-teen concert events.

—Samuel Clemens

Philip Wiggins (name changed to preserve identity), a student at ASU was viciously and savagely attacked last Tuesday night at the City Auditorium during the Seventh Day Slumber con-cert event. Wiggins, a senior Kinesiol-ogy major, was aiding a group of fellow students perform a public service when the attack occurred. While other col-leagues dedicated their efforts to mone-tary exchange, souvenir booth manage-ment and gate operation, Wiggins was among the select few to be chosen for the security detail, a task that many now view as daunting.

After allowing the throng of concert goers to make their way toward the main stage, the security regiment began implementing the prescribed formation for crowd control. Wiggins was on point, standing center stage among the young and raucous juveniles who ranged in age from 8 to 16 years, and flanked by two of his cohorts, Stephen Reimer and Gregory Washburn. The evening was progress-ing as all had foreseen until the third band came on stage.

As the band sallied forth into the second song of the set, Wiggins began to notice that the sea of adolescents was pulsing, undulating and pushing to-

ward him. No sooner had the thought of something bad befalling a crowd member, Wiggins fell under attack. His olfactory bulbs began to sense some-thing foul wafting his way. The over-crowded space that confined Wiggins was becoming a breeding ground for offensive, odiferous scents that rocked the unsuspecting security guard on his heels.

Wiggins searched for a way out, desperate for an escape, for a moment where he would no longer be inhaling the stench of pubescent body odor coupled with halitosis and unrestrained flatulence. He could find none and was forced to succumb to the thought that perhaps on that spot, he might very well perish from methane overexpo-sure.

It was in his last moments of coherent thoughts that Philip Wiggins was saved. A hand pulled him from behind and up onto the stage where he was a head above the decaying odors below. He was taken backstage and attended by medical personnel. No lasting damage was caused, thankfully, as the EMT told a worrisome Wiggins that yes, his nose hairs would grow back in a couple of days.

Following the incident, Wiggins

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Outrageous Concert

(dramatization)

Saturday: Be Bald and Be Free Day (shave your head)

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RAM OF THE WEEK

Corban Thornell Corban Thornell, our inaugural Ram of the Week, is a clean cut, all-American kind of guy. He’s a member of the AFROTC, the BSM and a devoted Christian. Studying some type of “smart person” major, Corban is currently a sophomore who enjoys life to the fullest. Clearly, he is attrac-tive, most notably to his current

significant other. When class is out, you will most likely find Corban killing innocent ani-mals, playing various intramural sports or getting his chill on. Upon learning of his nomina-tion as our ROTW, Corban had this to say, “Um, sure.”… What a guy. Corban Thornell, our Ram of the Week. Brought to you by the letter C and the number 6

the glue factory for 20 years now. Additionally, the characters are poorly developed and the dialogue is stale, predictable and, for most of the film, pain-fully used to state nothing more than the obvious. Not too mention that the audience is not given much of a back story for them either. I suppose now we will have to wait for the prequel to the prequel to come out so we can understand where the main characters for this film come from. There are a few good moments in this film, which I will not ruin for you here, if you so desire to see this particular atrocity. But for the most part, it is full of the same boring cliché moments that the last Texas Chainsaw Massacre had and they are done in the exact same manner. The useless ride in the car with a dead body, though humorous the first time, is idiotic here. Not to fret, dear reader, the meat packing plant chase scene reappears (though no wet

t-shirt girl in the freezer this time) as well as the backseat murderer and the running in the woods while being chased by a chainsaw. All your favorites make an appearance because heaven knows nothing new ever comes from a “horror” film in today’s mindless, MTV driven culture.

The film does live up to it’s name with the amount of killing that occurs, but moreover because it massacred my brain and senses for having sat through such a trite attempt at a horror film. The only good thing about this film that I found, besides the eventual ending, was, um, well, no that pretty much was the only good thing about it. I must say that as soon as the credits began rolling, I sprinted for the exit hoping that maybe I would hit a wormhole and be jettisoned back in time to where I had not seen that film and saved myself two hours of my life. I definitely give this film the fat, stinking, festered F that it deserves… for shame on you, Tobe Hooper for letting this heinous film be made and for attaching your name to it.

--Towndrow P Snood

The great movie franchise, if it can be called that, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, has once again stooped to a new low with it’s misguided prequel to the whole Thomas Hewitt story. As a general principle, I am not in favor of making prequels, especially not after the original film has already been out for 32 years. Now, there are times when prequels are in order, but only if you are George Lucas and have grossed billions and cultivated a phe-nomenon that has earned the right to span three generations. Other than that, a movie about characters the general public is already cognizant of is simply overkill and the standing version should be left alone. That being said, I believe I shall now delve into my review of Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning.

Overall, the movie presents well on-screen, though I felt that it did not portray accurately enough the time in which we are told the story takes place. The movie, we are informed, is taking place during the mid-1960’s and yet, the feel and flow of the film clearly are present day caliber. This shatters the already deteriorating and fragile line (due in part, to a more readily knowledgeable public) of sus-pense that is supposed to engross the audience. The “grainy” quality that was present in the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre (not the remake of 2003) was part of the ambiance that held the audience’s mouth agape throughout the film. I, for one, wish this film had been truer to the past and paid homage to the scaled back, lower budget predecessor that started

the whole frenzy of Chainsaw fans. The atrociously done opening

scene where a woman gives birth to the child who would become Thomas Hewitt by simply laying on the floor as the child writhes out of her womb of its’ own accord does not bode well nor set a good tone for the remain-der of the film. No one can have a child by laying down and doing nothing other than scream in agony while an infant thrusts itself out. I found this to be not only in poor taste but a terrible job of writing and filming. As the film progresses, more a n o m a l i e s a p p e a r throughout causing many questions to arise. In example, how could some-one still be conscious after taking a sledge hammer to the back of the head? Yes, this hap-pens and no, it could not really hap-pen. That amount of force with a blunted metal object would knock out even the most stout person.

There are numerous moments where the characters could and should take the time to escape and yet refuse, lest they been seen as intelligent. Honestly, I don’t know how many more times I can watch a movie where the pathetically portrayed, helpless girl runs back into a house, up a staircase or back to a car where a psychotic killer is already waiting to rip her apart. Find a new dead horse to beat because that one has been in

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This Week’s Happenings

BSM Activities

Monday: Ignite @ 7:30 PM

Tuesday: Freshman Bible Study @ 7:30 PM

Friday: Logos Lunch, $1 Lunch, @ 12:00 PM

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The Covenant (2:05), (4:45), 7:40, 10:30

Gridiron Gang (12:45), (1:30), (3:45), (4:50), 6:55, 7:55,

9:40, 10:35

Jackass: Number Two (1:50), (4:00), 7:10, 9:30

Open Season (12:15), (1:45), (2:30), (4:10), (5:15),

6:30, 7:30, 9:15

Jet Li's Fearless (2:20), (5:05), 7:45, 10:25

Employee of the Month

(12:25), (2:45), 6:35, 9:50

The Departed (12:55), (4:05), 7:05, 10:05

Movies That We Want To See