NCAA, Final Four and March Madness are trademarks of the National Collegiate Athletic Association

IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT YOU CAN’T STOP WATCHING NCAA ® MARCH MADNESS ®An exploration into all the reasons man is unable to do anything but watch basketball during the NCAA ® Tournament. It has pictures!

I. MAN HAS ALWAYS NEEDED SPORT

II. BASkETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT

III. MARCH MADNESS IS THE ULTIMATE FORM OF BASkETBALL

IV. CONCLUSION (EPIC)

V. COkE ZERO LOGO

EXECUTIVE SUMMARY

page 3

FOR AS LONG AS MAN HAS ROAMED THE EARTH,

HE HAS NEEDED SPORT

SECTION IMan Riding Mammoth For Sport

page 4SECTION I: MAN HAS ALWAYS NEEDED SPORT

SPRINTING DODGINGPERIPHERAL

VISION

SABER-TOOTHEDTIGERS

CARELESSMAMMOTHS

ACTIVEVOLCANOES

DANGER

SKILL

JUMPING

WILDBOULDERS

EARLY MAN’S ENVIRONMENT MADE ATHLETIC SkILL ESSENTIAL

source: Some museum

page 5SECTION I: MAN HAS ALWAYS NEEDED SPORT

SPORTSPROWESS

HAS NICEWHEEL

HIGH-PAYINGJOB

ATT

RA

CTI

VE

NE

SS

BEAR-CLAWNECKLACE

GOODWITH KIDS

SPACIOUSCAVE

LITERACY

SPORT HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE BEST WAY FOR MAN TO SHOW HIS GENETICALLY DESIRABLE TRAITS

source: Cave magazine

page 6SECTION I: MAN HAS ALWAYS NEEDED SPORT

THROUGHOUT HISTORY, PLAYING SPORTS HAS BROUGHT MAN TOGETHER

TIMEBALL2043, MOON

FOOTBALL1900, GRIDIRON

HOCKEY1900, CANADA?

BASKETBALL1891, FARM

DUELING1830, WILD WEST

BASEBALL1845, FIELD

WRESTLING2400 BC, MUD PIT

JOUSTING950, CASTLE

TIGER TAG42,000 BC, JUNGLE

LACROSSE1100, NATIVE AMERICA

SAILBOATING1492, OCEAN

FOOTBALL1400, ENGLAND

THE BEGINNING OF TIME

source: Wikipedia

page 7SECTION I: MAN HAS ALWAYS NEEDED SPORT

TIMEBALL2043, MOON

FOOTBALL1900, GRIDIRON

HOCKEY1900, CANADA?

