1

Don Zolidis1101 Oliver Loving Cv.

Cedar Park, TX 78613donzolidis@gmail.com

Mutually Assured Destruction

10 plays about Brothers and Sisters

By Don Zolidis

2

Cast of Characters

1. JULIANTARA

2. JOESAM

3. MEGANAPRIL

4. CHAD RACHEL

5. CAROLTIM

6. ANDREAJESSICA

7. RICHARDMARY

8. JIMMYCHARLIE

9. JOHNNYMAGGIE

10. EVELYNVIRGINIA

3

Scenes

1. 2015 – Mutually Assured Destruction2. 2002 – 15 Minutes of Clown Fame3. 1993 - Inspiration4. 1985 – Your Fault5. 1977 – A New Hope6. 1968 – Coming Home 7. 1955 – Lassoing an Angel8. 1944 – A love letter to Ma9. 1936 – A Star is almost Born10. 1922 – Very, Very Cold Feet

Setting: A living room. You may wish to change furniture in between scenes, but it’s not necessary.

4

1. 2015. Mutually Assured Destruction

(The living room. JULIAN is playing a video game. He has a headset on and is talking into it.)

JULIAN, 15TARA, 17

JULIANOh I’m coming for you, Anu. You and all your little friends. I speak with the voice of the great warrior kings of – oh come on! Oh come on not fair! Whoah. Whoah. Time out. I thought we agreed there were no snipers! Well we said it! I said it!

(TARA enters, enraged.)

TARAHey.

(JULIAN holds up his hand to tell her to wait a second.)Hey. HEY AGAIN.

JULIANOne moment please.

(TARA rips the power cord out of the television.)Whoah!

TARAI need to talk to you, dorkface.

JULIANDorkface? Dorkface? That’s a nice way to begin/ a conversation –

TARADid you comment on James’ Instagram?

JULIANWhat?

TARADID YOU COMMENT ON JAMES’ INSTAGRAM!

JULIANWhat are you talking about? I don’t even know who you’re talking about –

TARAJames. James. You know James. The guy who I’m in love with.

5

JULIANOh yes. Now it is ringing a bell.

TARADid you comment on his feed?

JULIANI may have said something. Possibly. But then I deleted it.

TARAWhat did you say?

JULIANI don’t remember. I erased it from my mind

TARAWhat did you say?

JULIANI’m not sure I like this new rage thing you’ve got going on.

TARAIt’s going to get worse if you don’t tell me what you said.

JULIANI made a comment and then I erased it.

TARAYou will die a thousand deaths!

JULIANWhat?

TARAWhat did you say?

JULIANI don’t remember! Maybe, okay – maybe I said something like how my sister would really like to see him in bike shorts.

TARAWhat?

JULIANHe had a picture of his bike –

6

TARABike shorts?!

JULIANYeah, you know –

TARAI don’t want to see him in bike shorts! I don’t want to see anyone in bike shorts!

JULIANThat’s why I erased it.

TARAWHY WOULD YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT!

JULIANJust sort of an impulse.

TARAYou’re dead. You are dead. I am going to pour acid on you in your sleep. I am going to fill your underwear drawer with snakes.

JULIANDon’t you think you’re overreacting –

TARANo I’m not –

(She takes out her smartphone.)

JULIANWhat are you doing?

TARAI’m going to comment on Samantha’s Instagram.

JULIANWhat?

TARAYep. Oh it’s going on right now.

(She takes a picture of JULIAN.)This is a picture of the dork that is in love with you.

JULIANYou can’t do that!

7

TARAI’m going to upload it right now.

(JULIAN takes out his own phone.)

JULIANStop right there.

TARAWhat are you gonna do?

JULIANYou want me to hit record? I’ll just start uploading this whole thing right now.

TARAI’m not scared of you.

(JULIAN hits record.)

JULIANDear James – welcome to your own private tour of Tara’s life.

TARAUploading photo now.

JULIANThis is my sister, who is in love with you.

TARAWould you turn that thing off?

JULIANShe’s also full of rage.

TARATurn the dang thing off!

JULIANYou are wise to steer clear of her, as she has been known to make disgusting smells in the bathroom.

TARAWhat!

JULIANLet’s go check out her room.

(TARA runs to get in his way, holding up her phone in defense. She begins recording JULIAN.)

8

TARASamantha – behold the creature that is my brother in his natural habitat. He is foul –

JULIANI bet she left her underwear on the floor again, let’s go find out. You might think she has attractive underwear, but you would be horribly, horribly wrong.

TARAHe eats his boogers!

JULIANI do not!

TARAI’ve seen him do it! I’ve seen him do it! He’s going to deny it, but he still does it!

JULIANLies! My sister is a fountain of lies!

TARAI’ve seen him pee in a jar!

JULIANWhat!

TARAOne time you were playing video games for like a hundred hours in a row and you peed in a jar!

JULIANThat’s preposterous!

TARAIt was like four in the morning and you thought no one was looking –

JULIANWhat are you doing looking at me at four in the morning?

TARAWhy are you peeing in jar?

JULIANWhy are you watching me pee in a jar?!

TARASo you admit it!

9

JULIANIt was a very important moment in the game! You just can’t leave the game!

TARAA ha! Samantha, if you think that –

JULIANJames you should know she wears a girdle.

TARAThose are Spanx!

JULIANAlso, she totally made out with Christian Demarco like last week.

TARAThat was an accident!

JULIANUh huh.

TARALet’s go look at Julian’s underwear drawer, shall we?

JULIANNo! No stop!

TARAToo late!

(TARA and JULIAN rush to block each other from getting out of the room, phones in one hand.)

JULIANSTOP! STOP! THIS IS CRAZY!

(TARA stops, still holding her phone.)You press pause I’ll press pause.

TARAIt’s a trick.

JULIANIt’s not a trick. Press pause. One… two… three…

(They both press pause simultaneously.)Now let’s talk this out.

10

TARADelete your video first, then I’ll talk.

JULIANNo way. You delete your video first.

TARANever.

JULIANAll right look. We don’t need to destroy each other.

TARAWe don’t?

JULIANHear me out.

TARAI’m listening.

JULIANI give you the password to my twitter account –

TARAWho cares? You have like six followers –

JULIANListen to me… and… you give me the password to your twitter. And then… if anyone does anything – swift and total revenge. It’ll be just like the Cold War.

TARAMutually assured Destruction.

JULIANYep.

(Pause.)

TARAOkay.

JULIANI’m going to write my password down on this piece of paper. You write yours down and we trade them. Slowly.

TARA

11

Okay. (They write their passwords down.)

JULIANOne. Two. Three.

(They hand over each other’s password.)

JULIANYour password is one two three password?

TARAWhat? Oh and “I love Samantha question mark” is so awesome?

JULIANYou couldn’t guess it. 123password is like the easiest password in the world.

TARAWhy is there a question mark? Are you like, posing the question to yourself or something? And by the way, I didn’t want to say this earlier, but she is wayyyy out of your league.

JULIANLike you have a shot with James.

TARAI do have a shot with James. He’s madly in love with me.

JULIANHe’s madly in love with his own abs, which is why he posts pictures of them so many times a day. Like, dude, we saw them yesterday, you don’t need to post them again. They’re the same freaking muscles.

TARAAt least he’s hot. Samantha has like spiders in her hair.

JULIANShe’s got her own style!

TARACreepy vampire girl is not a style, it’s a mental problem.

JULIANShe’s original!

TARAShe’s probably dating a thirty-year old tattoo artist named Weasel!

12

JULIANThat’s it! I’m posting the video!

TARAYou wouldn’t dare!

(He posts the video)

JULIANDone!

(She posts her own video.)

TARAI posted yours too!

(Pause. They both look at their phones.)

JULIANSo that wasn’t good.

TARAYeah.

JULIANSo when we like someone again…

TARAYeah… no telling.

JULIANOkay.

TARAYou should probably get a new twitter account by the way.

JULIANYeah.

(Lights change.)

II. 2002. Fifteen Minutes of Clown Fame

JOE, 18SAM, 20(JOE is at a computer.)

JOEGonna fire up the ol’ MySpace… Yeah, baby. When this loads, I’m gonna be connected to all my friends. Here we go.

13

(Crashing, beeping, popping noise of a dial-up modem.)I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of that sound.

(SAM enters, dressed in a full clown costume, with makeup and everything. He walks through the room, terribly distraught, then exits. Perhaps slams a door.)

Hey Sam? Sam? Sam you okay?

SAM (off-stage)I don’t want to talk about it!

JOEWhat was that about Sam?

SAM (off-stage)I said I don’t want to talk about it!

JOEAll right.

(JOE gets back to his computer.)(SAM returns momentarily, with cordless phone.)

SAMCan you please get off the internet, I need to use the phone.

JOENo way. I’ve been waiting all day for this – I’m not gonna – what the heck is going on with you?

SAMToday was my audition.

JOEWhat audition?

SAMYou never pay attention to me!

(SAM turns and starts to storm out.)

JOEDude. What are you talking about?

SAMMy American Idol audition.

JOEOh. You’re um… you’re dressed like a clown.

SAM

14

Oh am I? Am I really? How amazingly observant of you! For your information, okay, this is to STAND OUT. I’m just an ordinary guy, but in this outfit, I am memorable.

JOEUh-huh. Did you do any clown type stuff?

SAMNo I didn’t do any clown type stuff! It’s a singing competition! Okay? I sang in a clown costume, why is this so hard for you to understand?!

JOEI just don’t get –

SAMSO I WOULD BE NOTICED!

JOEWell how did it go?

SAMEh.

JOEHow did it go?

SAMI’m not gonna let my dream die, I can tell you that much.

JOESo it didn’t go well?

SAMI didn’t say it didn’t go well. It went amazing. Some people are just not ready for me, that’s all.

JOEOh.

SAMSo if you don’t mind – get off MySpace and let me use the phone.

JOEWho are you calling?

SAMNone of your business! Get off the computer!

15

JOEAre you calling a clown college?

SAMOh this is funny to you? This is really funny to you, isn’t it?

JOEYou are dressed like a clown.

SAMSome clowns are serious, okay? And some clowns cry. And some other clowns blow away the competition with their amazing singing. I am the last kind of clown. In fact, I’m not even a clown, I’m masquerading as a clown.

JOESo did it work?

SAMWhat work?

JOEBeing a clown?

SAMI worry about you, Joe. I really do. Sometimes I think my little brother has some brains – but then you come out with a comment like that.

JOEI’m just saying I wouldn’t have dressed like a clown –

SAMOh really? Well what do you suggest Mr. Expert-at-getting-on-American Idol? Should I have been in a Shark Costume? How the heck am I supposed to sing in a Shark Costume?! There would be teeth right in front of my face! Have you thought that through?

JOEMaybe just go as yourself.

SAMThis is why you’re not a star.

JOEOkay.

SAMWell you’re not.

16

JOEI know that.

SAMAnd I’m going to be.

JOEGreat. Have fun. I’m still not getting off MySpace.

SAMYou don’t think I’m going to be a star?

JOEI didn’t say that.

SAMWell?

JOEWhat?

SAMDo you think I’m going to be a star?

