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Sam’s lounge. He enters, school bag over his shoulder. Drops it, moves back into the kitchen, checks the fridge, returns with a coke.

He sits on the couch, and pulls his iPad out of his bag. He is thus absorbed when his father appears. The father, oddly nervous, hovers.

Sam Can I help you?Father Homework?Sam No.Father Nothing illegal I hope.Sam I’m hazy on the law. Where do we stand on patricide?Father Funny guy.Sam It skips a generation.

Father stays standing, Sam keeps ignoring him. After a tortuous silence, Sam’s father sits beside him on the couch.

Sam You want something?Father Just to talk.Sam Okay.Father I’d rather you put that down.

Sam reluctantly puts down the iPad.

Sam What’s wrong?Father Can’t a father just want to talk to his son?Sam I’m not saying it’s impossible.

Long, freighted pause.

Father You know about sex, right?

Sam, incredulous at first, picks up his iPad again.

Father Don’t make this any more difficult than it needs to be.Sam Leave... I’m serious, don’t say another word. You go, we both agree

this never happened… Why are you still here? Go.Father I promised your mother.Sam She doesn’t need to know.Father I’m not going to lie to her.Sam I’m not going to sit here and listen to you talk about sex.Father Would you rather she did it?Sam She wouldn’t.Father It’s her or me.Sam Option C. I choose option C.

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Father That’s the option where we don’t let you take the car away at New Year.

Pause, as this sinks in.

Sam You said it was mine. You said, when school was over, it was mine.Father With one condition.Sam You never said there were conditions.Father There are always conditions. Put down the iPad Sam.

Sam puts down the iPad.

Sam You’ve got five minutes. And I get the car.

Father nods. He pulls out a box of condoms and hands them to his son.

Father You know what these are?Sam Yes.Father Do you need me to show -Sam No.Father Good.Sam That it?Father No.Sam Okay.

Silence

Father Do you like her?Sam Who?Father Poppy.Sam How do you know her name?Father That’s not important.Sam Elise.Father That’s not what -Sam Perhaps she’s the one who needs to have this little talk. Calls out

Elise!Father Your sister’s out. It’s just you and me.Sam Excellent.Father Just listen.Sam I wouldn’t be surprised if she -Father Sam.Sam I’m not discussing Poppy with you.

Father nods, as if accepting this condition. Waits.

Father So, the friend you said you want to do this road trip with, who’s that?

Sam I said I’m not talking about it.

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Father That’s what I thought.Sam I didn’t say it was.Father I know it’s not one of your male friends.Sam Is that right?Father Your male friends are shit.Sam I know.

Pause, as father gathers his mental resources.

Sam Why are we doing this?Father I’m your father.Sam We covered it at school. You’re off the hook.Father What do her parents think of the trip? Do they know?Sam Yeah, actually.Father So you’ve met them?Sam Yes, I’ve met them.Father And we couldn’t -Sam No!Father All right. That’s fine.Sam You know why.

Father considers this.  Pause.

Father It’s good you’ve met her parents... And you like her?Sam Of course I like her.

Father nods thoughtfully.

Father It’s hard to know, at first.Sam Know what?Father That you like somebody.Sam No it isn’t.Father There are chemicals involved - Hormones.Sam I know there are.Father Like a drug trip, really.Sam We don’t do drugs. She doesn’t even drink.Father When you fall in love -Sam I didn’t say -Father Your mind isn’t your own... Right now, you’re on a drug trip... And

sex is part of that. It’s part of what makes -Sam Can we get to the point?

Father pauses.

Father It’s… have you heard of the prairie vole?Sam No.Father It’s a little mammal, like a mouse.Sam Seriously, we’re going to talk about mice?

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Father Almost all mammals are polygamous. But the prairie vole is unusual, the male stays with its partner after mating and helps raise the offspring.

Sam I’m not going to get her pregnant.Father They stay together, the prairie voles, is my point.Sam I’m very pleased for them.Father Good… Unconvinced So am I.Sam We’re just going on holiday together. Don’t -Father It’s because of the receptors they have, in their brain, the prairie

voles. Receptors for oxytocin and vasopressin. Other rodents don’t have as many. So they don’t fall in love.

Sam Voles don’t fall in love.Father It’s the same drugs. You have them. You have the same receptors.

They’ll make it hard to think sometimes.Sam Okay.Father I’m sorry. I’m not good at this.Sam Who is?Father It can be hard to see clearly, is my point. It can be hard to know

what’s good for you.Sam But it’s good for the voles, right? Father Not really, no. I don’t know. I don’t really know anything about

voles. I just saw a documentary… Are you frightened?Sam Of what?Father Sex.Sam No.Father I was terrified. Tell her. Tell her you’re frightened.Sam I’m not.Father Okay... Honesty’s important.Sam I’m not frightened.Father You can lie to me. Just don’t lie to her.Sam I don’t.Father Good.

