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@Good evening,I'm lnspector Carter Take mY case.This must be Charles Haversham.l'm sorry, this must've given You alla damn shock.

After benefitting from a large and suddeninheritance, the inept and accident-proneCornley Polytechnic Drama Society embark onproducing an ambitious 1920s murder mystery.

They are delighted that neither casting issues

nor technical hitches currently stand in theirway. However, disaster ensues and the cast

start to crack under the pressure, but can theyget the production back on track before thefinal cudain falls?

The Play That Goes Wrong is a hilarious,farcical murder mystery, a play-within-a-play, conceived and performed by award-winning company Mischief Theatre. lt wasfirst performed at the Old Red Lion Theatre,lslington before transferring to Trafalgar Studiosin 201 3. This edition features the updated, two-act script, developed for the production's tour

and West End transfer to the Duchess Theatrein2O14.

'lmmaculately staged . . . roused even a staidmatinee audience to hysterics'The Times

'Genuinely hilarious . . . Boy, does it hit the funny

bone'Daily Telegraph

'Reduced to tears of ioy . . . I haven't laughed somuch for years' lndependent on Sunday

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BY HENRY LEWIS, JONATHAN SAYERAND HENRY SHIELDS

B L O OM S B U RY

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Cover 0esign, Dragonfly Design

Photography: Alastair Muir

ISBN 978-1 -4742-21494-7

Also available

trom Bloomsbury

DRAMA & PERFORMANCE STUDIES www.bloomsbury.com

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Henry LewisrJonathan Sayer and Henry ShieldsFROM AN ORIGINAL CONCEPT BY HENRY LEWIS

The Play That Goes WrongWrsion in hso acts

Third edition

Bloomsbury Methuen Drama

An imprint olBloomsbury Publishing Plc

BLOOMSBURY1.r).\t)()\. \lli\ l)i:t.ilt. \1..r\ \'(rRK . s\l)\i.i

Bloo-"bury Methuen DmAn imprint of Bloomsbury Publishing Plc

50 Bedford Square 1385 BroadwayIondon New York

WCIB 3DP NY IOO18UK USA

Imprintpreviously known as Methuen Dmma

wwrr.bloomsbury.cornBLooMsBuRy, METHTIEN DRAMA and the Diana logo

a.re trademarks of Bloornsbury poSlishing PlcI st edition in one act published 20 I 3

2nd edition in trryo acts first published 20143rd edition in two acts with changes to script first published 2015

O Henry Lewis,Jonathan Sayer and Henry Shields 2013, 2014, 2015

Henry Lewis,Jonathan Sayer and Henry Shieldshave asserted their right under the Copyright, Designs

and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the authors of this work.

All rights resewed. No part of this publication may be reproducedor transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical,

including photocopyrng, recording, or any information storage orretrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publishen.

No responsibfity for loss caused to any individual or organisation actingon or refraining from action as a result ofthe material in this publication

can be accepted by Bloomsbury or the author.

This version ofthe text went to print before the end ofreheanalsand may differ slighdy from the version performed.

All rights whatsoever in this play are stricdy reserved and application forperformance etc. should be made before rehearsals begin by professionals

to United Agents, 12-16 lcxington Street, London WlF OLEand by amateurs to Bloomsbury Methuen Drama

([email protected]). No performancemay be given unless a license has been obtained.

No rights in incidental music or songs contained in the work are herebygranted and performance rights for any performance/presentationwhatsoever must be obtained from the respective copyright owners.

British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication DataA catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

ISBN: PB: 97 B- | - +7 42- 449 4-7ePDF: 978- I -47 42-+4954ePub: 978- I -4742-4497 -B

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication DataA catalog record for this book is available from the Library ofCongress

Typeset by Country Setting, Kingsdown, Kent CTI4 BES

ffu Plq thnt Goes Wrongwas first presented under the 6tJre TfuMurder Bgfore Christrnas on 4 December 2012 at the Old RedLion Theatre in Angel, Islington, with the following cast:

Cbris Henry ShieldsJonathan Stephen LeaskRobert Henry Lewisf)snnis Jonathan SayerSandra Charlie RussellMax Dave HearnAnrrie Nancy WallingerTrevor Rob FalconerThe production then extended under its new title The playthat Goes Wrong, opening on 12 March 20lS atthe samevenue with the following cast changes:

Jonathan Henry LewisRobert Greg TannahilSandra Lotti MaddoxThe production then transferred to Tralalgar Studios, openingon 30 April 2013 with the following cast changes:

Jonathan JoshuaElliottRobert Henry LewisThe production extended at Tralhlgar Studios with thefollowing cast change:

Jonathan Greg TannahilThe Trafalgar Studios production was produced by Old RedLion Theatre and Mischief Theatre with the followingproduction team:

Director Mark BellDaigner Henry LewisLightmg Designn Scottlqrge-JonesCostume Designer Bryony MyersStage Manager Thomas PlattGmnal Manager Nicholas Thompson

-The production transferred to the Duchess Theatre inLondon's West End with the following cast and creative team:

Trevor Rob FalconerChris Henry ShieldsJonathan GregTannahillRobert Henry Lewisf)snnis Jonathan SayerSondra Charlie RussellMax Dave HearnAnnie Nancy WallingerJill Alys MetcalfPhil Leonard CookMale understud2 Leonard CookFemale understud2 Alys Metcalf

Director Mark BellSet Designer Nigel HookLighting Duigner Ric MountjoyCostume Designer Roberto SuraceOiginal Musit Rob Falconer

The Play That Goes Wrong

,,/.

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Production Notes

The stage direction'vamp'denotes improvised dialogue oraction to cover something.

An underlined letter in the text indicates a mispronunciationin that part of the word.

A forward slash ( / ) denotes the next line beginning midwayat this point in the current line.

Sandra's appearance from the clock in Act Two should beachieved through having her secretly enter the long-case clockwhile it is being moved and another actress's arm in the samecostume reaching through the door to ensure an instantteleportation effect.

The pre-show and interval activity should be subtle, incidentaland never draw the full attention of the audience.

If possible Trevor should be visible throughout the show in a'technical area'where he is supposedly operating the show.He should not, however, dominate the scene atany point ashis presence, while important, must be incidental to the mainaction. It is best if he is positioned in the auditorium in a boxor at the back ofthe stalls and not on the stage.

Charactersin order of appearmue

Arrnie, tfu compoqtl stage mnntgE Inncashire arcentStage Crew, tlu Cornlqt Polytechnic stage crewTrevor, tlu companlt's kShtt ry and sound operatorChris, l"o.d of tlu dro.tna socizfi, directnr of tlu plq and plays

'Inspector Cartn'

JonatJran, y' lqts'Charlzs Hat ersltam'Robeti, plqts'Tlwmns CollEmoore'D enni's, p lqt s'Perkins'lMax, plEts 'Cecil Hanershnm' and Arthur'Sandra" play'Fl"orence Collzymoore'

The action takes place on the opening night of the CornleyPolytechnic Drama Society's production of the murdermystery play Murdn at Hattnsham Manor, written by SusieH.K. Brideswell.

CHARACTERS IN THE MURDER MYSTERT PLAYCharles Haversharr! deuasdThomas Colleymoore, Clwrles' old schoolfindPerkinq Chnrbs'butlzrCecil Haversharry Clwrlzs' brothurFlorence Colleymoorg Clwrlzs'ftancie and Tlnmas' sistnInspector Carteq an esteerwd local inspectorArthur, tlu gardmcr at Hanersham Manor

The action takes place in Charles'private rooms at HavershamManor on the evening of Charles and Florence's engagementparry. Winter 1922-

Act One

Tlu senilgis tlu piuate rooms of Charlzs Hawshnm" a)oug wealtlgtman of tlu paiod. TIu rooms occupy a wholz wing of HawrshamManor and are split on to hpo lnek. Thz groundfuor consists q1f acarpetcd hunge area. Tltne is one door cmtre stage with thzfunnel of auobe-pipe ard, a baromettr horgry on eitlvr side of tfu door and a hry-case clock stnnding to tlu lefi of it. A lnrge hnaldb shield hangs aboae tludoor Thzre is a large uindow in tlu cenhe of thz stage with red aehtetcwtains chsed oaer it. A chaise longw stands dowrutage cmtre, a smalltablz *age right with a tekphone and a aase on it There is afireplacestage right with a porhait of a dog hargilg abooe it, hto swords are hungon eitha side of it, and a coal scuttlz stnnds in tlu hzarth.

On tlu uppn leuel we see a stud2 area" compbte with boolcsluhta stageright starlud with fuay lzatlw-bound aolumes and papers, Clwrhs'bureau benmth a small window with a clwir set at it next to a globe-shaped drinl$ trollzy. There is a door to tlu stage lzfi sidz of tlu upperlnel lzading to a bark staircase. A k gt tropfu pkque hmrys on one sideof tlu door ond anotherfannel of tfu uoice-pipe hangs on th,e other Thseis a small sqfe built into tfu upstnge door

Tfu tuofuors are connectzd b7 an old-fashioned eleaator stage I$ doorschsed on tlu lower and upper lnek.

pRE-sHow Acrrvrry As tlu audimce enter; Annie (tlu StaeManager) lvrak fu tlufreplnre tryug to attach a mantzlpfuce to it. Slurealises slu can't hold it and nail at thz sa.mt time. Slufetclus an audimcemanber n hold it in poition and continues to try and nail it on. SIudisappears aroutd tlu batk of tluJlats tofetch somcthing lzafutg tluaudiznce member standing thne with thz mantelpiece. The audizncemmtbr luars aoicesfom behind ttufut - Anaie sa2ing'Mind2our-firy, drill bit comhg through', Trevor sayhg'Hweyou used thatb{ore?, Annie sayhg'No'. A diililg noise is luardfom behind tlufut Then silmce. Annie eaenhralf reappears and tlu audinue mernberis smt back to thdr seat. Tlu mantzlpfuce is still not attatlud.

-

a

6 The PIay That Goes Wrong

Two members o/ Stage Crew search the stalk and circle.for a missingDuran Duran CD with torches. Trevor stands in the stalk; on hisradio he tells nno members of the audience that tlryt are sitting beneath afaultl stage light.

House music drops to a lower leuel and tlu house lights dim.

Trevor Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcometo this evening's performance of The Murder at HauashamManor. Can I kindly request that you switch offyour mobiletelephones and other electronic devices and please notephotography of any kind is strictly prohibited. Also if anyonefinds a Duran Duran CD box set in the auditorium, I needthat back, please hand it to one ofthe ushers at the end oftheperformance. Enjoy the show.

House lights gofull2 out. Silntce.

Trevor (ouer the speakers) Alright, stand by for Act One, notefor the cast the dog is still missing, we need to find him beforehis entrance. . .

