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Lesson 3

Influence and rapport building skills:

The ability to get on with others helps ensure success in almost every

walk of life. If your job depends on interacting with people, managingthem or otherwise depending on them, you will need this communication

skill. nd we all need it in any family or social conte!t. "e

sometimes call this interpersonal skill #rapport#. $aving a good

rapport with another person creates the right conditions for an

effective e!change of thoughts and ideas, whether in selling,

negotiation, interviewing, counselling or any ongoing relationship.

%L& has some specific and powerful techni'ues for building and

maintaining rapport, in this lesson we will be e!ploring those skills.

(atching:

"e tend to like people like ourselves. "e get on better with them,

and so communicate with them more effectively. nd they, in turn, getto like us. )ffective rapport therefore involves matching. &eople

who have a rapport tend to act like each other in a number of ways.

*apport skills offer benefits far beyond your professional or work

life. They may well affect the goals you set, especially those

involving other people. The secret lies in matching. +ou can build

rapport by matching in the following areas:

&hysiology body posture and movement

-oice tone, speed of speech and other voice characteristics

Language and thinking style choice of words and representation

system# seeing, hearing, or feeling/

0eliefs and values what people hold as true and important

)!perience finding common ground in your activities and interests 0reathing a more subtle but powerful way to match someone

"e will address each of these areas separately. 0efore we do, you

need to understand a few vital points about matching.

1irstly, always remember the importance of subtlety and respect.

2on#t abruptly change your posture or voice, or mechanically copy

gestures.

(ake any change gradually and as far as possible imperceptibly. void

attracting the other person#s attention by your body language, but

rather help them to achieve rapport unconsciously. therwise you may

annoy or insult them, rather than create rapport. lthough highly

conscious at first, your actions should gradually become natural andspontaneous. $ave respect for the other person as a uni'ue

individual, especially when it becomes apparent that their behaviour

and mannerisms differ from yours.

4econdly, you also need to respect your own body. "e all have

different ways to stand, sit and carry out basic behaviors and these

may differ from those of the other person. This means that in some

situations you will feel decidedly uncomfortable when matching, and

this will come across to the other person. +ou may find it physically

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difficult to act #out of step# with your normal posture and mannerisms.

+ou may get away with uncharacteristic behaviour when relating to a

stranger, such as a new sales prospect. 0ut anyone who knows you well

will spot you acting #out of character#, and this will break any

rapport you would have built by acting naturally. 4o stay within your

comfort 5one and the natural boundaries of your personality. That does

not mean that you cannot match6 simply that you need to choose

behaviors that you can match comfortably, or partly match.

(atching &hysiology:

&eople who get on well together tend to adopt the same body posture

when communicating. Look at people locked in conversation and you will

often see their silhouettes mirroring each other. n old couple,

after many years of marriage, fre'uently almost seem to look alike. s

well as overall posture, people tend to use similar gestures and

mannerisms. 1or e!ample, they may both lean back with arms clasped

behind their heads. or face each other with hands open on the table,

or with arms or legs crossed or uncrossed. This happens completely

naturally and we hardly ever notice it. nce in rapport, our interest

centres on the other person and the content of the discussion rather

than any e!ternal physiology. ll this physiological matching

provides evidence of rapport. which we can

therefore calibrate or measure. s well as using physiological

matching to measure rapport, you can use it to establish and build

rapport.

4it or stand in the same overall way, aligning your back similarly,

or positioning your head to one side to match the other person.

7ross or uncross your arms and legs, and match the other person#s

general body movements.

(ake the same sorts of gestures with your hands. face and body.

&art matching:

(atching happens progressively. +ou don#t have to immediately match

every aspect of the person#s body language. 4tart with just one aspect

say the overall posture or stance. Then gradually match the angle

of the head, crossing limbs and limb movements, si5e of gestures,

voice volume and pitch, and so on. (atching forms a continuum rather

than an either8or approach. 4o you can e!periment with any level of

part matching while you gain e!perience and develop your skill. If

someone sits or stands in a particularly marked or idiosyncratic way.,consider just moving part way to matching their posture. +ou need not

mimic the person e!actly in order to establish and maintain rapport.

"hat about facial e!pressions9 person with pronounced e!pressions

who raises their eyebrows, pops or rolls their eyes, purses their

lips, grimaces and so on, will not feel at home with a passive, poker

faced person who does not betray their feelings. They e!pect a like

response. To such a person facial movements seem normal. +ou will

find these e!pressions hard to fake so stay within your comfort 5one,

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going part way rather than not matching at all. "ith very overt

physical positions, such as crossed and uncrossed arms or legs, it

helps to allow some delay before matching so that the movement appears

'uite natural. +ou can use

variations on the theme of part matching, sometimes called #crossover

matching#. 1or instance., if the person folds their arms you could

cross

your legs, or vice versa. If the other person clasps their hands you

might just place one hand on the other. If they rub their hands

together

you can shuffle your feet. If they fiddle with a plastic cup you can

click your pen, and so on. s with #going part way#, you need not

match

e!act item for e!act item.

