© 2010 Thomson South-Western Instructor Only Version CHAPTER 4 Revising Business Messages

© 2010 Thomson South-WesternInstructor Only Version

CHAPTER 4CHAPTER 4

Revising Revising Business Business MessagesMessages

Chapter 1, Slide 2Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Chapter 4, Slide 2Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e

The Writing ProcessThe Writing Process


Improving content and sentence structureMay involve adding, cutting, and recasting.

Improving content and sentence structureMay involve adding, cutting, and recasting.

Correcting grammar, spelling, punctuation, format, and mechanics

Correcting grammar, spelling, punctuation, format, and mechanics

Proofreading

Revising

Chapter 4, Slide 4Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e

Concise WordingConcise WordingConcise WordingConcise Wording

Revise your messages to eliminate flabby expressions.

Instead of this

We are of the opinion that

Please feel free to

In addition to the above

At this point in time

Despite the fact that

Try this

We think

Please

Also

Now

Although


Limit Long Lead-InsLimit Long Lead-InsLimit Long Lead-InsLimit Long Lead-Ins

Instead of this

This memo is to inform you that all employees meet today.

I am writing this letter to say thanks to everyone who voted.

Try this

All employees meet today.

Thanks to everyone who voted.


Drop Unnecessary FillersDrop Unnecessary FillersDrop Unnecessary FillersDrop Unnecessary Fillers

Revise sentences to avoid fillers such as there is/was and it is/was when used merely to take up space.

Instead of this

There was only one employee who should be promoted.

It was Lisa and Jeff who were honored.

Try this

Only one employee should be promoted.

Lisa and Jeff were honored.


Quick Check

Revise the following sentences to avoid flabby expressions, long lead-ins, and unnecessary there is/it is fillers.

A new health benefit plan is available for employees.

This e-mail message is to inform you that there is a new health benefit plan available for employees.

I would like to take this opportunity to inform everyone that in all probability we expect to win the contract.

We probably will win the contract.


Quick Check

Revise the following sentences to achieve conciseness.

Two contracts are also attached.

In addition to the above, there are contracts that are attached hereto.

Despite the fact that most information is posted on the company intranet, please feel free to call whenever necessary.

Although most information is posted on the company intranet, please call whenever necessary.


Remove Redundant WordsRemove Redundant WordsRemove Redundant WordsRemove Redundant Words

advance warning

close proximity

exactly identical

filled to capacity

final outcome

necessary requisite

new beginning

past history

refer back

serious danger

Avoid unnecessarily repetitious words. What words could be omitted in these expressions?


Remove Redundant WordsRemove Redundant WordsRemove Redundant WordsRemove Redundant Words

Avoid unnecessarily repetitious words. What words could be omitted in these expressions?


Dump Trite ExpressionsDump Trite ExpressionsDump Trite ExpressionsDump Trite Expressions

Trite and Outdated

as per your request

pursuant to your request

attached hereto

under separate cover

Modern

at your request

at your request

attached

separately


Try This…

NorthStar Telecommunication Services

Interoffice Memo

Date: November 12, 200x

To: Phillip Larios

From: Danika Freedman

Subject: Investigation of Web Sites of Some of Our Competitors

This is just a short note to inform you that, as you requested, I have made an investigation of several of our competitor’s Web sites. Attached hereto is a summary of my findings. of my investigation. I was really most interested in making a comparison of the employment of strategies for marketing as well as the use of navigational graphics used to guide visitors through the sites. In view of the fact that we will be revising our own Website in the near future, I was extremely intrigued by the organization, kind of marketing tactics, and navigation at each and every site I visited.

In the event that you would like to discuss this information with me, feel free to call me at Extension 219.

Attachment.


Memo Revised for Conciseness


JargonJargonJargonJargon

Computer Jargon

queue

export

bandwidth

Alternative

list of documents waiting to be printed

transfer data from one program to another

Internet capacity

Avoid technical terms and special terminology that readers would not recognize.

Is jargon ever permissible?


SlangSlangSlangSlang

to “bag on”

clueless

turkey

chill/chill out

to tease, to nag, or to complain

unaware, naïve

someone stupid or silly

relax

Avoid slang (informal expressions with arbitrary or extravagantly changed meanings).


SlangSlangSlangSlang

An example from the world of Dilbert:


ClichésClichésClichésClichés

Avoid clichés (overused expressions). Substitute more precise words.

Instead of this

Last but not least, you should keep your nose to the grindstone.

We had reached the end of our rope.

Try this

Finally, you should work diligently.

We could go no further.


Quick Check

Finally, the attorney referred to an identical case.

Last but not least, the attorney referred back to an exactly identical case.

With a little advance warning, we could have sold out before our stocks tanked.

With warning, we could have sold out before our stocks hit bottom.

Revise the following sentences to avoid redundancies, trite business expressions, jargon, and slang.


Ms. Miller, who is straightforward, demanded completion by January 1.

Ms. Miller, who shoots straight from the shoulder, demanded final completion by January 1.

Revise the following sentences to avoid redundancies, trite business expressions, jargon, and slang.

As you requested, a check for $150 is enclosed.

Pursuant to your request, enclosed please find a check for $150.


Buried VerbsBuried VerbsBuried VerbsBuried Verbs

Revise verbs that have been converted to nouns.

Look for words ending in tion or ment. Could they be more efficiently and forcefully converted to verbs?

