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Parenthood: Choices and Challenges

Chapter 12

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Parenting

Often presents challenges for couplesImpacts couple relationshipRequires balancing work and familyRequires decisions regarding:

Parenting styles and approaches to childrearing

Number of children and spacing

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Parenting Strengths

STRENGTH Happy Couples

Unhappy Couples

Satisfied with how childrearing is shared

89% 36%

Partner focuses equally on marriage and children

63% 32%

Agree on discipline 59% 30%

Agree on how to provide financially for children

60% 38%

Children do not create problems for marriage

61% 38%

Olson & Olson, 2000Percentage of Agreement

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Top Five Parenting Issues for Married Couples

Issues Percentage with Issue

Having children reduced marital satisfaction

84 %

Father not involved enough with children

68 %

Dissatisfied with how child rearing is shared

66 %

Disagree on discipline of children 66 %

Partner focuses more on children than marriage

64 %

Olson, & Olson, 2000

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Parenting

No educational prerequisitesIntergenerational passage of problems

commonReliance on conventional wisdom

commonOften problematic

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Conventional Beliefs or Wisdom

Rearing children is nothing but fun

Good Parents=Good Children

Children are sweet & cute

Children improve a marriage

Good parents can manage any child

All parents are adults Parents not as good

as parents of past Couples without

children are unhappy One child is too few No bad children—

only bad parents

Beliefs Often Are in Error or Misrepresent Reality of Parenting

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Conventional Beliefs or Wisdom (cont’d)

Children appreciate parents

Parenthood top priority in society

Love guarantees good parenting

Single parent families are problematic

Parenting gets easier as children age

Parenting ends when children leave

Empty nest parents are lonely

Parents alone should rear children

Beliefs Often Are in Error or Misrepresent Reality of Parenting

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Transition to Parenting

New parents often face difficulty with the arrival of children:

Less time for each otherLess time for selfFinancial challengesFatigue

Potentially impacting couple intimacy

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Financial Issues and Children

Cost of raising children high and often surprising for parents

Socialization of children to financial issues and management important:AllowanceSavings accountCommon expendituresFamily incomeUse of credit

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Estimated Annual Expenditures by Husband-Wife Families

33

10

986

14

20

Housing

Misc.

Child care/Edu

Health Care

Clothing

Transportation

Food

Annual Income $25, 400

Cost to bring up baby excluding college expenses$130, 290

Percent Spent On

Lino, 2004

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Estimated Annual Expenditures by Husband-Wife Families

34

11

117614

17

Housing

Misc.

Child care/Edu

Health Care

Clothing

Transportation

Food

Annual Income $54,100

Cost to bring up baby excluding college expenses$178, 590

Lino, 2004

Percent Spent On

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Estimated Annual Expenditures by Husband-Wife Families

37

12

126513

15

Housing

Misc.

Child care/Edu

Health Care

Clothing

Transportation

Food

Annual Income $102, 400

Cost to bring up baby excluding college expenses$261,270

Lino, 2004

Percent Spent On

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Adoption

Estimate that 4% of Americans are adopted

Open Adoption PracticesContact between adoptive and birth families

Mediated: by adoption agencyFully disclosed: direct contact between parents

Confidential Adoption PracticesNo information shared between adoptive

and birth families

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Adoptees

Face Stereotypes by OthersUnhappy, poorly adjusted, and

malfunctioningStudies suggest most adoptees do fineAdolescent adoptees may be at higher

risk for psychosocial difficulties~(van Dulmen et al., 2000)

“Adopted Child Syndrome”

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Child Free Alternative

Reported AdvantagesFewer worries or problemsFinancial benefitsGreater freedom Career flexibility

Reported DisadvantagesLack of companionship or lonelinessLack of support and care when olderMissing the experience of parenthood

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Dimensions of Parenting

Two Dimensions of Parenting Parental support

Amount of caring, closeness and affection Linear relationship with positive child outcomes

More support associated with positive outcomes

Parental control Degree of flexibility used in enforcing rules and

disciplining a child Curvilinear relationship with positive child outcomes

Too lenient or to strict associated with poor outcomes

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Parenting Styles

DemocraticAuthoritarianPermissiveRejectingUninvolved

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Democratic Parenting

Clear rules and expectationsDiscussion with childrenEmotionally mature and happy children“Energetic-friendly” child behaviorsConsistency in findings