JOEI don’t really know. What did the judges say?

SAMThey were cruel. There were very… there is a lot of boiling resentment in that room, you know? Like, they see talent, and right – so okay I had to sign a thing where I couldn’t discuss the results until they air the show, but… so there’s three of them, right? This horribly cruel British guy who’s like – he’s a like robot, you know? He’s like an evil robot? And then there’s another guy and Paula Abdul.

JOEPaula Abdul?

SAMYeah well she’s not all that nice anymore. Anyway, so I do my thing – and I nail it, right? Just – like… I haven’t even sung like that in the shower, you know? It’s like spectacular. I don’t even think there’s a word describing how awesome I was.

JOEWow.

17

SAMYeah wow.

JOEI guess the clown makeup gave you a greater resonance or something.

SAMSure. I think that’s it. Anyway, so I nail it. Perfection. The guy says it’s “pitchy.” I’m like, what? Pitchy? I don’t even know what the heck pitchy means. Like it’s got pitch in it? Of course it’s got pitch in it it’s a SONG! DON’T YOU KNOW WHAT A SONG IS?!

JOESam –

SAMNot even the worst of it. British Evil Robot – he’s like a Bond Villain – he goes, `I’m not even sure I’d call that singing. That was more like bleating.’ I don’t even know what bleating is.

JOEIt’s the sound a goat makes. Like Baaaa –

SAMI know what bleating is!

JOEYou just said you didn’t know what bleating was.

SAMI was being expressive, Joe. I was being expressive. And by the way, thank you very much for your sympathy – NOT. A good brother would support his brother – I’M IN A FRAGILE EMOTIONAL STATE RIGHT NOW.

JOESorry.

SAMFirst of all, you don’t go out and tell someone they’re bleating – that’s wrong, that’s morally wrong, that’s like a major sin in all the major religions – and second of all, who made you king of the world? Right? Like who are you to be sitting up there?

JOEAren’t they like record producers with a track record of producing hits?

SAMWhy are you taking their side?

18

JOEI’m not taking their side.

SAMThat was an unsupportive comment right there.

JOESam… I hate to break this to you, but… you’re an awful singer. You really are.

SAMWhat?

JOEI mean seriously. You are really really terrible at singing.

SAMI don’t understand.

JOEThere are some people who are good at singing, but you are not one of them.

SAMOh I see. You’re jealous of my dream.

JOEYou should give up on your dream. Get a new dream.

SAMYou’re just jealous because your dream is to grow up to be an exterminator or whatever.

JOEComputer programmer.

SAMWhatever! What kind of dream is that!? That’s a stupid dream –

JOEI have some hope of achieving that dream –

SAMSo what? Will that get you on TV?

JOEI don’t want to be on TV.

SAM

19

BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO SOUL.

JOESam.

SAMYou have betrayed me! You’ve betrayed me!

JOEStop singing! Never sing again!

SAMNo one can stop me! You’re just making my inspirational story all the more inspirational right now. `They were all against him. They all told him he couldn’t sing. But he wouldn’t listen.”

JOEGive up! Give up your dream!

SAMAnd then cut to me in slow-motion walking. Towards the camera.

JOEThere’s no camera, Sam. There’s no camera here!

SAMThere could be.

JOEThere isn’t.

SAMThe bright lights come on. Blinding. He looks out at the crowd.

JOESam, listen to me. Please.

SAMCue the dramatic music.

JOEIt’s just us – you’re not actually –

SAMHold on.

(SAM starts dramatic music.)This is where it gets awesome.

20

(He takes something to be a microphone.)(He starts singing - )(It is not good. He finishes something. Stares about as if he’s just “nailed it.”)(Mic drop. Or whatever is filling in for the mic.)

JOEWow.

SAMYeah. Yeah. That’s what I’m talking about.

JOEIt was pitchy.

SAMIt was?

JOEReally really bad. Like some kind of animal.

SAMOh.

JOEIn heat. Also dying. Probably it’s been hit by a car and these are its last dying sounds.

SAMOh.

JOEI mean, can’t you hear yourself?

SAMI always figured it sounds different to other people.

JOENo. It sounds the same.

SAMOh. I thought it was good.

JOENo. It was the opposite of that.

SAMSo I guess my inner demons have been correct all along.

21

JOEWhat?

SAMYou know that inner voice that says, “you suck, you’re no good at anything. Everyone hates you. Stop singing.” It just does that on repeat? That voice. That voice was right.

JOEWell it wasn’t that bad -

SAMAll this time I’ve been living a lie –

JOEI don’t know that –

SAMI mean, look at me, man! I’m a freaking clown and I can’t sing!

JOEThere are people that are probably worse than you. Like those Neanderthals that get unfrozen or whatever – they’re probably worse singers.

SAMI’m horrible.

(He turns on JOE)Why didn’t you tell me before?

JOEWhat?

SAMYou never told me I was awful before!

JOEI just did.

SAMAfter I went on American Idol and made a fool of myself!

JOEI didn’t want to hurt your feelings –

SAMGood job, Joe! Now I’ve dressed up like a clown and sounded like a goat in front of 25 million people! Good thing my feelings weren’t hurt! Why didn’t you stop me!

22

JOEYou said you were unstoppable! You literally used that word!

SAMYou betrayed me!

JOENo I didn’t!

SAMOh man I’m hyperventilating now! My life is a joke!

JOEGood thing you’re dressed like a clown.

SAMOh now you’re really funny. Now you’re making jokes! You couldn’t possibly have mentioned to me in passing, by the way Sam – you can’t sing, please adjust your dream accordingly.

JOEYou just did that whole movie thing with `he didn’t listen to the critics’.

SAMSometimes you need to listen to the critics!

JOEThat’s my whole point!

(SAM breaks down.)Hey man. Hey. Hey. It’s all right. Some people aren’t singers.

(JOE pats SAM on the back.)

SAMI’m okay.

JOEYou sure?

SAMI’ll just have to get a new dream. Maybe I’ll play in the NBA or something.

JOEI don’t know if that’s going to work either.

SAMWell you’re just an explosion of realism today, aren’t you?

23

JOEWell, I mean – you just have to have skills to play in the NBA –

SAMI could develop those skills.

JOESam. How about being a veterinarian or something? You like cats.

SAMI know. I’ll be a computer programmer.

JOEThat’s my dream.

SAMYeah, I know, it’s realistic.

JOEYou can’t just take my dream.

SAMSorry I didn’t realize you owned that.

JOEHow about a flight attendant? That’s a nice job.

SAMWait a minute.

JOEWhat?

SAMMom and Dad.

JOEWhat about them?

SAMI’m gonna have to break the news to them.

JOEAbout what?

24

SAMThat I can’t sing. They’ve been telling me I’m awesome since birth. Oh jeez. Ohhh… this is going to crush them. They’re really invested in me.

JOEYeah.

SAMThey’ll probably cry a lot. Some people just can’t handle the truth.

(Lights down.)

III. 1993. Inspiration

(MEGAN is at a desk by herself, with a college application.)

(She writes something.)

MEGAN, 17APRIL, 16

MEGANNo.

(She crosses it off.)(She gets up, paces back and forth, then comes back and sits down quickly.)(She’s about to write something, then tears at her hair and puts her head on the table.)

Okay. I can do this. I can do this. (She’s about to write something.)

Aarrrrrrrrgh. (She bangs her head against the table.)

Ow. Okay. I can do this. It’s not that hard. (APRIL enters upstage, unconcerned about her sister. She throws her bookbag down and finds a remote control.)

Do you mind?

APRILWhat?

MEGANI’m working here.

APRILOkay.

(APRIL turns on the television.)

25

MEGANCan you not do that?

APRIL90210 is on.

MEGANPut in a tape and record it.

APRIL 90210 is on right now.

MEGANI heard you the first time and I’m telling you that I’m working out here.

APRILWork in our room.

MEGANThere’s no room in our room. Your stuff is everywhere.

APRIL Move it.

MEGANApril – turn off the TV!

APRILFine! Fine! That’s what you want!

MEGANYes.

(APRIL turns off the TV.)Thank you.

(MEGAN goes back to looking at her paper. Tearing at her hair.)(APRIL stares forward on the couch.)(She takes a deep breath. MEGAN does not notice.)(APRIL takes another deep breath.)

APRILSigh. I suppose that annoys you. My breathing.

MEGANNope.

APRIL

26

Okay. I’ll just sit here breathing and staring into space then.

MEGANWhy don’t you read a book?

APRILEw. No.

MEGANOkay then.

APRILI’ll just stare into space, breathe, and be bored. Since that’s what you want me for me.

MEGANI need to work on this.

APRILWhat is it?

MEGANMy college application essay.

APRILOh. How’s it going?

MEGANIt’s the worst thing ever.

(APRIL comes over.)

APRILWhat’s the question?

MEGAN`What inspires you.’

APRILOh man.

MEGANYeah.

(APRIL picks up a crumpled up rough draft. She reads it in a sing-song voice.)

APRIL

27

`Inspiration can come from many places.’ Ooh that’s deep. That’s really deep. I bet the people reading this will be like, `wow, that’s amazing. Really? Many places. I never thought of that before.’

MEGANI didn’t say it was good.

APRIL `For example, some may have been inspired by the American Revolution. Others may have been inspired by a family member.’ Oh this is really great here. This is like the most awesome admissions essay ever.

MEGANWould you shut up?

APRIL `Still others may have been inspired by an actor or action hero, such as Chuck Norris.’

MEGANI didn’t say it was good.

APRILChuck Norris?

MEGANShut up. He’s all I could think of.

APRILAll right look. This is awful.

MEGANI know that!

APRIL`For me personally’ – First of all, this is a stupid way to begin a sentence. For me, personally. Like, who else does that relate to?

MEGANLike you’re an English teacher or something –

APRILI haven’t gotten a B in English since like the beginning of time, okay? `For me, personally, I am inspired by my grandfather, who was a humble coal miner.’ He’s a humble coal miner?

MEGANShut up.

28

APRILLike, what’s the alternative? An arrogant coal miner? Like – the Muhammad Ali of coal miners? `I am the greatest coal miner ever! Y’all are going down!’ Plus, Grandpa is like a total jerk.

MEGANI know that.

APRILHow are you inspired by a total jerk?

MEGANI’m not using that essay!

APRILBut this is like a total lie.

MEGANThat’s they want. They want lies.

APRILNo they don’t.

MEGANSo you’re the expert on college admissions?

APRILLook, these guys are getting like ten million essays from people lying, right? Like stupidly lying. I love people. I work hard at school. I want to be the first woman astronaut. Whatever.

MEGANThere’s already been a woman astronaut –

APRILNot my point. My point is you should tell like the total truth. About your inspiration. That way you’ll stand out.

MEGANThat’s crazy.

APRILIt will totally work.

MEGANHow do you know?

29

APRILWhat’s the alternative?

MEGANThat it doesn’t work, I don’t get into college, and I work in McDonald’s for the rest of my life?

APRILOkay. That’s probably not so bad. Put that in the essay.

MEGANWhat?

APRILWhat inspires you. Fear. Fear inspires me.

