High of 75

An original comedy about best friends, the mafia, and “alldatuddergoodstuff”

Screenplay

By: Michael Harlovic

EXT. SUNNY DAY

St. Louis, Mo. It is a warm, sunny morning in the fictional north side Fordell neighborhood. On fictional Henshaw Drive, there aren’t many people out yet at this time of day. Otherwise, it is a pretty lively neighborhood. There is a small Music/movies/games store on one end of the block and a café known for its skillets on the other end. In the middle of the street, thus is the location of the Garden Grove apartments.

As the opening credits roll, there are photographs of St. Louis shown. The slideshow begins from the early days of the city through the 20th century into present time. Some places of note that are shown are the Arch, Old and New Busch Stadium, the Mississippi River, Anheuser-Busch complex, the Wainwright building, and various churches.

INT. APARTMENT ROOM

The apartment room is pretty messy. There is a decent-sized living room, small kitchen, 1 bathroom, 1 closet, and 2 bedrooms, the perfect extent for two young friends. The whole apartment is currently messy because Kyle threw a party the previous night. There are Pizza Hut boxes, Taco Bell wrappers, beer cans, clothes, and various “other objects” all over the place. The living room consists of a single couch, table, and entertainment set in one corner, and a small extra table with a chair on the other. The kitchen is attached to the living room on the opposite side. There are 3 posters on the wall; one of Clerks, one of Kill Bill vol. 1 and 2, and the other of a Bob Marley theme.

Marty is chilling on the couch playing Grand Theft Auto IV, enjoying a cigarette. Suddenly, Kyle shouts something from his room.

KYLE (Enraged)

No! My masterpiece! It’s ruined!

Marty darts into Kyle’s room to see what the problem is.

Kyle’s room is equally as messy as the living room. He lives in the larger room so he’ll have extra space to work on his projects. He has countless posters and projects/paintings all over his room, with a giant bed in the middle. There is also a fish tank and lava lamp on a dresser.

Kyle is frantically looking around the room for a missing piece to a gigantic birdhouse he is building for a customer.

MARTY

Yo! What the hell are you crying at brah?

KYLE

The glass piece! My glass chimney piece is missing. It’s a little ornament that goes here.

Kyle points out the part of the birdhouse where the piece attaches to.

KYLE

Now I can’t sell this thing to Ms. Ebeneighber!

MARTY

Man, what you mean it’s missing? Didn’t that cost you $70 bucks?

KYLE

Yeah, I’ve looked everywhere for it the last hour. I bet you took it!

Marty wildly throws his arms in the air

MARTY

Sure, blame me! You know I was at work until 2 last night.

Camera shows Kyle’s left arm with a tattoo that is half-covered by his sleeve

MARTY

Who was that girl that…Wait, what’s that on your…

Marty pulls Kyle’s left arm towards him and lifts his sleeve up

MARTY

That’s not the Blink-182 smiley face, is it?

KYLE (Laughs)

Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you, Kevin bet me that if I could drink a home run*, he’d pay for this ta…

Kyle looks at his tattoo and realizes it was done wrong.

KYLE

The…THE FUCKING TATTOO IS WRONG! THE FACE IS UPSIDE DOWN! AND THERE’S ONLY 2 ARROWS!

MARTY

Woah…Ha-ha, dude, did you bring a picture of it or something for the artist?

KYLE

I thought I gave a good description!

Marty looks up toward the ceiling and tries to imagine how Kyle explained what the tattoo looked like to the artist.

TATTOO ARTIST

Alright sir, what does the smiley face look like?

KYLE (Intoxicated)

Ughgh...uhhh

Kyle points at his arm and tells the artist what the face incorrectly looks like.

KYLE (Slurring words)

There’s a face here…uhh, arrows there and here...uhh, it’s pink and green…and stuff…

TATTOO ARTIST

Are you sure you want to proceed without a definitive picture? You seem a bit intoxicated.

KYLE (Falling asleep)

I’m definitely, to-totally not…iboxirated…brooo (falls asleep)

Marty shakes his head

MARTY

Who was that girl that left when I got home? I bet she snatched your ornament!

KYLE

Lauren? She had…Wait a sec, she did say something to me.

Kyle squints and a flashback ensues, going back to the night before in Kyle’s room.

FLASH

Kyle and Lauren are present, sitting on the bed. Kyle is trying to get Lauren to sleep with him.

LAUREN

Crap! I’m sorry, my friend Rebecca just texted me, she needs my help.

KYLE

(Slurring words) Aw c’mon! I just bought Pulp Fiction! You said you were itching to watch Bruce Willis boss it up.