(acro matching:

s well as specific matching, think about your overall position, say

within the room, or visavis furnishings, in relation to the other

person. +ou can, for e!ample, match a person sitting across a desk, or

with chairs facing, just like a mirror image. lternatively, you can

sit

together, facing the same direction as when on a couch/, and still

match

gestures and body position. The latter behaviour will more likely

create

a sense of unity of purpose and rapport you have literally got the

person #on your side#. n the other hand, you may have little

opportunity

for eye contact, or even to observe their overall body language. In

this

case, you may choose to have your chairs at right angles to each other

so

that you both effectively #face the same direction# but with bettereye

contact, and, if you wish, still look at the same document. flip

chart,

white board or common document to refer to can often help to focus

attention and establish rapport. The object forms a neutral reference

point and brings you together. It can also help rapport if you both

contribute ideas and e!planations in words or drawings on a single

notepad. In this way you not only match physiology but can also match

the

person#s preference to draw doodles or diagrams to communicate.

4imilarly, swapping the same marker pen and jointly contributing to a

diagram, flow chart or list of ideas on a flip chart can also helpcreate

rapport. 4imple things like this can all help to establish a genuine

meeting of minds. 7ommunicating means getting closer to a person in

more

than just a physical sense. The respective heights of chairs can also

have

an effect. (atching aims for winwin rapport, rather than manipulation

or

domination. 2ifferent levels as in standing and sitting respectively/

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might give the wrong signals. 4o you need to match levels as well as

orientation. If a person marches up and down talking you will not help

rapport by reclining in a low chair at the other end of the room. In

this

case you will either have to join in the mobile discourse, or part

match

by at least standing up. 7onsider all macro aspects of matching,

rather

than just body posture and gestures.

(icro matching:

s well as the degree of matching, the type of matching also forms a

continuum. 1iner micro matching, for instance, might include the

subtlest

physiological changes. lthough re'uiring keen observation skills, in

this case you can achieve strong rapport inconspicuously. 0y

observing

someone carefully you will soon start to notice numerous little

mannerisms, all of which offer matching potential. The communicates

remains unconscious both of their own behaviour, especially at this

micro

level, and also your matching behaviour. 0ut rapport none the less

follows, almost magically. 4ome of these techni'ues might seem

contrived

and even a bit farfetched but matching does work in creating rapport.

"hat happens when the other party notices the matching process9 This

hardly ever happens. If it does, it probably means you have broken

some

of the rules we have e!plained, gone beyond your comfort 5one or

forgotten

the importance of subtlety and respect. "hat about communicating with

someone already familiar with the techni'ues of matching9 This

sometimesapplies with skilled salespeople and negotiators. Interestingly, we

have

found that they will usually respect you for your professional

communication skills. fter all, as we have seen, matching does not

involve manipulation, but understanding the other person better, and

achieving a winwin outcome for both parties.

(atching voice:

4ometimes you will find physiological matching inappropriate or

impossible, such as on the telephone when you cannot see the other

person.

0ut the pitch and tone of your voice also represent a major part ofany

communication. nd, according to research, this may have more impact

than

the actual words we say. The more aspects of a person you can match,

the

more effectively you can create rapport. 4o aim to understand and

match

every area. The 'ualities you can listen for in voice patterns

include:

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-olume do they speak 'uietly or loudly9

Tempo how fast or slowly do they speak9

*hythm can you detect a flowing melody in their sentences or do

theypronounce their words in a more separate, staccato way9

&itch high or low9

Timbre what 'ualities do you hear in their voice9 7lear or husky,

for

Instance

Tone what emotions do they convey in their tone of voice9

&hrases do they use characteristic sayings or regional

collo'uialisms9

nce again, begin by matching one characteristic, then add others as

you

become more competent. bove all, stay with the flow of the

conversation.

*apport has some of the characteristics of dance. (ake any changes

slowly and naturally as far as you can, and remember not to stray too

much

from your personal comfort 5one.

(atching language and thinking style:

nce you notice how differently people behave in everydaycommunication,

you will start to recogni5e their thinking style and preferences.

(atching a person#s thinking style produces powerful rapport. The way

we

think in the three primary senses mirrors the way we use our senses

e!ternally.