MEGANDear Admissions Officer: What inspires me? Simple. Fear. Blind, gaping, senseless fear. That’s right. I’m afraid I’ll be working at McDonald’s for the rest of my life if I don’t get into college.

APRIL

Ooh I like that. Go farther.

MEGANAnd if I work at McDonald’s I’ll probably end up dating the assistant manager, some pimply twenty year old guy named Chip or Slugger –

APRILHe’s got a goatee.

MEGANYeah he does! And he wears a baseball cap backwards!

APRILWhat do you see in him?

MEGANI work at McDonald’s I don’t have any choices! Not only that, then he proposes to me when he’s twenty-one!

APRILNo!

MEGANRight in the sea of balls! He gets down on his knees when we’re cleaning one night – it smells horrible – there’s like a toddler that’s been lost in there for six hours – and Chip or Slugger or whatever his name is proposes!

30

APRILWhat do you say?

MEGANI say yes! I’m an idiot because I didn’t go to college!

APRILI bet you have Chex Mix at the wedding!

MEGANWe do! And he wears his baseball cap!

APRILNo!

MEGANAnd then I start having babies!

APRILLike a million of them because you don’t know any better!

MEGANBecause Chip is getting distant now! All he cares about is baseball on television so I start trying to fill the hole in my life by having babies!

APRILThat’s a terrible idea!

MEGANWhat else am I going to do? And then Chip or Slugger starts drinking at work and the kids grow up and they don’t even like me any more and then I start getting more and more dogs because I think the dogs will love me, but the dogs don’t love me, they’re just using me for kibble – THEY’RE USING ME FOR KIBBLE and when they find me dead on the floor from lung cancer at age 48 because I’ve been smoking four packs a day no one even bothers to show up at my funeral! And Chip doesn’t even bother to get the expensive headstone.

(short pause)So that’s my inspiration.

(Lights down.)

IV. 1985. Your Fault

CHAD, 14

31

RACHEL, 16

(Late at night. RACHEL enters, in pajamas. Her hair is a mess.)(CHAD enters quietly.)(RACHEL shushes him.)

CHADI didn’t say anything.

RACHELShush!

CHADYou’re the one making noise!

RACHELShut up!

CHADFine.

(short pause)Is Dad still here?

RACHELHe left.

CHADThen what am I being quiet for?

RACHELI’m listening for Mom, shut up.

CHADIs she still up?

RACHELI don’t know, I’m trying to figure that out.

(Pause.)

CHADShe’s asleep.

RACHELShe’s probably asleep.

CHAD

32

She’s definitely asleep. I can hear her snoring.

RACHELYou would say that.

CHADWhat does that mean?

RACHELYou’re taking Dad’s side.

CHADI just said she snores, how is that taking Dad’s side?

RACHELIt just is. I see how things are going. They’re going to split us up. Boys on one side, girls on the other.

CHADThey are not. We’re both going with Mom.

RACHELI don’t know.

CHADThey are. Do you see us surviving with Dad in charge?

RACHELGood point. This is all your fault, by the way.

CHADWhat is?

RACHELThe divorce, idiot. What the heck do you think we’re talking about?

CHADI know we’re /talking about –

RACHELIt’s your fault they’re getting divorced.

CHADNo it’s not.

RACHEL

33

Think about it: Remember that time you made them that anniversary dinner? Your beef stroganoff, you remember that?

CHADYes I remember that –

RACHELYour beef stroganoff? Dad had to have his stomach pumped.

CHADThat brought them closer together. The pain.

RACHELHe was never the same after that.

CHADOh come on –

RACHELHe wasn’t – he was a broken shell of a man after your dinner. You know it’s true! He used to, like, run places, and jump up and down – and then after that night he was a broken, broken man. Because of your stroganoff!

CHADHe was already on a downward spiral before my dinner.

RACHELWell you pushed him over the edge!

CHADNo it wasn’t! It was your valentine’s card from the year before! That’s what poisoned their love!

RACHELYou’re one to talk about poison you stroganoff murderer.

CHADHappy Valentine’s Day Mom! P.S. If I don’t get what I want for my birthday, I can make life very difficult for you.

RACHELSo?

CHADThat’s a threat! You were threatening Mom!

RACHEL

34

I don’t see what that has to do with breaking them up.

CHADBecause it destroyed Mom’s fantasy that she had nice kids, that’s why!

RACHELIf anything, that would push Mom and Dad closer together because they would need to provide a united front against us.

CHADBut it didn’t!

RACHELAnd I think she was quite aware of that fact that we weren’t nice kids after Babysitting Event numbers one, two, three, four, and five.

CHADNone of those were my fault!

RACHELAll of those were your fault!

CHADI can’t help if it Dad hires dangerous criminals to babysit us!

RACHELThey weren’t dangerous criminals! They were normal high school kids.

CHADWell I don’t know that. They were waiting until I was unconscious –

RACHELHow are Mom and Dad supposed to go on dates when you keep dialing 911 when we get a babysitter?

CHADIt was an emergency.

RACHELNo it wasn’t! They couldn’t have a single nice dinner because the police were always storming our house and hauling away babysitters.

CHADI stand by those actions. Those babysitters were sketchy. Yeah, well what about your presentation to Mom?

35

RACHELThat wasn’t a presentation – I had to write a persuasive paper for school, moron. You’d know that if you actually spent any time doing work for classes, which is probably what split Mom and Dad up – they’re ashamed of your failures and are trying to escape. You’ll probably be sent to an orphanage for underachievers.

CHADThere’s no orphanage for underachievers!

RACHELI’m pretty sure there is one – when one kid fails so much and parents pretend they’re not related. How are Mom and Dad supposed to live their lives through us if you fail so much!

CHADYou did the presentation!

RACHELIt was a persuasive paper!

CHADOn how Mom could do better than Dad!

RACHELI had to be persuasive!

CHADI guess you were successful then, weren’t you?

RACHELHow would you know? You’ve never been successful at anything your whole life!

CHADWell you were successful at breaking up our parents!

RACHELI was just making a case for an upgrade at father, that’s all.

CHADHow is this not your fault then?!

RACHELWhat about the time you sent Dad on a blind date with the Choir Teacher!

CHADShe’s nice!

36

RACHELSo’s Mom!

CHADWhat about the time you called and pretended to be Dad’s other wife!

RACHELYou planted evidence framing Mom for white collar crimes!

CHADI hope you’re happy!

RACHELI hope you’re happy!

CHADI’m not!

RACHELNeither am I!

(Pause.)You know, I’m beginning think this might be both of our fault.

CHADYeah. A little bit.

RACHELMaybe we shouldn’t have done those things.

CHADYeah. I probably shouldn’t have called the police all those times.

RACHELAnd I shouldn’t have dropped hints that Dad had four wives in four different countries.

CHADAnd I shouldn’t have suggested that Mom had changed her identity and was a wanted fugitive in Guatemala.

RACHELThat probably put a strain on their marriage.

CHADIt couldn’t have been easy to raise us.

RACHEL

37

It’s not their fault we turned out so lousy.

CHADWell, it probably is.

RACHELYeah that’s true. But still – we made a few mistakes.

CHADI feel bad.

RACHELMe too.

CHADMaybe we should – maybe we should get them back together.

RACHELYeah.

CHADYeah.

RACHELI could tell Mom that I made up the other wives.

CHADThat would help. And I could admit that I planted the evidence.

RACHELYeah.

CHADYou think that’s enough?

RACHELNo.

CHADOh. I know. What if we wrote a song?

RACHELWhat?

CHAD

38

Like a – love is good song. And then we sang it for them. And it would inspire them to get back together. Ooh ooh I know! What if we changed the lyrics to that If you like Pina Coladas song!

RACHELWhat song?

CHADThe Pina Coladas song! The Pina Coladas song you idiot!

RACHELI don’t know any Pina Coladas song.

CHAD (singing)If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain

RACHELIt sounds horrible.

CHADNot when the guy sings it –

RACHELBut why would that matter?

CHADBecause it’s about a blind date, they both go on a blind date, and it turns out they’re going on a blind date with each other! Surprise!

RACHELWell now you’ve ruined the song for me!

CHADYou’ve heard it before!

RACHELOh so you’re in my brain now? You know what I’ve heard and what I haven’t heard – I didn’t realize you shrank to the size of an art and were LIVING INSIDE MY EAR!

CHADI HATE YOU!

RACHELI HATE YOU MORE!

CHADStop! We have to work together here!

39

RACHELI don’t know that I can do it.

CHADTry. Forget the Pina Coladas song.

RACHELGood. It sounds horrible. And you ruined it.

CHADWe’ll do something else.

RACHELI could make them a don’t get divorced card. With no threats in it at all.

CHADI could cook dinner.

RACHELNo.

CHADYou’re right.

RACHELOr – we could promise to be well-behaved kids.

CHADThat’s it!

RACHELMom – Dad, from now on, we will stop trying to ruin your marriage.

CHADI will try in school.

RACHELWe will be so happy if you stay together.

CHADYes.

RACHELWe can do it. I love you, Chad.

40

CHADI love you, Rachel.

(They hug.)

RACHELOh also – we say, I promise you – if you get divorced… we will be so much worse.

CHADOh that’s good.

(Lights down.)

V. 1977 – A New Hope

(No one is on-stage.)

(CAROL, of stage, shouting.)

CAROL (off-stage)Are you ready yet?

(TIM from the opposite side off)

TIM (off-stage)No!

CAROL (off-stage)You better be getting ready!

TIM (off-stage)Quit telling me what to do, Carol!

CAROL (off-stage)I’m not going to be late!

TIM (off-stage)Don’t worry about it!

(CAROL enters. She is dressed to resemble Luke Skywalker, but has the bun-hair of Princess Leia.)

CAROLTim! Come on! Come on come on come on come on!

(TIM saunters in, with hairbrush. He checks his hair in the mirror. Brushes it.)What are you doing? Come on!

TIMHold on.

41

(He brushes his hair some more.)

CAROLAre you kidding me right now? Are you kidding me with this? The movie starts at 7:15! Seven Fifteeen!

TIMI have to maintain a certain look, man.

CAROLYou look horrible. You look like death. Come on!

(TIM finishes with the hairbrush.)(Sniffs his armpits.)

No one cares, Tim! This is Star Wars! This is the greatest event of my life!

TIMYou need a new life.

(TIM gets an aerosol bottle of deodorant and spray himself down.)

CAROLSeriously? This is what you’re doing right now? WE MUST LEAVE.

TIMYou don’t care if you smell –

CAROLI don’t smell –

TIMBut I do. There might be babes there.

CAROLThere aren’t. There’s no chance of you meeting a babe.

(TIM gets his cologne.)What? What is that?

TIMMy scent.

CAROLAw no.

TIMDrives ladies wild.

(He tosses a cloud of cologne into the air, and then ducks underneath it, wafting it over himself.)

42

CAROLIt drives them wild, really? Is this your actual experience with it? Does it like damage their brain cells or something?

TIMIt reduces them to a primal state. Pheromones.

CAROLThere are no pheromones in Star Wars!

TIMThat’s where you’re wrong, man. I’m telling you –

(TIM turns to look at CAROL)

CAROLStop looking at me let’s go!

TIMWhoah whoah little sis. What are you wearing?