Lauren gets up and heads for the door.

LAUREN

Well, it’s something about her ex-boyfriend, she’s distraught and pouty, I’m so sorry.

KYLE

No, no, no!

As Kyle continues to rant and tries to hold back his vomit, Lauren’s bag accidentally hits the glass piece off of Kyle’s dresser. Before Kyle can notice, she quickly sweeps the glass pieces underneath some clothes on the floor.

LAUREN

Um, yeah you’re pretty drunk anyway. I’m outta here.

Lauren leaves the apartment

FLASH

Flashback to present time, Kyle makes a disgusted face because the thing he ends up remembering is that Lauren left and he didn’t get to sleep with her.

KYLE

Forget that slut man. Let’s grab some eats.

EXT. HENSHAW DRIVE – DAY

It is a sunny day outside. There are not many people outside today. There is a man across the street relaxing on a chair on his stoop. Two doors down, there are two boys playing on theirs. A mailman begins to make his route on the opposite side of the street.

Marty and Kyle decide to walk down the street for breakfast. They head down their stoop and walk to the café, trying to figure out what happened to the piece.

MARTY

So you placed your device in Lauren’s pouch?

KYLE

From what I remember…..yeah it probably fell into her stupid Versace bag somehow.

MARTY

You must have been wild, how many other people showed up?

KYLE (Giggles)

Let’s see, probably a dozen. Mart, it was absolutely untamed. I’m tellin’ you!

MARTY

How was the Dizski Diz holdin’ up?

KYLE

Man you know him, with that dumb-ass expression he gives. Nick walked to the hall bathroom once and there he was…

FLASH

A flashback ensues to the party the night before. It is relatively loud, and there is music playing and people laughing. Nick stumbles out of the door and plods his way to the bathroom and the end of the hall with a can of beer in his hand. He approaches the bathroom door and sees Mr. Dzebowski, the landlord, open his door and stand outside making the “dumb-ass” expression that Kyle mentioned.

FLASH

Kyle is immediately shown making the facial expression himself to Marty.

MARTY

Ha-ha, what a clown.

There is a long pause before Kyle speaks

KYLE

Yeah, well I’m just grateful my brain didn’t start leaking out of my ears.

Marty and Kyle reach the end of the street, turn the corner and are about to head into the Sensee Café. Just before they enter, out comes Mr. Dzebowski with a newspaper and coffee in hand. The boys are very shocked to see him. Kyle nervously greets Mr. Dzebowski.

KYLE

Mr. Diiiiiiiiz!!! He-he, uh, what a surprise…

MR. DZEBOWSKI

For the love of Christ! The D is silent! How many times to I have to explain that to you boys!?

When Mr. D yells, Marty and Kyle are blown back a little

MARTY

Don’t worry Mark, we’re just playin’ around.

KYLE

Yeah man, just playin’

MR. DZEBOWSKI

Well, this certainly works out well for me. Now that you both are standing before me, I can inform you each of the fine…

Marty and Kyle look at each other in a confused and nervous way

KYLE

The fine? Man, what damn fine?

MR. DZEBOWSKI

YEEES, Mr. Kane, the fine. The certain fine that apparently I’m well aware of that you know all about, no questions asked, SIR. That fine.

KYLE

What fine? What the heck did we do?

Marty puts his arm around Kyle’s shoulder

MARTY

What Mark? We’re just two, hard-working residents of the best damn apartment complex in the Lou.

MR. DZEBOWSKI

Well, where must I begin? Was it that tiger/lion fight I had the pleasure of listening to last night for an hour?

As the three argue, the camera quickly switches at obscure angles each time somebody talks.

KYLE

That was just the Discovery channel!

MR. DZEBOWSKI

That rancid mix of peanut butter and beef jerky I sniffed?

Mr. D makes a disgusted face and sniffs the air a few times

KYLE

Our stove blew a fuse!

MARTY

Fix the damn gas line!

MR. DZEBOWSKI

I found a four foot hole in the hall window!

KYLE

Alright, that was definitely Kevin’s fault!

MR. DZEBOWSKI

He-he. Boys, have fun trying to play the DBG with the city. You see, the DBG is a little thing I like to call, the deflect blame game.

MARTY

Whoa, boys? I wasn’t even home then last night! I was working!

MR. DZEBOWSKI

SHUTUP MARTY! Smearing invisible paste on my car windshield and leaving a naughty picture on my door doesn’t quite let you off the hook.

Marty says “shit” to himself, as if Mr. Dzebowski figured out Marty did those things to him.

