Detox your team: a low-conflict language for discussin and managing toxic behaviour

A low-conflict language for discussing and managing toxic behavior Detox your team

Ken Power Principal Engineer, Cisco Systems Thursday August 6, 2015

@ken_power

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Why explore toxic behaviors?

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Blaming

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Defensiveness

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Stonewalling

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Contempt

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What is your ‘common’ toxic behavior? What brings it out?

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Antidotes for blame

Are you willing to go on without blaming?

Address the behavior, do not attack the person

Soften the start-up

Find the request behind the criticism

Ventilate to coach

Use “I feel … I want” statements.



Antidotes for defensiveness

Active listening – use when team are not hearing each other accurately. “Bob, what did you hear Jim say?”

2% rule



Antidotes for stonewalling

Check for flooding and soothe

Get permission to proxy / speak for team member

Address fears of what will happen

Encourage engagement



Antidotes for contempt

Are you willing to resolve this without sarcasm?

Ventilate to coach

Check for flooding and soothe

Use “I feel … I want…” statements



Call to Action: What will you do with your teams?


Protocol for Dealing with Toxic Behaviors

Research says that teams that have a conflict protocol perform better than teams who don’t.


•  Think about your ideal team. How would that team handle conflicts and disagreements?

•  What are some behaviors you want to have happen when conflict occurs?

•  What are some things you do not want to happen when conflict occurs?

•  How will you hold one another accountable for these agreements? •  What will you do if someone breaks an agreement?

Conflict Protocol Questions


•  Educate your teams on their impact •  Call them when you see them; agree to proceed without them

•  Create a conflict protocol with your teams

•  Train your team to deal with toxins, e.g., COIN

Some general antidotes to toxic behaviors


Increase Positivity During Conflict using COIN (Context, Observation, Impact, Next)


•  Context puts the event or behavior in a time frame and setting so that it can be remembered. Where and when did this occur?

•  ︎Observation describes the actions and behavior that were Observation describes the actions and behavior that were witnessed, without evaluation or interpretation of the intent.

•  ︎Impact speaks to the reason for concern. Describe in a neutral way Impact speaks to the reason for concern. Describe in a neutral way the impact on you, other people, the work, the organization.

•  ︎Next – a request for change. Establish agreements and Next – a request for change. Establish agreements and understandings about what will be different in the future.


•  John Gottman. Why Marriages Succeed Or Fail.

•  John Gottman. The Science Of Trust: Emotional Attunement For Couples.

•  John Gottman. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

•  Virginia Satir. Lots of stuff.

•  CRR Global. Organization and Relationship System Coaching (ORSC). http://crrglobal.com/

•  CRR Global. Increasing Positivity During Conflict using COIN (Context, Observation, Impact, Next). http://www.crrglobal.com/_downloads/Coin-Conversation.pdf

References

@ken_power

http://www.linkedin.com/in/kenpower

[email protected]

http://kenpower.ie/

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Detox your team: a low-conflict language for discussin and managing toxic behaviour