Silence

Father I want you to be kind to her. Whatever happens, even if she isn’t kind to you, I want you to always be kind to her.

Silence, as if the father is preparing to leave.

Sam That’s it?Father Now you want more?

Father stands, aware of the inadequacy of his advice, searching for something else to leave his son with.

Father You have to keep your head clear.

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Sam Okay.Father And it’s not easy.Sam Feeling sorry for his father now. How do I do that?Father I can’t tell you.Sam Okay. Well, thank you anyway.Father I do know… I’ll text you. I’ll put it in a text. It’s easier when you text.Sam Just don’t do that thing where you accidentally send the message

to the wrong person.Father No, I’ve fixed that now. I understand how it happened. I replied

without checking. It takes you to the most recent -Sam Yeah, I don’t do this. You don’t need to explain.Father I was trying to be reassuring.Sam How’s Mum?Father She’s seems good today.Sam Okay. Good.Father That sounds like her now. She was picking up Elise.Sam I might go.Father That car, the oil needs changing. You know how to do that?Sam No.Father I’ll come and show you. You’ll need overalls. Grab mine. They’re

hanging on the door.

Sam bolts before his mother can make things worse. Mother arrives, carrying groceries. Elise, Sam’s younger sister, close behind, similarly laden.

Father moves across, hugs his wife, kisses her on the forehead.

Father I’ll just be in the garage for a moment. I’m showing Sam how to change the oil. Would you like a hand with anything?

Mother shakes her head. We immediately see the sadness she carries.

Father(to Elise) Hello darling.

Elise, headphones in, makes no attempt to answer. Father moves off. Elise lifts the last of her bags onto the bench and exits without speaking.

Mother begins to go through the bags, removing each item as if it represents a great puzzle to her. After a slow, ponderous effort to begin the food preparation, she walks to the middle of the kitchen, as if lost. She falls slowly to her knees, looks to the heavens and mutters a silent, repeating prayer. After some time, her head bows and she begins to cry.

Elise enters, regards the scene coolly, as if it is nothing unusual. She removes one earphone.

Elise Should I start the food?

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The mother stirs, stands and straightens herself, as if this has been the most puzzling aberration.

Mother No, don’t be silly. Just having a wee pray. You go and do what you…Elise I can peel the potatoes.Mother Snapping I can peel potatoes.Elise I know you can.

Mother begins to peel potatoes, with very little speed or accuracy. Elise moves quietly back, takes a bottle of spirits and slips it inside her jacket, unnoticed.

Mother What’s are you listening to? Is it a new song?

Elise puts an earphone in her mother’s ear. We hear the song, loud and furious.

Elise You like it?Mother What was that?Elise I said do you like it?Mother It’s a little loud.Elise You can turn it down.

Mother removes the earphone. As she does so, a doorbell. A moment of confusion.

Mother What’s that?Elise It’s the door.Mother It’s too early.Elise I’ll get it.Mother You’ll have to ask her in.Elise It won’t be her.

Elise walks off. Mother frets, still and silent.

Elise Shouting, offstage It’s Christians!Mother It’s what, dear?Elise Christians. Jehovah’s Witnesses.Mother Oh.

Mother straightens herself, somewhat compulsively, and hurries across to the door, bracing herself for social interaction. Elise appears, having closed the door behind her.

Elise It’s all right. I told them to f -Mother Sudden anger. Elise!

Mother moves to the door. Calls out.

Mother Excuse me!

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Elsie shrugs, slinks away. Mother onstage, visitors still off.

Mother I’m so sorry about my daughter. She was… I’m so sorry she was rude to you.

A pause, as if she is listening to someone. She nods.

Mother Please, come in.

Mother turns and is followed in by Annie, a middle aged woman with a formidable bearing, and Toby, a young man who trails in reluctantly, embarrassed to be entering a stranger’s house.

The guests sit awkwardly. Mother hovers, as if uncertain where her place in all of this is.

Mother Would you like a cup of tea?Annie No thank you.Mother It would be no trouble.Annie We don’t drink tea.Mother A nice biscuit?Annie We’re fine.Toby We’re not Jehovah’s Witnesses.Mother Oh. I’m sorry.Annie It’s a common mistake.Mother Oh, I see… We don’t need a new vacuum cleaner.Annie We’re Seventh Day Adventists.Mother Oh.Annie We have pamphlets. If you’d like… Toby, get the pamphlets.

Toby dutifully passes over a pamphlet. Mother looks at it. A long pause.

Mother We’re Catholics.Annie Yes, I thought you might be.Mother It’s… I don’t have any pamphlets for you.Annie Perhaps you have some questions.Mother I can read these, thank you.Annie Does it seem strange to you, that God has always chosen to speak

to us through men?Mother I suppose... I don’t know.Annie He spoke to Ellen White. You’ll enjoy the booklet on Ellen White.Mother Yes, I… I was going to get you a biscuit.Annie We’re fine.Mother No, no. I have something.Annie The end is nearer than you think.Mother I’m keeping well.