Chris Trevor! Trevor!Sound cuts off Anfie still hasn'tfnisfud the mantelpiece. Chrisentersfrom around tlu back of theflats in the darkness.

Chris Leave it.Just leave it.Annie We nged it. . .Chris We h,aven't got time.Annie hurries off behind thefla6 taking the mantelpiece and tools withher Spotlight clmes up and cuh off Chris' head.

Chris Good evening, ladies . . .He steps into it.

. . . and gentlemen and welcome to the Cornley PolytechnicSociety's spring production of The Murder at Haaersham Afianor.I would like to personally welcome you to what will be mydirectorial debut, and my first production as head of thedrama society.

Act One 7

We are particularly excited to present this play because, forthe first time in the society's history, we have managed to finda play that fits the company's numbers perfectly. If we'rehonest, a lack of numbers has hampered past productions, suchas last year's Chekov play; Two Sisters. Or last Christmas's TheLion and the Wardrobe, and of course our summer musical, Cal.

This will be the first time the society has been able to stage aplay of this scale and we are thrilled. ft's no secret we usuallyhave to contend with a small budget, as we had to in last year'spresentation of Roald Dahl's classic, James and the Peach. Ofcourse, during the run of that particular show the peach wentoll and we were forced to present a hastily devised alternativeentitled James ! Where's lour Peach?

Finally we've managed to stage a play as it should be, and castit exceptionally well. I'm sure no one will forget the problemswe've faced with casting before, such as 2010's Christmaspresentation of Snow White and the Tall, Broad Gentlnnen, orindeed our previous year's pantomime, another Disney classic:USb...andtlrcBeast.

But now, on with the main event, which I am confident will beour best show yet! So without any further ado, please put yourhands together for Susie H.K. Brideswell's thrilling whodunit -The Murder at Hutersham Manor

Chris exits'into the wings and tlu stage lightsfode to bhck.

Jonathan (pl"lin7 Chailes Hauersham) mtns through the darlcness.He trips andfalk ouer The lights suddenl2 come up onJolrrathran onthefuor Hefrceau. The lights go out again as he tnkes up his positilsn,dead, on the chaise longue, arm outstretched on to thefloor The lightscome up again just before he'sfull2 in position. Robert (plol*gThomas Colle2moore) andDennis (llqirg Perkins the Butler) can beheard offi approaching the downstairs door

Robert (01fl Charley! Are you ready? We're all waitingdownstairs to raise a glass to your engagementl Charley?

He knocks on the door

B The Play That Goes Wrong

(Off.) Come along now, Charley, you've been in there forhours now. If I didn't know better I'd say you were havingsecond thoughts about the wedding. (Chuckks.) Hang it all,Charley, if you won't come out, I'll come in! (Trizs handlz.)Damn it! He's locked the door. Hand me those keys, Perkins.

Dennis (o;f) Here they are, Mr Colleymoore.Robert (01fl Thank you, Perkins. Let's get this door open.lVe're coming in, Charleyl We're coming in!

He ties to open the door; but it won't budge.

(Off.)There we are. We're in.

Robert andDennis dart around the side of the set to enter

Robert But, what's this? Charles, unconscious?Dennis Asleep surely, Mr Colleymoore?Robert Damn it, Perkins, I hope so.Denrris I'll take his pulse.He talces Jorratban's puke on the ide of hisface.

Robert Blast! I knew something was wrong, it's so unlikeCharles to disappear like this.

DeniJ. Sir, he's dead!Lighk snap to red. Dramatic musical spike. Lights map back to gmeralstate.

Robert Dead?! Damn it, Perkins, he can't bel He's myclosest friend!

Dennis He's not breathing, sir, and there's no hint of aheartbeat!

Robert I'm dumbfoundedl He was right as rain an hour ago.He crosses infont of the chaise longue, heading onJorrat}ian'soutstretclted hand.

Act One 9

Dennis I don't understand. He was a fit as a fiddle. Hecan't be dead. It doesn't make sense.

Robert Of course it makes sense. He's been murderedlLights change to red again. The same dramatic musical spike. Lightschange back to general state.

Robert Good God - where's Florence?f)snnis In the dining room, sir, shall I fetch her?Robert At once, Perkins, and quickly.f)snni5 But she's bound to have one of her hystericalepisodes, sir!

Robert Damn it! Gather everyone in here! Charles! Dead!What a horror!

Dennis rushes to the uoice-pipe on the wall and calk to the rest of thehouse. Robert remoaes his jacket.

f)snni5 (into the aoice-pipe, echoing) Lounge to dining room!Cecil! Miss Colleymoore! Come to Charles'private rooms atonce. Charles Haversham has been murdered.

Robert But do you think it was murder, Perkins?He hargs his jackA up on a hook on the wall. Thz hook and his jaclut

falk to tfufloor

. . . Or do you think perhaps it was suicide?

Dennis Suicidel Mr Haversham? Not possible! There neverwas a man with more zest for life than Charles Haversham.He was young, rich and soon to be married, why on earthwould he commit suicide?

Robert But why on earth would anyone murder him?Charles was such gentle fellow.

psnnis He was generous, kind, a true . . . (Reads the wordfrom his hand and mispronlunces zt ) philanthrspist. He never hadan enemy in his life.

l0 The Play That Goes Wrong

Robert Until today it seems.[snni5 Shall I telephone the police, sir?Robert The police? They wouldn't make it out here for daysin this snowstorm.

Opns tlu curtnins to reuealfalling paper mowflnkes. Closes tlu curtainsagain.

I'll telephone Inspector Carter, he lives just the other side ofthe village. (Hcks up receiaer) He'll be here in next to no time.Hand me the receiver, Perkins.

He realises hz alreadl has the receiuer

Thank you, Perkins.

f)snni5 sits onJolaLat}'anl lzg

Robert Good evening. Give me Inspector Carter! . . . Iknow it's late! . . . Damn it, I don't care about the weather.There's been a murder! Someone's murdered CharlesHaversham!

Lights change to red. A musical spike pla2s again. The spike plrysforfar too Long EaentualQ thc lxghts change back to gazeral statc.

Robert That's right!Trevor (oaer thz speakzrs) Sound effect error on cue four.

Robert'-firank you. (Hongs rzp.) He's on his way.

f)snnis Inspector Carter?Robert They say he's best damn inspector in the district,he'll crack this case and quick.

Dennis Very good, sir, and what shall I do?Robert Lock every door, man!He crosses tlu stage again. Dennisfollows. Jonatha- slmrplt moueshis hand out of tfu wry of Robert3;60t. Once Robert has passed

Jonathan repLaces his hnnd. Dennis heads on it.

Act One l l

Robert Not a soul gets out of Haversham Manor until thekiller is found!

f)6n-is At once. sir.Robert And assemble everyone in here.Dennis Right away, sir!He goes to leate through the door5 but it still won't budge. He opms theftnt of tfu long-case clock next to the door and gets inside instzad.Robert Good God! Charles Haversham murdered at hisown engagement pafty! (Turns sharpl' to the door.) Florence!

Sandra tries to get through the door

Sandra (01fl Charley! No! I can't believe what I'm seeing.She appears in the window, holding apart the curtains.

My God, he looks so frail lying there. His skin is cold to thetouch.

Robert No, don't touch him, Florence!Sondra I must!Robert You mustn'tlSandra Unhand me, you controlling brute!Robert pretends to release Sandra's hand.

So-dra Oh, who could do such a thing! The night of ourengagement parry! Cecil! Q,uick! Your brother's dead!

f)gnni5 This way, Master Haversham!M"*(0fl I'm coming, Miss Colleymoore!Tlu door suddml bursts open reuealing Max, Trevor, Anllie andhuo members o/ Stage Crew nho h.aae all bem attanpting to open it.TIry all quirkfu run off Seeing tD4 Sandra followsMaxin.Max Brother? Dead! It can't be!Robert Calm yoursell Cecil. Pour him a stiffdrink, Perkins.

12 The Play That Goes Wrong

Dennis Right away, sir! Charles always kept scotch upstairsin his study.

He gets into the elmator carriage. The elzuator rises to the upper lnel wdf)snni5 emerges and walks ooer to tlu dinks trollelt.Max My brother had the finest collection of scotch in thecounty.

Robert Don't you think I know that? He was my best friend.Max Well, he was my brother, Thomas.Robert Hang it all, Charley dead.Sandra I can't bear it.Robert You aren't to leave my sight this evenins, Florence.Dennis opens thz dinlcs cabinet and seizes afull bottle of scotch andholds it up.

Dennis Oh my god! He's drunk the whole bottlel (He speakinto the uobe-pipe.) There's not a drop left!

Robert (into the aoicrpipe) Hang it all, there . . .

Deanis realises and ties to get rid of the scotcl4 pouring it out into theaoice-pipe. Tlu scotch spurts lut o;f Robertt end of the uoice-pipe alloaa him. He quickfu grabs the coal scuttle and catches the liquid inide

f)snni5 There's not a drop left! (The bottle is nou anpQ.)Robert Vf, tk uoicrpipe) Hang it all! There'll be another inthe cabineil-

frgnnis pvlhtces the empl bottle lu should hwe got tlufrst time.

Dennis Yes, this one's full.Robert This is horrifying! I mean, who on earth would havea motivation to murder Charles Haversham?

Dennispzls it tfu bottlz to a hal along withfour glnsses. Dennisdescmds in tlu eleuator and walks past the window. As he passes tluwindow, Annie leans through and exchanges the empQ bottlefor afullplastic bottle of whitz spznl with a largeflammable ymbol on it Hedoesn't see the swixh.

Act One l3

Sandra I can't imagine!Max It's madness! My brother was a good man! Who wouldkill him? I'm in shock, Thomas.

Robert As am I, Cecil!As am I!Sandra It's more than my neryes can take! I'm becominghysterical!

Robert No, Florence! Not another one of your episodes!Calm yourself. Here, take one of your pills.

Max Florence! Don't lose your head!Sandra begins to scream and poundJorat}'an's chest. Jolrathan

Jlinclus.

Max I feel I shall pass out, Thomas!Robert Perkins! Pour that man a stiffdrink!f)snnis hands a glnss lo Max"

Max Thank you, Perkins.Dennis poars the 'scotch' into lN[.axI glass. Sandra becomes calmer

Robert There, there, Florence, well done, deep breaths.Sandra It's terrible!Just a week after our engagement!Max He was a good brother.He drinlcs the white spiit. He suddmly spits it back out.

That's the best scotch I've ever tasted.

Robert Have another, to calm your nerves.Max Make it a double!Dsniis psurs another glnss of white spirit. l0'[.ax drink it again. Hespits it out again.

Sandra Oh! My Charles! My Charles! My head is spinning!Max Clam down, Florence.Dennis Another scotch. sir?

l+ The Play That Goes Wrong

Max YeslSandra I can't believe Charles was sat in here alone,drinking, when he was supposed to be downstairs with us.