Mr. Dzebowski pulls the fine information out of his pocket and hands it to Marty and Kyle.

MR. DZEBOWSKI

One more slip up, and you’ll be ousted from the Garden Grove apartments for good!

Mr. Dzebowski puts a hat on his head and walks back to the apartment

MR. DZEBOWSKI

So long, Cheech and Chong!

Marty and Kyle turn around and look back at Mr. Dzebowski

KYLE

Son of a! This money was going to buy me that Chris Tampier* 16-track collection (Chris Tampier is a fictitious musician).

MARTY

Didn’t you lose your bid to that 67-year old dude on eBay?

KYLE

Yeah, but he died of Marfanoid heterotopia glioneuronal craniosynostosis (taken from Marfanoid craniosynostosis syndrome and Marginal glioneuronal heterotopia).

MARTY

Ah, sounds mar-velous.

INT. SENSEE CAFÉ

The Sensee Café has a front bar with stools, and another section with only booths. There are only about six other people eating, and three waitresses. The heavy smell of coffee and pancakes fills the air.

Marty and Kyle walk into the café, walk to a booth and sit down. Marty unfolds a napkin and places it on his lap, and organizes his silverware, setting the knife, spoon, and fork all on the left side of his plate and his glass on the right side. Kyle does the opposite and shuffles his silverware in a disorganized manner, and takes 2 folded sheets of paper, a paintbrush, a lighter, and a pick used to sculpt clay out of his pocket and places them on the table.

KYLE

Christ Mart, how the hell could he slap a sixteen-hundred dollar fine on us?

MARTY

Seriously! Like, we’ve been good on getting the rent in, we follow his freakin’ rules.

KYLE

When do we even make noise?

MARTY

(Chuckles) Last night son!

Marty reaches over to Kyle and they exchange a special handshake

KYLE

Dude, you remember Big Ian’s sister, Brittney?

MARTY

Works at K&R financial downtown right?

KYLE

Yeah man, she can put down a bottle of vodka quicker than Yadi throws to 2nd base. Got a pretty nice bod to boot too, you know what I’m sayin’? (Chuckles)

The waitress, a slender, pretty young woman with long, dark red hair, greets the boys and takes their order.

WAITRESS

Boys, are we ready to order?

MARTY

I think we can order a meal right now, Kyle?

KYLE

I’ll have the New England skillet with a cinnamon roll

MARTY

Apple pancake for me please

WAITRESS

Beverage?

MARTY

Coffee, 2 sugar, 1 cream

KYLE

The “Chocolate Milk Sweet Dream”

WAITRESS

Ok, coming right up! It might take a little longer. I think our stove just blew a fuse or something. Nothing seems to be working today huh? (Smiles)

As the waitress walks away, Marty and Kyle lean over and look at her walk away with jaws wide-open. Kyle pretends to make-out with her, while Marty mouths incoherent words to Kyle.

MARTY (Chuckles)

Man, your ass can go buy your chimney thing and pay that fine, I’m gonna post up here the rest of the day.

Marty looks back at the waitress.

KYLE

She was beyond fine! I’ve never seen her here yet.

MARTY

I’m bet she’s one of those “friends” chicks. Before you know it, she’ll have some of her girls up here working in no time.

Shot of Marty and Kyle from the side as the waitress drops off their food at the table without saying anything.

MARTY

There’s gonna be all kinds of hotties bringing breakfast, lunch, and dinner to us. And a little pie for dessert, if you know what I mean (Chuckles).

Marty and Kyle begin to eat their food. There is no dialogue for 10 seconds. The camera switches between Marty and Kyle for the duration of the 10 seconds.

KYLE

Yo, our food came pretty quick didn’t it?

MARTY

Yeah…chick’s been taught well (Chuckles)

KYLE

(Chuckles)

All of a sudden, Marty and Kyle wake up in a large warehouse, side-by-side tied to chairs. The warehouse is located in East St. Louis in Illinois, and is used for storing aircraft parts…the perfect hiding spot for a gang of mobsters! The windows of the warehouse are all covered, as well as most of the old aircraft. The warehouse is dark despite a lone light hovering over Marty and Kyle. A group of three mobsters encircle Marty and Kyle, who are blindfolded and trying to speak.

Domino “The Bastard” Facelli approaches Marty with a small whip and hits his head with it.

FACELLI

THAT BETTA TEACH YOU NOT TO MESS WITH THE GRANDO ROMANO!

MARTY & KYLE

(Muffled speech)

FACELLI

Come again? I couldn’t quite hear yous. Ya see, I have a little difficulty communicating with…snitches.