-isual &eople who think primarily in a visual way tend to use

language that contains visual words and phrases, such as, #I get the

picture# or #Let#s try to put this into perspective#. +ou can create

rapport by thinking in this way yourself, picturing internally the

person#s description and using the same sort of #sensory words#

known

in %L& as predicates/.

uditory In the same way, auditory predicates, such as #I hear

what

you say# or #It sounds good to me#, may indicate auditory thinking.

0y

matching these words and recreating the sounds in your head, you

will

start to think the way the other person thinks, identify with their

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thinking style, and create rapport as you begin to #speak their

language#.

inesthetic &eople who have a primarily kinesthetic thinking style

will tend to use words related to feeling or touch, such as, #"e are

getting to grips with the problem# or #Things are going smoothly#.

4tart to get a feel for how these people e!press themselves, and use

similar words and figures of speech. +ou will see how notice I use

a

visual predicate/, sometimes almost miraculously, rapport increases

as

you share their e!perience.

(atching beliefs and values:

2eeprooted values have special importance to people, and by matching

them

you can sometimes touch a person#s #hot button#. ;niversal, or macro,

values and beliefs, like #fairness#, #honesty# and #courtesy# help to

establish early rapport which you can build on, using physiological

and

other types of matching. nce you find a common basis of

understanding,

other matching techni'ues will usually work well.

(atching e!perience:

&ut one or two accountants together, or nurses, or aeroplane

enthusiasts,

and before long you will have plenty of conversation and rapport. The

same thing happens when you meet a stranger from your home town or

someone

who attended the same school or university. +our e!periences or

#maps#

overlap, so you share common ground or #likeness#. +ou can use the

e!perience matching principle even more widely. "hen communicating

with a

random group of people, for instance, you can usually identify a

common

e!perience to which they can relate. ;sing the training analogy, for

instance, all the participants have probably had to:

2rive through traffic to the event

0rave the weather

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(atching breathing:

s you learn to observe the #micro# physiological movements and

gestures

covered earlier, you may also notice differences in breathing

patterns.0reathing offers another opportunity for matching. 7alibrating or

measuring/ breathing takes practice and you may need to start using

your

movementsensitive peripheral vision. "hile making eye contact you

may

notice peripherally the rise and fall of the person#s shoulder which

gives

the rhythm of the breathing. +ou can then change your own breathing

to

match, which has the added benefit of allowing you to maintain control

of

your emotional state. lternatively, you can crossover match by

nodding

your head in time with their breathing again, usually undetectable but

powerful in building rapport.

7alibrating rapport:

nce you have practiced the different matching techni'ues, you can

carry

on to perfect your rapport skills to any level you wish. s well as

establishing rapport, you also need to recogni5e whether rapport

e!ists,

and to what degree. "e have already stressed the need for careful

observation sensory acuity/ so that you can detect or measure

calibrate/

rapport. 7alibration, a term borrowed from engineering, refers in %L&

to

the way you can notice small reactions and #measure#.

momenttomoment changes in other people. +ou can then, if necessary,

adjust your own behaviour. 7alibration takes a lot of practice, and at

first it may seem impossible to watch for so many things at the same

time.

bove we learnt about the different areas in which we can create and

recogni5e rapport matching physiology, voice, language and thinking

style, beliefs and values, e!perience and interests, and breathing

patterns/. %ow we introduce four more ways in which we can create and

recogni5e rapport.

n internal feeling +ou may get a sense of #connectedness# with

the

person. This calls upon natural, #rightbrain# intuitive skills

that

may have atrophied if you have not used them much. $owever, with

practice, you can learn to sense these internal feelings. +ou may

have

to take a few risks in trusting your intuition, as it may not seem

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to

s'uare with logic. *ightbrain feelings or #chemistry# may not spell

out

any #message# clearly. 4o choose simple, lowrisk situations in

which

to try this out.

7olour change "atch for a change of colour in the other person#s

skin.

+ou may not match such involuntary changes directly. 0ut, having

calibrated them, you may then match the state they indicate in

your

own way. 1or e!ample, you will build rapport if you match the other

person#s mood e!cited, animated, serious, amused or whatever

characteristic their changes in skin colour might indicate. long

with

skin colour, other minute changes have individual significance, such

as

breathing, lip si5e, pupil si5e, facial muscle tone, and small

movements

in the hands and feet.