Max My brother wasn't as happy as he led people to believe.Underneath that cheerful mask lay a darker side to the manthat many didn't know about.

Dennis It's true, his smile was often just a (Readsfom hishand.) facgde. I was fortunate enough to be one of the onlypeople he truly confided in. I've lost a real friend today.

Robert We all have, Perkins. Hang it all, I knew Charlieever since school.

Sandra I don't know how I'll ever recover from this.Robert You'll move back home with me. I'm vour brotherand I'll have it no other way.

Max Perkins is right, my brother was hiding a deep sense ofmelancholy and resentment. There's no doubt in my mind; itwas suicide.

Dennis Suicide, Mr Haversham? How can you say that! Ofcourse not; it's murder! Murder in the first degree!

Max Nonsense, the man was paranoid, jealous, and I canprove it! Perkjns, hand me his journal from the mantelpiece!

Anniet hand reachts through the door and holds tlu journal in poiionabozte thefrePkee:Dennis passes it to Max-

Max Why, look at the last entry. (Ifo, bohing at tlu journal.)'I fear Florence does not love me. The night of ourengagement party; despair engulfs my soul.'

San&a But I love Charles with all my heart!Denrris takes the journal and returns it to the mantclpieu; itfallsstraight to thefuor AnnieS hand reaches through the window to h1and catch it but she misses.

Max As I said! Driven mad with paranoia and jealousy.

Act One l5

All gasp andface out. Silence. Tlu cast waitfor a sound ffict thatdoesn't happm. Eaentualfu a loud door chime sounds, late.

NI (react) The inspector!Sandra Thank heavens he's here!Chris (!@inS'Inspector Carter) mtns through the door, coaaed inpaper snowflakes, carrlting an attachi case.

Chris \A/hat a terrible snowstorm. Good evening, I'mInspector Carter. Take my case.

Dennis Yes, Inspector.Chris hands his case toDenniq who places it on thefloor b7 thetable.

Chris This must be Charles Haversham! I'm sorry; thismust've given you all a damn shock.

Sandra It did, we're all still reeling.Chris Naturally. Are any of you the deceased's immediatefamily?

Max I'm Cecil Haversham. I'm his brother.Sandra (smiling) I'm Florence Colleymoore. I'm his fianc6.Tonight was our engagement party.

Chris \A&rat a damn sad thing. I take it everyone isassembled in here?

Robert Yes. The only other member of staffis Arthur thegardener. I saw him and Winston leaving for the weekend,hours ago.

Chris Winston?Robert His guard dog.Chris I see. Very well. You! Have you poured everyone astiffdrink?

Dennis Yes, Inspector.

tr-


He holds out tfu tray *rd tful all talu a glnss. psnnis remoues thztray ktockirgJonatha- on tlu hzad-

Max Let us raise a glass to the man we all loved: to Charles.All Charles!Thry all dink tlu whitz spirit. Tl,q Sog, spit it out and recoun l0f;zxholfu tlu whitc spiit in his mouth.

Chris Delicious.Sandra Excellent.Robert Lovely. That's a damn fine bottle, Perkins, what'sthe vintage?

f)snni5 (reads tlu hbel) Flammable and corrosive, sir.Chris Listen, you all must be distraught, but forgive me, thesooner I can begin my enquiries, the sooner we can all get tothe bottom of this ghastly business.

lMax spits out his whitc spirit. Chris deposits his notebook on tluteblc.

Chris (to Dennis) If you'd be so kind as to bring the bodyup to the study, so I can examine it.

fsnni5 Yes, Inspector.R:\"t I'll lend you a hand, Perkins.Chrid Then lock all the doors to the house and prepare thisroom/I'll conduct my enquiries down here afterwards.

Dennis Inspector.Aan tfu nextfew llzar Dennis brings in a stretchq Robert azdf)snnis lry tfu stretcher on thzfuor infont of tfu chaise Inngte andtlry tlvn try tn l!fiJonzt}ranup but can't. Tlult roll him of tluclaise Longw on to tlufuor

Max Any ideas on the cause of death, Inspector?Chris Couldbe a number of things. Suffocxion, strangulation,poison. Before fully examining the body I wouldn't like to say.

Act One 17

Sandra How could someone do it?Chris Try not to think about it, Miss Colleymoore. OnceI've finished downstairs I'll speak to you each individually andthen perhaps you can get some space, to calm your nerves.

Robert andDennis lifi the shetchu up, tlw cantas tears of tlushetchcr andRobert andDennis are bfi hoUingjust tlu poles. Tlrylcarry just tfu polzs of throryh tfu doorSandra Thank you, Inspector, this is all more than I canbear.

Chris I'll retum presently, as soon as I've finished examiningthe body.

He exits, shutting thr door behind him Jonathan realises that lu ismtant to hute ban carrizd ff ord slnwfu starts to get up @irg not to beseat and exits towards tlu doo6 draggtng tlu stretclur canoas with him.Sandra andMax stare atJonathan ar lu slnwl, leaaes throughthz door and shuts it behind him.

Max Thank God they've gone!Robert aTylfrsnnis ater throtqh thz upstairs dnor, carryhry amimed bod1.

Robert Good lord, Perkins, his body weighs a tonne!Chris So this is Charles' study. Set the body down there,gentlemen.

Dennis It's such a tragedy for a man to die just threemonths before he is to be married.

Robert andDennis dzposit the mimed bodl on tlufuor by tludounstage edge of the upper leael

Robert I can't stand it.Just look at him lying there.[snnis This is most - (Cluck hnnd.) morgse.Robert Morose indeed.Lights shifi to dounstnirs.

lB The Play That Goes Wrong

Sandra Cecil! We must tread carefully! It would be easy forthe two of us to become implicated in Charles'death. If theyfind out about us, we'll be suspects!

Max You and I are having an affair, so what? It doesn'tmean we killed him.

Sandra Of course not! But that's what the Inspector willthink!

Max It's fine, we'll just carry on as if everything's just as itwas.

He sits on tfu chaise longu and discouers a ledger under tlu cushions. Incoryfiuion lu moaes it under the chaise longue.

Max Except now you won't be forced to marry my beastlybrother.

Sandra And soon we can be together and not keep secrets.lr/lax crosses to stnge lefi.

Max But now, with my brother out of the picture, I mustask you one question.

He goes down on one kna. L@hts shifi to upstairs.

Dennis It's so strange to think of Charles being dead.

Jgnathan4(d again-

OY"nis

opens the upstairs door and creeps in to talu up his position:

He was such an influence on all our lives.

It's almost as though he's still alive in the room

Act One l9

Chris produces a tin of powda and a brush. He passes Dennis tlwtin.

Chris Check his pockets, Thomas.Robert Inspector.He searches Jorat}ralo-'s poclcets but cannotfnd the prop hz is supposedtofnd. Afir afew momentsJonathan reachzs into his inside jarkapoclrct and produces a lettzr and passes zl lo Robert

Robert @n libs) Thank you, Charles.

Chris And now to dust the body for fingerprints.Robert \4lhat was that?I)snnis Sir?Robert I could have sworn I just saw him breathing.f)snni5 Breathing, si -He drops the tin of powder It coaersJonathan's;face, causing him ncough loudly.

Chris Nonsense, Colleymoore! This man is dead!Lights sh!fi to dowrutairs. Jonathan continues to cough.

Max Florence, would you do me the honour of becomingmy wife? Marry me!

Jonathan cotqlu again more uiolcntly and slips of the edge of tluupper lnel and grabs hold of the edge of thefuor Rober( Dennisand Cbtis try to pull him back up butJorrat}rzn thm loses his gipand drops down to the lower leael, landing betutemMax and Sandra-

Max Charles is dead. He can never come between us again.

Jonathan slowlt gets up, rehieues the canaas and moaes back outtowards the door He goes and closes the door, shuttirry tlu shetcher canaasin it. He pulk tlu canuas through the crack in the doo6 but the last bitgets stuck; he hgs at it, causing the door to swing open, reaeakng hirn.Sandra closes the door

Max Charles is gone and he's never coming back.

--

Robertwith us.

ChrisPerkins.

Seeing a cadaver for the first time can be unsettling,

He seesJonathanondjumps a littlz.

Chris I need you to pull yourself together and help me todust his personal belongings for fingerprints.

Dennis Of course, Inspector.


Lights sh4fr to upstairs-

Chris Thank you, gentlemen. Now we have looked over thebody, perhaps you would take it out to the service quarters forthe coroner to collect in the morning.

Dennis Of course, Inqpector.Robert andDennis kfi tlu stretchn polzs up and carrlt tlwn out ofthe upstairs door

Chris Check all of the doors are locked, Perkins.[6nnis Inspector.Chris And Colleymoore, perhaps you could fetch me apencil and my notebook from downstairs.

Robert Naturally.

Jonathan re-entcrs, sees tlwn and erits again

Robert @n libl After you, Charles.Robert andDennis exit Tlu lights sh!ft ta dnwnstnirs.

So-dra Verywell, I shall marryyou. ,Max Florence! Come into my arms.Sandra I shall!Max One embrace!s".("

,onRobek6zzsts

CeciM love

in.

Robert The Inspector requires a pencil! What on earth'sgoing on in here?

Sandra Sorry, I felt flustered! Cecil was cooling my brow!Robert Very well, ifyou'll excuse me, I have the pencil.He sea thnt thse is no pmcil. In a panb lu grabs tlu set of key. Heexils, clostng tfu door

Max Thank God he's gone! That man's such a nuisance!

Act One 2l

Sandra He is my brother!Max kt me kiss youlJust once!Sandra Oh, Cecil! Kiss me a thousand times! I'm yours!Dennis burcts in.

Dennis Sorry to disturb you, Miss Colleymoore, MrHaversham, I've come to collect the keys to lock us all inside.

Max Thank you, Perkins, they're by the telephone.f)snnis sas tlu ke2s gone and instzad pbk up tlu lwpector's notebook.

Dennis I shall lock the doors at once.He exix with tlu lrupector\ nottbook

Sandra You don't think Perkins suspects us, do you?Max That old fool, of course not.Sandra Oh, enough words! Take me!Robert bursts in

Robert I forgot the Inspector's notebook . . . What in God'sname. . . !

Sandra I was about to faint! Cecil caught me!Robeft I haven't time for this! Now I have the Inspector'snotebook, I'll be on my way.

He sus tJu notebook has gone. He tal*s tlu aase instead and exits.

Max Blastedintemrptions!Sandra Kiss me, Cecil!Max I want you Florence! You make my heart beat out ofmy chest!

Sandra Your eyes send me into a dream! Kiss me, Cecil, Ican't wait a second longer!