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Annie For all of us. The Lord will return soon. You do believe in The Second Coming, don’t you?

Mother Yes, yes I do.Annie And you read your bible?Mother Every night… I try, every night. Some nights…

She hangs her head.

Annie (Softening) Toby has dreams, don’t you dear?Toby There was just one.Annie Tell her about the dream.Toby It was five years from now.

Mother nods, taking this seriously.

Toby A great fire swept the land.Mother Oh dear.Toby But there was an escalator, a horizontal escalator.Annie Like at an airport.Toby And it was spared the flames. And the people on the escalator, the

righteous people who had followed the path of The Lord, were being carried to safety. And they were reaching out and trying to pull the others over the rails, to save them. But some of the people in the flames did not believe them. They thought they were better to face the flames alone. They didn’t want to be helped.

Annie The Lord reaches out to us, but only we can choose to accept His help.

Toby (Softly) Have you ever tried to fight the flames alone, Mrs Garner?

The mother nods, mutters something unintelligible and stands, for a moment stranded in indecision. She walks to the kitchen, coming back with a plate of crackers, smeared too thickly with butter and spread.

Mother I’ve never met Seventh Day Adventists before. I know the Jehovah’s Witnesses. Are you like the Jehovah’s Witnesses?

Annie They’re a splinter group.Mother Like the Protestants.Annie We’re Protestants.Mother Oh… You can still have a biscuit. That would be all right. It’s just

vegemite. It’s all I could find.Annie Thank you.

They eat in silence.

Mother We used to have marmite. I liked marmite. The children preferred vegemite, though… I can’t really tell them apart.

The mother sits back at the table.

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Mother You must be very proud.Annie Pride is a sin.Mother Of your son, I mean. That he was chosen for the dream.Annie He’s not my son.Mother I’m sorry.

More polite nibbling of stale crackers.

Toby Have you repented?Mother Yes… It doesn’t help.Annie If there is something you would like to tell us…

Mother is stranded between two impossible pains. She leans forward, as if to share a great secret.

Mother You can’t just ask for forgiveness. You have to want to stop… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t… He doesn’t… We need to want his forgiveness.

Annie Do you not want forgiveness?Mother Confused I do.

Enter Elise, who senses immediately the mood and directs her fury at the visitors.

Elise I thought I told to fuck off. Can’t you see what you’re doing to her? How dare you. She addresses Toby. You, you know this is wrong, don’t you? But you’re too scared to upset your parents. We’re all too scared to upset our parents.

Toby She’s not my -Elise I asked you to leave!

The Adventists hurry, flustered, from the room. Elise moves to her mother, wraps her in a hug.

Elise I’ll help you with the potatoes.Mother I know how to peel potatoes.Elise I know you do.Mother Go and see your brother. Make sure he gets himself ready. I want

this to be a lovely evening. I don’t want him all dirty from that car.Elise What car?Mother In the garage. He’s changing the oil.Elise He doesn’t know how to change oil.Mother Snapping We can do more than you think we can.Elise Okay. I’ll talk to him.

Elise moves through to the garage, where Sam’s legs protrude from beneath the vehicle. Elise sits in the car and pulls out her stolen bottle of alcohol. She takes a swig.

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Sam pushes himself out and stands over her.

Sam What are you doing?Elise Having a drink.Sam What are you doing getting in the car when I’m under it?Elise I didn’t see you there.Sam That’s really dangerous.Elise It isn’t.Sam The car might have been up on a jack.Elise It wasn’t.Sam You might have taken the handbrake off.Elise Why would I do that?Sam Why do you do anything?Elise Mum sent me here.Sam Where did you get that drink from?Elise Kitchen.Sam You told them, didn’t you? You told them about Poppy.Elise No.Sam Dad gave me a sex talk. Stay there, I’m going to give it to you. It’s

the least you deserve.Elise You don’t have time. You have to get ready.Sam Ready for what?Elise Dinner. She’s making something special.Sam Shit, really? You got any money? We can order pizza later.Elise You have to clean up, she said. She wants you looking nice. She

doesn’t want you all filthy and ruining the evening. Everything has to be perfect for the guest.

Sam You’re full of shit. We don’t have guests.Elise One guest. Want to guess who?Sam I don’t care. I’m almost finished. Get out of the car so I can finish.

Then I’ll clean up. Tell her there’s plenty of time.

Elise has another drink and smiles. She is clearly enjoying this. She gets out of the car.

Elise You have to guess. A hundred dollars if you can guess. That’s petrol as far as the Coromandel.

Sam You don’t have a hundred dollars. Elise Doesn’t matter, you’ll never guess.Sam The Pope. She’s invited the Pope. Where’s my money?Elise Your loss.

Sam ignores her and returns to his position under the car. Elise waits.