Look for words ending in tion or ment. Could they be more efficiently and forcefully converted to verbs?

Tip


Instead of thisThe manager came to the realization that telecommuting made sense.

A job seeker must make application before May 1.

Try thisThe manager realized that telecommuting made sense.

A job seeker must apply before May 1.



Instead of thisOnce we have the establishment of a Web site, our business will grow.

Please give serious consideration to a company intranet.

Try this

Once we establish a Web site, our business will grow.

Please seriously consider a company intranet.



Control ExuberanceControl ExuberanceControl ExuberanceControl Exuberance

To sound credible, don’t overuse intensifiers such as very, definitely, quite, completely, extremely, really, actually, and totally

Excessive

The manager is actually quite pleased with your proposal because the plan is definitely workable.

Businesslike

The manager is pleased with your proposal because the plan is workable.


Precise WordsPrecise WordsPrecise WordsPrecise Words

Revise your writing to include precise words. Strive for specific verbs, concrete nouns, and vivid adjectives. Beware of unclear pronouns.

Unclear

The man asked for a raise.

An employee presented a proposal.

More Precise

Jeff Jones asked for a 10 percent salary increase.

Kelly Keeler, production manager, presented a plan to stagger hours.


Precise WordsPrecise WordsPrecise WordsPrecise Words

Revise your writing to include descriptive, dynamic adjectives instead of overworked, all-purpose ones.

Instead of this

They thought her report was good.

She said she would get in touch.

Try this

The management council thought Erin’s report was factual and well written.

Sheila said she would send you an e-mail.


Quick Check

The seller promised to e-mail (telephone or fax) you.

The seller said he definitely would contact you.

We must give encouragement to our team.

We must encourage our team.

In the following sentences, unbury verbs and control exuberance.


Moviegoers prefer buttered popcorn.

Moviegoers actually show a total preference for buttered popcorn.

Please assess the home’s value.

Please make an assessment of the home’s value.

Ann suggested that we hire Lee.

Ann made a suggestion that we hire Lee.

In the following sentences, unbury verbs and control exuberance.


Designing Documents for Designing Documents for ReadabilityReadability


Employ white space.

Headings

Short paragraphs

Ragged-right margins


Choose appropriate typefaces.Serif typefaces have small features at ends of strokes. Useful for body text.

Times New Roman

CenturyGeorgiaGaramond




Choose appropriate typefaces.Sans serif typefaces are cleaner without features. Useful for headings, signs, and noncontinuous reading material.

Arial

TahomaVerdanaCalibri






Use bulleted and numbered lists. Break up complex information into smaller

chunks. Use numbered lists for sequences. Use bulleted lists for items that don’t

require a certain order.


Instead of thisTo clean the printer, you should do the following. First, you should disconnect the power cord. Then you open the front cover, and the printer area should be cleaned with a soft cloth.

Try this

To clean the printer, do the following:

1. Disconnect the power cord.

2. Open the front cover.

3. Clean the printer with a soft cloth.



Use a numbered list for instructions.


Instead of thisOn April 3 we will be in Toledo, and the speaker is Troy Lee. On May 20 we will be in Detroit, and the speaker is Sue Wu.

Try this

Date City Speaker

April 3 Toledo Troy Lee

May 20 Detroit Sue Wu



Organize information with column headings.


Instead of thisOur team constantly tries to achieve our goals, customer service must be improved, and our production targets must be met.

Try this

Our team constantly tries to (a) achieve our goals, (b) improve customer service, and (c) hit our production targets.



Use letters to list items within sentences. Strive for parallelism.


Instead of thisThe next topic is vacations. A new vacation schedule will be available on May 1.

To assist employees, we will begin a flex schedule in the fall.

Try this

Vacations. A new vacation schedule will be available on May 1.

Flextime. To assist employees, we will begin a flex schedule in the fall.



Use paragraph headings to improveorganization and readability.


Quick Check

The next training session will demonstrate

• Creating podcasts• Sharing multiple programs• Maintaining an Internet directory.

In the next training session, the trainer will demonstrate how to create podcasts, how to share multiple programs, and how to maintain an Internet directory.

Arrange the following in a concise, bulleted vertical list.


Quick Check

You can prepare for interviews by doing the following:• Study the job description.• Itemize your most strategic skills and qualifications. • Practice giving responses in a mock interview.

In preparing for an employment interview, you should begin by studying the job description. Itemizing your most strategic skills and qualifications is also important. Giving responses in a mock interview is another good practice technique. Last, you should be prepared to ask relevant questions.

Improve the readability of the following instructions that will become part of a student’s employment booklet.


What to Watch for What to Watch for in Proofreadingin Proofreading

What to Watch for What to Watch for in Proofreadingin Proofreading

Spelling

Grammar

Punctuation

Names and numbers

Format

© IS

TO

CK

PH

OT

O.C

OM

/ D

MIT

RY

SH

IRO

NO

SO

V


Proofreading MarksProofreading Marks



How to Proofread How to Proofread Complex DocumentsComplex Documents

Allow adequate time. Print a copy, preferably double-spaced. Be prepared to find errors. Read once for meaning and once for

grammar/mechanics. Reduce your reading speed.


For documents that must be perfect:

Have someone read aloud the original while someone else checks the printout.

Spell names. Spell difficult words. Note capitalization. Note punctuation.

How to Proofread How to Proofread Complex DocumentsComplex Documents

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