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UNDERSTANDING AND WORKING WITH THE ABUSED AND/OR NEGLECTED

FOSTER CHILD

FRANKLIN R. SMITH, MFTMENTAL HEALTH TRAINING AND CONSULTING SERVICES

(310) 294-0434 (cell)Web site: www.franksmithmfttraining.com

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UNDERSTANDING THE ABUSED AND/OR NEGLECTED FOSTER CHILD

• WHAT HAVE THEY GONE THROUGH?• 1. Severe neglect and abandonment • 2. Emotional abuse: “You’re stupid…ugly…dumb…or you’ll

never amount to anything”• 3. Physical and sexual abuse• 4. Domestic violence – witness their mother being beaten• 5. Medical neglect – e.g.; infrequent medical/dental care,

lack of food/nutrients• 6. Inconsistent and unsafe environment – dangerous, squalid

conditions

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The Abused/Neglected Child: What do they suffer from?

• PSYCHOLOGICAL:

• a. Feelings about themselves: Low self esteem, lack of confidence, worthlessness

• b. Mood problems: angry, sad, irritable, anxious

• c. Relationship problems: Belief that they are not worthy of positive and healthy relationships – especially with adults

• d. Impulsivity: can’t wait their turn; don’t think before they act; can’t tolerate being frustrated or “stressed”

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The Abused/Neglected Child: What kind of behaviors do we see?

• BEHAVIORAL:• a. Temper tantrums, screaming, yelling, etc.• b. Provoking: taunting, purposeful humiliation,

insults, derogatory comments• c. Physical aggression toward peers, self-injurious

bx: passive or active thoughts of hurting self• d. Manipulation: lying, stealing, negotiating,

bargaining, “playing the victim”

THE CAMP COUNSELOR: BUILDING SELF AWARENESS

• Being self-aware will greatly help with your awareness of the campers

• So what do I need to do?• Start with an understanding: “What qualities

do you bring to camp?• Key qualities: ability to be understanding,

impart unconditional love, humility, gentleness and respect

• Empathy: defined as the ability to put yourself in the camper’s “emotional shoes”

• Active listening: being patient and understanding – show them that you are listening

• Are you a good role model? – Important!• Why are you “called” to work with abused and

neglected children?• Understanding your “calling”, etc. will help you

with your own self-awareness

THE CAMP COUNSELOR: BUILDING SELF AWARENESS

• We can be at risk for becoming more like children ourselves…

• Why? Because if the counselor is inexperienced – you can react to the acting out child by becoming “mean”

• In this context – “mean” is an instinctual or “automatic” reaction to a camper due to not understanding why the child is acting a specific way, etc.

• Out of anger and frustration….camp counselors can make inappropriate comments…or give direction with an angry/frustrating voice tone, etc.

• When counselor responds like that….we will have a problem from the camper

THE CAMP COUNSELOR: BUILDING SELF AWARENESS

• KEY: understanding your own issues• “Owning them” and learning from them in terms

of how to work with kids• If you have your own painful childhood

experiences (don’t we all?)…• I can be effective if…• A. I have worked through my childhood pain• B. I do not project my own experience onto the

camper• C. I don’t try to impose a healing agenda on the

camper – remember they are there to HAVE FUN!!! – and not have counseling or therapy

DEALING WITH YOUR “OWN STUFF”

• Know what “pushes your buttons”• Separate what is “your stuff” and what is

“their stuff”• How do I know who “stuff” it is?• The “Emotional Hot Potato” – abused children

will toss their uncomfortable thoughts and feelings onto us

• When child “tosses the emotional potato” onto us: they feel relief from their thoughts and feelings

• So….”don’t play catch with the hot potato…” – i.e.; do not engage with dialogue that will result in you getting more frustrated

• If you “catch” the hot potato….child’s behavior can get reinforced

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CAMP COUNSELOR ESSENTIALS: RULES OF THUMB

• Utilize active/reflective listening – it’s essential that they “be heard”

• HIGHLIGHT THE POSITIVE – even when it is greatly outweighed by the negative!