CAROLClothes! Let’s go!

TIMFirst of all, isn’t that a dude’s outfit and a chick’s hair?

CAROLI didn’t like the Leia outfit –

TIMI’m not going.

CAROLWhat?

TIMYou’re not getting in my car looking like that.

CAROLAre you kidding me?

TIMMy car has an aura it needs to project. You are outside that aura.

CAROL

43

You told Mom you were going to take me!

TIMYou’ve already seen the movie like three times –

CAROLBut this is the fourth time!

TIMSomeone has to take a stand for coolness. It’s not okay to be a nerd, Carol.

CAROLYou told Mom you were going to take me! You said – don’t worry about, I’ll take Carol to see Star Wars.

TIMWell, I changed my mind. Unless you change your outfit.

CAROLNo!

TIMHave fun walking. Maybe you can ride your bike there. Maybe you can call up some of your nerdy friends and their Mommies can give you a ride.

CAROLTim.

TIMSorry. You are failing to understand, man. I drive a Corvette. It would spontaneously combust if you sat in it looking like that.

CAROLTim. You will take me to Star Wars.

TIMWhat are you doing?

CAROLJedi mind-trick. You will take me to Star Wars.

TIMNot when you’re wearing that.

CAROLI’m not changing!

44

TIMI’m not going!

(They stare at each other, rage building in CAROL.)

CAROLTim. I’m going to talk slowly now. So your tiny brain can understand me.

TIMI’m not going, Carol.

CAROLI will burn down your life if you go back on this now. You think I can’t do it? You think I can’t tell Mom and Dad about the party you had when they were in the Bahamas? You think I can’t explain to them how all the chairs got broken in the basement? You think I can’t tell them about the party you had last summer when Dad was at work?

TIMYou wouldn’t dare.

CAROLOr how about the party you had two weeks ago when they were sleeping upstairs? Or the party you had when Dad was visiting Grandma in the hospital?

TIMYou don’t want to do that, Carol.

CAROLDon’t I? You don’t think I took pictures of you and your friends at each and every one of those parties? How would you like it if I released them one at a time, over a series of weeks, to prolong your punishment as much as possible?

(short pause)Are you ready to go?

TIMI want the negatives.

CAROLGet me to Star Wars in ten minutes and you can have them.

TIMDeal.

CAROLWoo!

(CAROL runs for the door.)

45

Let’s go let’s go let’s go!

TIMWait.

CAROLWhat?

TIMWhere are my keys?

CAROLWhat?

TIMDo you have my keys?

CAROLWhy would I have your keys?

TIMHave you seen them?

CAROLNo! Tim! Don’t do this to me. Don’t do this to me, Tim.

TIMI don’t know where they are!

CAROLWhere did you leave them?

TIMIf I know where I left them, I’d know where they are! Don’t ask stupid questions!

CAROLI’m stupid? I’m the stupid one! You don’t have your stupid keys for your stupid car!

TIMMy car’s not stupid it’s boss! It’s a corvette it is the most awesome machine ever created!

CAROLShut up and look!

(TIM and CAROL begin frantically searching the set for his keys.)

TIM

46

Did you find them?

CAROLDo you think I would say something if I found them? Do you think maybe a sound would come out of my mouth if I find your keys? Maybe? Maybe is that a possibility?

TIMQuit complaining and keep looking!

CAROLI can complain and look at the same time! I can do two things at once! I’m amazing.

TIMYou’re an amazing nerd in –

CAROLKeep talking Tim and those photos are going to Mom.

TIMWhere are they? Where did I put them?

CAROLDo you expect an answer to that question! Retrace your steps!

TIMFrom when?

CAROLFrom when you last had your keys!

TIMOh.

(He heads off-stage)(CAROL keeps searching frantically.)(TIM comes back.)

Shoot.

CAROLWhat?

TIMWe have a problem.

CAROLWhat? Speak!

47

TIMThey’re in the car.

CAROLOkay, great –

TIMThe car’s locked.

CAROLWhat did you say?

TIMThey’re locked in the car.

CAROLThe car’s in our garage! Why would the car be locked?

TIMSo you can’t get it into it.

CAROLWell you’ve succeeded, congratulations!

TIMThey’re playing the movie tomorrow right –

CAROLI’m going tonight!

TIMNot in my car, you’re not. I have to wait for –

CAROLI told you that if you didn’t get me –

TIMAre you kidding me? Whoah. You can’t just –

CAROLI’m telling Mom and Dad everything! I’m sending the pictures! You’re doomed. Your life is about to be burned to ashes! I will see you reduced to cinders before I’m done!

TIMCarol, it’s not my fault!

48

CAROLOh really Mr.-I-lock-my-car-in-my-own-garage to keep my little sister from getting into it for no apparent reason because I WOULD NEVER WANT TO BE IN YOUR STUPID CAR IN THE FIRST PLACE!

TIMIT’S NOT STUPID, IT’S BOSS!

CAROLI DON’T KNOW WHAT BOSS MEANS!

TIMBECAUSE YOU’RE A NERD!

CAROLOkay. I have a solution. I have a solution.

(She starts heading off.)

TIMWhat are you doing?

CAROLI’m getting a hammer.

TIMWhat?

CAROLI’m getting a hammer, Tim! It’s a common object! You probably learned about it when you were two!

TIMWhat do you need a hammer for?

(CAROL is off-stage.)What do you need a hammer for? Carol! What do you need a hammer for! Wait! Stop! Stop!

(Glass breaking off-stage.)(TIM stands there, stunned.)(CAROL returns, holding hammer.)

CAROLOkay. We can go.

(Pause.)

TIMI just remembered I have a spare set of keys in my dresser.

(TIM holds up spare keys.)

49

CAROLOh. I may have made a mistake then. Whoops.

TIMDid you break my window?

CAROLSo we’re still going, right?

TIMDid you break my window?

CAROLI still have the negatives.

TIMAll right fine, let’s go.

CAROLYay!

(She pulls TIM off-stage.)

(Lights down.)

VI. 1968 – Coming home

ANDREA, 16JESSICA, 18

(ANDREA, dressed fairly conservatively, is watching television.)

(JESSICA, dressed like a hippie, wearing beads, tie-dye, the whole bit, knocks on the window*, then ducks.)

*If you don’t have a window, she can use the front door.

(ANDREA hears it, turns around, doesn’t see JESSICA, and goes back to watching television.)

(Another knock.)

(ANDREA hears it this time. Another knock.)

(She opens the door.)

50

ANDREAJessica?!

(Big hug.)What are you doing here, I thought you joined a commune!

JESSICANo I didn’t join a – are Mom and Dad home?

ANDREAWhat?

JESSICAAre Mom and Dad home?

ANDREANo they’re out to dinner.

JESSICAOkay good.

(JESSICA darts into the room.)

ANDREAAre you home for good?

JESSICANo I’m just here to get a few things and then I’m out.

ANDREAWhat?

JESSICAI’m going to San Francisco.

ANDREAWhat’s in San Francisco?

JESSICAEverything, man. Everything. There’s the most groovy scene happening there.

ANDREAAre you kidding me?

JESSICAI’m not asking you to understand.

ANDREA

51

I do understand. You’ve become a complete lunatic. (JESSICA heads to her room.)

Did aliens steal your brain on the road? Did they?(JESSICA comes back quickly.)

JESSICAAndy – there’s a whole world out there – right now your mind is like encapsulated in this little illusion of normalcy, okay? That’s not even reality, man. That’s like – a dollhouse reality.

ANDREAOkay, aliens did steal your brain. I’ll alert the authorities.

JESSICANo cops!

ANDREAI’m kidding you idiot! Listen to you – dollhouse reality – what the heck is that?

JESSICAReality is like an onion, man. You start peeling back layers of consciousness – layer after layer after layer – I don’t have time to explain my philosophy to you but I have a reading list that you should look at, and I’m gonna leave it on the counter. You can’t show it to Mom though. She’ll flip.

ANDREAJess – you’re not allowed to run away for two months and then show up to give me homework.

JESSICAIt’s not homework. It’s consciousness expansion. It’s your duty as a thinking human being.

ANDREANo thanks. I’m cool with my own reality.

JESSICAThat’s your problem.

ANDREAOkay, great. I can accept that. Hey you know what your problem is? Body odor. When was the last time you took a shower?

JESSICAThere are more important things in life –

ANDREAYou wouldn’t say that if you were standing over here. Are showers for the man, or something?

52

JESSICAYou really need to read the books.

(She leaves again)

ANDREAWhat are you looking for, anyway?

JESSICA (off-stage)What?

ANDREAWhat are you looking for?

JESSICA (off-stage)Some things.

ANDREAWhat things?

JESSICAMan you’re nosy. Clean underwear for one.

(JESSICA returns with a backpack.)

ANDREAYou’re really selling me on the romance of the open road, by the way.

JESSICAHow much money you got on you?

ANDREALike five bucks.

JESSICAIs it like five bucks or is it like more than five bucks?

ANDREAFive bucks.

JESSICACan I have it?

ANDREAJess –

JESSICAWhat? What are you gonna spend it on?

53

ANDREAI don’t know. It’s my money. I’ll probably spend it on what I want to. Crazy concept. That’s because I’m selling out to the man.

JESSICALet me have it.

ANDREANo. I think you’re having mental problems.

JESSICAMental problems?!

ANDREAYes! Look at you! This is not how a rational human being dresses!

JESSICARationality is a disease, man.

ANDREAWell that’s probably the only one you don’t have.

JESSICAAndy – give me your money.

ANDREANo.

JESSICAThen come with me.

ANDREAWhat?

JESSICATo San Francisco. It’ll be incredible. You need to get out of here anyway –

ANDREAAre you insane?

JESSICAThink about your life. Mom and Dad are under this delusion that they’re perfect, right?

ANDREANo they aren’t! Have you met Mom and Dad?

54

JESSICADon’t you want adventure?

ANDREAI want to smell nice. You smell like a goat farm.

JESSICAThat’s patchouli.

ANDREAIs it made from frisky goats?

JESSICAI don’t know what it’s made from, but it’s pretty great.

ANDREAIt’s goats. Pretty sure it’s goats. Maybe a goat wearing a dead rodent coat.

JESSICAAndy –

ANDREAWhat?

JESSICAI’m not gonna steer you wrong. Life is better out there.

ANDREAThen why are you here begging for underwear and five bucks?

JESSICALove. Sisterly love.

ANDREASounds like you’re homeless.

JESSICAWhatever, man. When are Mom and Dad gonna be home?

ANDREAAny second.

JESSICAI gotta jet.

55

ANDREAOh come on you just got here –

JESSICAI don’t want to be a part of that scene.

ANDREAOur family, you mean?

JESSICAI gotta go, Andy.

ANDREAI’ll give you the five bucks.

JESSICAOkay.

ANDREAIf you talk to me for a minute.

JESSICAI’ve been talking to you –

ANDREAIf you keep talking to me.

JESSICASo Mom and Dad can catch me –

ANDREAWill you listen to yourself? They’re not the CIA. They’re ordinary parents. They’re also not insane dictator cult leaders either.

JESSICAFine. Two minutes.