Cohesion Dimension: Connected to Cohesive

Couple and Family Map

Flexibility Dimension: Structured to Flexible

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Authoritarian Parenting

Rigid rules and ExpectationsStrict enforcement

obedience expected and demandedDifficult for adolescentsConflicted-irritable children

Flexibility Dimension: Structured to Rigid

Cohesion Dimension: Cohesive to Enmeshed

Couple and Family Map

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Permissive Parenting

Child’s preferences dominateFew or limited rulesImpulsive-aggressive childrenRebellious, domineering and

underachievingFlexibility Dimension: Flexible to Chaotic

Cohesion Dimension: Cohesive to Enmeshed

Couple and Family Map

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Rejecting Parenting

Limited attention to childFew expectations of childChildren immature and

psychological problems

Flexibility Dimension: Structured to Rigid

Cohesion Dimension: Connected to Disengaged

Couple and Family Map

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Uninvolved Parenting

Ignore childChild’s preferences prevail as long

as don’t interfere with parentSolitary, withdrawn, and

underachieving childrenFlexibility Dimension: Flexible to Chaotic

Cohesion Dimension: Connected to Disengaged

Couple and Family Map

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Parenting Styles and Couple and Family Map

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Parenting Style and Children’s Behavior

Parenting Style Children’s Behavior

Democratic Self reliant, cheerful, achievement oriented

Authoritarian Conflicted, irritable, unhappy, unstable

Permissive Impulsive, rebellious, underachieving

Rejecting Immature, psychologically challenged

Uninvolved Solitary, withdrawn, underachieving

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Theories of Childrearing

Family SystemsBidirectional effects

Psychodynamic Importance of early childhood experiences

OrganismicFocus on cognitive development

Learning TheoryRole of positive reinforcements

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Contemporary Parenting Issues

Standards of Discipline:Changing standards of indulgence

Corporal Punishment:Declining acceptanceEmerging evidence of negative outcomesGender, educational level, geographic, age,

and ethnic variations in acceptance

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Frequency of Adolescents Being Hit By a Parent

Straus, 2001

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Relationship between Corporal Punishment Received as Teenage and Adult Depression

Strauss, 1994

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Child Care

Approximately 63% of children are in some form of regular child care

National Institute of Child Health and Human Development Study:High quality day care associated with slight

language and learning enhancementDay care had less impact than family life

context

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Impact of Child Care

Factors influencing impact of child care on child’s development

Length of time in child careChildren’s stress responses as

influenced by age and genderFamily background

Greenspan, 2003; Crockenberg, 2003

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Coparenting

Cooperative arrangement between mothers and fathers

Equal responsibility in raising of children

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Coparenting Advantages

Greater satisfaction with marriageImproved relationships with childrenGreater father involvement with children

Increases emotional presence of fathersIncreased opportunities for mothers

Outside interests

Potential Disadvantage—Marital Neglect

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Contemporary Parenting

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Single Mothers By Choice

Chosen From a Position of StrengthFour Groups:

Anonymous Donor InseminationKnown Donor InseminationUnplanned PregnanciesAdoption

Strategic Development of Social Support Network

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Gay and Lesbian Parenting

Chosen by:Artificial inseminationAdoption

Impact on Children:Studies indicate no difference in

achievement and adjustmentImpact on Couple:

Koepke & Hare, 1995 found positive influences for Lesbian Couples

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Fatherhood

Images and expectations of fathers slow to change

Challenges to Father Presence:DivorceNon-marital childbearing

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Fathers as Nurturers

Fatherhood socially constructedFathers as capable as mothers in

performing nurturing tasksEngagement in father role

influenced or dependent upon:Mothers employmentSocial or cultural expectationsPersonal experience and comfort

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Responsible Fathers…

Wait to have children until they are prepared: FinanciallyEmotionally

Establish paternitySupport the mother of their childAre active in raising their child

Levine & Pitt, 1998

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The Death of a Child

Devastating Impact for Parents: Viewed by most as the worst crisis one could

experience

Recovery dependent upon: Support of each other Support of friends and relatives Support of professionals Belief in God Ability to push through the pain and move on