Elise It’s Poppy. They’ve invited Poppy to dinner.

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A loud crash as Sam’s head hits the car’s chassis. Swearing. He propels himself out and is in Elise’s face, too shocked to properly access his fury.  

Elise They want to meet her. Before you drive off together in the love mobile.

Sam You did this. You can not bear the thought that I might be happy, even for one little moment. You have to tell them. You have to tell them it’s a mistake.

Elise It’s not a mistake.Sam You told them.Elise Dad follows you on Facebook.Sam I haven’t friended him.Elise He didn’t use his name.Sam You are seriously the worst sister in the history of sisters. The Lady

In Waiting was a better sister than you are.Elise You know I never get your references, right?Sam She killed him. She killed her brother. Pretended she thought he

was a burglar. For the inheritance.Elise How I love the way you never fail to keep things in their proper

perspective.Sam She can not come here. If she meets my family… You don’t bring

your friends here.Elise I’m not banging my friends in the family station wagon.Sam That makes no difference.Elise You’re running away from her.Sam Who?Elise Mum.Sam No. No, no no. You are not putting that shit on me. I’ve done my

time. You step up for once.Elise That’s not what I mean. You’re running away from speaking any

sort of useful truth to her. Think about how long you and Dad have crept around her like the smallest noise might break her apart.

Sam It does.Elise She’s already broken.Sam What are you saying?Elise Just tell her. If you don’t want Poppy around her, tell Mum to her

face. Tell her how ashamed of her you feel. Sam What are you?

Elise walks away, speaking her last line as she exits.

Elise Okay. But don’t blame me in twenty years if you’re living in the basement, holding her hand at meal times and telling her she’s doing fine.

Sam, speechless, contemplating her departure, and the night ahead.

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Sam What are you?

He is stunned still and silent for a moment, then springs into action, removing the overalls as quickly as he can and rushing out, brushing his hair with one hand, fumbling for his phone with the other.

Meanwhile, the mother struggles through the routines of food preparation, uncertain as ever.

A knock at the door, just as the father walks in.

Father What are you making?Mother Do you think she’ll eat quiche?

The father looks dubiously at the bowl.

Mother You said you like my quiche.Father I do... I could make a salad, to go with it. Something substantial. In

case she’s a big eater. Do we have kumara?Mother There’s someone at the door, Frank.Father I didn’t hear anything.Mother They knocked, before you walked in.

Father is puzzled, then realises she has left whoever it is waiting outside. He hurries to the door. It is Poppy.

Father Hello. You must be -Poppy Poppy. I’m sorry I’m early, but my sister needed to be dropped off

at -

She is interrupted by her phone ringing.

Poppy I’m sorry, do you mind -Father Of course not. Go ahead. Can’t get Elise off her phone. Whatever

happened to people talking face to face, eh? Is it that the faces have become less…

Poppy smiles, nods, answers.

Poppy Oh, hi! You’ll never guess who I’m talking to. No, guess... Okay, I’ll give you a  clue: Ask me your father’s second name... go on, just ask… To the father, whispered What’s your second name?

Father Archie.Poppy Archie! It’s Archie, that’s right, isn’t it?... What?... No, I’m already

here. That’s the…. I’m in your lounge. Where are you?

She puts the phone down and shouts

Poppy I’m just here!

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Puts the phone back to her ear.

Poppy Did you hear that?... What, no, of course I can’t… Because that would be rude… Okay, well no hurry. You know where to find me.

Ends the call.

Poppy That was Sam. He’s just getting cleaned up. He’ll be out in a minute.

Father Sam, who’s just…Poppy Yes.Father Why did he call you?Poppy I’m not sure.Father He could have just walked out and…Poppy Sometimes people prefer to call.Father You know there was a time when phones were used to talk to

people who were otherwise out of earshot. I am fairly certain that was the actual point of the technology.

Poppy I’m sure you’re right.Father And when we called people, we had a reason for calling them.

Communication today, it seems to have become, I’m not sure what the right word is, cheaper? Everything is cheaper now.

Poppy I know what you mean.Father I was on an airplane last year, and the person next to me was

complaining about the intermittent wifi. We were sitting in a 400 tonne piece of metal, travelling at 800km/h, a full ten kilometres above the ground, and at the same time bouncing her personal electronic messages and enquiries off a satellite to be re-routed through the vast wonders of the internet, repackaged and returned to her personal device in the blink of an eye, and all she could do was complain about the fact that her live feed to a Kardashian walkabout was freezing upon occasion. Is that ignorance do you think, or just plain ingratitude?

Poppy Both, I imagine.

Father smiles, pleased with this affirmation.

Father The Kardashians are still a thing, right?

Poppy nods.

Father That’s a relief. I’m not very good with pop culture. Calls across to his wife.