Pawe. Dennis is supposed tn haue burst in. ThzT look at tfu doorVamp. Eamtualfi is,f'ax frirses Sandra intcnsefu. Just thnt f)snni5bursts in k4 holding hpo candlesticks.f)snni5 Sorry to interrupt, Mr Haversham, MissColleymoore. I've come to prepare the room.

Max Thank you, Perkins. Put them on the mantelpiece.f)snni5 walk to the mantelpizce with the candlpstilks. He gou to putthern doun and ltnnie lzans through thefreplace and holds tlumantelp'izce in position. A cartouchz on thefreplace slips down andreueak Ltnie\face. Shz stares out at the othas.

Max At last we're a]one.Annie continues to stare awlalardl2fom thefireplace.

Sandra Oh Cecil! Let's run away from here! Far away!Together!

Max Soon, my love, but we must be carefirl. We mustn'tarouse suspicion.

Sandra Cecil, tell me, who do you think killed Charles?Max There's no question in my mind, Florence, he waskilled by your brother, Thomas Colleymoore!

Sandra My brother! \Ay'hat a devil of a situation this is!

Jonathan yil^A bursts through the door holding a gun.

Jonathan ..Not so fast, Inspector!lMax and Sandra stnre at}oloragan, whl realises he has comt inmuch too early and hurriedfu exits.

Sa'.dra But, why would Thomas want Charles dead?Max Isn't it obvious? He was always bitter and possessivewhen it came to you! He didn't like the idea of his best friendmarrying his sister. He saw you together at tonight's engagementparty night and it drove him half mad and he snapped andkilled Charles!

Act One 23

Sandra But, if it is Thomas, what if our affair is discovered?Max I don't think there's any doubt. He would try and killus, just like he killed Charles!

Sandra Oh,I feel faint again!Max Don't worry, FlorencelJust follow my lead . . .Chris opens the door.

Chris I'm sorry to have kept you . . .The heraldic shizld swings down and hits Chris in theface. He hastil,re-hangs it.

Chris . . . but now I have inspected the body and Charles'study more closely, our interviews can proceed. (Calk throtqhthe door) Perkins! Bring in Charles' personal e{Iects.

f,)snni5 enters with lots of bul@ personal props including a leazr

Dennis Where would you like them, Inspector?Chris Set them down on the mantelpiece.Dennis As you wish, Inspector.Chris realises what he's said Dennis caries thz props ouer toAnnie, who is still holding up the mantelpis6s. Dsnnis hands her theitems carefulj. Arrrrie struggles under the weight of the mantelpiecethroughout the next exchange. Silznce. Dennis is supposed to leale butdoem't.

Chris Don't go, Perkins.Dennis goes to leaue and then stops. He sits down on the chaise longue-

Chris I'd like to ask you a few questions first. Mr Havenham.Miss Colleymoore, perhaps you'd be so kind as to give us amoment's privacy.

Max Naturally.Max andSandra exit.

Chris Don't just stand there, Perkins. Take a seat.

-2+ The Play That Goes Wrong

f)snnis runairu ining He takes out a cigarette case.

Dennis May I?Chris Go ahead. How are you feeling, Perkins?f)snnis A little shaken sir, but I'll be fine.He goes n light himself a cigarette, but burns his hand and drEs tfumatch into the coal scuttle, whne it ignites tlu 'scotch'. Annie rsalarmed b7 thefire and drops all of the props loudQ on to thefloorTirifrcd, slu ruslus off into th" *irgt.

Chris You were close with Charles Haversham?f)snnis Yes, sir, very close.Chris You don't appear very upset by his death.Dennis On the contrary, I've barely taken it in. Oh, he wassuch a kindly, charming man.

Chris lt's true.Detttris You met him?Chris Once, briefly at the local police station, he . . .Robert runs out;from behind thefux with afire extinguishn and putsout thefire. He reakses fu\ been seen.

Robert (ad libs) Evening, Inspector. We require the coal inthe library. (Or simikr)

He withdraws, carrling the coal scuttlz with him.

Chris Once, briefly at the local police station, he . . .Robert (01fl Of course they didn't notice.

Chris FIe came in as a consultant on a fraud case I wasworking on.

Dennis I see.Chris How long have you been working at llavershamManor?

Act One 25

f,)snni5 Eighty irears.Chris Eighty / yearc?Dennis (corrects hinself) Eight years.

Chris Eight years. And have you enjoyed your time here?f)snni5 My time with Mr Haversham has been nothing buta joy. I feel that since I've come here I have been seen not onlyas a butler but also as a friend and a confidant; if you need meI'll be in my quarters, exits.

Chris Exits.Dennis Exits![snnis realises and turns to go.Chris If you'd be so kind as to send in Florence Colleymooreon your way out.

Sandra bursts in,followed b1 Robert Dennis exils.Sandra No need, I'm already here! Don't ask too much ofme Inspector, I feel fragile as glass.

Chris At last, Colleymoore. You found me a pencil?Robert Yes, Inspector.Hands Cbltis the ke2s.

Chris And my notebook?Robert hands Chtis the uase.

Chris I knew I'd left them somewhere. Now I must to speakto your sister alone.

Robert Very well. I'll be in the library, Florence.He exits. Chris questionr Sandra making notes with the keys andtase.

Chris Don't fret, Miss Collelrynoore, my questions will bebrief and to the point and then you can get some rest. Firstly,how old are you, Miss Colleymore?

.-r


Sr-dra Twenty-one.Chris I'll make a note of that. (Trfus to makr a notz on tlu aase.)When were you and your fianc6 due to be married?

Sandra In the newyear.Chris wites on uase again.

Chris When did you first meet?Sandra Only seven months ago, but my brother has knownhim since school. He introduced us at a local gala and it wasIove at first sight. I knew from the very first moment I saw himthat he was the man I wished to marry.

Chris Well, I think that's enough note-taking for now.Sandra comes'in a line too eaily.

Sandra When you love someone there's no such thing asrushing, Inspector.

Chris Did you ever think you were rushing into thismarriage?

Sandra rrtVhy wouldn't I love him?Chris Did you love him, then?Sandra Howcouldanyone havebenefited?Chris Can you think of anyone who might have . . .benefited from your fianc6's death?

Sandra Cecil?!Chris Not even Cecil?Sandra I wasn't having an affair! Don't raise your voice tome, Inspector!

Chris YOU WERE HAVING AN AFFAIR!S,-dra (slaps Chris) Don't tell me to calm down!Chris Calm down, Miss Colleymoore. (Rzads to skp.)

Act One 27

Sandra \ /hich letter?Chris Then how do you explain this letter?Annie has taken the letter of and she passu it back through the"firefkce.

Sandra You've read my letter? Where did you find it?Chris I'll tell you which letter! The one addressed to Cecil,written in your hand, declaring your love for him and how thethought of marrying Charles repulsed you.

Sandra Charles read it . . .Chris (does Salr^dral linefor he6 high aoice) You've read myletter? \4/here did you find it? (Back to his normal uoice) I'll tellyou where I found it! In Charles'pocket!

Sandra Charles read it?! Then it zoas suicide.Chris Indeed! Or a murder, conceived by yourself andCecil Haversham so you could run away together.

Sandra You diabolical beast. How can you? I won't standfor this, Inspector. Accuse me again and you'll be sor -Robert bursts infollowd @iilif:ax- The door iets Sandra sharpfon tlu luad and she collnpses, unconscious.

Robert What's all this shouting?Max What is this, Inspector?All register that Satdra is on thefuor

Chris I'm merely interviewing Miss Colleymoore, nothingmore.

Max Florence, calm down, stop shouting!Sandra remains uncorucious.

Robert She's having one of her episodes. Snap out of it,you're hysterical!

Sandra remains unconscious.

2B The Play That Goes Wrong

Max Florence! Where are you going?Sandra rmuins unconscious.

Robert Come back here this instant!Sandra remains unconsci.ous.

Robert She's run off. I'll fetch her back. You stay hereCecil, I daresay the Inspector has some questions for you; youwere Charles' brother after all.

He exits.

Max I'm sorry, Inspector, she's badly shaken, we all are. It'sbeen quite a night and it's getting late.

Chris (look at clock) Eleven o'clock already.

Tltz dock sqts 5:30.

Max Well, Inspector? Do you have any questions for me?Robe* peas through the curta'iru to see lf Sandra is alright.Chris Oh yes, Mr Haversham, similar questions to those Iasked Miss Colleymoore.

Max Fire away Inspector, I'm at your service.Chris Indeed. You and your brother, did you get alongwell?

Max Up and down. Since father died there was rather morestrain on our relationship. It was no secret our father cared forCharles more than myself.

Chris I see. This is your father in the portrait, is it not?It's tlu paintins of a dog

Max Itis.Chris He looks the spit of Charles, doesn't he?Max He did ever since he was quite young.Chris You were the junior by four years?

Act One 29

Max Almost four, yes . . .Robert, Jonatha- and Annie pea through the curtain togetha tosee if Sandra is alright.Max And didn't I know it, Charles patronised andembarrassed me throughout our entire childhood. He alwaysthought he knew best, and Father always took his side. If heever didn't get his way, he was unbearable.

Now Annie, Robert andJoratihan all reach through the windowand start to kfi Sandra out under the curtains.

Chris He sounds far from the ideal brother. In fact itsounds like you hated one another.

Max I won't lie, Inspector, Charles and I never truly saweye to eye, but if you're suggesting I had something to do withhis murder, you're mistaken.

Chris I see. It's a dark night, Cecil.He pulk tlu curtnins ope4 rnealing Rober! Annie andJoln;athon.Thel allfreeae and tr2 not to be seen. Salrrdra is held unconscious, inan awlatsard position.

Max Inspector?Chris You can barely even make out the trees.Max What are you saying, Inspector?Chris I'm saying, Cecil, that tonight would be the perfectnight for you to murder your brother.

Chris andMzxturn back downstage. Roberf Annie andJonathan continue to rmtoae Sandra-

Max Inspector, please, me and my brother had ourdifferences, but deep down we cared for one another . . .

Chris (ffiand) And yet you had an affair with his fianc6e?Robert Annie andJonat}ran drE Saodlra and start again.

Max What on earth gave you that idea?


Chris The letter I found in Charles'pocket from MissColleymoore to yourself.

Max (shaken) You know about that?

Chris As, it seems, did Charles.Roberg Anrnie andJonatban haue managed to get Sandra outof the window. Annie pulk the curtains shut.

Max Well . . . Bravo, Inspector! Very good. You've foundout about Florence and I, but it proves nothing. We didn'thave a thing to do with Charles' murder, but ThomasColleymoore does. He's a dangerously unhinged man, with adevil of a temper and Florence is his sister. I've said it beforeand I shall say it again; he couldn't give his sister up to anyman, much less his old school chum. Tonight's engagementparty made him lose control and he lashed out at Charles.A crime of passion perhaps, but there it is.