He hits them again and squats down.

FACELLI

Lemme tell you Cafones somethin’ right now, if I didn’t have fuckin’ pigs up my ass from my last Ruskie encounter (reference to Russian Mafia), I’d cut your fuckin’ faces off and piss in your empty skulls!

HONOLULU

Boss, you think they got any leads yet man?

FACELLI

Nah, we’re safe in St. Louie for now, just as long as the trinkets from our last escapade can make it back to Chicago on time.

HONOLULU

Trinkets boss?

FACELLI

Sugar, Cannolis, Legos! DA MONEY YOU FUCKIN’ BOLZITO!!! (Fictional Italian insult)

Facelli whips Honolulu in the stomach, and he falls to the floor in pain.

FACELLI

Betta take these chumps to see the Don, he’s expectin’

INT. DOMINO FACELLI’S SEDAN

Facelli, Wesdubollo, Honolulu, Marty, and Kyle all leave the warehouse and pile into a sedan. They are going to see the Don Martino Romano who owns a mansion in The Hill, an Italian neighborhood in St. Louis. Facelli is driving the car and Wesdubollo is sitting beside him in the passenger seat. Marty, Kyle, and Honolulu are sitting in the back seats. “Fly Me to The Moon” by Frank Sinatra is playing on the radio.

There is a shot of everyone in the car and there is silence for 6-7 seconds. Suddenly, Wesdubollo starts to tell a story.

WESDUBOLLO

(In a thick Chicago accent) So, I wake up one morning and walk to the kitchen, my wife is out in the yard pullin’ weeds and crap, ya know, doin’ all that. So I goes, “Hey! Why the hell aren’t there any peppers in my freakin’ omelet? I gotta drive to work in two minutes!” She goes, “Well, somebody finished `em off for dinner last night so you can grab some on your way home from work!” I goes, “Well, ya know…alright.” So I goes to the deli, er, Frankie’s deli on 33rd and Victoria, ya know, they got the fresh produce and good meats and alldatuddergoodstuff. I gettudda store and right outside the Liquor store next door there there’s a guy on a bench, passed out with his pants around his ankles and the word FAIL written in permanent marker on his face. (Laughs) I thought it was the funniest thing I ever saw.

FACELLI (Rolls eyes)

Jesus Christ Wesdubollo, I can’t even comprehend how many times you were dropped on your head as a child.

Wesdubollo’s smile quickly promptly turns into a frown

HOLOLULU

So you think Emilio will come through on those goods boss?

FACELLI

He better! There’s a bounty of $2 million on his head and I’m not gonna be the one to pull the trigger, not after last time! He’s flying the jet out to Denver. We finish this shit then meet him out there.

Honolulu looks out the window

HONOLULU

Can’t beat a good ol’ fashioned pair of wings man. Anything on wheels shippin’ west of Louisville, they’re stoppin’ and tossin’ man.

Honolulu makes a thumbs down and “pthbthb” noise

HONOLULU

That’s it, you’re done cuz. No pineapple tonight man. Wait `till next week man (Chuckles).

The car suddenly hits a pothole and a faint hissing noise begins to teem. The trio begins to detect the noise after a few seconds and they are all looking around the car trying to listen.

HONOLULU

Yo, what was that man?

The car slowly halts to a stop. They pull up over to the side of the street, only a block and a half away from the mansion.

FACELLI

(In a nervous tone) Not sure. Dino, get outta the car and figure out what that was please.

Wesdubollo is ignoring Facelli and reading a magazine while eating peanuts

Facelli turns his head towards Wesdubollo, and gives him a death stare

FACELLI (Extends his hand)

Dino…you gonna get outta the fuckin’ car?

Wesdubollo quickly throws the magazine to the floor and gets out of the car.

HONOLULU

Think it’s a flat boss?

FACELLI

Better not be, I just poured $3000 into this pile of junk.

Facelli points to the mansion with his finger

FACELLI (Sighs, wipes nose)

Well at least we’ve arrived.

He hands Honolulu a 9mm and pulls out a .22 for himself.

Facelli and Honolulu get out of car. Honolulu grabs Marty and Kyle both at once by their collars and effortlessly pulls them out of the car. Wesdubollo stays outside and continues to inspect the car in a very strange and awkward fashion

The five men approach the door and open it slowly.

INT. MANSION – DAY

There aren’t any lights on inside the mansion, only the sunlight from outside illuminates the foyer. There are two rooms on either side of the front door, and a dual staircase that leads up to the front foyer, where there are three doors, one double-door. There are various paintings on the walls, mostly of Italy/Sicily.

