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Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute
Authentic Connection
To
Self & Others
Relationality
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Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute
Self – feelings, wants, needsa warm feeling toward self
(Self-Esteem)Others Empathy
in touch with others’ feelings, Assertiveness
speak out and negotiate accountably
Vulnerability- resonate with one another’s humanity
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Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute
1 - We Are Designed To Be Relational
Intimate connectedness is our birthright and optimal state.
The “cure” for addiction
and emotional problems is intimacy.
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Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute
Being Relational Is A Practice
Intimacy isn’t something you have,
it’s something you do.
Intimacy is a minute-by-minute
practice.
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Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute
Self-esteem – Grandiosity and Toxic Shame
One Up - Grandiosity
One Down – Toxic Shame
HEALTH
The Core Energy in Both is Contempt
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Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute
Boundaryless to Walled off
Walled off
Boundaryless
HEALTH
Connected – not Protected
Protected – not Connected
Protected and Connected
THE RELATIONSHIP GRID
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Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute
Relationship Grid
Grandiosity
Shame
Boundaryless
(love dependent)
Walled Off(love
avoidant)
Adapted from The New Rules of Marriage by Terry Real
Boundaryless and one up
Boundaryless and one down
Walled off and one down
Walled off and one up
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Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute
Relationship Grid
Passive-aggressionIndifference“You’re not worthy”
ControlAnger
DesperationManipulation
ResignationWithdrawalDepressed
Adapted from The New Rules of Marriage by Terry Real
Grandiosity
Shame
Boundaryless
(love dependent)
Walled Off(love
avoidant)
Boundaryless and one up
Boundaryless and one down
Walled off and one down
Walled off and one up
Health
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Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute
Relationship Grid
MEANESS /ENTITLEMENT
VIOLENCE
DESPERATIONDEPRESSION
Adapted from The New Rules of Marriage by Terry Real
Grandiosity
Shame
Boundaryless
(love dependent)
Walled Off(love
avoidant)
Boundaryless and one up
Boundaryless and one down
Walled off and one down
Walled off and one up
Health
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Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute
Disempowerment > shame
False empowerment > grandiosity
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Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute
Recovery from love avoidance meanslearning to ENGAGE
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Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute
Empathy
Assertiveness
Vulnerability
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Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute
“There is no relationship without voice and no voice without relationship”
– Carol Gilligan
Empathy and assertiveness
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Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute
Character TRAITS are seen as
SKILLS
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Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute
RELATIONALITY IS
CHARACTER TRANSFORMING
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Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute
THE OPPORTUNITY
SHAPING
OUR
RELATIONSHIPS