Chris Thank you Mr Haversham, you've been mosthelpful. Perhaps you could fetch Thomas Colleymoore. I'mgoing to need to follow more than one line of enquiry at a timeto get to the bottom of this.

Max At once, Inspector, anything to help the progress ofyour investigation.

He exits, catching his arm in the door

^Chris Hang it all, Charles. Who could've killed you?(' Everybody under this damned roof seems guilty.' He sits on the chaise longue.

That's queer. There's something underneath these cushions.A ledger?

He rernoues the cushioru fom tlu cluise longue. There is no ledger Hebegins to searchfor it, pulling off the lining of the chaise longue, lookinginside the pillows. Vamps to coam Euentuall2 hzfnds it underneath the

Act One 3l

Chris A ledgerlWith Charles'initials inscribed on thecover. What's inside? Notes . . . bills . . . what's this? 'The LastWill and Testament of Charles Haversham' . . . dated onlytoday?...Letmesee...

He ties n nlce the ibbon of the document, but can't. He reads fom thecLosed document.

'I, Charles Haversham, hereby amend my last will andtestament to leave my money, Haversham Manor and all itscontents and grounds to one . . . 'Good Lord!

IMax and Robert mter Chris huniedl' puts the ledger and papnawa).

Max Thomas Colleymoore for you, Inspector.Chris Ah, thank you, Cecil. But before I question you, MrColleymoore, I do need to review some documents in Charles'study. I'll return presently.

Max Take your time, Inspector.Robert Indeed.Max Tell me, Thomas, did you findChris gets into the eleuator cariage and closes the doors. A drea{ulclanking is luard. The upstairs doors opm but Chris is only hafuqtup to the upper leael. He indignantl2 climbs out on to tlu upper leael. Heslides the ledgerforward out of his wa2 but it goes toofar and slips olfthe edge of tlu upper leoel. Robert catches it and thrcws it back up toChris.

Max Tell me, Thomas, did you find Florence?Robert She ran out into the grounds.The uoice-pipefunnelfalk off the wall Rrobert picks up thefunneland puts it back on the wall, lcnocking the barometer off

Max And what were your feelings about Charles andFlorence's engagement?

I tOaise longue.

I


iMax piclcs up the barometer and puts it back on tlu wall" causirry tlupainting d tlu dog tofall down l},f'zx goes to hold up tlu paintilry"kauing thz baromzter lo Roberl Tlryt are lzfi hoWing up all tltree itans.

Robert I was overjoyed, of course. I love Florence and Iloved Charles, I couldn't have approved more of the match.

Max But Colleymoore, it's well known that you're protectiveofyour sister.

The telephone rings.

I'll get it.

He tri.es hard to ktep holding tlu picture against tlu wall whilz rearhing

for the phone, which kups i"gry Fina@ Iu tries to hook it uith hisfoot. The receioerfalk of the tclzphone andfurther awa) on tlufuor

Max Good evening. (Beat.) It's for you.Robert Who the devil is it?Max Youraccountants, Collel'rnoore.Robert At eleven-thirty in the evening?Max Yes.Robert Then hand me the receiver, Cecil.lv[,ax slides the receiuer in betuteen hisfeet and manages to throw it upwith hisfea and catch it in his ranainirry lwd. He stretthzs and passes# to Roberg who eaentuall2 gets it, keeping tlu aoice-pipe andbarometsr on the wall using his head.

-$obert (speaking in extreme disconlfort) Good evening. Yes,T\omas Colleyrnoore speaking. It is inconvenient, yes! . . Myretent deposits? What of them? . . . Discrepancies? What are

lou talking about, man? . . . Gone? Gone where? . . . Ninethousand pounds stolen! Good God, man! Perkins, get in here.

Dennis enters through the door as far as he can.

Dennis Yes, sir.Robert Perkins, fetch me my bank book.

Act One 33

Dennis lasses Robert tlu bank booh

f)snni5 Your bank book, sir.He puts tfu bank book intn Robert's mouth.

Robert Thank you, Perkins.Dennis Your pen, sir.He passes a pen throtgh the door and puts this inRobert's mouth aswell.

Robert Thank you, Perkins.He rearranges himself to nlce thz phone again.

How could you allow this to happen? This is an absolutedisgrace! I shall report you to your superiors. Who am I speakingwith? Mr Fitzroy.I'll write that name down.

He wites thz name in his bank bookwith a lot of d!fu"U

Mr. . . Fi. . . tz. . . roy. I'll have you knowthis telephone callhas put me in a very difficult position. Now look here, Fitzroy,I didn't authorise this transaction, you find out who did andcall back.

He throws tlu phone to lil,da+ who hangs it up.

Max What is it, Colleynoore?Robert Nine thousand pounds taken from my privatesavings. What a ghastly evening.

Max Thomas, I have a confession to make.Robert Mm?Max Well . . . Florence and I are having an affair!Robert WHAT?!He launches himself atlil,flflax, who diues dounstage. Tlu dog picture,

funnel and barometer mlstzriousfu all stay hongrng in their positions.Robert and Max double- tnkz.

Robert You and my sister?!

3+ The Play That Goes Wrong

He tlvowsMax dowrutage lzfi.

Max Now, calm down, Colleymoore.Robert You always were a snake in the grass, Cecil.He pullsMax up b2 his hnir and drags him anoss tfu room"accidentall2 slnnming him inn tfu side of tlu clock Robert drawsa swordfrom tfufirepLon.

Max It's not what you think! We're in love!Robert My sister does not love you. How dare you lay afinger on her? Your own brother's fianc6e! It's disgusting! Nowonder your father hated you!

Max Don't speak about my father, Colley'rnoore!He draws a sword.

Robert The time has come for you to answer to me for yourindiscretions. Draw your sw - En garde!

T@,fuht.

Nice try, Cecil, but no match for my skill. You know sometimesI forget you're Charley's brother, you're so pathetic.

Thz2fuht. JU[ax haps of tlu back of tfu chaise longue.

Max I always was too quick for you, but nice try,Colleymoore.

Afuorboardflips up and hix him in tlufau He stumbl.esforward andtrips, breaking his sword. He holds up tlu brolun sword and mnJrcs

-sword-clang|ng

sound fficts as tlryt continuefuhting l&,lax beats

' Robert to tlufuor stage lzfi below tfu uppa lmel-'Max

You've got a good pary, Colleymoore!

Robert Good parry! I'll show you a good parry'!He a.ccidennlfu thrusts his sword through the underside d thz upperlnel Thz blnfu comzs up betutem Chris'/rgs. Robert hies to pullhis sword back butfnds it snch Both @ to continue tlufuht without

Act One 35

tluir swords. is,[,ax tzars a section of thefont of his jumper to ranal ared slnsh offabric blood across his chzst.

Robert I don't need this to kill a man like you! It seemsthere's no doubt about who killed Charles any more. He waskilled by his own vile little brother in a fit ofjealous rage.You'll be sorry you ever laid a finger on my sister, Haversham.You'll be sorry!

Robert andMax exit, slamming tfu door Tlu dog picture, aoire-pipef"n*b baromzter and curtsin rail allfall of tlu wall at once" Dennisis reoealzd in tfu window with a glass of sherry on a tral. He hurrirdfenters through thz door and sets tlu tralt down b1t tfu tzlephone. Suddntltthree lnud gunshots and a scream are luard ofstage.

f)snnis Gunshots in the library!Chris (pick up tlu end of tlu uoice-pipe and speaks inn il DearGod, what's going on down there?

Denrris lookfor tfu othn md of the uoice-pipe dounstairs but can't_firrd.it. He phks up tlu barometcr and speaks into it.

f)snnis I don't know, Inspector; I heard screams andgunshots from downstairs! Please come down here!

Chris (into the pipe) I'm on my way, Perkins.

He gets in tlu elmato6 and it begins to dzscend. Robert entzrs throughtltz dowrutairs door

Robert Inspector! Inspector! Where's Inspector Carter?f)snnis He's coming down now.We hzar tfu eleuator crash to thefuor Chris bursts out in a cloud ofsmokt.

Robert There you are, Inspector. I don't know how youmanage to look so calm and collected in a situation such as this.

Chris It comes from years of experience.Robert Indeed.


Chris It is important we remain calm, and we don't let eachother out of our sight. Where's Miss Colleymoore?

Robert She's coming now! Get in here, Florence!

Jonathanpusfus Annie in through the door Slu's wearing SandraSdress ooer lur oun clothes and she clutches o scipt.

Robert Florence, you don't Iook yourself this evening.Annie (reading each word slowlyfom the script, in a thick Lancashireaccent) Thomas, I'm frightened!

Robert Don't worry, Florence; you're safe in here with me.De'nnis ryVhat is going on?

Chris Isn't it obvious! Cecil has lost control!Annie Cecil! Surely not!Chris He killed Charles tonight, driven mad by his lust foryou, and now he knows we've found him out!

Annie I cannot bear it. Cecil would not do such a thing.Dennis This is a fine mess, sir! The worst night I've seen ineighty-eight years of service!

Annie Save me, brother, save me!She clings on to Chris, who pushes hn towards Robert

Robert I shan't let anyone hurt a hair on your head,Florence.

Annie I'm panicking! I can't believe . . . Cecil?;"-_'' r chris cecill

Annie Cecil . . . is doing this.Dennis Try to stay calm, Miss Colleymoore!Annie I shall faint!Shefalk bark uithout warning Robert/sl catchz.r her

Act One 37

Robert You shan't faint, confound it! What a devil of asituation this is!

Jonathan bursts in again, holding his gun.

Jonathan Not so fast, Insp - !He realises lu is no earlt, and exits again. After lnaairg he slowfu walltspast tlu uindow, his head in his hands. He slowfu realises the audimcecan see ltim; mortfied, lte darts out of aieu

Robert We're all going to survive tonight, you hear me?Chtis purs out of the door

Chris Take cover!Robert Great Scott![snnis Good heavens!Annie Aye, me!Chris Don't panic! Cecil's crossing the landing. We mustIock him out!

Robert \\rhere are the keys to the door, Perkins?Dennis Here they are, sir!He pulk out the notebookfrom his poclcet. Chris upends the uase,sending the ke2sJlying oal Dennis catches thern.

Dennis Here they are, sir!Chris Quickly, Perkins, hand them to me before Cecil -The door bursts open andMax staggers inside. He shufilesforutard a

few pacu and thmflops dead on to the chnise longue. Three bulletwounds in his back

Chris Good LordlShort musical spike play.

Annie Cecil's dead?Tlu same short musical spikt pk1ts.

F '-


Deanis A double murder!A short burst d 'Girk on Film' fut Duran Duran pl"ays. That suddmfuthe correct musical spike cuts in

Trevor Found the Duran Duran, carry/ on.Chris (checklMax's pulse) Time of death; quarter to mid -five o'clock.