Facelli and company are perplexed as why the mansion is so quiet.

FACELLI

Hello? Are you there sir?

Facelli turns his head at Honolulu and shrugs his shoulders

The men make their way up the right-hand staircase and head for the double doors. As they approach the doors, dramatic music begins to play louder. Facelli opens the door and discovers something terrible.

INT. DON’S OFFICE – DAY

The Don’s circle-shaped office has a good collection of books, a small workspace in one corner and a giant chair for relaxation in the other. The chair and workspace are on a raised platform in the back half of the room. There are two portraits side by side on the wall across from the double doors, and another painting above the desk. There is a large rug on the floor as well.

The Don is slumped over in his big chair. There is blood splattered all over the chair and wall behind.

FACELLI

HOLY SHIT!!!! No! No! No!

Facelli runs over to the chair the Don is in. Meanwhile, a stranger who was already hiding in the room sneaks up behind Facelli, but Honolulu grabs him by his collar right before he can grab a hold of Facelli.

Honolulu spins him around

HONOLULU

(Shakes head) Unum-um

(Off-screen) Honolulu starts to beat the crap out of the intruder.

Facelli inspects the body, and notices that there is an envelope in the Don’s left hand.

FACELLI

Fucking Shotgun...

Reaches for envelope in the Don’s hand, opens it, and reads the letter out loud.

FACELLI

The mighty eagle has struck, 75 grams of Es (Eskyler) is now in the hands of Sir Leon Gordiolla. Tokyo will certainly arise to a red sun in five days. Fuck the Romano family. They are all scum.

Facelli makes a disgusted face and turns around to Honolulu

FACELLI

Otto, we got a…

Gunshots ring from outside. Wesdubollo shouts for Facelli’s and Honolulu’s help.

HONOLULU

Yo, we gotta go man!

Honolulu makes a signal to Facelli.

Facelli runs a few steps toward the door, then stops and remembers Marty and Kyle. Marty and Kyle are shown dopily standing side-by-side. Facelli then shakes his head and he and Honolulu run outside.

Marty and Kyle turn and look at each other.

MARTY

(Muffled, incoherent speech) Man, what do we do now?

KYLE

(Muffled speech) Wait bro, give me a sec.

MARTY

(Muffled speech) What are you doing?

KYLE

(Muffled speech) Hold on, yep, I knew it.

Kyle suddenly realizes that his handcuffs are easily breakable because they’re made of plastic. He breaks free and rips off the blindfold and tape over his mouth. He helps Marty get out of his handcuffs, blindfold and tape as well.

Kyle holds up the pair of plastic handcuffs. Marty and Kyle both start to laugh hysterically, then hug.

MARTY

C’mon, we have to find a back door. Quickly!

Marty runs out of the office, and Kyle follows behind, but stops and notices the same exact glass chimney piece he meant to buy sitting on a shelf in the office.

KYLE

(Wide-open eyes, at a loss of words)

Kyle grabs the piece.

MARTY

Chop-chop, let’s go!

Kyle follows Marty out of the room.

Marty and Kyle quickly navigate their way out of the mansion and into the backyard. The camera switches at very obscure angles as they run through the corridors.

EXT. MANSION COURTYARD – AFTERNOON

Marty and Kyle dust themselves off, fix themselves up, etc.

Marty turns to Kyle, looking pretty frustrated

MARTY (Sighs)

Ok, now where were we?

KYLE

Dude, how long were we fuckin’ with those guys?

MARTY

I don’t know, like four hours?

KYLE

Did you hear what those guys were talking about?

MARTY

Yeah man I heard something about the Romano family, and some drug called Es?

KYLE

Es?

Kyle looks away from Marty, almost as if he is gathering his thoughts.

KYLE

Oh my god man, I’ve studied that drug before.

MARTY

No, no you didn’t study it. You’ve never studied anything since second semester freshman year…Sarah Hurclive of the two-eight-five! (Referencing a past event from college)

KYLE

Ha-ha! My boy! He’s back!

Marty and Kyle are both very happy and exchange their handshake and give each other a giant bro hug.

KYLE

Well I don’t know about you but I’m starving, again!

MARTY

Yeah dude, I could…HOLD ON, Let’s just pick up some groceries from HappyFoods and make some sandwiches or something ourselves.

KYLE

Alright.

Marty and Kyle continue walking down the sidewalk.

KYLE

Hey you know what I haven’t had in awhile? Willie Wonka Bottle Caps.

EXT. SIDEWALK – LATE AFTERNOON

Marty and Kyle walk a few blocks down the street to Santa Marta Ave., where there is a HappyFoods and a bus stop they can take home.