BASEBALL1845, FIELD

WRESTLING2400 BC, MUD PIT

TIGER TAG42,000 BC, JUNGLE

LACROSSE1100, NATIVE AMERICATHE BEGINNING

OF TIME

BASKETBALL1891, FARM

DUELING1830, WILD WEST

JOUSTING950, CASTLE

SAILBOATING1492, OCEAN

FOOTBALL1400, ENGLAND

THE BEGINNING OF TIME

THROUGHOUT HISTORY, WATCHING SPORTS HAS ALSO BROUGHT MAN TOGETHER

source: Wikipedia

page 8SECTION I: MAN HAS ALWAYS NEEDED SPORT

1%RATIONAL THOUGHT

3%THEY HAVE NO IDEA

3%TO IMPRESS GIRLS

3.5%ICE CREAM

89.5%OTHER GUYS ARE DOING IT

WHY GUYSDO THINGS

fig. 5

source: About a hundred other similar graphs

WATCHING SPORT TOGETHER SATISFIES MAN’S INHERENT HERD MENTALITY

page 9SECTION I: MAN HAS ALWAYS NEEDED SPORT

SPORT IS BETTER THAN: BUYING PAPER TOWELS. SITTING AT A TABLE DOING NOTHING. UNSALTED SNACKS. STAMPS. EYEBALL-ING MEASUREMENTS. GETTING A HAIRCUT. DRIVING A CARPOOL. RIDING IN A CARPOOL. TALKING TO BORING NEIGHBORS. USING A COASTER. USING A TOASTER. CHANGING VOICEMAIL. POURING OUT CAT FOOD. TRYING TO REMEMBER SOMEONE’S NAME. THINKING ABOUT BUFFALOS. DOING YOUR TAXES. WRITING OUT LONG LISTS OF THINGS. READING WORDS. ORDERING MAYO ON THE SIDE. WAITING IN A DENTIST’S WAITING ROOM. BOOKS ABOUT MOVIES. CHEESE STICKS. CLICKING A PEN FOR A LONG TIME. UNBENDING A PAPERCLIP. AN OLD HAT. EGG WHITES. SPILLING PASTA SAUCE. CLEANING UP YOUR PASTA SAUCE SPILL. TAKING OUT THE TRASH. MAKING THE LONG WALK FROM THE STREET TO THE HOUSE. PLAYING SILLY, POINTLESS GAMES. ONE-WAY FLIRTING. ANTI-SMELL SPRAY. REMEMBERING OLD CARTOONS. NEVER TRYING A COCONUT. JUICE THAT TASTES LIKE VEGETABLES. DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR THAT DAY. PUTTING AWAY WHAT YOU DECIDED NOT TO WEAR THAT DAY. LAUNDRY. UGH, I HATE LAUNDRY. CALLING JIM BACK AGAIN. READING ABOUT MATH. MATH ABOUT READING. EATING HALF A SANDWICH. TRYING TO DO TRICKS WHILE YOU’RE WALKING. DRAWING ON A NAPKIN. SOLVING PUZZLES. CONVERSATIONS ABOUT OLD THINGS. TRIMMING VARIOUS HAIRS AND SUCH. SHELLING NUTS. DRINKING SELTZER. CONSIDERING CHANGING SEATS BUT NOT. WISHING YOU WERE DOING SOMETHING ELSE. WALKING AROUND AIMLESSLY. CHANGING THE RADIO STATION. CHANGING THE RADIO STATION AGAIN . STARING AT SUSAN FROM ACROSS YOUR OFFICE. LEANING ON BRICK WALLS LOOKING DGF COOL. NETWORKING. REMEMBERING THOSE DIRECTIONS. CHOOS-ING SUSHI NAMING YOUR HOUSE AFTER A FAMOUS STADIUM. RENTING TUXEDOS. PAYING FOR THINGS. CUTTING A GRAPE-FRUIT. FIGURING OUT THE CORRECT TITLES FOR PEOPLE. MAKING SURE YOU HAVE A PROTEIN SHAKE EVERY DAY. EATING BED CEREAL. UPDATING PROFILES. LISTING FAMOUS DOGS. PICKLE SLICES. WORKING ON VARIOUS GYMNASTICS MOVES. ASKING COWORKERS WHERE TO FIND A GOOD TACO. YOUR FRIEND CHESTER. BREAKING A FLIP-FLOP. WIPING OFF YOUR KEYBOARD. CONTINUING TO WORK ON REALLY LONG LISTS. TAKING NAPS. GOING TO A GOOD OLD-FASHIONED TRACTOR PULL. ORDERING FOOD. CONSUMING MEDIA. MAKING GIFS. ADJUSTING THE TEMPERATURE OF THE SHOWER. ACCIDENTALLY REPLYING ALL. DECORATING FOR VARIOUS HOLIDAYS. SHOPPING FOR TRENDY YET POORLY BUILT SWEDISH FURNITURE ON A RAINY SATUR-DAY. GIVING PEOPLE THE THUMBS-UP. ANYTHING OF OR RELATING TO BIOCHEMISTRY. LOOKING AT BORING STACKS OF NUMBER BRICKS ON YOUR COMPUTER. FIGURING OUT VARIOUS TV REMOTES. EXPLAINING THINGS TO YOUR MOTHER. LISTEN-ING TO YOUR MOTHER EXPLAIN THINGS TO YOU. FARTING. JUST KIDDING, FARTING IS FUN. SITTING INDIAN-STYLE. SMELLING DELICIOUS FOOD THAT IS NOT YOURS. MATCHING SOCKS. COUNTING FRECKLES. WAITING FOR A TRAIN TO PASS. MAN, THAT’S A LONG TRAIN. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I’M GONNA GO A DIFFERENT WAY. STICKER BOOKS. FILLING OUT VARIOUS DOCUMENTS. WRITING THANK-YOU NOTES. SEEING HOW LONG YOU CAN HOLD YOUR BREATH. SINGING THE WRONG LYRICS. SPILLING KETCHUP ON YOURSELF. LOSING YOUR CELL PHONE. PIGS. SPROUTS. FILING FILES IN FILING CABINETS. READING ENTIRE LISTS.