He clucks the clock It still reads 5:30.

Annie (with gmuine affeaion) Cecil! No! No! No! I loved him! Iloved him! I know it's wrong. I know I was engaged to Charles,but Cecil was mine and.

Silence- Chris turns the page in her scipt

Annie I was his.Dennis There there, Miss Colleymoore.Arnie How will I go on? Sobs.Chris You!Take this body outside.Dennis Yes, sir.Robert I'll lend you a hand, Perkins.Chris I've seen a lot in the twenty years I've been anInspector, but hvo murders on one night is certainly unusual.

f)snni5 opms thz door and pulk out tfu ftpo shetchzr polzsfom earl:irrHe andRobert lal thmt on thzfloor before rolkngMax on tap of th.ehno poles- The2 lft the poles, optimistically 1&,fax.grasps thern andholding onfor dear W thq carrlt him towards thz door Rrobert andf)snni5 can't getl0,|,o ff through tlu door, so tip him on to his sidtand exit through tlu door and past tlu window.

Annie Oh Inspector! My fianc6 and my lover killed on thesame evel

Chris Remember your breathing, Miss Colleymoore, now isnot the time for another of your episodes.

Act One 39

Annie (calm) I am having an episode, Inspector. I cannothelp it.

Chris €ncourages fur to hale an episode. Annie trits to scream andshake as she has seen Sandra do in rehearsak.

Chris No, Miss Colleymoore.Robert and D ennis re- mtsr

Robert Florence! Control yourself, girl.f)snnis She's having another episode.Annie (calml2 reads) They're dead. They're gone and they'renever coming back.

Robert I will not tolerate another tantrum, Florence.Annie (calm) Get away from me, Tom. You don't understandmy gnef.

Robert That's enough! Take one of your pills.Annie No. Not more pills.She nkes a pill with no hesintionfom Robert

Annie Oh, they're mints.Robert But who could have killed him?f)qnni5 That's a good question, Mr Colleymoore -Chris - and one we need to answer quickly if we're going toget out ofthis house alive.

Annie Oh Inspector, you've given me a chill.Chris Perkins, pour us all another scotch.f)snnis Of course, Inspector.He pours more whitz spiritfor ener)one.

Chris Now, tell me, is there anyone else that you know of inthe grounds other than the four ofus?

Annie Not a soul.

--

+0 The Play That Goes Wrong

Robert The gardener left at six, the only other member ofstaffis Perkins. (Dtinks and spits out thz white spiit.) Good God, Ineeded that.

Chris Does anyone else have access to the grounds?Annie No one, Inspector.f)snnis I'm the only one with the master key and asinstructed I locked and bolted the doors, as soon as you arrived.

Robert Then who could have killed him?Thz scipt begins n go round in a loop

f)snnis That's a good question, Mr Colleymoore -Chris - and one we need to answer quickly if we're going toget out of this house alive.

Annie Inspector, you've given me a chill!Chris Perkins, pour us all another scotch.[snnis Of course, Inspector.He pours white spirit again.

Chris Now, teII me, is there arryone else that you know of inthe grounds other than the four of us?

Annie Not a soul.Robert The gardener left at six, the only other member ofstaffis Perkins. (Dtink. Spits out again.) Good God,I neededthat.

Chris Does anyone have access to the grounds?Annie No one, Inspector.Dennis I'm the only one with the master key and asinstructed I locked and bolted the doors, as soon as youarrived.

Robert Then who could have killed him?f)sn-is doesn't realise and the lnop goes around again.

Act One +1

f)snnis That's a good question, Mr Colleymoore -Chris - and one we need to answer quickly if we're going toget out of this house alive.

Annie Inspector, you've given me a chill!Chris Perkins, pour us all another scotch.f)snnis Of course, Inspector.He pours white spiit again.


Anrrie Not a soul.Robert The gardener left at six, the only other member ofstaffis Perkins. (Drinlu. Spits.) Good God, I needed that.

Chris Does anyone have access to the grounds?Annie No one, Inspector.f)snnis I'm the only one with the master key and asinstructed I locked and bolted the doors as soon as youarrived.

Robert Then who could have killed him?Tfu nript loops again.

[snnis That's a good question, Mr Colleymoore -Chris - and one we need to answer quickly if we're going toget out ofthis house alive.

Annie Inspector, you've given me a chill!Chris Perkins, pour us all another scotch.Dennis Of course, Inspector.He pours whitz spiit again.

Chris Now, tell me is there anyone else that you know of inthe grounds other than the four of us?


Annie Not a soul.Robert The gardener left at six, the only other member ofstaffis Perkins. (Di"lu again. Spits out again.) Good God, Ineeded that.

Chris Does anyone have access to the grounds?Annie No one, Inspector.Dennis I'm the only one with the master key and asinstructed I locked and bolted the doors as soon as vou arrived.

Robert Then who could have killed him?Thz rcipt loops again.

Dennis That's a good question, Mr Colleymoore -Chris - and one we need to answer quickly if we're going toget out of this house alive.

Annie Inspector, you've given me a chill!Chris Perkins, pour us all another scotch.Dennis Of course, Inspector.He pours white spiit again.


Annie Not a soul.Robert The gardener left at six, the only other member ofstaffis Perkins. (Throws the white spirit oaer Dennis.) Good God,I needed that!

Chris Does anyone have access to the grounds?Annie No one, Inspector.Dennis I'm the only one with the master key and asinstructed I locked and bolted the doors, as soon as youarrived.

All Then who could have killed him?

Act One +3

Dennis (realisu) No one could have killed them, except thepeople in this room. IES!

Chris Good God, you're right, it's one of us!All gasp.

Annie (reads) This is a disaster! Blackout. Interval.

She realises her mistake.

oh.

Blackout. TabsJl, in. Music.

End of Act One

TNTERvAL Acrrvrry Afew minutes inn the intzraal the sqfefficurtain begins to come doun, it stops afoot or huofom thefuorTrevor enters and quietQ pushes it down.

Robert appears in auditorium/foyer in a robe and joins the queue.forice creams. Chris appears and sends him bacltstage.

'--

. -rC

Act Two

Dramatic lrcuse nzusic plays.

Tlte house hghts fade and Chris once again emnges from in behneenthe tabs. A spotlight picks him out of the darkness.

Chris Good evening again, ladies and gentlemen, I hopevou have enjoyed the break, we will be resuming this evening'sperlormance in just a couple of moments I am assured. I mustsay I'm delighted to see that so many of you have returned forthe second half.

Obr.iously I would be lying if I said the first act went entirelyas rehearsed; there were one or two minor snags, which youmay or may not have picked up on. But they are snags thatwould occur on anv opening night and this certainly hasn'tbeen the worst first act Cornley Polytechnic has seen, by somestretch.

Last year our production of Joseph and tlte Amaatng'IcchntcolorDreamcoat got off to a sha\ start when we d'rdrit realise thatour set designer suffered from colour b\rndness. Anyway,before we begrn again, one word of . . .

Chris is interrupted b7 Trevor's uoice olfstage ouer his raiLto.

Trevor (ouer radio) It's going quite badly to be honest.

Chris Before we resume the . . .Trevor (ouer radio) Yeah, she's unconscious, and we still can'tfind the dog. . .

Chris Before we resume the production one word of healthand safety administration; can I please ask anyone whoconsumed one of the raspberry-ripple flavoured ice creamsavailable during the interval to please seek medical helpimmediately.

And now, without further ado, please put your hands togetherfor the concludins act of The Murder at Haaersham Manor.

Act Two +5

He exits.

Introduction music plnlts and the tabs fl2 out, reuealing Annie, MattRober! Dennig Jonathan and the Stage Crew all re-lnngingthe pitture, uoice-pipefunnek, barometE curtains etc. on the walls. The;t

see the audience. Chris mtersfrom the wings outraged. The house tabsstop andJ\ back in. Beat. The house tabsJlt back out, reuealingRober! Denniq Chris and ltnnie in their positionsfrom the endof Act One.Jonathan andMax haue gone. All wall hangings areback in position. Beat.

Dennis No one. . .All wall hangings crash down to thefloor

No one could have killed them, except for the people in thisroom.

Chris Good God, you're right, it's one of us!All gasp.

Annie (readsfrom her scipt) This is a disaster.

Robert And it's not over yet! Two murders on one night atHaversham Manor, what a gizzly evening.

Annie Frightful, brother, frightful.f)qnnis And look, Mr Colleymoore, the snowstorm outsideis building.

Max appears in the window and throws snow out.

Robert If we're not careful we'll be snowed in to thisslaughterhouse. We must discover the guilty man.

Chris Indeed. The gunshots were heard coming from thelibrary. I shall investigate the room. AII of you remain here.

He exits through the downstairs door

Robert This whole business is a disgrace. Now, let usremind ourselves of what we know.


f)snnis We know Charles Haversham was found dead,here, in his own private rooms gn the night his engagementparly.

Robert We know that his fianc6e was involved in an affairwith his own brother, Cecil. How could my sister behave insuch a way?

Anrrie Not now, Thomas! We know that he too wasmurdered on the same evening, in cold blood.

f)snni5 The only thing we don't know is who the murderer is.Annie Oh, the tension in this house is -She trips up oaer thztfaltzn curtains and. drops htr scipt on thefuor Thepagu go €ler)where. Slu ties to pick them up but theit are all out oforder

Annie Oh, the tension in this house is . . . Oh, the tension inthis. . . oh, it. . . oh, it's tense.Robert Florence. How are you feeling now?Annie (ad libs) I'm great, yeah, really good.

Robert That's dreadful.Annie (ad libs) Oh yes, dreadfirl, I want to die!

Robert That's the spirit, Florence.Dennis But now, Miss Colleymoore, I must ask you animportant question, where were you when the murder wascommitted?

He mnnes the Ltne to her He potnts down snd mimes dnnl{Lng a cup oftea. Anrrie misintuprets.

Annie I was on the floor with a moustache.Robert That makes perlect sense. So was I.Annie reads of the wrong page of the scipt.Annie Kiss me a thousand times - I'm yours!

Act Two +7

Robert Of course, Florence, that's what brothers are for.Dennis This is a disaster! And already it's midnight.Trevor plalts a loud clock chimingfftum times.

[snnis That was most ominous.Robert Ominous indeed.Chris mters upstairs, holding a gun. He calk into the aoice-pipe.

Chris Study to lounge. Are you there, Colleymoore?Robert Inspector?Chris Qyicky! Come up to Charles'study. I need to speakto you.

Robert At once, Inspector.He gets into the ehaator cariage. The eleuator rises but thefloor brealcs,lzauing him on the lown leuel. Hefalls out.

