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10 Universal Principles for Change: Become Who you Want To Be
Stan Goldberg, Ph.D.
©2011 By the look on the doctor’s face, she knew they wouldn’t be trading jokes and
banter today. In the past, his easy-going manner had always put her at ease. He may
not have been the most competent physician, but at least he was more caring than the
others she encountered since moving to Florida. She sensed something was terribly
wrong. And it scared her.
“Your cholesterol level is over 300.”
“Is that good or bad?”
“For the general population, that’s very bad. With your
family history of heart disease, you are at an immediate risk of
either having a heart attack or a stroke.”
My mother enjoyed her retirement for three years. Her life as a widow was much
better than she expected, and in the company of other widows and older couples, she
was thriving. There were new activities, new friends and even visits to exotic
destinations. There was still much she wished to do. And with four grandchildren, it was
as if her life was beginning again after 20 years of waiting on customers in my father’s
grocery store.
“What can I do?” she said.
“You need to cut out foods with cholesterol and begin an exercise program.”
“But how do I do that?”
2
I’m a doctor, not a physical trainer.”
Although she desperately wanted to change, she didn’t know how, and her
efforts, while deliberate, weren’t successful. Despite her best efforts to change a
lifetime of poor nutrition and no exercise, my mother died of a heart attack two years
later. When I boxed the contents of her apartment, I found 14 self-help books on diet
and exercise. Each offered general philosophies and broad ideas, none the specifics
necessary for her to save her life.
We Know What to Change, But Not How How often have you started a diet or joined a health club? Each time your
determination to succeed was strong and you saw a “new” you in 30 days. Despite your
good intentions, you probably are still looking for the right diet or that perfect health club
where trainers magically transform your body into the image of a god or goddess. And
as a caregiver, how frustrated did you become when you couldn’t
construct a simple way for your loved one to adapt to the changes
occurring in their mind or body?
Unless you are a master of self-delusion, these events, and
scores of others you can probably add, have occurred repeatedly
and have done little other than to impair your self-image and foster a
sense of guilt because you failed. Failure didn’t occur from lack of motivation, but most
likely because you didn’t know how change. Most of us know what we want to change,
but don’t know how to do it.
3
The purpose of this booklet is to help you to learn 10 principles that will enable
you to change behaviors and attitudes with which you are dissatisfied. This booklet is
not a quick-fix, crash program, or cookbook method for changing all behaviors. Rather,
it is a simple, structured approach to life-long personal change. There is an old adage
which states “give a farmer food and he can eat for one day, give him seeds and tools
and he can eat for the rest of his life.” Like the farmer, in this booklet you will be given
the tools.
WHERE DID THESE PRINCIPLES COME FROM?
As a speech-language pathologist and Professor Emeritus at San Francisco
State University, I spent 30 years teaching students, clients, and families how to
change. For the last 10 years I’ve consulted with major corporations, non-profits, and
individuals who wish to change something about their organization or individual
behaviors. For the last 8 years I’ve been a bedside
hospice volunteer and caregiver serving people
struggling to accept the changes they experience from
chronic and terminal illnesses. What I’ve found is that
the basic structure of change is the same whether it
was my mother trying to lower her cholesterol, my son learning how to ride a bike, a
client struggling to speak fluently, an Alzheimer’s patient trying to add structure to her
life, a caregiver learning how to adjust to her new identity, or patients preparing to die.
4
A Highway of Change
You have a destination in mind and hope to arrive there by nightfall. On your
journey, you may encounter problems over which you have no control, such as detours
and traffic jams. Others, however, are of your own making. While talking on your cell
phone, you begin drifting into a lane of on-coming
cars. Quickly you move back, but your driving
triggers a heated conversation with your spouse. As
you argue, you unknowingly increase your speed,
just as a police car approaches from behind. You
didn’t deliberately drive carelessly. You were so preoccupied with other things, you
weren’t aware of your driving. Just as careless driving may prevent you from getting to
your destination, being unaware of factors affecting change erects barriers between
who you are and who you want to become.
You will be given a simple, straight-
forward road map of change. If you are driving
from San Francisco to Los Angeles, you want to
know what route to take, not the history of
California freeways, the politics of highway
construction, or whether or not you should be
going to Los Angeles. Think of the 10 principles as the mechanics of change regardless
what your goal is.
Your map of change begins by knowing the route. If it’s an old behavior you’re
trying to change or eliminate, it’s probably something that’s been with you for a long
5
time; something that occurs with as much thought as your breathing. If it’s a new
behavior you want to develop, most likely, you’re not sure how to go from where you are
to where you want to be.