SPORT COMPENSATES FOR MAN’S RELATIVELY UNEXCITING LIFE

page 10SECTION I: MAN HAS ALWAYS NEEDED SPORT

SPORT HERO

ASTRONAUT

PRESIDENT

INTERNATIONALMAN OF MYSTERY

SINGLE BRIANFROM NEXT DOOR

STRENGTH

WISDOM

RESPECT

QUALITIES OF MENTHAT OTHER MEN

WANT TO BE

SPORT IS THE BEST WAY TO LIVE VICARIOUSLY

source: 2012 Census

page 11SECTION I: MAN HAS ALWAYS NEEDED SPORT

MAN WATCHING SPORTMAN NOT WATCHING SPORT

ANGRY ANGRY

IN LOVE IN LOVE

HYSTERICAL HYSTERICAL

CONFIDENT CONFIDENT

BORED BORED

FRUSTRATED FRUSTRATED

DEPRESSED DEPRESSED

DETERMINED DETERMINED

CONFUSED CONFUSED

HAPPY HAPPY

SHOCkED SHOCkED

???? ????

source: Extensive Emotional Testing

SPORT PROVIDES MAN WITH AN EMOTIONAL OUTLET

page 12

BASkETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT

SECTION IIThe Geometric Beauty of Basketball

page 13SECTION II: BASKETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT

BASKETS BALLS

BASkETBALL IS COMPOSED OF PERFECT ELEMENTS

source: Baskets: The Documentary

page 14SECTION II: BASKETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT

THE BASkET HAS LONG BEEN A CORNERSTONE OF HUMAN CIVILIZATION

CARBON ALLOY EGG BASKETS1967, CANADA

BICYCLE BASKETS1853, USA

FANCY BASKETPRESENTED TO PILGRIMS

1621, NEW ENGLAND

INTERWOVEN BASKETS4000 BC, ALSO MESOPOTAMIA

HANDLED BASKETS500 BC, DENMARK

MOSES’ BABY BASKET1500 BC, ANCIENT EGYPT

WOVEN BASKETS8000 BC, MESOPOTAMIA FIRST PICNIC BASKETS

1720, ROMANIA

WWI PIGEON BASKETS1871, FRANCE

NANOBASKETS2012, USA

BASKETS.COM1999, USA

THE GOLDEN AGE OF BASKETS

source: Baskets: The Documentary

page 15SECTION II: BASKETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT

BALLS HAVE CAPTIVATED AND INFLUENCED MANkIND EVER SINCE THE

AZTECS FIRST WORSHIPPED THE SUN

source: Baskets: The Documentary

• BasketBalls • sun • earth • Moon • eyeBalls • DeFensIVe arMaDIllos • Donut holes • snowBalls • oranges • atoMs • Bullet poInts

ROUND OBJECTS OF HISTORICAL NOTE

page 16SECTION II: BASKETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT

FILLING AN EMPTY BASkET IS PSYCHOLOGICALLY FULFILLING

source: Baskets: The Documentary

HAPPINESS

FULFILLMENT

A SENSE OF PLACEIN THIS WORLDAMIDST ALLTHE CHAOS

HAPPINESS

FULFILLMENT

A SENSE OF PLACEIN THIS WORLD

AMIDST ALLTHE CHAOS

EMPTY BASKET FULL BASKET

page 17SECTION II: BASKETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT

THE COMBINATION OF BASkETS AND BALLSRESULTED IN A NEW FORM OF PERFECTION

source: Declassified NSA documents

BASKETBALLBASKETS BALLS

page 18SECTION II: BASKETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT

source: 1965 Basketball Handbook

Gives short man purposein tall man’s game

THREE-POINT LINE

Perfect distance for man to attempt low-percentage shot when alone in gym

HALF-COURT LINE

Remind man of his childhood love of blocks

LOW BLOCKS

Man has always preferredwatching paint to painting paint

THE PAINT

Man has alwaysloved free things

FREE-THROW LINE

EVERY PART OF THE COURT SATISFIES AN ELEMENT OF MAN’S COMPLEX PSYCHE

page 19SECTION II: BASKETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT

THE RULES AND REGULATIONS OF THE GAME APPEAL TO MAN’S BASIC NEEDS

source: 1967 Basketball Handbook

COLLEGIATE SHOT CLOCK AVERAGE ATTENTION SPAN

AVERAGE COMMERCIAL BREAK

AVERAGE BATHROOM BREAK (#1)

35 seconds 34.86 seconds

120 seconds

page 20SECTION II: BASKETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT

THROWING THINGS IS MORE FUN THAN NOT THROWING THINGS

NOT THROWINGTHROWING

BALLS ROCKS BEEHIVESPIES

FUN

BACHELOR PARTIES

source: Tibetan scrolls

page 21SECTION II: BASKETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT

THE GREATEST MOMENTS IN BASkETBALL ARE THE GREATEST MOMENTS IN SPORTS

source: Extensive emotional testing

AWESOMELAME

HIGH SKILL

LOW SKILL

SLAM DUNK BUZZER BEATER(BASKETBALL)