Chris There you are, Colleyrnoore!Robert Yes, Inspector.He ties to climb up to the uppu leael.

Chris I must speak with you, Thomas.Robert Of course, Carter.Chris Are you sitting comfortably?Robert Mostcomfortably,Inspector.f)snnis and ltnnie try to push Robert ap.

Chris Before we speak; I must check no one else is in earshot.Robert No one else is here, Inspector.Chris Very well. Colleymoore, I have found the weaponthat was used to kill Cecil Haversham.

Robert Tnanages to get up on to the upper leuel and takes the gunfomChris.

-

+B The Play That Goes Wrong

Robert Good Lord, where was it?Chris In the library. It was lying on the table, muzzle warrnand the barrel still smoking.

Robert Someone killed Cecil with this?Chris Yes, less than half an hour ago.Robert But. .. who?Chris I was hoping you would be able to tell me that,Collel.rnoore? After all we are friends, aren't we?

Robert I have no idea who killed Cecil, I was down in thekitchens when I heard the gunshots, fetching my sister somerefreshment. . .

Heforgets his line.

Une!

Trevor I don't know what page we're on, mate!Robert I don't know what page we're on, mate.He realises this isn't the line and loolts n Trevorfuiousfi.

Chris (prompts Robert) Besides, why would I / want to. . .Robert Besides, why would I want to kill my oldest friend'syounger brother?

Chris Perhaps because you found out about his a{fair withFlorence. We all know you're a jealous man, Colleymoore,ruthlessly protective of your sister.

Robert Protective! I approve of whatever makes my sisterhuppy.

Chris Don't play the fool with me, Thomas. You shot CecilHaversham in cold blood and you know that wasn't the plan.

Lights shfr to doumstairs. There is a fuary knock at the door

f)snnis Who the devil could that be?Annie (wrong pagQ I don't know either, Miss Colleymore!

Act Two +9

Dennis I don't know either, Miss Colleymoore! Quickly,w€ must hide you out of harm's way. Charles had a hiddenpassageway built behind this bookcase. Stand back, I'll open it.

He pulls a book downfom the boolcshzlf ltfalls n thc ground. Nothinghappms. He looks at the bookcase. It turns and swallows him up.

Dennis (01fl Step inside, Miss Colleymoore.

Annie sttps infont of the bookcase and it swiaels agai4 swallowingher and spitting De"nis back out. The bookrase keeps turning Moreknocking comes fom thz downsta'irs door

Dennis You're safe in there, Miss Colleymoore.The bookcase spins round agatn, spitting Annie out.

f)snnis You're safe in there, Miss Colleymoore.The boolccase spins swallowing ltnnie and spittirg Trevor back outon to the stage. Trevor gets up, looking co4fned. He goes to exittltrough the door, but luars more knocking and panics, hiding in the long-

case clock

Derrnis You're safe in there, Miss Colleymoore.,4s Dennis moaes towards the downstairs door it opms to reaealMtxdrused os a new ch-aracter (Arthur the Gardenzr) in oaeralls and with a

beard, pipe and a pair olf secateurs, holding a lzay' with no dog He giuesthe same performatue he did as Cecil.

f)snni5 (in shock) Arthur the gardener! \fhat are you doinghere?

Max I was gardening late in the grounds with Winston,when we got caught in the storm and couldn't make it home.

Dennis Good heavens, Arthur, come inside. You won'tbelieve what a nightmare this evening has been.

Max How do you mean? Woah, Winston, down from thechaise longue!

Thq look at tlu bad. Nothing happeru.

i'

I

','/.


Dennis Mr Haversham was murdered tonight.Max Charles Haversham?He walks into the pillar supporting tlu uppu lmel and lvtock it ougcausing the leael" withRober* and Cbris on it, to slnnt s@hb. Tludink trollq and chair roll across thzfuor Robert stops tlwn beforetheit roll off the edge. Chris andRobert shwl2 dge to tJu door andtr) to g0 through it" but the handle comts ofr l"**g tlwn trappd.f)snnis And not only that, his brother Cecil has also beenkilled.

Max Heavens! That explains the strange goings on I haveseen in the grounds this evening.

Dennis Strange goings on?Max A mysterious figure stood by the shrubbery that standsoutside this very room and I noticed that the latch on thewindow was forced open and Winston found this on the groundbeneath it.

He produces a handlcerchi{ from his poclwt.

A lace handkerchief. Q,uiet, Winston! Stained with a deep redmark with a distinctive scent.

f)snnis Cyanide.Max Precisely, cyanide . . . and you can tell from the shapeof the mark it's been used to hold a bottle. But not only that,the handkerchief is also embroidered with the initials 'F.C.'

f)snni5 ...FlorenceColleymoore.Max Indeed.Lights shffi upstairs.

Chris I must show you something, Thomas. No doubtyou'll find it interesting.

Robert s lips foruard s lightl2.

Robert What is it, Inspector?

Act Two 5l

Chris A new draft of Charles' Last Will and Testament,dated only today. It appears he has changed the beneficiary.

He takes tlu willfrom his poclcet and passes z7 to Roberg who cannotuntie tfu ibbon.

Robert Who on earth has he changed the benefic - Who . .on . . . earth has he changed the beni - lUho has fu changed the. .He pretmds tn read of of thefont of it.

Good Lord!

Chris That's right!Robert He's leaving it all to - Perkins!Lights s hifi downs tnirs.

f)snnis Arthur the gardener: /ou're suggesting thatFlorence Colleymoore broke into Charles'private rooms thisaftemoon?

Max Florence has killed her own fianc6!f)snnis Miss Colleymoore, get in here now!The boolaase spins around reuealing Annie holding a difermtfolderwith a new script in it.

Dennis Miss Colleymoore, you killed your fianc6 and wehave the evidence to prove it.

Annie (ginntng, lcnowing she\ got it nght) How dare you,Perki -The dinles hollqt on tlu upper lnel slips andfalk towards Annie.Robert catthes it Lights shifr upstairs.Chris The time has come to confront Perkins and tell himwe know what he has done! Get in the elevator, Colle)rmoore.

Robert cannot mouefom wlure he is, holding tlu clmir ond drinlcstrollgt up.

Robert Yes, Inspector.

-

r


He edgu to tfu elmator and Loolcs inside. He shaku his head. Chtisjumps of tfu 4t doum on to tfu lower lzuel.Chris Perkins.Annie (readingfom nipt) Thank heavens, Inspector. Thesetwo have been accusing me of the most dreadful things.

Max Hold your tongue, we all know what you've done!Woah, Winston! Down boy!

[snnis Winston, the Inspector's here to help us.Max I'm sorrl' about Winston, Inspector. I'll put him outside.He throws tlu kat out of tlu door

Chris Arthur, I presume.f)snni5 Arthur the gardener is the gardener, Inspector.Max I'm the longest-serving member of staffat HavershamManor.

psnnis He's been working for Mr Haversham for ninetyyears.

Chris (aside to [snni5) Nine.Dennis Ninety-nine years.Chris NineE-nineyarsi \Arhat a dedicated man. But Arthur,I was informed you left Haversham Manor at six o'clocktoday? It appears you were hiding in the grounds on the nighttwo men were murdered here.

f)snnis Arthur became trapped in the snowstorm andcouldn't make it to the gates.

Chris How implausible. I don't suppose you realise whatyou have walked into this evening then, Arthur?

Max On the contrary, Inspector. lt appears I have discovereda clue that rrll close this case.He hnlls out thr, monogrammed h.andkerclnef.

Act Two 53

Chris A handkerchief.f)snnis Monogrammed -Chris Monogrammed!Max - and stained with cyanide.Chris C1'anide!Max Dropped on the ground beneath the forced windowthat was used to gain access to this room so someone couldpoison Charles.

Chris Good God! How dreadfuM must inspect thishandkerchief in more detail. Colleymoore, fetch my magnifyingglass from Charles' desk.

Robert Without delay, Inspector.Robert trins to get up and reach outfor tfu magn!fiiatg glnss but can't.TIu upper lztel sudden\ drops again, ?utting it on eaen more of anincline. This sends the desk sliding down towards Robe4 whomanages to stop it and hold all thefurniture. He rummages in tfudrawer, produca the magnfiing glass and passes it t0 C.hris.

Robert Your magnifying glass, Inspector.Chris Thank you, Thomas.f)snni5 But Inspector, there is something you do not knowabout that handkerchi -The telephone rings kudu.

Max I'll get it. (Picks up receiuer) Good evening? (BeaL) It's foryou, Mr Colleymoore.

Robert (fom beneath tlufurninre) Another telephone call?

Max Yes, sir.Robert Who is it, Arthur?Max Mr Fitzroy, sir.Robert Hand me the receiver, Arthur.


l0rdzx trips lo pars Robert thz receiaer but tlrc cord doest't reach. J&,[axand C.hris create a chain of armsfom the phone with C,htis' handin a phane shape at thz end, whhh {ter some stretching tfu1 manage tnget to Robert's ear

Robert FitTro2lThank you for calling again . . . Yes, this is amuch more convenient time, thank you . . . Another transactiontraced . . . A one-way ticket to Dover? No, I have no idea!You've given nine thousand pounds of my money to someoneelse. You are causing me more pain than you could possiblyimagine! I shall hang up the phone immediately.

Thz phone is hung up.

Dennis Mr Colleymoore, you look like you could use ascotch.

Robert "Alol No more scotch thank you, Perkins. What adreadful evening! I must check my bank records once more,if you'll excuse me . . .

He begins to try and exit throtqh thz upstnirs doo6 crawkng with all the

furninre tuwards it. Tlu fusk hns 'Two Sisttrs'wittm on tlu back of it.

Robert If you'll excuse me . . . If you'll excuse me!Dennis Inspector! There is something about thehandkerchief you have not detected!

Chris \4/hat is it, Perkins?Dennis It bears initials . . . the initials 'F.C.'Max Florence Colleymoore is the murderer, Inspector!Chris You are the murderer, Miss Colleymoore. It is plainfor us all to see. You were engaged to be married to Charles,a man who according to your letter you despised. Not only thisbut you were having an affair with his brother -Annie Cecil!Chris - Cecil. It seems plausible to me that you bothmurdered him so you could be together.

Act Two 55

Annie Oh! Stop it, Inspector! Cecil's dead too now and Icertainly didn't kill Charles.

Robert eumtuall2 gets all thefurninre out of the door More aampdoumstairs if necessar2.Robert If you'll excuse me.He closes the door

(Off.) I think it's going rather well!

He is immedinteQ seenfalling past the window.

Chris You are the murderer, Miss Colle)rmoore.Annie Me! The murderer! How can yo -Robert enters sharpfu through the dounstairs door; lcnockirgAnnieout.