Clinical research and experience has shown that it takes time to change. Some
say the magic number is thirty days of doing the new behavior before it becomes
automatic. I’m not sure about the number, but we do know that the longer a behavior is
done, the more likely it will become a part of you.
Deceptively Simple
The 10 principles may seem deceptively simple. However, each one is based on
years of research and practical applications. For example, Principle 1: Small Successes
Rather than Big Failures, resulted after I worked with hundred’s clients who strove for a
series of easily obtainable successes, rather than going for “the big one.” For example,
a woman whose husband died feared social situations after his death. She believed that
the only way of getting over her fears was to “tough it out.” She decided to interact with
old friends at the same frequency as before the death of her husband. It was a disaster.
Her life became more positive by beginning with a small amount of contact, then
increasing the amount by 15 minutes each week. She experienced multiple small
successes, rather than massive failures.
6
THE PRINCIPLES
1. Small Successes Rather Than Big Failures
We want to build up our muscles to look like Arnold Schwartzenegger in a month
and to be as supple as a TV exercise guru in a week. I remember a number of years
ago when I was learning to play the banjo. I had decided that I must practice at least
one hour a day in order to improve my playing. I was elated after accomplishing my
goal on the first day. I actually achieved something
that was unthinkable to me the prior week. On the
second day, I was less excited at the prospect of
practicing, but I did it anyway. By the third day, I
began inventing excuses for not practicing. By the
sixth day, my banjo was back in its case where it remained for 10 years.
When I started playing the shakuhachi (Japanese Bamboo flute), I planned to
practice for only 15 minutes a day for the first week, and then gradually increase my
practice time each subsequent week. After the first day, I still felt hungry for more
practice time and couldn’t wait until the next day to continue. My feelings were the same
on the second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh days. I was excited about increasing
my practice time from 15 to 20 minutes the following week. It has now been three years
since I started on my new practice schedule, and I still feel excited about practicing
each day.
Select a series of very small goals that will lead you to your ultimate one. A good rule of thumb is, the smaller the step, the more likely you will succeed.
7
2. Know More, Do Better
When I did therapy in the Communicative Disorders Clinic at San Francisco State
University, I found that if clients knew where they are going in therapy, and how they
would get there, they changed more quickly because they understood the process
better. The same is true for any kind of change.
Nothing should be mysterious, a part of a philosophy,
a theory, or based on faith. Just “toughing it out”
regardless how difficult the change is a formula for
failure.
Think of change as if it is an escalator. You get
on at one end, and if you don’t jump off or try to go
the wrong way, you’ll make it to the other end with no
effort. Although there is effort in change, it can be
structured so that it’s almost as easy as not changing.
Once you understand the principles, and why they work, if you apply them, you will change.
3. All Behaviors are Complex
I remember watching a mentally disabled adult learning how to wash dishes in a
restaurant. His trainer would meticulously breakdown each of the activities into small
steps. Then each step was explained and practiced. Finally, the steps were put
together, and the person practiced the activity. It was excruciating for the chef to watch.
Here was something that she felt should require no thought at all. “After all,” she said,
8
“You don’t hire brain surgeons to wash dishes!” As she
continued her preparation for the next meal service, her
annoyance slowly became transformed into admiration,
both for her new dishwasher and the trainer. After one
hour, the dishwasher had learned the same tasks that it
would have taken 2 minutes for someone without a
cognitive impairment to learn, but with a major
difference. Not only had he learned his assignment
flawlessly, but each aspect of the task was perfectly performed.
While chopping lettuce, she had a revelation. If dish washing could involve as
many steps as she witnessed, what about her own cooking activities? She began
looking at various tasks, such as salad preparation, sauce-making, plate presentations,
and grilling. She was amazed that each of these activities which she had been
performing for 15 years was really a series of activities, some of which she performed
perfectly, while others were less then adequate. For the next month, the chef diligently
worked on each of the components which she was dissatisfied with, eventually
developing food presentations that resulted in both her and her restaurant receiving
acclaims in the newspaper.
Just as in this example where something was achievable through a development
of fundamentals, so is it possible to change a behavior or acquire a new one if a
foundation of knowledge is developed. The dishwasher and the world-class chef, while
from two different worlds, both used the same procedures for becoming proficient at the
behaviors they chose to develop—they broke down their tasks into smaller units.
9
Assume that any behavior or attitude you want to change has many parts, each of which has to be addressed.