Mary, did you hear that? She was on the phone with Sam, from his room. She was here and he was in his room and they were talking on the phone… I’m sorry, come in. Mary, this is Poppy, Poppy, this is Mary, Sam’s mother.

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Mother comes around from behind the bench, wiping her hands on her apron, offers Poppy her hand.

Mother Hello… Sorry, I just need to -Poppy Would you like a hand?Mother No, I’m all right. Thank you. Father Come and sit down..

Poppy sits on the couch. Father hovers.

Father Would you like a drink?Poppy No thank you.Father We have juice. A cola? Water?Poppy I’m fine. Thank you.Father There’s wine. We could open the wine.Poppy No thank you… You have one though, if you like.Father Hesitates I think I might.

Father goes to the fridge, opens the wine, pours himself a generous glass, under the close and disapproving scrutiny of his wife. He returns and sits next to Poppy on the couch.

Father Right, well, lovely to meet you at last.Poppy At last?Father Sam likes to keep things to himself. Poppy We’ve been together three weeks.Father Oh. Well, sometimes it doesn’t take long to…

Poppy Absolutely. I mean, I’ve only known you three minutes and already you’ve told me your second name.

Father What?... Oh, yes. I see. Did you hear that, Mary?

Mother nods. A weak smile.

Father Her second name is Anne. Mary Anne I used to call her, didn’t I?... She didn’t like it.

Poppy And your first name?Father Sorry?Poppy I know your second name but not your first name. That’s unusual, I imagine.Father Oh, I see. Frank. My first name is Frank.Poppy Pleased to meet you Frank. I’m Poppy.

They shake hands with mock solemnity.

Poppy Frank Archie. Did she used to call you her Sweet FA?

Father splutters on his drink. Mother appears oblivious.

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Father No. No she didn’t.

Elise enters, already loosened by her head start with the refreshments. She appraises the situation, smiles to herself, sits on the floor.

Father Elise, this is Poppy. Sam’s friend.Elise Hi.Poppy Hi.

Elise returns to her music.

Poppy Sam’s told me a lot about you.Elise You’re doing the road trip with him, right?Poppy Yeah. Next week.Elise You tested it out?Poppy What?Elise The car. It’s pretty small, to sleep in.Poppy Like I say, he’s told me a lot about you.Elise He didn’t tell us anything about you. Dad had to spy on him to find

out.Father Elise.Elise Yes father?Father Be kind.Elise Is that wine? Can I have one?Father No.Elise It’s a special occasion.Father A small one. With your dinner.Elise Thank you.

Elise gets up and pours herself a drink. Not small.

Mother Elsie, what are you doing?Elise Dad said I could.Father Not that much, young lady.

Elise shrugs, drains half the glass in a single gulp.

Elise That better? What are you making?Mother A quiche.Elise Lovely.

Elise returns carrying two drinks, giving the second to Poppy.

Elise Treat yourself.

Poppy puts the drink on the  coffee table .

Elise You know Dad had never heard of quiche. It wasn’t that long ago.

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Father I grew up in the Wairarapa.Elise They have quiche in the Wairarapa.Father Didn’t when I was growing up.Elise This was only ten years ago. We were at a cafe, in Wellington, and he didn’t even know how to say it. He asked the waitress for a ‘quicky’.FatherThanks Elise.Elise My pleasure.Poppy That’s cute. It’s a cute story.

An awkward silence. Sam rushes in, carefully dressed and trying to hide his desperate panic. He surveys the scene for signs of lasting damage. Poppy stands and walks across to Sam, kissing him. Sam looks distinctly uncomfortable.

Poppy Sorry, he made me promise it would be a surprise.Father I thought it’d be nicer, if it was a surprise. It is nice, isn’t it? Sam Oh, Mum, are you cooking?Mother Exasperated. Yes, I’m cooking.Sam Clearly lying. I’m so sorry. Elise just told me Poppy was coming

around, so I ordered pizza. I just phoned them... So you wouldn’t have to go to any trouble.

Mother Well, you can cancel it.Sam You can’t. I’ve already paid. You pay when you call. That’s how it

works.Elise You don’t have any money.Sam I used your card.Elise What the fuck?Mother Elise!Father Your mother’s cooking dinner. When the pizza comes, we’ll put in

the fridge, eat it tomorrow. For breakfast. I like cold pizza for breakfast.

Sam Cold pizza is disgusting.Elise Which we’re used to.Sam Dad, what are you doing?Poppy He’s hoping for a quicky.Sam What?Poppy A joke.Sam How?Poppy Your sister told me the story, about your father asking the waitress

for a quickie.

Sam is speechless.  He sits.

Sam Great.

Mother arrives in the silence with the plate of stale crackers that earlier challenged the Seventh Day Adventists.

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Mother I’m sorry. We only have vegemite. I know some people prefer marmite.

Sam You don’t have to have one.Poppy I assumed I had a choice.Sam I…

Poppy takes a soft cracker and bites politely. It is just foul enough for her to reach for a wine.