ANDREAOkay. And you have to tell me the truth.

JESSICANo problem.

ANDREAAll right. Are you happy out there?

56

JESSICAYes.

ANDREAAre you?

JESSICAI said yes.

ANDREAReally?

JESSICAThis conversation is really amazing, by the way.

ANDREAAnswer the question.

JESSICAI already answered it twice.

ANDREAAnswer it a third time. Are you happy? And this time don’t give me a one word answer.

JESSICAYou should have a job as a CIA interrogator, by the way.

ANDREAAnswer the question.

JESSICAI’m perfectly happy. I have everything I need. I’m having a great time.

ANDREAOkay.

JESSICAOkay?

ANDREAJust wanted to make sure.

JESSICAThat’s it?

ANDREA

57

Take your five bucks.

JESSICAAll right.

ANDREAWe all miss you, by the way.

JESSICAI know. I miss you too.

(JESSICA gets her stuff and takes the money.)

ANDREAWhenever you want, you can come home.

JESSICAI don’t think Mom and Dad would go for that.

ANDREAOf course they would.

JESSICANo, man.

ANDREAThey love you. You think they’re going to turn you away?

JESSICAYeah.

ANDREAWhy would they do that?

(short pause)

JESSICAI’m sure they’re embarrassed.

ANDREANo they’re not. Jess – Jess – they’re worried sick. They can’t hardly sleep. They hired a private investigator –

JESSICANo way.

ANDREA

58

They did. And he was the worst private investigator in the world. He mostly sat outside our house ‘cause he thought I had you in the attic.

JESSICAWe don’t even have an attic!

ANDREAI know! That’s how bad he was! He couldn’t even figure that out! But Dad paid him anyway –

JESSICAWow.

ANDREAStay here. Wait for them. Just talk to them.

(pause)Is it really so great out there?

(pause)Jess. Stay.

(JESSICA sets down her bag.)

JESSICAOkay.

(She hugs ANDREA.)

ANDREABut take a shower before they get here or they’ll kick you out anyway.

JESSICAAll right.

(short pause)Thanks.

Lights down.

VII. 1955 –

(RICHARD enters, dressed like a greaser (blue jeans, slicked back hair, white t-shit – pack of cigarettes rolled up in the sleeve.)

(he checks his look in a mirror. Again and again.)

(MARY enters, sees RICHARD, and bursts out laughing.)

RICHARDWhat. What?

(MARY keeps laughing, then exits.)

59

What? Mary what is it? Do I look stupid? Just tell me! Do I look stupid?(MARY returns, still chuckling.)

Do I look stupid?

MARYWho are you?

RICHARDI think I look good.

MARYWow.

RICHARDWhat? You don’t think so?

MARYWhat’s with the shirt?

RICHARDI’m trying out a new identity.

MARYYou look like what a six-year old thinks a greaser should be.

RICHARDIs it the hair?

MARYWhat are you trying to do?

RICHARDJust tell me does my hair look cool!

MARYNo.

RICHARDArrrgh!

(He gets more Bryl Cream.)Okay, more Bryl Cream.

MARYGive it a rest. Stop what you’re doing.

RICHARD

60

Why?

MARYWhat is this?

(She takes the deck of cards out of his shirt.)Cards?

RICHARDI don’t like cigarettes.

MARYWhy are you pretending to be a greaser?

RICHARDI am a greaser.

MARYNo you’re not.

RICHARDI’m becoming a greaser. I’m turning over a new leaf.

MARYNone of your friends are greasers.

RICHARDLeave me alone, Mary! Obviously you don’t understand how cool I am. That’s too bad for you.

MARYOkay, Richard. Here’s your deck of cards back so you can pretend it’s cigarettes.

(She tosses the cards to him.)

RICHARDYou really think my hair doesn’t look good?

MARYIt’s not so much your hair as your entire persona right now. Good luck with whatever it is you’re trying to do. If you’re trying to make new friends, I’d bet money that you’re going to get trashcanned.

RICHARDOkay. You promise not to tell?

MARYTell what?

61

RICHARDYou promise not to tell?

MARYI don’t even know what it is, how can I promise not to tell it?

RICHARDMary.

MARYFine. I won’t tell.

RICHARDYou know Susan DeVito?

MARYYes.

RICHARDI’m gonna ask her to go steady.

(MARY bursts out into laughter and leaves the room.)Hey! Hey what gives!

MARYSusan DeVito?

RICHARDWhat about her?

MARYShe’s a senior. You’re a sophomore.

RICHARDI know what grade she’s in.

MARYBut that’s not even the beginning of your nightmare – wait wait wait – that’s what this look is for? Susan DeVito?

RICHARDNo. Okay yes.

MARYYou think that looking like that is going to persuade her to go steady with you? With you?

RICHARD

62

You don’t have to say it like I was a poisonous fungus or something.

MARYYou might as well be a poisonous fungus.

RICHARDHelp me then!

MARYI’m not a miracle worker.

RICHARDYes you are. You’re great at this stuff. You’ve got so much girl knowledge – you’re practically one of them!

MARYYou’re not really helping your cause.

RICHARDSee? I don’t even know the right things to say!

MARYAll right I’ll help you. You’re like a lost little puppy desperately begging for some scraps of food.

RICHARDExactly! Except instead of food it’s Susan DeVito.

MARYLet’s keep those comments to yourself, okay? All right – I’m going to be Susan –

RICHARDYou’re going to be Susan?

MARYYes. We’re going to walk through an encounter with her.

RICHARDYou’re no Susan. Susan’s an angel.

MARYUse your imagination.

RICHARDHave you seen her?

63

MARYUse your imagination.

RICHARDShe even smells beautiful. She smells like sunshine and flowers and baked goods.

MARYRichard. Focus.

RICHARDOkay. I will use my imagination a lot to pretend that you are Susan DeVito, when the reality could not be more different. I wrote some poems for her –

MARYDon’t show them to anyone.

RICHARDYou haven’t even seen them!

MARYYes, but I’m familiar with your work. Can we begin?

RICHARDWhat do you want me to do?

MARYImagine I’m Susan. Talk to me. That’s the gist of it.

(MARY moves away a minute and assumes a role.)Oh I know! Isn’t he the most! See ya Betty! Call me later?

(She walks past RICHARD, who does nothing but stand there.)(MARY becomes herself again.)

What was that? You just stood there.

RICHARDI’m cultivating an aura of mystery.

MARYYou’re as mysterious as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, goober. You have to say something. Make a noise. Anything.

RICHARDLet’s try again.

(MARY becomes SUSAN again, except she is even more SUSANish this time.)

MARYYou are so right, Betty! You are so right! He’s a dream!

64

(She walks past RICHARD)(RICHARD whistles.)

Fresh!(MARY slaps him.)

RICHARDOw! What’s the big idea?

MARYWhat kind of girl do you take me for?

RICHARDI was just showing interest. You said make a noise.

MARYNot a wolf call!

RICHARDTHIS IS HARD!

MARYDo you want her to fall in love with you, do you? You want to ride off into the sunset with little miss Susan DeVito and have little Susan Devito children and live in a sky kingdom? Do you?

RICHARDShe lives in a sky kingdom?

MARYQuiet! It’s a metaphor. You have to hit this perfectly. No wolf whistles. No cultivating an aura of stupid mystery. You need to speak. Words must leave your mouth and implant themselves into her brain and, marvelously, create a positive impression there. Can you do that?

RICHARDYes.

MARYI CAN’T HEAR YOU!

RICHARDWhat has gotten into you?

MARYI’m running this show now! Let’s try it again. This time: Speak!

RICHARDYou frighten me, Mary. You really frighten me sometimes.

65

MARYGood.

(She becomes SUSAN again.)Oh you really are swell, Betty! You’re my best friend and we’re going to be friends forever and ever!

(RICHARD approaches her.)

RICHARDHello.

MARYHello.

(short pause)Betty can you talk me home there’s a weirdo here.

RICHARDI’m not a weirdo. My name’s Richard.

MARYWonderful. I need to go. I have things to do.

RICHARDWould you like to go steady with me?

MARYFresh!

(MARY slaps him.)

RICHARDWhoah! Hey! That wouldn’t be her reaction!

MARYYou don’t know her! I do! If you waste a minute of her time, you know what she’s going to do? She’s going to destroy you! This is Susan DeVito we’re talking about, okay? She’s an angel goddess from heaven. She will kill you if you mess up.

RICHARDI didn’t think I messed up.

MARYOh please! `Hello’ HELLO?! What’s that supposed to mean! You can’t begin a conversation with a girl like this with hello. Who do you think you are?

RICHARDWhat should I say then? I thought it was a common greeting.

66

MARYCommon. Listen to the word you just used. Common. You need an uncommon greeting if you’re going to catch her attention.

RICHARDWhat’s an uncommon greeting?

MARYFigure it out.

RICHARDI can’t. I don’t have a lot of original ideas.

MARYThen this entire episode will lead to heartbreak and disaster.

RICHARDI thought you were supposed to be giving me advice –

MARYHere’s some: Set your sights lower. Find a girl who isn’t as pretty. Maybe one with an eye-patch or a lisp. Actually, if she’s got both you might have a chance.

RICHARDNever! It’s Susan DeVito or no one! Mary, I don’t know how to tell you this, but she is the greatest girl in the history of girls.

MARYReally. That’s amazing.

RICHARDIf you and her were standing next to each other it would be like putting a ugly homeless muskrat next to a beautiful muskrat.

MARYBoy you’re really sweet, Richard, but -

RICHARDCan we try again please? I want to keep doing this until I get it right.

MARYVery well.

RICHARDAnd maybe you could not slap me this time? My face hurts.

67

MARYDon’t make me slap you and I won’t slap you.

RICHARDBut I don’t know what makes you slap me.

MARYThe slap is to help you learn not get slapped. Okay!

(She becomes SUSAN again)Oh gee Betty that sweater is fabu! You must tell me where you got it! Well, I’ve got to be going! Toodles!

(She walks past RICHARD)

RICHARDExcuse me, do you um…

MARYYes?

RICHARDI just wanted to say that you’re really pretty. A lot pretty. Very much.

MARYWhat’s your name?

RICHARDRichard.

MARYFresh!

(She slaps him)

RICHARDWHOAH! YOU’RE MAKING THIS IMPOSSIBLE MARY!

MARYYOU’RE THE WORST BOY EVER!

RICHARDWHAT DID I DO WRONG?!

MARYYou spoke to her! That’s what you did wrong!

RICHARD

68

Wait a minute! First I didn’t do anything and you said that was wrong, then I made a noise and you said that was wrong, and now I said something uncommon and that was wrong!

MARYExactly!

RICHARDWhat?

MARYListen to me, little brother. There are some games you will always lose. It’s better that you learn this lesson now. There is no way you can get her to go steady with you. None. Accept your fate.

RICHARDThat’s ridiculous. I’m going to woo her, and I’m going to write love notes, and I’m going to stand around and look mysterious and I will look cool and one day she’s going to go steady with me. With God as my witness, I will go to the prom with Susan DeVito!

MARYOh you want to go to the prom with her?

RICHARDYes!

MARYI thought you wanted to go steady.

RICHARDThat too. But Prom first!