• Maintain eye contact – you and the child• Verbal: less is more – think clarity and brevity• Ask child if they understand what you are saying: instruct

them to say it back in their own words• Treat them with respect – and indicate you expect same from

them• Refrain from lecturing – becoming their parent – keep it brief!• Listen to their concerns, issues, etc., - and if indicated: make

changes

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CAMP COUNSELOR: DO’S AND DON’T’S

• DO:• Maintain calm and assertive voice tone• Utilize your team members for assistance• If you “don’t know what to do” – get help!• When you are being challenged by their

inappropriate behavior – remember that they are not reacting to you – they are reacting to WHO YOU REPRESENT

• General rule of thumb: if you don’t know what to do – just “maintain your position” – don’t do ANYTHING…

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CAMP COUNSELOR: DO’S AND DON’T’S

» DON’T • Try to be a strict parent – rather be a caring

mentor, role model, etc.• Regularly use statements such as “You

should” – stay away from “should” – as such statements may trigger a “you’re not my parent" response

• Interrupt them when they need to be validated

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ACTIVE/REFLECTIVE LISTENING

• Look at the person, and suspend other things you are doing. • Listen not merely to the words, but the feeling content. • Restate what the person said. • Ask clarification questions once in a while. • Be aware of and monitor your own feelings and strong

opinions – these are your “hot buttons”. • If you have to state your views, say them only after you

have listened.• Do your best not to interrupt – it will model for them to do

the same

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ACTIVE LISTENING RULES• Active Listening Rule #1: Listen • conveys that you’ve understood what the camper is saying.• Body language can also communicate either positive or

negative things to the child• Active Listening Rule #2: Reflect, Review • It lets the child know that their communication has been

received in the way they intended• It also lets the child know that you’ve understood what they

have communicated

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ACTIVE LISTENING RULES• Active Listening Rule #3: Replay: say it in another way• If you further state your point or voice a disagreement, doing

so is actually counter-productive to communication• Active Listening Rule #4: The Art of Understanding • shows child that you are paying attention and are invested

emotionally in the process• produces a feeling of validation for the child• communicates that sharing sensitive thoughts and feelings

with you can be done without fear of criticism or attack

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USE OF POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT

• Simple rule of thumb: use verbal praise at all times

• Celebrate strengths – help child to identify positive behaviors – regardless of how small they are…or big and dramatic…

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CAMP COUNSELOR ESSENTIALS• Remember: clarity, consistency, and appropriate candor/self-

disclosure• Use sense of humor to relieve tension and help child to cope

when under stress• CRITICAL: Try not to Start off “loose” and without clear

expectations: when you try to change your approach – you will likely not be successful – because it’s “too late”

• Maintain boundaries – you are the adult!• Team work: consult w/ other counselors to assist when not

sure of how to handle a particular situation• If you don’t know what to do or say: don’t say or do anything

– but maintain active/reflective listening, etc. • AVOID POWER STRUGGLES – stop yourself from “going back

and forth”

DEALING WITH COUNSELOR EMOTIONAL REACTIVITY

• Why does it exist – it only starts with the camper• Why? The camper reacts to staff with

negativity/hostility, etc. – because the staff often reminds them of someone they were abused by, etc.

• Typical Staff “Buttons”: • Staff perception: “My child is not connecting with

me – we don’t seem bonded”.• Staff response: Maintain consistency and a calm

assertive tone – just be genuine, empathic and treat campers with unconditional positive regard

ROLE PLAY SCENARIOS

• ROLE PLAY #1• “IS IT POSSIBLE TO BE TWO PLACES AT ONCE?”• Two campers can become conflicted – and at

times argumentative – when they can’t come to a consensus re: what activity to attend

• Goal: find a solution

ROLE PLAY SCENARIOS

• ROLE PLAY #2• “ A verbal or physical fight between two

campers”• Goal: break up the verbal/physical fight and

problem-solve the conflict

ROLE PLAY SCENARIOS

• ROLE PLAY #3• “When I’m at home – I get to go to bed

whenever I want”• A camper does not want to follow the rules at

bedtime• Goal: Resolve the conflict

ROLE PLAY SCENARIOS

• ROLE PLAY #4• “Aren’t rules really meant to be broken?”

• The campers have arrived and the counselor has some alone time with them: this is the first time the counselor can “set the tone” for a good week: setting up rules, boundaries and consequences for the week

• Goal: begin to develop/define relationships and importantly: “set the tone” for the week

ROLE PLAY SCENARIOS

• ROLE PLAY #5• “ A camper is out of control: having a serious

temper tantrum”• Goal: de-escalate the situation….