Sam You said you didn’t drink.Poppy You told me you were an orphan.Sam When did I -Poppy I was joking.Elise That’s the definition of a biscuit. They go soft when they go stale.

The start hard and go soft. Whereas a cake starts soft and goes hard when it’s stale.

Poppy That’s interesting.Elise It was on QI.Poppy I love QI.Elise Yeah, I got sick of it.

Elise drains her glass. The silence descends. The mother still stands, stranded.

Mother Would anyone else like one?

Heads shake. The Mother puts them on the coffee table, beside Poppy’s wine. Sam stands.

Sam It’s just through here. I’ll show you.Poppy What?Sam You said you needed the bathroom.Father When did she?Sam What does it… Before, on the phone.Father No she didn’t.Sam You listened to our phone call?Father She was standing right in front of me. What did you call her for,

when she was -Sam I didn’t know. I thought there was still time.Father For what?Elise I’ll take her.Poppy I don’t even -Elise I’ll show you for later.

Elise leads a puzzled Poppy from the room. Sam ushers his mother back to the kitchen. Father finishes his glass, refills.

Sam What is this?

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Mother Quiche.Sam With the tinned salmon? Did you leave the bones in?Mother They’re very good for you.Sam She’s a vegetarian.Mother She didn’t say she was. I had Elise ask.Sam Elsie is unreliable. Mother She wouldn’t lie about that.Sam It’s… It doesn’t matter. The pizza’s vegetarian. I got vegetarian

pizza. It’ll be fine.Mother I don’t understand.Father Sam, you’re being rude. Would you like a drink?Sam When have I ever had a drink here?Father But you drink other places?Sam Of course I drink other places.Father Then why not here?Sam Mumbles, walking away. It’s had enough keeping my thoughts to

myself when I’m sober.

Father takes a now empty wine bottle, moves to place it in a recycling bin, then pulls out a second empty bottle and contemplates it. Brings both bottles into the lounge.

Father You remember that game with two wine bottles?Sam There is no game.Father Perhaps it wasn’t you. It’s a competition. You have to… I don’t

remember.

He drops to the floor in a press up position, holding a bottle in each hand by its neck, so they form something like hand stilts.  Commentates as he performs the challenge.

Father Yes, and the thing is, you have to place one bottle as far away as you can, like this, and then return on the single bottle.

Sam Is there any way you could delay your mid-life crisis for just one more week?

To Sam’s horror, Elise returns with Poppy mid-demonstration.

Poppy What’s happening?Sam He’s having a break down.Father Grunted through much effort. It’s a game. You have to just… I was

just showing them how…

Father manages to stand again, clearly proud of his effort.

Father That’s just a demonstration. I’d put it out further, if we were competing.

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Sam moves to take the bottle off the floor. Father leaps across and places his foot where the bottle was.

Sam What are you doing?Father Marking the spot.Elise What I love is the way you thought it was Mum who would be the

embarrassing one.Sam Quietly to Poppy. Tell them you’re a vegetarian.Poppy I’m not. Can I have a turn?Sam You don’t have to -Poppy I want to.Father That’s the spirit.

Poppy attempts the challenge, with Sam’ father kneeling beside her, offering instructions.

Father It’s easy to get out than it is to get back, so don’t over reach. That’s right, now make sure you can hold that solidly on one hand before you let go.

Elise How does it feel to see your father flirting with your girlfriend?Sam Remarkably, that is not the greatest of my pains right now… Oh

shit!

Sam has noticed his mother, frozen, crying. He rushes quickly to the kitchen and puts an arm around her. In the background the game continues, Elise now joining in.

Sam You’re okay, Mum. You’re okay.Mother They were right. I tried to fight the flames alone.Sam Who?Mother The people who were here… The Seventh Day Adventists.Sam There were no people here.Mother It’s pride. Pride is a sin.Sam It’s all right. We’re here.

Mother looks at him and shakes her head.

Mother Oh Sam.Sam Thank you for inviting Poppy round, it’s lovely.Mother Is she really a vegetarian?Sam Yes.Mother Fish will be all right. You can eat fish on a Friday.Sam It’s not Friday.Mother But you can.Sam Okay. Sure. You’re right.

Sam kisses his mother on the forehead and returns to the lounge.

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Elise Come on. Your turn.Sam I’m fine.Elise You can’t let Dad win.Father That was just my practice. I could go further.

Sam’s mother has followed him out from the kitchen.

Mother Would anyone like a cup of tea?Father I’ve already asked.Mother Well she might have changed her mind.Elise Is that how you did it, Sam? Kept asking until she gave in?Poppy I’m fine thank you, Mary.Elise Mary?Sam It’s her name.Elise Yes Samuel, it is.

By common assent the game is over and they return to their seats. More silence, Father searching for the next ice breaker, Elise loading up for the next assault, Sam shrinking into the furniture. Poppy remains calm. She is apparently enjoying her wine.