4. Too Much Pain, No Gain
I remember years ago in a karate class hearing an instructor say “No pain, No
gain” as the class began a very painful stretching exercise. Unfortunately, I believed
him. I thought that the only way I could become limber enough to do the required kicks
was to experience intense pain for 15 minutes at
the beginning of each class. The beauty of
karate that I visualized rapidly became
transformed into an activity that was associated
with intense pain. Needless to say, I quit after 3
weeks. The motto “No pain, No gain” may be appropriate for those who have a macho
credo of life, but it is a formula for failure for the rest of us. Too much pain, no gain!
Unless the rewards far outweigh the punishment, human beings do not continue
to engage in activities that are too painful or difficult to carry out, even over a short
period of time. For me, even the thought of effortless and graceful karate movements
could not outweigh the intense loathing I felt for the art as I sat on the floor and tried to
make my legs move in a way God never intended them to. You need to gradually
increase the difficulty of your activities, so that you never exceed the threshold of
acceptable physical, emotional or psychological pain.
Pain not only has negative effects on physical activities, but also on other forms
of behavior change. A number of years ago, a stutterer who had been seeing a well-
10
known therapist, sought me out for therapy. One of the first questions I usually asked
clients was what types of therapies they experienced in the past. After he explained
what he had been doing with the therapist, I asked him to demonstrate the techniques
he had been taught. Immediately, he transformed his speech from one containing
severe stuttering, to one that was completely fluent and normal sounding. I listened to
him for five minutes before saying anything.
“Your speech is wonderful,” I said. “Completely fluent! Why are you coming to
see me? You sound terrific. Just keep using that technique.”
He took a deep breath before speaking again, this time stuttering as severely as
when he wasn’t using the technique. “The technique is too hard. You have no idea what
I had to do in order to use it for five minutes. Mentally, I’m exhausted. I can’t use it for
any length of time. It’s just too damn hard. I’d rather speak like this, than to speak
fluently using something that’s so difficult.”
My client’s willingness to accept a way of speaking that was embarrassing to
him, rather than using an exhausting technique was a revelation to me and resulted in a
series of experiments that convinced me change should at most, involve a minimal
amount of mental or physical discomfort. Given two paths, one easy and one difficult,
we tend to choose the easier one. It’s a natural human inclination. When human beings
are faced with two choices, to change or not to change, a difficult “change path” may not
be selected if the choice of maintaining the status quo is clearly easier.
Change should not be painful. If it becomes associated with pain, it becomes punishing. And rational people do not continue doing activities that are more painful than rewarding.
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5. Go Slow, Go Small
The philosopher Nietzsche wrote that if you gaze for long into the abyss, the
abyss, with all of it’s dread, gazes back at you. This is especially true with the process
of change. Change can be frightening. It involves giving up something that is known for
something unknown. Our natural inclination is to resist it, even if what we are
experiencing is less than ideal. It makes little sense to utter platitudes such as “We
should welcome change” or “We have nothing to fear except fear itself” or “Life is the
realm of possibilities.” It makes more sense to accept our natural fear of change and
attempt to work with it or around it.
We all have a tendency to want as much as we can get of a good thing, as
quickly as we can. More money, more luxury,
more friends, more food. We often relate “slow
and steady” with someone who is boring and has
no drive for life. We want it right here, right now,
and as much of it as we can get. Unfortunately, there are no overnight wonders in
change. Many overnight failures, few overnight successes. So take your time, you’re
about to enter a marathon, not a sprint.
A number of years ago there was a book written by the title Don’t Push the River.
The title and the contents of the book stressed the importance of understanding the
speed at which things should occur. And that when
something’s natural speed was altered, most likely
the event or process would result in failure. In the
area of change, the most common problem is that
12
people try to make it happen too quickly and by increments that are too large. Just like
you can’t push the river, you won’t be able to change faster than you are capable of.
On my 52nd birthday, with arthritic hips that no longer allowed me to run, I
decided that I wanted to do long distance bike riding. A Century is the goal of all road
bike riders. It is a 100 mile race that can range from completely flat terrain to murderous
hills. When I informed my family, they looked at me as if I was crazy. I was riding my
bike for five days a week, for approximately five miles
a—that’s 25 miles a week. “How on earth can you think
about riding for 100 miles, with so little daily and weekly
mileage?” they said.
My family could only see the difference which
existed between five miles and 100 miles. An increment
so large, that it seemed unbridgeable. But I was thinking in much smaller steps. I was
told that if I could ride at least 70 miles a week, I could finish a Century. I would have
eight weeks to go from 25 miles a week to 70. That’s only an addition of 45 miles over
an eight week period, or a little more than five additional miles each week. Since I was
riding five days a week, that would mean that my daily mileage would need to increase
by only one mile each day. Where my family saw an unimaginable 100 miles, I saw only
one additional mile a day. There is an old Chinese saying that states “You cross the
river by stepping on one stone at a time.” If you think about small gradual changes,
you’ll arrive easily at the big ones before you even realize it.
