Book.7

THE LOSS OF YOU LINGERS

Two Perspectives of Cancer

THE LOSS OF YOU LINGERS

Danielle Teig

This book is comprised of two texts: A letter from a daughter to her mother after her mother passed away from cancer & excerpts from motherswith-cancer.wordpress.com

Copyright © 2015. All rights reserved. This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part by any means without permission.

WHAT TIME WAS I BORN?WHEN DID I WALK?WHAT WAS MY FIRST WORD?

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Some get cancer, some don’t. Some walk away, others live with the illness forever. Some live for a long time and some die

way before they are ready to go.

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I am alive


I step unsure into a world of rules and etiquette not knowing what is expected in many situations. I am lacking a certain kind of confidence. Decisions and depar-tures are difficult. As are dinner parties. Celebrations and ceremony. Any kind of change. Small things become symbolic. Every object matters—that moth eaten sweater, those photos. Suddenly I care about your silverware. My memory is an album of missed opportunities.


The day started out a little later than I had planned I was running late for church and the chapel that I attend is very small and difficult to sneak in late. I decided to go to the church that we belonged to when we first moved here (and during my treatment) as their mass starts 15 minutes later. This parish had been talking and planning and raising money to build a new church when we became members. I do believe things happen for a reason and as I sat in the church I became very reflective on the past 7 years. I sat in the old church and prayed to heal and survive when I was sick. Now 7 years later I sat in this new church and so thankful that I am still here. Cancer changed my life forever, not all bad, but changed nonetheless I am healed on the outside, but sometimes the emotional side still creeps up on me A few months back I had a “touch-up” procedure done. Before I left work for the appoin tment I looked at myself in the mirror and thought outwardly, most people that I meet now, have no idea that I am a cancer survivor My hair has grown in and they can’t tell that it is much thinner than before. My eyebrows and my eyelashes have grown back and my eyelashes hold mas-cara again. My scars are not visible when I am dressed. People cannot see the effects of the aromatase inhibi-tors But as I lay on the table with the greatest leopard hospital gown on… the tears started streaming down my face I was back 7 years ago as they wheeled me into the operating room to remove a part of my body. I have learned we must allow ourselves to honor these moments as part of the healing process too.

I wish I had paid closer attention



Even if they were small enough to not remem-ber going through treatment, they know all

too well the emotional pain it’s taken on me.

WHAT WERE YOUR SECRETS? WHAT WAS YOUR GREAT-EST SOURCE OF STRENGTH? WHEN DID YOU KNOW YOU WERE DYING?


THE LOSS

I have warned her I might get more sick and tired and that she can’t expect me to take her out all the time. I think that is all the prep-

aration I can do for now.


OF YOU


LINGERS.

The Loss of You Lingers 2 1514 2 Two Perspectives of Cancer

Today I add another tally mark, another year of survivorship, another year of losing more

friends to this disease, another year of remembering and imple-menting the lessons that I have learned from cancer, another year of hoping and praying that it does not come back, another year of making memories, but

most important. . . Another year of life. We need to live bravely, love fiercely and hold on to the things that matter. We need to

tell those we care for how much they mean to us and to do those things we always wanted to do.

No matter how long we have on this earth, we need to truly live...

I search for information about your life. Each scrapbook, letter, anecdote I come across is cru-cial to my desire to understand you and the choices you made. I have learned about affairs, abuse, all things you would not have wanted me to know. Yet they explain the missing blanks in my memory bank and round out your humanity.


DID YOU LIKE YOURSELF?WHO WAS YOUR GREAT-EST LOVE?WHAT DID YOU FEAR MOST?

I learned so many lessons from my cancer, mostly what is truly important. It changed

me in so many ways.

In your absence, I have had to imagine your acceptance.


I live with the fear everyday that ‘the cure’ will not be found soon enough for me. But I try not to let myself feel it — if I let myself

feel that fear, I would not be able to function in my everyday life. Be the wife, mother,

student, friend that I want to be.


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it is whatit is and

is okaywhat it is

How frightened you must have been shoul-dering so much of your illness alone. The level of your own isolation is a mystery to me. In my life, I try hard to reach out, to let others in. I fear loss more than anything. I turn on my computer. Make things up. I tell the truth. My daily work is toward connec-tion. My process of grieving the loss of you has been as much about birthing myself as letting you go.

WHO DID YOU DREAM YOU WOULD BE?DID YOU EVER LIVE ALONE?WHY DID YOU DIVORCE?DID YOU BE-LIEVE IN GOD?

DID YOU DOUBT ME? WOULD YOU HAVE ACCEPTED ME? WHAT DID YOU WISH FOR ME?w

It’s a hard life

WHAT WERE YOUR LAST THOUGHTS?WERE YOU PROUD?WERE YOU AT PEACE?WHAT IS IT LIKE TO DIE?

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I wish I had told her how amazing I thought she was.

I wish I’d said how beautiful she was.



Despite everything,

All these questions move me to search less and less for your answers and increasingly for my own.


life is

beautiful

The Loss of You Lingers: Two Perspectives of Cancer was designed and bound by Danielle Teig during the month

of March, 2015 in Boston, Massachusetts. It was typeset using Adobe Caslon Pro and Univers. This book was print-

ed on Cement text weight paper from Paper Source.

Design

Book.7