Elise walks to the kitchen, looks over the cooking. She is pleased with what she sees. Helps herself to another wine. Pours one for her mother, who ignores it. Returns to the lounge.

Elise Definitely no takers for a cup of tea, then?Father No, thank you.Elise Maybe later. Are you staying the night, Poppy?Sam I’ll drive you home as soon as we’ve eaten.Elise She might want a cup of tea, later. Have you asked her?Sam Let it go!Father Sam, calm down. She was just offering Poppy a cup of tea.Sam She was talking about sex.Father Don’t be ridiculous.Poppy It’s a video, on sexual consent. Where they compare sex to having a cup of tea.FatherHow?Elise Poppy’s been drinking, by the way Sam. That means even if she says she wants a cup of tea, you can’t be sure -

Sam stands, finally having lost it.

Sam Just shut the fuck up!Elise You all right there, little brother?Sam Get out! Get out before I -

Elise stands

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Elise What? Say something honest, for once in your life?Sam Yeah, because you’re the only person in the world with the courage

to say what you’re thinking. Just a shame the only thing you do think is ‘Elise, Elise, Elise.’

Elise Better than ‘I’m scared, I’m scared, I’m scared.’Sam Scared of what, you?Elise No, yourself.Sam That doesn’t even mean anything.Elise Really. Shall we ask Mum?Father Elise, leave it.Sam See how far you’ve gone? Even Daddy’s unhappy with his little girl.Elise Yeah, that’s right. I’m the favourite.Sam Actually, yes. And you’re so far up your own arse you can’t even

see it.Poppy Sam, you’re just giving her what she wants.Elise This is none of your business.Sam Do not start with her.Father Elise, I will not have you be rude to our guests.Elise You’re as bad.Father I beg your pardon?

A pause, as if everybody in the room knows they have moved into new territory. A last chance for Elise to back away. She is shaken, too, but determined to say what she believes needs to be said.

Elise Mum is sick, okay, properly sick. And you two are so infatuated with your own sainthood you’ve both become as dependent upon that fact as she is. You make her worse, don’t you understand that? Tiptoeing around her, indulging her every little manipulative weakness, because it makes you feel better about yourselves.

Elise walks back into the kitchen, moving about her mother as if she isn’t even there. She picks up a fry pan to display its contents.

Elise Look! She’s fried up chunks of luncheon sausage. You have your first ever girlfriend around for dinner, and she is about to serve up fried up luncheon sausage, and your plan was seriously to just sit there and tell her it was delicious? You are going to put your mother’s temporary respite from madness ahead of a real chance at happiness? And then when I refuse to play your indulgent little game of competitive self denial, you look at me like I’m some sort of monster.

Elise takes the frying pan and places it on the coffee table.

Elise Help yourself. It’s very good.

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Sam has sunk back into the couch, too horrified for words. His father sits beside him, gives his son’s leg a firm squeeze of support.

Poppy walks back to the mother and hugs her. The mother brushes her off and walks slowly, dazed, into the middle of the room. She stands over the frying pan, staring down.

Mother I know I haven’t been a good mother.Elise Here we go. Cue the world famous passive aggressive bullshit.Mother I do not appreciate people talking about me as if I am not even

here. I am here. I am right here.

Silence. Sam moves back to stand speechless beside Poppy. He can not look her in the eye. She takes his hand in hers.

Mother He isn’t a saint, you know. Your father.Father Mary!Mother He isn’t a saint.

Sam and Elise look at one another as the import of this sinks in. There is a knock at the door.

Sam That’ll be the pizza.

Sam moves to across the battlefield to the door. It is in fact not the pizza, but rather Annie and Toby.

Sam Um, hello.Annie I’m sorry, Toby seems to have left his phone somewhere.Sam I, um, do we know you?

Mother walks across, straightening herself, as if nothing at all has happened.

Mother Hello again. Do please, come in. We were just about to have dinner, but there’s plenty. Stay and join us.

Elise What are you doing?Father You’ve caused enough trouble for one night.Elise Sorry, my bad. Come in, have a seat. There’s a little entree on the

coffee table. Do help yourself.

The others have stood, ushering the Seventh Day Adventists to the couch, where they now sit trapped before the food. The mother arrives with toothpicks. They have no choice but to eat.

Elise So, Toby, is it?Toby Yes.Elise How old are you?Toby Seventeen.

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Elise Would you like a cup of tea? It’s no trouble. In fact I imagine I’d quite enjoy it.

Toby Um, no thank you.Annie We don’t drink tea.Elise Really. Well you’re missing out. I make an excellent cup of tea.

Sam here’s just started drinking it too, haven’t you Sam? Why don’t you drink it?Toby The body is sacred. We keep it as healthy as we can, so it’ll be

ready for the Lord’s return.Elise I didn’t know that. What else don’t you do?Toby Drugs, alcohol. Pork. This wasn’t…Elise I’d be surprised if there was any meat in it at all, actually. You must

be healthy, then.Toby I’m lucky.Elise Are you strong? Can I feel your arms?