13
The greater the amount of change, the more the resistance and the more likely failure will result. The less the amount the change, the less the resistance and the more likely success will result.
6. Being is Easier Than Becoming.
We are all resistant to change, even when we say that we are not. This applies to
both individuals and groups. Studies have shown that often not knowing the effects of
the change will make us resistant to it. There is a certain amount of comfort in the status
quo. Regardless of how dull or bad it may be, it still might be better than the unknown
consequences of the proposed change. I am reminded of the story about a dog laying
on the front porch of a house and howling very loudly. A stranger walked by and asked
the old man in the rocking chair next to the dog what was wrong. The man puffed on his
pipe and then said, “He’s laying on a thorn.” The
stranger then said, “Well how long has he been
doing that?” The old man replied, “Oh, I think about
eight hours.” Horrified, the stranger said, “Well why
doesn’t he just move off of it?” The old man thought
for a minute, took another puff on his pipe and said, “I guess he forgot what it feels like
not to be laying on a thorn.”
We all have a natural fear of the unknown. We look into it and see Nietzsche’s
abyss, and all of the imaginable demons it holds. Instead of finding out what is actual
and what is fantasy, just like the dog, we often choose to hold on to dysfunctional
behaviors, despite the grief it causes us.
14
It is natural to resist change since we don’t know the effects of it. To reduce the anxiety, reduce the size of the change.
7. New Behaviors are as Fragile as Baby Birds
I have found that as important as success is in changing behaviors, rapid
success can be a deterrent. When someone succeeds rapidly they believe the behavior
is mastered. With this delusion, they also put in less effort at practicing the basics of the
new behavior. “After all,” they say, “If I’m doing it
right after just a few minutes,” why do I need to
continue practicing?” If only life and change
would be that simple! If you’re doing something
for a long period of time, it is more automatic
than conscious. You do it without thinking. The old behavior as many associations
attached to it and the new behavior has few.
A client of mine wanted to become less judgmental of others. We designed a
series of activities where she could practice listening and accepting of views different
from her own. After 10 minutes she believed she knew what to do and therefore didn’t
need to practice it. The first time she got into an argument with her husband, her old
judgmental self erupted when her husband pushed the right buttons.
The more embedded the behavior is in your subconscious, the longer it will take to change and the more effort will be needed to practice the basics.
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8. Show It Slowly
Change that is rapid is very fragile and often will frighten the person who is
changing and those who experience the change. I remember one of my professors in
college who had a deserved reputation among his colleagues
and students for being mean-spirited. Although brilliant in his
area, his interaction with everyone was acerbic. During one
weekend he came to the realization that his way of interacting
with people only resulted in isolation and unhappiness. He
resolved to radically change himself overnight. On the
previous Friday morning before his psychological awakening,
he came to class dressed in his usual conservative suit and tie, critically chastised his
students, and then in the afternoon sarcastically responded to his colleagues during the
weekly staff meeting. On the following Monday after his “rebirth,” he came to class
wearing an unbuttoned flowing shirt, typically worn by the “love generation” in the
1970's, a medallion around his neck with a peace symbol, frizzed-out hair and sandals.
During his class, he tried to be sincere, listened to his stunned students and continually
responded to questions with “That’s a really great question,” which during the previous
week would have resulted in a scathing attack. In the afternoon, he casually strolled into
various colleagues offices and attempted to be personable, asking them how they were
feeling and how their families were doing. Although this attempt at transforming himself
was genuine, it scared everybody, including himself. Nobody knew this “new” person or
how to react to him. Being open, kind, and hospitable was totally foreign to the
professor, although it was something he aspired to become.
16
Nobody knew how to react to the new set of behaviors which mysteriously and
cataclysmically appeared overnight. Nobody was prepared to develop a warm
relationship overnight with someone they had previously disliked. Within a week, the
love generation clothes were shed in favor of the conservative suit, and the negative
behaviors that had been a part of his life for so long returned.
Change your behaviors slowly, selecting little pieces of what will change, then practice them consistently until both you and the people you interact with feel comfortable with them.
8. Practice, Practice, Practice
Complicated behaviors, activities and thoughts are all built on a foundation of
knowledge. Great jazz musicians do not develop improvisational techniques in isolation.
This incredible ability is dependent upon having an intimate knowledge of individual
notes, cords, and cord progressions. The basketball player, who seems to effortlessly
fly past the defense and miraculously sends the ball through a hoop hitting only net, has
practiced for thousands of hours,
perfecting each component of his move.