MARTY

Seriously though, you know something about this drug?

KYLE

Yeah, it’s horrifying. It’s some powder-based substance. What you do is you sprinkle it on your favorite food, like pizza or McDonalds or whatever. By eating your favorite dish, the drug stimulates a certain part of the brain and causes some huge reaction or something.

MARTY

So, like “the greatest high you’ve ever felt” sort of thing?

KYLE

Exactly, but the drug is completely primordial. It wasn’t supposed to be widely used for some 60-70 years from now.

MARTY

But there’s been a leak in Tokyo?

KYLE

Yeah. And the scary thing about it is that even the world’s most brilliant scientists are clueless in figuring the effects. It’s like the line between ingestion of the drug and fatality is absent.

MARTY

Unbelievable. Alright, let’s head on home. There is a bus stop up here.

EXT. BUS STOP – LATE AFTERNOON

Marty and Kyle make their way to the bus stop, each holding a homemade sub sandwich and a bag of groceries in hand. The bus stop is right outside a jewelry store, and there are three other people waiting to board the bus (2 older women, 1 young man).

BUS DRIVER

Thank you gentlemen

Marty and Kyle board the bus. They sit down near the back next to Lawson and Fritz. Lawson introduces himself and Fritz to Marty and Kyle.

LAWSON

Hey guys, I just thought I’d introduce myself to you. I’m Lawson and this is my friend Fritz.

FRITZ

Sup.

LAWSON

We’re not from St. Louis originally. We are just here on business. We love the city though.

FRITZ

Yeah we caught a Cardinals game yesterday. The stadium is tremendous.

MARTY

Oh thanks. Yeah we moved into the city last year after college. I’ve lived here my whole life and I plan on staying.

KYLE

What brings you to the Lou? Are you in the military?

LAWSON

Yep, just passing through for a debriefing. We’re making our way to Los Angeles.

MARTY

That sounds great. We’re making our way back home.

FRITZ

He-he, you guys look like you’re ready to crash

KYLE

Yeah, yeah, just uh…you know, tough day at the ol’ workplace. We both work at Home Depot.

In order to cover up what just happened with them and the mobsters, Kyle lies and tells Austin and Fritz they work at Home Depot.

MARTY (Nervously chuckles)

Yeah, you know those unruly customers. Like, one guy fuckin’ bought 124 bags of grass seed! But we still had three left for sale when he was done (Laughs).

LAWSON

Well, which stop are you guys getting off at?

MARTY

Not until Jefferson Ave.

FRITZ

Well then…

Fritz reaches into his pocket and pulls out two marijuana joints and shows them to Marty and Kyle.

FRITZ

Shall we?

Marty and Kyle smile, look at each other and nod. The bus continues down the road, “Sweet Emotion” by Aerosmith plays.

FADE OUT

FADE IN

EXT. FINAL BUS STOP - NIGHT

Flash forward to 9pm later that night. The bus has arrived at the final stop. There is a side-shot of the bus pulling up to the stop.

INT. BUS - NIGHT

The driver throws the gear into park.

BUS DRIVER

Fellas!

The driver looks at Marty and Kyle, who are both asleep.

BUS DRIVER

Fellas!

The driver stands up and walks over to the guys. He taps Marty on the shoulder a few times

BUS DRIVER

(Yells extremely loudly) HEY!!!!!

Marty wakes up in an instant, while Kyle slowly wakes up

BUS DRIVER

Final stop boys, time to get off.

MARTY

Wha...final…stop…Noooooo!!!

Marty hits a nearby pole with his hand but hurts it and winces

EXT. BUS STOP SIDEWALK - NIGHT

Marty and Kyle walk away from the bus stop as the bus drives off to the pound for the night. They have eaten the rest of their groceries. Marty and Kyle are extremely upset that they missed their stop. Not

only did they miss it, they are on the opposite side of the city now. Marty has no way of getting home in time for work in the morning, and Kyle’s birdhouse is due to Ms. Ebeneighber tomorrow.

MARTY

Dude! DUDE! How the fuck are we going to get home now?

KYLE

How…I…Why…did that joint make you tired or something? I got pretty high but only took about 4 hits.

MARTY

Yeah bro, I remember I shut my eyes for a little, but yeah, that couldn’t have knocked me out.

KYLE

That Lawson guy! Why didn’t he wake us up?

MARTY

They seemed pretty high too, maybe they forgot?

Kyle makes a funny face and puts his finger and thumb to his chin.

KYLE

…Perhaps.