She does this, uninvited. Toby smiles. Annie bristles. Toby spies his phone.

Toby There it is.

Elise jumps into action, retrieving the phone and handing it to Toby.

Toby Thank you.Elise I can put my number on it, if you like.Toby Yeah, sure.Annie We should be going.

Annie stands. Toby looks quickly at Elise’s number, as if memorising it. He stands reluctantly.

Sam’s father pulls him aside.

Father I’m not proud of what I’ve done. It was what I tried to tell you. With the prairie voles. I didn’t make much of a job of it did I? Read

your text. I’ve texted you.

Sam looks to his phone.

Sam Okay, well you’ve done it again.Father What?Sam The message didn’t come to me. Father But I, looked…Sam Wait a minute, this isn’t my -

Sam realises the error and moves quickly towards Toby, his voice desperate.

Sam Wrong phone. We just need to -

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Instinctively, Toby looks down at the phone. Annie snatches it off him. Sam, unthinking with dread, attempts to take the phone off Annie. She resists - an awful moment of unintended physical conflict. To his horror, Sam sees Annie sprawl to the ground, still clutching the phone.

In the funereal silence, Annie looks at the message.

Father Ah, you don’t want to…

Too late.

Annie This is what you send your son? You send him masturbation advice?

Sam, horrified, looks to his mother, then to Poppy, and finally, unbelieving, to his father. Both father and son are speechless.

Father I, ah... you’re taking it out of context.

Silence. Sam throws Toby his phone.

Poppy moves off,  towards the bathroom. Father walks back to his wife and attempts to put his arms around her. She is as stone.

Sam glares at his sister, then follows Poppy into the hallway.

Sam Poppy.Poppy I just need to use the bathroom.Sam Promise you won’t climb out the window and escape?Poppy In these shoes?Sam I, I feel like I should explain, but I honestly don’t know how.Poppy It’s all right.Sam It’s not.Poppy Back in a minute.Sam I’ll be in there. Points to the garage.

Sam moves back to the car, opens the door, sits inside.

Back at the lounge, Annie and Toby leave. The mother, silent and steadfast, sets the dinner table and brings out the quiche. Father and Elise sit at the table, unspeaking. They begin to eat.

Sam sits in the car, beside himself.

Poppy returns, sees him, moves to the car, sits next to him. She takes his hand. They sit in silence.

She grabs her phone, plugs it into the stereo. Plays their favourite song. They listen, quietly.

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Sam I’d rather you say it now, than you still be thinking it when you get home.Poppy Say what?Sam Don’t make me say it.Poppy I honestly don’t know.Sam You don’t have to come away with me. You don’t even have to talk

to me anymore. I mean, how could you?Poppy Why wouldn’t I?Sam My sister abused you, my mother tried to poison you, my father’s

been sending pornographic messages.Poppy Families.Sam I’ve met your family, they’re nothing like this.Poppy You’re right. I’m lucky.Sam Yeah.Poppy I’m not going think less of you just because your family are…Sam There’s no word, is there?Poppy Interesting?Sam The interest fades.Poppy I’m sorry.Sam I’m not a charity.Poppy I know.Sam That’s me, Poppy. That’ll always be me. It’s who I am.Poppy I know... It’s what’s made you kind.Sam I wasn’t kind in there.Poppy Night’s still young.Sam You don’t have to go back. No one would expect you to -Poppy It’s fine. Honestly.

Sam looks at Poppy, as if he can not fully believe her response. Poppy kisses him. She gets out of the car and leads the way back into the lounge, where the other three wait, staring silently at their meals.

Poppy and Sam sit.

Poppy So, who’s saying grace?

The mother smiles slightly, bows her head and gives her thanks: ‘Blessed be lord and these thy gifts, which of thy goodness we are about to receive. Amen.’

Poppy leads the eating, bravely cutting her way into an impossibly thin, baseless quiche. The others follow suit.

Father Anyone for more wine?Poppy Why not?

Father empties the bottle, there being only a small portion left.

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Father Looks like we’re running on empty here. I think there’s another one in the fridge.

Poppy I’ll get it.

Poppy all but bounces to the kitchen. Sam’s mood is already lifting when his mother leans across the table and takes his wrist.

Mother I like this one Sam. You deserve it. You deserve to be happy.Elise And I don’t?Mother Not tonight. No.

Poppy returns, lights fading on the meal as the music returns, the song from the car. In the half light the business of eating, clearing plates and saying goodbyes plays out in time lapse.

Sam and Poppy return to the car. Mother busies herself with dishes, as uncertain as ever, but this time, when her husband moves to her, she does not push him away.

Elise sits alone, headphones in.

Music rises further, lights fully down.

THE END

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