Robert I checked my bank recor - Oh!Chris You're lying Florence, you killed him!Robert She's having another one of her hysterical episodes.He and Chris lfi up ltnnie's body atd it fur on the windowsill.Chris You killed your fianc6, Florence! What do you haveto say for yourselP

Sandra (01fl I am no murderer!

She bursts in throtgh tlu swhtel bookrase in her undmpear Cbris andRobert drE Annie backwards through thz window.

Chris We all know that's not true . . .Sandra It is true, Inspector!Max You've been exposed.Chris Very well, Miss Colleymoore, your name can easilybe cleared; we shall examine Charles' body for evidence ofcyanide poisoning. Colleymoore, Perkins, show me to theservice quarters of the house to check the deceased once more.

-

-

t'/'


f)snnis Inspector.Chris Arthur, you stay here with Miss Colleymoore andensure she does not leave this room.

Robert andDennis exit with him through tlu dounstairs dporSandra andls'f'zx are alow again. Max stares at tlzefuor; lu canrntlook atSandrtSandra Arthur, you have known me years) surely youbelieve I would never do something like this!

Max On the contrary Miss Colleyrnoore, it was I whodiscovered you to be the guilty party.

Sandra Oh Arthur! How can you! Please, you must protectme from these fiends! I'll do anything to win your trust!

She throws herself into JU.[ax's arms.

Max Oh no! Miss Colleymoore! Do not use your femininewiles to confuse me.

Sandra I have seen the weiy you look at me across thegardens.

Max. stares awaltfrom hu

Sandra Even now, the way you're looking at me. The wayyou're looking . . . the way you're looking. . . the way you'relooking...at...me...She turrs Maxt head to look at lur, anidentalb tzaring of l&,dax'smutton chop.

Sandra The way you're looking at me! I know how youfeel -Max Please, Miss Colleyrnoore! I am a simple gardener, I . . .Sandra - and you have said before how radiant I lookwhen walking across the grounds. Please Arthur, protect me,I'll be yours if you do . . .

She grasps }&,[ax tighter

Act Two 57

Max Miss Colleymoore! I do not feel as you suggest! Youare a murderer and a seductress and I shall not be seduced.

He pushes Sandra awa) a little too hard and slu htocks inn the cloclcTrevor is startled within tlte clock and opens tlu doo6 knockingSandra out again. Shefups on tp tfu chnise longua Mex ondTrevor look at one anothtr M;ax giles Trevor tlu scipt. Trevorreads Flormce's next knefom thz script.

Trevor (reads) But I'm a beautiful woman, how can youresist me?

lv[ax. and Trevor try to continue while loading Sandratunconsciousform into thz clock

Max Stop, Miss Colleymoore! You are using your powerover men as you always have.

Trevor (reads) You can't pretend your feelings aren't real!

Max Very well, Mss Colleymoore, it is true perhaps thatI have admired you.

Trevor (reads) Then kiss me, Arthur! You know you want to!

Beat. Trevor thm approachzs Max" Max look awqt

Trevor Kiss me, Arthur! You know you want to!lvIzx look scared Vamp. He suddtnQ,te'sses Trevor. RoberfChris andDennis entzr

Robert What on earth is going -Sibnce.

What on earth is going on?

Max I can explain.Robert I don't think you can.f)s'.ni5 Miss Colleymoore in Arthur's arms?Chris A second affair?Robert Florence, you've changed.


Trevor (reals) Your wild accusations have driven me to this!My nerves are a wreck! Ifeel dtzzyl

Chris I suggest you settle down, Miss Colleymoore!f)snnis Quickly! Where's her medication, Mr Colle)'moore?Robert Blast, I must have left it in the study.He exits tloorsh the downstairs door

Chris Miss Colleymoore! You are a vile criminal!f)snni5 And to think we took you in!Max You manipulated me! I have let my master down tonight!Chris All the while you were plotting your fianc6's demise!Trevor Oh no, Inspector, all these accusations . . . I feel anepisode coming on.

He begins to hnzte an episodt. Chrts pusfus Trevor aside and fu tripsunder tfu uppu ltuel.

Chris No, Miss Colleymoore.Robert reappears throrqh tht upstairc door As he stzps on tlu upperlnel" itfu@, collapses, cnnhing Trevor. Silznce.

Robert (r0 Chris) I don't think they noticed.He exits and closes the doo6 causing a lighting truss to swing downfomtht

"S.Chris An adulteress and cold-blooded killer!Sandra @tithin thc clock) I'm not, Inspector!

All turn toface tlu clock. Sanilra ties to get out. Chris ltclps but sfuis stuck inside.

Chris Yes you are, Miss Colleymoore!Sandra (fom within the clock) Oh, Inspector! I can't take thisany more! I shall faint!

Tfu clock is lowered on to oru si.de. Beat.

Act Two 59

f)snni5 She's fainted.Max It's all become too much for her.Chris Quickly, lie her down on the chaise longue.lMax and Dennis Qfi the clock on to the chaise longue. Beat. Thz lzgssnap on the chaise hngue.

Chris That's better-Roberf entering with the pill box and a glass of wate6 sees tlu dock.

Robert I found Florence's medication . . . \Arhat's happened?Chris Florence has fainted.Robert Good Lord. I'll wake her up. (Throws water on to thec/or,t ) She's out cold.

Chris But Arthur, is this the figure I saw outside the windowearlier on this evening?

Max I cannot tell, Inspector. Mr Colleymoore, please moveher hands from her face.

Robert slowl' koks at thz clock hands, sw!ft|2 tears the honds off theclockfau and poclcets them.

Max It was not her, Inspector. Besides, the figure I saw wasthat of a man.

Annie slnwl2 stands up in tfu window. Robert slnua her out of sight.

Chris Of course it was, you were taken in a by a handkerchiefplanted outside to frame Florence. She and Cecil both haveplausible motives for murder . . . but the true motive belongsto Perkins.

Annie enters through tfu door; getting in betuteen Chris and Dennisas Chris poinls lo Dennis.

f)snni5 Me, Inspector?Chris You, Perkins! It appears Charles made Perkins thesole beneficiary of his inheritance.


Dennis This is all a mistake!

Chris Save your pleading . . .Annie climbs up on top of the clock to resume plEting Florence.

Chris Save your pleading for the police station.

He throws handcuffs lo Rober! who cffi Dennis to the chaiselongue.

Chris Thomas, handcuffhim to the chaise longue lest heescape before I can drive him there.

Max That won't be for hours, the snow is at its peak.

Snow is thrown through the window into Cbris'face.

Dennis It's not true, I tell you.

Aanie pretmds to wake uP.

Annie What happened! I must have fainted! Curse mydelicate -Sandra opens tlu door of the gran{ather clock, hittingAnnie.

Sandra What happened! I must have fainted! Curse mydelicate constitution.

Robert You did faint, Florencel We've learned that Perkinscommitted the murderl

Sandra Perkins? But he's such a kinclly old man.

Denrris There must be some misunderstanding! I didn't killCharles. But I know who did.

Alr WHO?Dennis INSPECTOR CARTER!All gasp.

Max What on earth?Chris Poppycock!

Act Two 6l

Dennis You did it, because Charles knew about the policemoney you were - (Checlrs hand.) embezzling.

Chris NonsenselDennis You say you'd met before - that he was a consultanton a fraud case you were working on.

Chris What of it?Dennis Charles found the reason why no arrests had beenmade were because the man committing the crime wasyourself. You were the - (Checks hand.) fagade. (Chuks lnndagain.)The perpetrator. You were the peryetrator.

Chris You can't prove it.Max But Charles could, and that's why you killed him.Chris Never!Derrnis I know your secret, Inspector. \A/hat will you do?Kill me too?

Chris (draws a gun and points it atDennis) I willl Confound it.

Sandra and Annie What a devil of a situation this is.

Jonathan enters through the downstairs door, again holding his gun.

Jonathan Not so fast, Inspector!

All hugefu shocked at this.

Robert Charles!Chris Havershamlflsnnis andMax SirlSandra Charleyl I thought you were dead.Chris You're alive? It's not possible.

Jonathan Oh, I'm afraid it is. You couldn't kill me that easily.Chris How did you survive?

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Jonathan I simply didn't drink the poisoned sherry you leftout for me this evening.

Sandra Oh Charley, this is more than I . . .

Annie s/ings Sandra ffitage through the swiael bookcase and standsne.xt to it.

Annie Oh Charley, this is all more than I can bear.

Jonathan Ever since we last spoke at the police station itwas clear you thought I was on to you. It was at this point Ibecame afraid you'd try to kill me. For months now I've hadmy guard up and tonight you fell into my trap.

The bookcase suddenfu swhtels, swallowing up lnnie and reuealingSandra.

Dennis You've been hiding in the grounds ever since thisalternoon when you planted the poison.

Max It was you that I saw. You were the mysterious figure.Sandra I thought it was strange . . .

The boolaase swiuek again this time reaealing Annie. She puts hzrback across the bookcase blockingSanilrafrom coming back in.

Annie I thought it was strange you got here so quickly insuch terrible weather.

Saadra kups Qting to swiael the boohasefom ffinge but is stillblocked &7 Annie. She runs oter to the window and ltnnie quickl,

.follows ha; picking up a tra2 on her wa1.

Max But what about the handkerchief bearing Florence'sinitials?

Jonathan Perhaps you should ask Inspector Carter, orshould I say Inspector Frederick Carter.

All F.c.!Max The same initials.

Act Two 63

Dennis Precisely, and after committing the crime youfound Charles'will in his ledger and tried to pin the wholething on me.

Sandra appears through the window.

Sandra You damned craf-Annie hits Salr.dta with the tra2. Shefalk out of sight behind thewindow.

Annie You damned crafty devil!

Jonathan Crafty, indeed. Perkins here is as innocent as I am.Remove those handcuffs this instant!

Robert Of course, Charles, I have the key.He goes to release f)snni5 but he doesn't haue the ke1. As he searcheshis poclcetsfor the ke2, Dennis remains handcffi to the chaise longue.Sandra 'is seen getting up behind the uindow and running to thedownstage door Annie is therefirst and holds the door shut.

Jonathan Drop the gun, Inspector!

Sandra(ffi Aye / melAnnie Aye me!Chris Never! I came here to kill you Charles, and I won'tleave until the job's done.

Jonathan It's over, Inspector. I could prove your guilt in asecond. I have the evidence upstairs in the safe in my study.Fetch the papers, Perkins.

f)snni5 Yes, sir.He goes to lzaue but is still handcffid to the chaise longue. RobertandMtx llft the dock of the chaise longue and Dennis slowll startsto drag the clnise longue ouer touards thefallzn studlfuor tofetch thepapers. Robert and JNdax. place the clock down cenhe stage.

Jonathan Lower your weapon,

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figzoi.files.wordpress.com · 2020. 6. 23. · Created Date: 6/8/2020 2:01:30 PM