MARTY

Alright, from now on, we DO NOT dine at restaurants or accept treats from strangers!

KYLE

Deal!

Kyle sticks out his hand

MARTY

No, Kyle, that’s not a deal statem…ugh, never mind. (Takes a big sigh) I think the taxis are still making rounds so we…

A payphones next to the bus stop rings. There is nobody else around except Marty and Kyle so they decide to answer. But, curiosity kills that cat, or almost does in this case.

Marty and Kyle slowly approach the phone. Marty picks it up and answers

MARTY

…Hello?

NICK

Hello? Marty? Marty is that you? It’s Nick!

MARTY

Nick? Nick Taylor?

NICK (In an extremely distressed tone)

Yeah yeah! Listen, you guys are in a shitload of danger man. Three fuckin’ mobsters just stormed into the Garden Grove! One monstrous guy just tossed that weird landlord onto the street like a smelly old diaper, and I heard gunshots and there was screaming and I just hit a bird now and I…

MARTY

Hey hey hey slow down! Alright, where are you now? What are you doing?

NICK

Delivering pizzas!

MARTY

In your car? Ain’t your license suspended?

NICK

No I’m on a bike!

MARTY

Dude, get your dumbass out of there before you get blasted, you idiot!

NICK

Alright, I’m riding over to you guys! Don’t leave!

MARTY

Well, we’re…(click)

KYLE

Who called?

Marty plays off the situation real cool

MARTY

Uh, Nick. He’s picking us up.

KYLE

Phew, that’s good

Marty and Kyle start slowly walking down the sidewalk

MARTY

Hey, uh, did I tell you I’ve been promoted to evening shift manager at Bob’s?

KYLE

Wow! That’s terrific man! I’m proud of you. Looks like things are starting to look up for us huh?

MARTY

Yeah, well, Mr. Trent said I’ve always been on top of things and now the hard work is finally paying off.

KYLE (Smiling)

Aww. C’mere big guy!

Marty and Kyle hug each other

MARTY (Points finger at Kyle)

And hey, no matter which way, how bad, extreme, unpleasant, or treacherous, we are going make it back to the Grove tonight.

Marty and Kyle exchange their special handshake

KYLE

For sho?

MARTY

Fo sh…

A motorcycle noise grows louder. Marty and Kyle look down the street. A bright headlight approaches.

Nick pulls up on a motorcycle that can seat three. It has a small Archie’s Pizza decal on the gas tank. Nick stops the bike and revs the gas twice, and slowly turns his head at Marty and Kyle, with his mouth wide open.

NICK

Gentlemen (flips glasses up), you ready to rock?

INT/EXT. MOTORCYCLE - NIGHT

Nick, Marty, and Kyle are all speeding down the road, heading for the Garden Grove apartments. Marty is under the influence of hallucinogenic drugs.

MARTY (Yelling)

So what went down at the apartment?

NICK

Too much for your weak human ears man!

MARTY

What the heck are you saying?

NICK

I made myself a sausage mushroom pie for dinner before I left Archie’s...but those weren’t the store’s mushrooms!!!

Kyle is on the back of the bike. While Nick and Marty are talking, Kyle opens one of the four pizza boxes strapped to the back of the bike and begins to feast.

MARTY

Are you ok man?

NICK

Stop your worrying Mart, we are about to answer the call of justice!

Marty shakes his head and Nick accelerates down the street.

NICK

By the way, this is for you guys

Nick hands Marty a bag of Es

MARTY

Hey! We don’t need no Cocaine!*

NICK

That’s no cocaine! That’s…

KYLE (Shouts with a mouthful of pizza)

Es?

NICK

Yeah Es! This stuff makes you demented! Here, gimme mooooore!

Nick pretends to reach for the bag of Es, but pulls his hand back. Marty is fooled and quickly pulls the bag away from Nick

MARTY

Woah! No, no, no!

NICK

Ha! I’d never take that dude. It’s not strong enough for me.

Marty rolls his eyes

KYLE (With a mouthful of pizza)

How much is that?

NICK

75 grams exactly!

MARTY

75 grams? That’s the same amount taken by the Gordiolla family!

NICK (Freaking out)

Aggghhh! Leon’s henchmen have been following me around all night!!! But when duty calls, I must face adversity and deliver delicious Archie’s pizzas! (Sings Archie’s commercial jingle) “Archiiiiiie’s, 774-0505!”

MARTY

So what do we need to do?

NICK

They’ve ordered me to have you two personally deliver the drugs to Facelli and his men.