MARYOhhhh…

RICHARDDoes that change things?

MARYYes.

RICHARDReally?

MARYYes. That changes a lot.

RICHARD

69

So I should mention the prom then? Don’t slap me this time.

MARYI promise not to slap you. All right.

(She becomes SUSAN again)See you later Betty! Call me and we’ll dish!

RICHARDSusan?

MARYWhat.

RICHARDI’m not sure how to say this because I keep doing it wrong, but my name’s Richard. That’s probably not important to you, but I just wanted to let you know that I think you’re an angel, and I would be honored – I would be really honored – if you would consider going to the prom with me. Before you answer, I can’t really buy you a fancy dinner or anything, and I’m not a very good dancer, but I’m sincere, and I would be a gentleman, and I think we would have a wonderful time.

MARYWow. That really touched my heart.

RICHARDReally?

MARYYes. I’m going to have to tell my boyfriend, John MacGregor what you said. You know John right? He’s extremely large, jealous, and violent. He spends most of his time lifting weights and hurting people who ask me to prom. Oh here he comes now!

RICHARDAll right all right time out!

MARYWhat?

RICHARDShe’s really going to the prom with John?

MARYYes she is.

RICHARDHuh.

70

(short pause)So can you help me ask out Jennifer Williams?

(Lights down.)

VII. 1944 – A Love Letter to Ma

JIMMY, 19CHARLIE, 18

(This play is probably more fun if it takes place in Boston. But it doesn’t have to.)

(JIMMY enters with duffel bag, dressed somewhat nice.)

JIMMYCharlie! Let’s go! You ready?

CHARLIEYeah, yeah. Hold your horses.

(CHARLIE enters with duffel bag.)

JIMMYAll right then.

CHARLIEHold on. One last look around.

(CHARLIE looks around the living room.)Hope I see this again someday.

JIMMYI think we get a couple a days off after basic.

CHARLIEYeah.

JIMMYYou’ll be back.

CHARLIEJimmy. I love ya.

JIMMYI love ya too Charlie.

(They hug.)

(CHARLIE takes out a letter and puts it on the table.)

71

JIMMYWhat’s that for?

CHARLIEThat’s for Ma.

JIMMYWhat is it?

CHARLIEIt’s a letter. I was hoping that was obvious.

JIMMYOh. What’s in the letter?

CHARLIEOh just – you know, thanking her for being our mother, saying how much I love her and I’m gonna miss her overseas and all that.

JIMMYPretty thick.

CHARLIEYeah. I had a lot to say.

JIMMYMa’s great.

CHARLIEYeah.

JIMMYFunny. I wrote a letter too.

CHARLIEOh. What’s it say?

JIMMYYou know. Squishy stuff. The kind she likes.

(JIMMY sets down his much thinner letter next to CHARLIE’s letter.)

CHARLIEOh that’s nice. She’s gonna like that. It’ll really touch her heart.

JIMMY

72

Hey uh – you mind if uh – can I just take a look at your letter?

CHARLIEWhat for?

JIMMYJust curious.

CHARLIECan I look at yours?

JIMMYYou don’t need to look at mine.

CHARLIEIf you’re gonna look at mine I get to look at yours.

JIMMYOkay. All right.

(They switch places. JIMMY removes a long, three-page handwritten letter from Charlie’s envelope first.)

Wow.

(Charlie removes a single sheet of paper with just a few words written on it from Jimmy’s envelope.)

CHARLIEHuh.

JIMMYYou kinda… you elaborated a lot in here.

CHARLIEDear Ma. I’m gonna miss you when I’m fighting the Nazis. I love you. Love, James.

(He turns the paper over. Nothing more.)

JIMMYI was gonna add some more.

CHARLIELike what?

JIMMYI was gonna put `take care’ on there.

CHARLIEOh. Yeah that woulda really punched this up.

73

JIMMYYeah. You really used some vocabulary in here.

CHARLIEYeah.

JIMMYThese are like dictionary words in here. Really went above and beyond. There’s like imagery in here. You’re using imagery.

CHARLIECouldn’t sleep. You know how it is.

(CHARLIE sets down JIMMY’s letter.)

JIMMYSo uh… what do ya say if I just add my name here at the end?

CHARLIEWhat?

JIMMYYou know where it says I love you with the light of a thousand suns, you are my stars, you are my moon, you are my everything. What if we just put Charlie… and Jimmy? Like it was from both of us.

CHARLIEBut it’s my letter.

JIMMYRight. And I feel like you have really described exactly what both of us are feeling right now.

CHARLIEYou wrote your own letter!

JIMMYNobody needs to see that. I’ll just put that, you know, in the garbage.

CHARLIENo.

JIMMYWell this is unfair! We gotta leave in five minutes!

CHARLIESo?

74

JIMMYSo I can’t write a comparable letter in five minutes! You wrote like War and Peace here!

CHARLIEI can’t help it if you don’t love Ma enough to write a good letter.

JIMMYI did write a good letter!

CHARLIEA four-year old coulda wrote that letter!

JIMMYIt was simple and direct.

CHARLIEThen leave it for Ma! I’m sure she’ll appreciate simple and direct!

JIMMYOh sure! She’ll see one boy wrote five million words comparing her to daisies! You had to go with daisies!

CHARLIEIt’s Ma’s favorite flower!

JIMMYI know that!

CHARLIEWell you coulda put something about daisies in your letter, but ya didn’t. You were too busy talking about killing Nazis.

JIMMYThat’s what we’re gonna go do!

CHARLIEOkay!

JIMMYCharlie. Charlie you gotta let me sign your letter too.

CHARLIEIt’s personal.

JIMMYLet me sign it.

75

CHARLIENo.

JIMMYYou’re better with words than me, it’s not fair you get to use your words to write your letter, and I gotta use my words to write mine.

CHARLIEThat’s so stupid my brain can’t even figure that out.

JIMMYYou always did better in school! You got book smarts! That ain’t fair!

CHARLIECause I worked hard!

JIMMYAnd I didn’t! So what?

CHARLIESo I worked hard because I love Ma –

JIMMYYou’re saying I don’t love Ma?

CHARLIEYou coulda worked harder in school to prove it!

JIMMYI had better things to do!

CHARLIEWell now you can’t write a decent letter, can you? You gotta live with the consequences of being a moron.

JIMMYI’m a moron, am I?

CHARLIE (holding up JIMMY’s letter)This ain’t the work of Shakespeare here.

JIMMYI’ll show you what a moron is!

(JIMMY snatches CHARLIE’s letter off the table.)

76

CHARLIEHey!

JIMMYNow who’s the moron!

CHARLIEYou’re trying to steal a love letter to Ma you idiot.

JIMMYI’m not stealing it! I’m crossing off your name and putting mine on here!

CHARLIEShe’s ain’t stupid Jimmy! That ain’t gonna fool her!

JIMMYShe ain’t Sherlock Holmes neither! I coulda wrote this.

(CHARLIE grabs the pens on the table.)

CHARLIEI got the pen! You ain’t writing nothing!

JIMMYGimme the pen.

CHARLIEDrop the letter.

JIMMYThis ain’t gonna end well for you.

CHARLIEDrop the letter, Jimmy.

(JIMMY holds it up like he’s going to rip up the letter.)What are you doing?

JIMMYNothing. I’m feeling real… twitchy though. Maybe one of these moments I’ll just…

(he fakes like’s going to rip up the letter, but doesn’t.)

CHARLIENo!

JIMMYOh not feeling so confident now are ya Mr. writer man?

77

CHARLIEThat ain’t your letter, Jimmy. That expresses my profound and sincere love for Ma.

JIMMYI got profound and sincere love too! Like a million shoes or whatever.

CHARLIEThe light of a million suns!

JIMMYWHATEVER! GIMME THE PEN.

CHARLIENEVER!

JIMMYTHEN SAY GOODBYE TO WAR AND PEACE!

(JIMMY makes to tear up the letter – CHARLIE charges him.)

(CHARLIE grabs JIMMY’s arms and they start wrestling.)

CHARLIEDROP THE LETTER!

JIMMYIT PERFECTLY EXPRESSES MY FEELINGS!

CHARLIEYOU HAVE NO FEELINGS YOU’RE LIKE A HUMAN SQUID!

(JIMMY gets on top of CHARLIE and grabs CHARLIE’s wrists.)Let go.

JIMMYNo. You’re hitting yourself.

(JIMMY starts making CHARLIE hit himself.)

CHARLIEStop it.

JIMMYWhy are you hitting yourself? Don’t you have no respect for yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?

CHARLIECut it out, Jimmy.

78

JIMMYWhat am I doing? I’m not doing nothing. I’m just sitting here – you’re the one hitting yourself cause you got no self-respect.

(CHARLIE bucks JIMMY off and makes a mad dash for the letter.)

CHARLIEHa ha ha! Mine! It’s mine!

(CHARLIE runs away from JIMMY, with the letter.)

JIMMYWhat are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? We gotta get to base, Charlie. Sooner or later you gotta walk out that door.

CHARLIEI’ll mail it.

JIMMYNo!

(CHARLIE breaks for the door, JIMMY gets there first and tackles him.)

CHARLIENoo! No!

JIMMYYou sound like bulldog! No no no no!

(He starts barking)

CHARLIEYou’re like a Chihuahua!

(he starts barking like a Chihuahua)Ruff ruff ruff ruff!

JIMMYNonononononon!

CHARLIERuff ruff ruff ruff! THIS IS STUPID THIS IS STUPID STOP! We’re brothers.

JIMMYYeah.

CHARLIEWe shouldn’t be fighting each other.

JIMMYNo.

79

CHARLIEI’ll let you sign your name on the letter.

JIMMYThank you. See, that wasn’t so hard.

CHARLIEHere.

(He gives JIMMY the pen. JIMMY signs the letter.)All right give gimme back the pen.

(JIMMY gives back the pen.)

JIMMYThank you.

CHARLIEYou ain’t sore?

JIMMYNope.

CHARLIEGood. I’m gonna miss you.

JIMMYI’ll write to you.

CHARLIEI’ll write to you too.

(short pause)On second thought I’ll draw you a picture.

JIMMYOkay.

(They exit. Lights down.)

1936 – A Star is almost born

MAGGIE, 17JOHNNY, 19

(Night.(JOHNNY has the radio on. Something like “Pennies from Heaven” by Bing Crosby is playing.)

80

(JOHNNY is finishing his dinner. There isn’t much of it.)

(MAGGIE, dressed as a maid, enters sheepishly?)

JOHNNYWhere you been?

MAGGIEDon’t be cross, Johnny.

JOHNNYIt’s almost eight o’clock. I was waiting round for you to eat.

MAGGIEI’m not hungry.

JOHNNYGood cause there ain’t nothing left.

MAGGIEYou ate everything?

JOHNNYWhat everything? I ate what we had.

MAGGIEIt doesn’t matter. I’ve had the most brilliant day! I want you to guess what happened to me today!

JOHNNYYou fell down, hit your head, and now you’re delusional.

MAGGIENo.

JOHNNYYou feel down, hit your head, and wandered through the darkness for a couple of hours. Jeez Lousie, Maggie, I was worried sick about you. There’s crazy people out there.