4pontaneous comment &eople will sometimes literally tell you how

they

feel about a communication, and you may miss this if you only watch

for

hidden indicators. Listen for the other person making some positive

statement, such as #I agree#, #that#s right# or #absolutely#. #"e#re

on

the same wavelength# or #+ou must have read my mind# may indicate

stronger rapport. In more formal situations, or with less e!plicit

comments, you may have to detect and interpret such spontaneous

indicators of rapport.

bility to lead 4ometimes the other person begins to follow some

of

your movements, voice 'ualities or language. They #keep pace# with

you,

and you #lead# them. The ne!t section discusses this in more

detail.

&acing and leading:

Through pacing and leading you can establish and maintain rapport, and

also bring about changes in the other person. %L& uses the term

#pacing#

to refer to matching as an ongoing process. The person with whom youwish to gain rapport sets the #pace#, including the speed and tone of

voice and physical gesturing. *ather than instantaneous, refle!like

matching, you pace as if in a long race. In other words, you stay with

the

person. 4o you can use pacing as a strategic rather than a tactical

skill, for instance in an important negotiating situation where you

need

to establish a meeting of minds. lthough usually applied to

physiological matching, you can also pace, for instance, e!perience,

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beliefs and values, and language, as I e!plained above. "hen

#leading#,

you gradually change your own behaviour whilst maintaining rapport/,

in

such a way that the other person intuitively matches, or #follows#

you.

&ut another way, when matching or pacing, you follow behaviour to

achieve

rapport. nce in rapport, you lead behaviour to persuade, humour,

influence or whatever to bring about your communication goals or

outcomes. Through pacing and leading you can thus calibrate or measure

the

rapport you have created. +our success in leading a person depends on

the

'uality or level of rapport you have built up. t the same time, your

degree of success in leading calibrates the depth of the rapport. +ou

can

test your pacing and leading skill. 7hange your actions slightly and

notice if the other person follows allow for a delay. 2o they adopt

asimilar behaviour, voice tone or whatever9 If not, you need to return

to

simple pacing matching/ to achieve rapport, then try again. "hen the

person does instinctively follow, you have evidence both of rapport

and

your ability to lead. s well as affecting the other person#s

physiology,

you can use leading to influence someone#s feelings, approach, point

of

view or decisions. 1or e!ample, if the other person#s body language

reflects a low emotional state, yours will too if you simply match

them.

0ut physiology and feelings closely relate. Thus. by changing your

physiology, you can usually lead the other person to change their

state.

If you gradually pace and lead more positive physiology, voice

patterns or

language, you will help them regain a positive state of mind.

(ismatching:

+ou will soon start to recogni5e mismatches in your early attempts at

rapport. s you observe people around you, you will see this

happening

unintentionally all the time. 0ut you can use mismatching positively

to

break rapport. "hy should you want to break rapport9 &erhaps to:

)nd a communication you feel has no further purpose

*edirect the flow of conversation

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+ou may have e!cellent rapport but the other person may not pay

attention

to the level you wish. 1or e!ample, just enjoying the other person#s

presence, e!changing small talk, or communicating at an abstract level

all

provide a good basis for communicating, but do not necessarily

constitute

effective communication, through which you can fulfill an outcome. In

such

a situation, a slight mismatch can have the effect of giving the

person a

slight shock, thus regaining their attention. This prepares them for

some

important message you want to get across. $ow do you mismatch9

)ssentially, you reverse the matching process.

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techni'ues wisely. $ave clear intentions. "hy do you want to lead9

$ow

will your leading affect the other person and their interests

ecology/9

+ou might succeed in manipulating the other person on one occasion6

but in

the longer term the relationship will probably suffer, and you will

lose

out. 4ometimes in %L& we have to defend ourselves against accusations

of

manipulation. tool or process cannot, in itself, manipulate only

the

person who uses it. &eople manipulate with intention. $uman beings

have

influenced each other for millennia, using all sorts of persuasive

devices. If the intention brings mutual benefit, pacing and leading

will

help in just about any sales, negotiation, business meeting or

learning

situation. ;sed in a skillful, professional, morally sound way, it

provides a powerful tool of communication.

s well as matching with others, you need to match between the parts

of

yourself. This re'uires what we term congruence, simply meaning that

what

you say and how you e!press it in your total physiology, tone of

voice,

etc./ must harmonise. *esearch has shown that, although people may

not

always notice the actual body language a person adopts, they

instinctively

seem to spot disharmony between words and total physiology. 4omehow

weunconsciously pick up the communication signals. "e also know from

research that, when mismatched, people tend to take body language

rather

than the words we say as #truth#. In fact, according to one major

study,

words alone account for a mere = per cent of the effectiveness of

facetoface communication. +ou will find it hard to fake congruence.

4o

follow the rules of respect and staying within your natural comfort

5one

in all your communications. fully congruent communication has

enormous

effect, whether a public presentation or a onetoone conversation.