The furniture craftsperson, who produces
beautifully designed and finished tables,
spent many years understanding the
complexities of design and the finishing
characteristics of various types of wood.
The complexities of activities such as these are routinely accepted. Everyone
would agree that they are complicated and require dedication and an understanding of
17
the basics upon which the activity is grounded. But what about changing personal
behavior? Few people would equate a LeBron James “spin and dunk move” with the
elimination of procrastination in the work place, the development of public speaking
skills, or the acceptance of a new identity following a disabling condition. Yet each of
these more similar than dissimilar to a LeBron James’ basketball move.
One big difference is that for behaviors such as those mentioned above, we don’t
think about practicing them, or if we do, it’s often sporadic or unstructured. When I first
practiced fly casting, I went to the casting ponds in Golden Gate Park in San Francisco.
Not only didn’t I know what I was doing, but my practice
times were random. One week I practiced for two
consecutive days for two hours each day, then I didn’t return
for another three weeks, practicing for only 10 minutes for
one day. Four weeks later I cast my line for three minutes.
My casting ability didn’t improve until I developed a
systematic method and time structure for my practice
sessions.
There was a popular television advertisement for shoes that showed various
athletes doing incredible fetes of strength and skill. At the end of the commercial was a
simple statement that said “Just do it.” The implication was that to improve at
something, all you have to do is begin doing it. Yes and no. Yes, if you spend your time
just thinking about something, you never will do it. No, just jumping into an activity
without thought probably will not result in improvement. More likely failures will occur. It
is important that when doing a change activity, its structure helps you succeed. There is
18
the old joke about someone who is visiting New York City and asking a local how to get
to Carnegie Hall. The response from the wise-cracking New Yorker was “Practice,
practice, practice.”
In the area of behavior change, it’s not a joke. If there is one thing that is
probably responsible for 90 % of all failures, it is the lack of consistent practice.
Practice does not have to be boring. If done correctly, it can be both exciting and result in accurately knowing when a behavior has really been mastered.
10. Do It Often, Everywhere
When we learn a new behavior, we would like it to occur in many situations. For
example, if you’re on a diet, you would like to eat smaller portions, not only at home, but
in restaurants. If we are trying to become a better listener, you would like to use the
skills with both friends and family. This is
called generalization. Generalization occurs
when you use strategies for producing the
new behavior in many settings. For example,
I served a man with congestive heart failure
those physician had suggested he drink a
certain amount of water each day, spaced out in four intervals. Too little and he would
become dehydrated. Too much, and the water would be uncomfortably retained. He
was never sure how much he drank. Usually, it was too much. I suggested that there be
one bottle with lines drawn on the outside with times he could drink. Those graphics
became a strategy that he was able to effectively use to monitor his water intake. We
19
used a similar strategy (putting stickers on a clock) when he was supposed to move
about his room.
Rarely is a behavior acquired to be used in only one setting. Therefore, it is important that you construct your activities so that the behaviors can be generalized.
The Next Step
Now it’s time for you to look at your history and do a bit of analysis. On the next
page is a simple grid that you can use to analyze your best successes and worst
failures at changing. I suggest you use the extremes because it makes it easier to see
the patterns that exist. The column on the far left is the list of the 10 principles. The next
column is used for identifying one notable success. The final column is for one notable
failure. Once you’ve identified a success and a failure, then check off which principles
were present. If you’re like most people, you’ll find that the more principles that you
used, the more likely you were successful.
20
Successful Unsuccessful
_________________ _____________________
Small Successes Rather Than Big Failures
Know More, Do Better
All Behaviors are Complex
Too Much Pain, No Gain
Go Slow, Go Small
Being is Easier Then Becoming
New Behaviors are as Fragile as Baby Birds
Show It Slowly
Practice, Practice, Practice
Do It Often, Everywhere
In this booklet I’ve tried to explain how successful change is based on ten
clinically and real-world tested principles. It may not be possible for you to use all 10
principles. If you can’t, a good rule of thumb is the more of them you use, the more
likely it is that you’ll be successful in changing.
For each principle, there can be a large number of specific strategies, depending
upon what it is you want to change. Becoming more proficient at running might be
easier and take fewer steps, than becoming more accepting of people who become
21
demanding because of a chronic illness. Please let me know if you found this book
helpful in understanding the basics of personal change and would be interested in a
more extensive book covering strategies of change for a multitude of behaviors and
attitudes.
If you found this booklet useful, I will be grateful if you recommend it to your
friends. They, just as you, can get it free by signing up for my monthly articles at
stangoldbergwriter.com. This booklet, and all future ones, will only be available to
people on my mailing list.
Good luck