MAGGIEI know –

JOHNNYHave you seen the crazy people? There’s five of `em on our street! All they do is walk around and look for single girls to bop on the head.

81

MAGGIEI can take care of myself. That’s not why I’m late.

JOHNNYI was about to go find a Police Officer. `You seen a girl about this tall? Nuts. Kind of looks like a frightened deer.”

MAGGIEWill you shut up for one second so I can tell you the brilliant thing!

JOHNNYAll right. Tell.

MAGGIEWhat if I told you… I was going to be a movie star!

JOHNNYOh so you did get hit in the head.

MAGGIEI’m serious!

JOHNNYWhich magazine did you get that out of?

MAGGIEIt’s not a magazine! It’s real! Johnny, I’m moving to Hollywood! Well I’m not moving there first – they have to beg me.

JOHNNYOkay.

MAGGIEOkay?!

JOHNNYOkay. How precisely are they begging you? Are they sending the limo first, or are they just going to get Cary Grant to write a letter.

MAGGIEYou don’t believe me!

JOHNNYWhatever gave you that impression?

MAGGIE

82

You are the worst brother a girl could have!

JOHNNYAll right all right all right – what happened today?

MAGGIEI’m not telling now.

JOHNNYPlease tell me.

MAGGIEI’m not doing it. I’ll just be in my room packing my bags for stardom, and then you can read about me in the paper later.

(MAGGIE starts to leave.)

JOHNNYOkay. I’ll look forward to it.

(MAGGIE springs back in.)

MAGGIEYou’d let me not tell you, wouldn’t you!

JOHNNYI don’t know what you’re talking about now. Honestly, I still think you got bashed in the head by a crazy person.

MAGGIEI’m going to be in a movie!

JOHNNYOkay.

MAGGIEDon’t you want to know how?

JOHNNYYes tell me how but stop talking at me you’re making my brain hurt. For goodness sake I feel sorry for the fool who’s gonna end up married to you. Every day you’re going to make his head explode.

MAGGIEOkay, I will tell you. So I was working today at Mr. Christiansen’s house.

JOHNNYWho’s Mr. Christiansen?

83

MAGGIECan I tell my story or do I need to shove a sock in your mouth first?

JOHNNYI don’t know how Mr. Christiansen is.

MAGGIEI clean his house!

JOHNNYOkay.

MAGGIEWhich I have done for the past three months.

JOHNNYReally? So that’s where you been going every day. I just figured you liked to dress up in that outfit and walk around.

MAGGIESo I’m there – in his house, where I have worked for three months, and you know who’s there?

JOHNNYMr. Christiansen?

MAGGIEIt’s a rhetorical question Johnny, shut up.

JOHNNYWhy are you asking a rhetorical question?

MAGGIESHUT UP!

JOHNNYThey’re gonna love you in Hollywood. I can see them rolling out the red carpet now.

MAGGIEThey’re using Mr. Christiansen’s house for a location. Movie producers. So they got cameras, they got people running around, there’s wires all over the place, and it’s wild. Anyways, in comes the director – Henry. King.

JOHNNYWho?

84

MAGGIEHenry King.

JOHNNYTHE Henry King?!

MAGGIEYES!

JOHNNYI don’t know who that is.

MAGGIEHe’s a movie director!

JOHNNYI figured that out already!

MAGGIECan I tell my story!

JOHNNYThat’s what I’m waiting for!

MAGGIEHe comes in, Henry King, famous director to other people who actually pay attention to things, and he’s got an entourage and he’s got all these people. So I’m watching, right? I’m cleaning, I’m cleaning over here – trying to look pretty –

JOHNNYHow do you try to look pretty?

MAGGIEYou do this.

(MAGGIE demonstrates dusting while trying to look pretty.)

JOHNNYWhat are you doing with your face?

MAGGIEI’m looking pretty!

JOHNNYIt’s not working.

MAGGIE

85

It did work! They’re doing a scene, some actress – and she’s having a fit. (she does a famous actor voice)

`I can’t work like this all you people are morons! The only one who loves me is my cat, Chester! AND YOU WON’T EVEN LET HIM ON THE SET!’ and then she starts hysterically crying, like this, right?

(She hysterically cries and runs out.)The actor –

JOHNNYWho’s the actor?

MAGGIEJames Stewart.

JOHNNYWhat?

MAGGIEOh you heard of somebody! Call the papers, Johnny’s heard of somebody!

JOHNNYJimmy Stewart?!

(from here on in, JOHNNY gets more and more excited.)

MAGGIEThat’s what I’m telling you! So anyways, he goes –

(JIMMY STEWART voice)`I’m allergic to cats. I just – I get – you know how I get, Henry. I’m allergic to cats. I can’t breathe. I can’t even think. She smells like a cat all the time. I think I’m gonna die, Henry.’ So Henry King the famous director who you’ve never of – he starts yelling at the actress, and he says, `I don’t need your or your cat! In fact, I’d like to make hamburger out of your cat!’

JOHNNYHe does not say that.

MAGGIEHe did. So then we overhear, you shoulda heard it, actress lady – screaming –

(she starts screaming hysterically)Throwing things – crash – Mr. Christiansen is having a heart attack – she comes back, she’s got a chair in her hands, Johnny. She brought a chair. She says, “YOU NEVER LOVED ME! YOU WERE JUST PRETENDING!” Now we’re all agog, you know – she throws the chair at him –

JOHNNYDoes it hit him?

MAGGIE

86

Partially. But it doesn’t really hurt because it’s a chair. So anyways, he says, “YOU GOT NOT TALENT. I MADE YOU!” “I made you! You can’t do this picture without me you boob!” Excuse my language but I’m quoting here. “YOU THINK YOU’RE SPECIAL! I COULD PUT THE MAID IN!” So here I am –

(she acts out the dusting very prettily.Real pretty, right? Just – I’m exquisite at that moment. `Me?’ He says, “what’s your name, sweetheart?” I don’t even remember. I don’t even remember my own name. I say, “I don’t know, but I intend to find out.” He laughs. Henry King laughs!

JOHNNYHenry King laughed because you were funny!

MAGGIEI know! Jimmy Stewart laughed!

JOHNNYJimmy Stewart laughed! Jimmy Stewart laughed at my sister!

MAGGIEHe hands me a script!

JOHNNYNo!

MAGGIEHe says get in there!

JOHNNYHe does not!

MAGGIEI get in there!

JOHNNYOh my God!

MAGGIEI KISS JIMMY STEWART!

(JOHNNY collapses)

JOHNNYMY SISTER’S GOING TO HOLLYWOOD! MY SISTER’S GOING TO HOLLYWOOD!

(He gets up and starts dancing around with her. MAGGIE start jumping up and down.)

MAGGIE

87

So I’m supposed to call Henry King tonight – he gave me his personal phone number to his personal phone.

JOHNNYI want to be your manager. Can I be your manager?

MAGGIEYou know anything about managing stars?

JOHNNYNot a thing, but how hard can it be? No love scenes.

MAGGIEShut up for a second. So I got Henry King’s number, I’m supposed to call him tonight!

JOHNNYCall him call him call him!

MAGGIEYou don’t think it’s too late?

JOHNNYHe’s a famous Hollywood director they stay up crazy hours.

MAGGIECall him now?

JOHNNYYes!

MAGGIEI don’t know if I should.

JOHNNYWhat are you waiting for, call him!

MAGGIEOkay.

(MAGGIE goes to the phone.)

JOHNNYDon’t sound desperate. You’re a professional.

MAGGIEI’m a professional maid.

88

JOHNNYHey if I’m gonna be your manager you gotta listen to my advice. Calm. Take a breath. You need to stretch? You should stretch.

MAGGIEI’m not stretching to make a phone call!

JOHHNYStardom has gone to your head, Maggie.

MAGGIEIT’S A PHONE CALL!

JOHNNYSorry. Sorry.

(JOHNNY begins frantically pacing as MAGGIE is dialing.)Start out with something simple, like hello is Mr. King there? He even sounds important! That can’t be his real name. Then you say something like I appreciate your interest but I would like more money.

MAGGIEIt’s ringing.

JOHNNYWhat? You already dialed! We’re not ready!

MAGGIEShhhhh!

(MAGGIE puts the phone to her ear.)Hello? Hello is Henry King there?

JOHNNYOh that’s good. Good instincts. You’re a natural.

MAGGIEThis is Maggie Benson. He told me to call this number. Uh-huh. Well, yes – actually – yes I did it – you know I filled in today for – oh for you – yes I filled in for you today and… oh I see. Oh well I’m glad for you so um… he’s busy? Can I try back later?

(MAGGIE takes the phone away from her ear.)She hung up on me.

JOHNNYOh.

(MAGGIE deflates.)

MAGGIE

89

I suppose I’ve been very silly.

JOHNNYNo, not at all.

MAGGIEMovie star. Not likely.

JOHNNYYou did make `em laugh. Not everybody’s got that skill. That’s a rare skill.

MAGGIEYeah.

JOHNNYAnd you kissed Jimmy Stewart.

MAGGIEYeah.

JOHNNYSo how `bout we celebrate that?

MAGGIEOkay.

(JOHNNY puts the music up. Sing Sing Sing by the Benny Goodman Orchestra.)

MAGGIEI didn’t think he’d get back together with her so soon.

JOHNNYThese Hollywood types. You never know.

MAGGIENot like real people.

JOHNNYNope. Hey you know something?

MAGGIEWhat?

JOHNNYThey’re gonna be filming there tomorrow, right?

90

MAGGIESure.

JOHNNYMake sure to clean real pretty.

(MAGGIE smiles. Music comes up.)

(Lights down.)

1922 – Very Cold Feet

EVELYN, 20, a flapperVIRGINIA, 16

(VIRGINIA enters, dressed up for a wedding. She’s putting her hair in order.)

(EVELYN enters opposite, not dressed for the wedding.)

EVELYNI love that look.

VIRGINIAThank you.

(EVELYN exits and returns with pen and paper. She begins writing a note.)Shouldn’t you be getting ready?

EVELYNI suppose. I’m not sweating it.

(She continues to write her letter.)

VIRGINIAIsn’t the wedding in three hours?

EVELYNThat’s what they tell me.

VIRGINIAAre you nervous?

EVELYNWhy would I be nervous?

VIRGINIA

91

That’s what I’ve heard. Brides on their wedding day get nervous.

EVELYNI’m cool as a cucumber on ice.

VIRGINIAWow. Of course, if I were marrying someone as handsome as Charles, I’d be happy too.

EVELYNHe’s all right I guess.

VIRGINIAAll right? He’s an Adonis.

EVELYNIf you’re into that kind of thing.

VIRGINIAWell I think he’s handsome – and kind and wonderful – and it doesn’t hurt that he’s got a great career –

EVELYNYou marry him then.

VIRGINIAWhat’s the matter?

EVELYNCan I tell you a secret? I’m not going to marry Charles.

VIRGINIAWhat? Who are you marrying then?

EVELYNNobody.

VIRGINIAI think all the guests at the wedding are going to be surprised.