SLAM DUNK(BASKETBALL)

BUZZER BEATER(BASKETBALL)

GRAND SLAM(BASEBALL)

EPIC SLOG(CRICKET)

PASSATA SOTTO(FENCING)

BALK(BASEBALL)

EQUESTRIAN(EQUESTRIAN)

DIFFICULT PUTT(GOLF)

DIVING HEADER(SOCCER)

TRIPLE SIX(DARTS)

BEACH VOLLEYBALL DIG(VOLLEYBALL)

PERFECT GAME(BASEBALL)

BOWLING A 300(BOWLING)

HAIL MAR

R

Y PASS(FOOTBALL)

page 22

NCAA® MARCH MADNESS® IS THE ULTIMATE FORM

OF BASkETBALL

SECTION IIIMan Carrying the Burden of March Madness

page 23SECTION III: THE ULTIMATE FORM OF BASKETBALL

source: Dictionary

mad•ness´mæd nis (n.)1. COLLEGE BASKETBALL TOURNAMENT2. INTENSE EXCITEMENT OR HILARITY3. A SITUATION THAT SEEMS TO MAKE NO SENSE

page 24SECTION III: THE ULTIMATE FORM OF BASKETBALL

WHEN THERE ARE 67 GAMES IN 21 DAYS, THERE IS NO TIME FOR ANYTHING

BESIDES BASkETBALL

4%WORK

WATCHING BASKETBALL

6%FRISBEE

7%TALKING ABOUT WATCHING BASKETBALL

8%DREAMING ABOUT WATCHING BASKETBALL

9%WATCHING BASKETBALL HIGHLIGHTS

66%

MARCH 18 THROUGH APRIL 8

source: Survey of Brian in accounting

page 25SECTION III: THE ULTIMATE FORM OF BASKETBALL

EVERY GAME OF THE TOURNAMENT FEEDS MAN’S ATTRACTION TO SINGLE ELIMINATION

source: Single Elimination, The Musical

TOURNAMENTS DUELING GLADIATORS PIÑATAS

POPULAR FORMS OFSINGLE ELIMINATION

page 26SECTION III: THE ULTIMATE FORM OF BASKETBALL

EVERYBODY IS DOING IT

source: The Internet

HOURS STREAMING GAME VIDEO

CHILDREN NAMEDAFTER SPORTSANCHORS10,300,000

BRACKETS FILLED OUT

40,000,000

PEOPLE WATCHING THE FINAL

20,000,000 18

page 27SECTION III: THE ULTIMATE FORM OF BASKETBALL

NCAA® MARCH MADNESS® GENERATESLARGE AMOUNTS OF PEER PRESSURE

source: 30-million sample survey

PEER PRESSURE

JAN

FEB

MA

R

APR

MAY

JUN

JUL

AU

G

SEP

OC

T

NO

V

DEC

WATCH NCAA TOURNAMENT

PAY TAXES

BUY FIREWORKS

SHOP AT MALLS

page 28SECTION III: THE ULTIMATE FORM OF BASKETBALL

source: Water Cooler Weekly

STE

AK

THE TOURNAMENT PREPARES MAN FOR MOST MARCH/APRIL

WATER-COOLER TOPICS

page 29SECTION III: THE ULTIMATE FORM OF BASKETBALL

source: Uncle Terry

ROVER LANDINGON MARS

CULTURAL SIGNIFICANCE

NCAAMARCHMADNESS

JIM GETTINGA NEW GRILL

PRESIDENTIALINAUGURATION

INTERNATIONALKAYAKINGSUMMIT

MARCH MADNESS ELEVATES BASkETBALL TO EXTREME CULTURAL IMPORTANCE.

page 30

CONCLUSION

SECTION IV

page 31SECTION IV: CONCLUSION

MARCH MADNESS IS THE ULTIMATE FORM OF BASkETBALL

IF

AND

AND

BASkETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT

MAN HAS ALWAYS NEEDED SPORT

THEN

page 32SECTION IV: CONCLUSION

MAN IS COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY POWERLESS AGAINST

MARCH MADNESS

AVERAGE ATTENTION SPAN POWERLESS100%

MAN

page 33

• WARM UP THAT LASER POINTER • ROUND UP THOSE BOSSES • AND ENJOY EVERYTHING BASkETBALL

SO:

page 34

enjoy everything