MARTY

Or else they tie cinderblocks to our ankles, take our wallets, and toss us into the river, right?

NICK

No, they’re going to nail you alive to rafts, cut out your tongues, and then toss you into the river.

MARTY (In a sarcastic tone)

Alright cool. This should just be a walk in the park Nick!

The trio speeds off down the road.

EXT. OUTSIDE GARDEN GROVE APARTMENTS – NIGHT

Marty, Kyle, and Nick arrive outside the apartment complex. Facelli’s car is parked outside in front of another motorcycle.

Nick parks the motorcycle across the street, almost crashing into a trash receptacle. Marty spots Facelli standing outside the front doors of the apartment holding a gun inside Mr. Dzebowski’s mouth. Honolulu is holding him still and Wesdubollo holding a shotgun pointed towards Mr. Dzebowski.

FACELLI

I’m gonna ask you for last fuckin’ time! Where the hell are these two losers?

MR. DZEBOWSKI (Muffled speech)

Please...I-I don’t, I haven’t seen them since…mlfmfmf.

FACELLI

Do you know the two things that piss me off the most in the world? Olive Garden and idiots like you!

Facelli clicks the gun and Mr. Dzebowski shrieks

FACELLI

Ciao, stronzo!

MARTY

Hey che cazzo!

Facelli turns around to Marty holding up the bag of Es

MARTY

Special delivery!

WESDUBOLLO

Why did you respond to that boss? He just called you a…

FACELLI

Hey, Dino! Why don’t you scopa tua mamma an givo un bocchino li mortacci tua! DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO FUCKIN’ ANSWER AND NOT ANSWER TO, CAPICHE? I’M NOT A FUCKIN’ MUTT!

Wesdubollo looks down and frowns

Facelli walks down the stoop and approaches Marty, taking the bag of Es from him

FACELLI

Thanks for your help boys. Now go back to your pieta vivos! Men, it’s time to head to Denver!

Facelli and Wesdubollo get into the car, Honolulu hops onto the motorcycle and they speed off down the street bound for Lambert airport.

Mr. Dezbowski immediately runs up to Marty.

MR. DZEBOWSKI

Oh my god, boys…I don’t think I can thank you enough!

MARTY

He-he, no problem Mr. Dzebowski. Hey, I apologize for defacing your car the other day. I know I’d hate it if you did that to me.

MR. DZEBOWSKI

Thank you Marty, that’s big of you. Tell you guys what, forget about paying that fine. I’ll cancel it in the morning.

MARTY

Hey, thank you more!

Mr. Dzebowski and Marty shake hands, and then Mr. Dzebowski heads inside.

Marty, Kyle, and Nick all gather at the bottom of the stoop.

MARTY

Well god dammit! We can finally get some rest, huh Ky? Wanna crash here Nick?

NICK

Actually, there was this girl coming in from Chicago to see me. I think I’m gonna head back to my place.

MARTY

…Nick, get inside.

The three friends head the apartment inside to sleep.

FADE OUT

FADE IN

INT. APARTMENT ROOM – MORNING

Marty wakes up. He takes a shower, gets dressed, eats a pack of Pop-Tarts in his room, drinks a glass of water, brushes his teeth, and meets Kyle and Nick in the living room.

MARTY

Kyle, do you and Nick want to go to the Sensee Café’ and order some pancakes?

KYLE

Ahahaha! Dude I hope that fine-ass redhead is working too!

Everyone laughs

NICK (Trying to hold back laughter)

Guys, I forgot to tell you something last night.

KYLE

What is it?

NICK

That bag I had wasn’t Es…(giggles)…it was fuckin’ baking soda mixed with arts and crafts glitter!

Marty and Kyle look at each other, and then all three burst out laughing.

NICK

Ah, that reminds me. Kyle, here is your glitter back

KYLE (Still laughing)

Oh man…ha-ha…tha, Hey! This stuff isn’t cheap you know.

Marty checks a text he receives on his cell phone

MARTY

Ahhh. Looks like I’m getting the day off boys. Damn, life’s good!

NICK

Today’s an off-day for me as well. What should we do?

KYLE

Guys, I have something to say as well.

Marty and Nick each look at Kyle

KYLE

Ms. Ebeneighber never ordered a birdhouse.

Marty and Nick look confused

KYLE

She wanted a picture frame with fake flowers around it, which I completed last week.

Marty and Nick still look confused. Kyle pulls the glass chimney piece out of his pocket and shows it to Marty and Nick.

KYLE

Step into my office…

Marty, Kyle, and Nick enter Kyle’s room, shut the door, and smoke fills the screen from the bottom.

END