EVELYNThey’ll get over it. Life is better with a few surprises. That’s the problems with most weddings anyways. There’s no drama. It’s a done deal. Will you take this man, will you take this woman? Everyone always says I do. What a snooze. This’ll give people something to talk about.

VIRGINIAYou’re going to say no?

92

EVELYNI’m not cruel. I’m just not going.

VIRGINIAHow can you not go to your own wedding? Your name’s on the program! There are three hundred people coming!

EVELYNYes it will be very exciting. I was so happy my wedding was going to be well-attended! You’ll have to tell me all about it.

VIRGINIAMother’s going to have a heart attack. Again. And what about Charles? He’s mad about you!

EVELYNHe’s mad about himself. Besides he isn’t that wonderful. He smells like cabbage.

VIRGINIAHe’s Irish! They all smell like that.

EVELYNLook, I’m fine about the wedding, it’s the marriage I’m not keen on. Can you imagine me getting manacled? What am I going to do, have a baby and get boring?

VIRGINIAYes!

EVELYNI’m not doing it! I’ve got an entire life to live and that doesn’t include becoming Mrs. Boiled Cabbage and raising fifty red-haired babies!

VIRGINIAWhere did you get fifty babies? I thought you were just having one!

EVELYNOnce you start, they just keep coming!

VIRGINIAMaybe you could have thought of this BEFORE YOU SAID YES TO HIM.

EVELYNWell I changed my mind!

VIRGINIAWhen?

93

EVELYNThirty seconds after I said yes.

VIRGINIAWhy didn’t you take it back?

EVELYNHe was dancing around and everything, I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. What was I going to say? Oh whoops, I thought you meant if I wanted to marinate the chicken? I have a problem with my ears, that’s all.

VIRGINIAThis is ridiculous.

EVELYNMarriage is a prison! Do you know any happily married women?

VIRGINIAMother!

EVELYNIt’s all a façade. She’s tortured.

VIRGINIAShe sings almost every day.

EVELYNTo mask the terrible disappointment she feels! Think about it: Once you’re married, that’s it, no one buys you flowers, no one takes you out to dances, if a man wants to kiss you you have to ask your husband for permission. No sir. Not for me!

VIRGINIAYou can’t just go around kissing people!

EVELYNToo late! Because that’s what I’ve been doing! And let me tell you something, there are a number of good kissers out there and I haven’t found all of them yet!

VIRGINIAYou have to go, Evelyn!

EVELYNI’m so glad you see my point. I’ve already bought a train ticket.

VIRGINIA

94

To where?

EVELYNNew York City.

VIRGINIAYou can’t go there by yourself!

EVELYNYou think they’ve got wolves patrolling the border or something? New York is the bee’s knees.

VIRGINIASo what are you going to tell Charles? You’re writing him a letter.

EVELYNOh no. And this is where I need your help.

VIRGINIAI’m not telling him for you.

EVELYNI don’t need you to tell him.

VIRGINIAHe’s going to be crushed, you know.

EVELYNI’m not a bad person. I don’t want to hurt him. That’s why I’m going to what any sensible girl would do in this situation: fake my own death.

VIRGINIAWhat?

EVELYNIt’s the perfect way out! This way his feelings aren’t hurt, he gets a lot of sympathy from the other guests, and they can still use all the catering for the wake.

VIRGINIAYou’re not serious.

EVELYNI am. It can’t be that difficult. People do it all time.

VIRGINIAWhat people?

95

EVELYNYou don’t know because you think they’re dead! Look in the obituaries, I bet half of those are fakes.

VIRGINIAWhy don’t you just tell him you don’t want to marry him?

EVELYNIt’s our wedding day! It’s a little late for that! Now – the way I figure it, there are a couple of good ways to go about this – I’ve been working on a nice suicide note –

VIRGINIAWait a minute! You don’t think his fiancee’s suicide on their wedding day won’t hurt his feelings!

EVELYNYou haven’t seen the note. It explains all that. I claim to have another husband in France.

VIRGINIAWhat?

EVELYNHe’s a Count. We were married at eighteen. I fled to America to be away from him because he’s a monster. So I obviously can’t marry Charles because I’m already married. See? It’s not his fault I’m killing myself!

VIRGINIAThis story has more holes than swiss cheese.

EVELYNIt checks out. We were in France two years ago on vacation, I could’ve slipped away for an hour or two, met a Count, and gotten secretly married while everyone else was asleep. You just need to say that I mentioned it at the time.

VIRGINIAAnd I didn’t say anything!

EVELYNYou were keeping my secrets like a good sister.

VIRGINIAEvelyn!

EVELYNCome on! This is what sisters do! We stand up for each other. We also help each other stage suicides.

96

VIRGINIAWhat are you going to do about a body?

EVELYNI’m so glad you asked! So here’s my plan: You say I jumped off the cliff and my body was washed out to sea.

VIRGINIAYou wrote a suicide note, then you walked to the cliff and jumped into the sea and I watched the entire time?

EVELYNI imagine you ran to try to stop me once you discovered my heartbreaking letter.

VIRGINIAI’m not doing this!

EVELYNYou have to work up a good cry for this.

VIRGINIAI’m not an actress!

EVELYN`I tried to stop her! She was so beautiful when she did it! She said, don’t cry – I said stop! Stoooopppp!’ This is where you break down a little bit like you can’t continue because what happened was so heart-breakingly terrible and awful at the same time. `I couldn’t stop her. She plunged into the icy water. Hardly even made a splash. The currents must have carried her body out to sea where we’ll never find her. Good thing we have this food for a wake.’

VIRGINIAThat’s what you want me to say?

EVELYNWhat?

VIRGINIAYou want me to go in front of a hundred people, break down in sobs, and lie about how your body was washed out to sea?

EVELYNIt’s perfect. And then read my note. Please. Ginny. We’re sisters. We do things for each other. I love you. Please.

VIRGINIA

97

Stop it.

EVELYNPlease. I would do this for you. We can let Mother and Father know later – they’ll be so happy. Just imagine the scene: I have something to tell you. Evelyn’s alive! She’s alive! They leap up and down, mother is crying tears of joy, Father is thanking God for this happiness. You don’t want to deny them that, do you? One little fib, Ginny. That’s all it is. Evelyn was washed out to sea and she’s dead, the wedding is off. Let’s try the cake. That’s it.

VIRGINIAFine!

EVELYNYou’ll do it!

VIRGINIAI said fine, didn’t I?

EVELYNYou are the absolute Jake!

VIRGINIAFine I’ll help you fake your death to get out of a wedding.

EVELYNYes!

(She hugs VIRGINIA.)Make it beautiful. I want to have a glorious death.

VIRGINIAI’ll make certain of it.

EVELYNLet’s practice! You have to try these things a few times or no one’s going to believe you.

VIRGINIANo one’s going to believe me anyway!

EVELYNIt’s romantic! It’s perfect for a wedding! Tell you what, if you’d like, you can marry Charles after.

VIRGINIAI’m sixteen and he doesn’t fancy me!

EVELYN

98

He’ll be so distraught after my death he’s likely to go for anything in a dress.

VIRGINIAThat makes me feel tremendous, thank you. All right let me read this nonsense.

EVELYNI spent a lot of time on that suicide note, so I’d appreciate it if you took my death seriously.

VIRGINIADear World and my beloved Charles –

(she sets the letter down)How can you call him beloved when you’re leaving him at the altar?

EVELYNI don’t want him to feel badly about me. And you can’t just launch into the letter, you have to introduce it. Tell the story of my tragic death.

VIRGINIAMust I?

EVELYNYes!

VIRGINIAFine.

EVELYNCry first.

(VIRGINIA starts crying.)Oh that’s nice. Very good. Can you get more of a choking sob in there, though? Like you can’t breathe because the grief is so immense?

(VIRGINIA cries more, holds up a hand as if to take a moment.)(She cries more.)

All right get on with it, people are beginning to wonder.

VIRGINIAMy dear friends. My sister Evelyn can’t be here today because…

(she breaks down a bit)She tumbled from a cliff to her doom –

EVELYNOh I like that. Doom.

VIRGINIAI saw her fall. She had dressed herself in a burlap sack. Her hair – she must have rubbed cow manure on it – I had never seen it like that –

99

EVELYNActually, I’d like you to mention how pretty I looked if possible – it’s sadder that way. I don’t want everyone to think I was crazy. That’s not really the image I had in my mind.

VIRGINIAA crazed look in her eye as if she was fearful and insane – I thought she might hit the water, but she hit the cliffside, which sent her cartwheeling into the abyss, spraying blood – I still had hope of finding her, but at that moment a shark leapt from the churning waves below, snapped her in half – she was still screaming at this point – mostly about how she had lost her legs and was very very sorry for missing the wedding and putting you nice people out. So she is dead. Good riddance, I say.

EVELYNIf I can offer some commentary on that –

VIRGINIAShh… I’m grieving… I hope that shark enjoyed her – she was a dear sister, and had gotten plump recently, so I’m sure she provided that predator with a good meal… she always loved nature. She left a note!

(She holds it up.)I will read it.

(she reads it)Dear friends and family and especially Charles – I’ll add that she’s spelled the word especially wrong.

EVELYNI did not!

VIRGINIABy now you have learned of my tragic and beautiful death. I am terribly sorry I could not be present to explain the reason for my suicide, but this must suffice. First, dear Charles, I am not who you believed I was. I married already. To a French peasant named Guillaume.

EVELYNI believe it says Count.

VIRGINIAI’m altering it for believability. Guillaume and I met in a public restroom in Paris.

EVELYNWhat!

VIRGINIAHe was a humble plumber, but his rough hands were magic, and we fell in love in several minutes. I was attracted to him despite his awful smell and missing teeth – I knew that my

100

parents would not approve as he was fifty years my senior and had only one foot. So I kept our love a secret, and even though he couldn’t speak and could only communicate in grunts and whistles, it was the happiest few hours of my life.

EVELYNWould you stop!

(EVELYN tries to seize the letter)

VIRGINIAGoodbye cruel world where the love between a hunchbacked, illiterate grunting French peasant and a clever American world cannot be celebrated. I shall remember you all fondly –

(EVELYN tries again to grab the letter, but VIRGINIA runs away from her, still reading.)I leave all my clothes and worldly possessions to my younger sister, Virginia, who has always been a light for me in difficult times. And then she’s made a series of obscene drawings which I cannot show to you.

EVELYNYou’re ruining my death!

VIRGINIAYou’re not dead!

EVELYNRead it the right way!

VIRGINIAToo bad! You can’t say anything about it! Maybe you should come to your wedding and read your suicide note yourself!

EVELYNMaybe I will!

(Pause.)Oh ho ho. Very clever, Ginny. Very clever, but I am not about to show up to my wedding to explain my death. That is not going to happen.

VIRGINIAThat’s your choice. After I read the letter, though, Charles is going to be breathing a big sigh of relief. Dodged a bullet, as they say. It’s a very revealing letter. Heaps of terrible secrets you were hiding.

EVELYNIt’s not going to work.

VIRGINIAFine.

101

EVELYNFine.

VIRGINIASo you’re still going to go?

EVELYNOne hundred percent. But first – let’s plan my funeral. I’m hoping for a big crowd.

(Lights down.)

(End of play.)