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Learning Outcomes

By the end of the course you will :

Have knowledge and understanding of where you need to be as a person before you can act assertively Have identified your rights as an individual (Believe in?)

Have knowledge and understanding of how we communicate assertively and the value of listening and questioning skills in doing so

Have knowledge and understanding of the 3 main types of behaviour and how to use this to deal with difficult people and situations

Have identified and know how to remove your “blockers” to behaving assertively

Have knowledge and understanding of why a “Win – Win” mentality is critical for long term individual survival

Have knowledge and understanding of the Thomas Kilmann Conflict Model

Have identified the positive behaviours we need to work productively

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Creating an Environment which supports

Positive Behaviour

Beginning with YOU

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Stimulus Response

Gather Information

Generate Options

Select “Best” Option

Take Decision

Review Decision

The Decision Taking Process

Make

M

A

K

E

The World Changes Here

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What does this say?

happinessisnowhere

happiness is now here

Positive v Negative Thinking

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Is your view of the world the only one?

What do you see?

What might they see?

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Are things always as they seem?

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The way an individual perceives, understands and interprets the surrounding world

– a mental map

Paradigms

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“If you want small changes, work on your behaviour. If you want quantum leap changes work on your paradigms”

Stephen R.Covey- “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People”

Changing YOUR Paradigm

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A Foundation Model – For you to follow

CharacterCharacter CompetenceCompetence

A person with high A person with high character exhibits integrity, character exhibits integrity, maturity and an Abundance maturity and an Abundance Mentality Mentality

A person with high A person with high competence has competence has knowledge and ability knowledge and ability in a given areain a given area

TrustworthinessTrustworthiness

TrustTrust

Being Truly Being Truly EffectiveEffective

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““WeWe who lived in concentration camps can remember the who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked throughout the huts comforting others, men who walked throughout the huts comforting others,

giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that

everything can be taken away from a man but one thing : everything can be taken away from a man but one thing : the last of the human freedoms the last of the human freedoms – to choose ones’ attitude in – to choose ones’ attitude in

any given set of circumstances, to choose ones own way”any given set of circumstances, to choose ones own way”

Viktor Frankl – Man’s Search for Meaning Viktor Frankl – Man’s Search for Meaning

Attitude is everything – Who chooses yours?

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Dealing with People

Only YOU can develop the model of YOU required to act assertively

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“Seek first to understand Then be understood” – Habit 5

Think Win – Win – Habit 4

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Developing a Win – Win Relationship

The OK Corral

I’m OK

Your OK

I’m OK

Your not OK

I’m not OK

Your OK

I’m not OK

Your not OK

Win Win

Lose Win

Win Lose

Lose Lose

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The Three Main Behaviours

Aggressive – Assertive – Non-assertive (Submissive)

Productive v Unproductive Behaviours

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Levels of Listening

• Ignoring – Making no effort to listen

• Pretend Listening – Giving the appearance of listening

• Selective Listening – Hearing the bits that interest you

• Attentive Listening – Paying attention, focusing, comparing to personal experiences

• Empathetic Listening – Listening and responding with both heart and mind

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The Power of QuestionsThe Power of Questions

• Reflective – You seem unhappy about …?

• Open – Tell me about …? To what extent does …?

• Probing – Tell me more about …? Better in what way …?

• Link – You mentioned that …?

• Direct – When do you need this by …?

• Closed – Are you happy with the proposal?

• Silence

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Can you see what they see?

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How do they see things?

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Assertiveness means ..

• Standing up for your own rights in such a way that you do not violate another persons rights

• Expressing your needs, wants, opinions feelings and beliefs in direct, honest and appropriate ways

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Assertiveness

Assertiveness is based on the belief that in any situation;

• You have needs to be met

• The other people involved have needs to be met

• You have rights, so do others

• You have something to contribute, so do others

Aim - To achieve “Win – Win”

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Submissiveness means ..

• Failing to stand up for your rights or doing so in such a way that others can disregard them

• Expressing your needs, wants, opinions feelings and beliefs in apologetic, diffident or self effacing ways

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Submissiveness

Submissiveness is based on the belief that in any situation:

• The other persons needs and wants are more important than your own

• The other person has rights, but you do not

• You have little or nothing to contribute, the other person has a great deal to contribute

Aim – To avoid conflict and please others – “perceived benefits”

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AGGRESSION MEANS ..• STANDING UP FOR YOUR OWN RIGHTS BUT DOING SO IN SUCH A WAY THAT YOU VIOLATE THE RIGHTS OF OTHER PEOPLE

• IGNORING OR DISMISSING THE NEEDS, WANTS AND OPINIONS, FEELINGS OR BELIEFS OF OTHERS

• EXPRESSING YOUR OWN NEEDS, WANTS AND OPINIONS (WHICH MAY BE HONEST OR DISHONEST) IN INAPPROPRIATE WAYS

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AGGRESSIONAGGRESSION is based on the belief that in any situation:

• YOUR OWN NEEDS, WANTS AND OPINIONS ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN OTHER PEOPLE’S

• YOU HAVE RIGHTS BUT OTHER PEOPLE DO NOT

• YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO CONTRIBUTE, OTHERS HAVE LITTLE OR NOTHING TO CONTRIBUTE

AIM – TO WIN. IF NECESSARY AT THE EXPENSE OF OTHERS.

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Assertive “Persuasion”

• Relax (as far as possible)

• Have your information ready

• Be sure of your facts

• Calmly state your feelings

• Keep to the point

• Acknowledge the other persons point of view

• Encourage joint solutions where possible

• Go for “Win – Win”

• Summarise the agreement

Acknowledge Feelings

Make positive statements

Listen & Question

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Dealing with things Assertively

Dealing Assertively with submissive/aggressive behaviour

• Self Awareness – Know the potential affects and exercise control

• The“Self-fulfilling prophesy” – Make it positive

• The “Inner Dialogue” – Make the right choices

• Assertive Persuasion – Memorise the process and choose to use it (Listening and Questioning – a Team of Two)

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Have we agreed the Principles?

• We all have rights to which we are entitled

• Others have rights to which they are entitled

• Everyone has the right to be treated with respect

• In working towards a solution these rights must be respected at all times

• Our style of behaviour is by personal choice

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Looking at Conflict – Causes and Responses

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The Thomas - Kilmann Model

Defining the conflict modes

Ass

erti

ven

ess

Co-operation

Collaborating

(High Assertive/High Coop)

(Low Assertive/High Coop)

Accommodating

Compromising

(Mid Assertive/Mid Coop)

Competing

(High Assertive/Low Coop)

(Low Assertive/Low Coop)

Avoiding

Avoidance (low coop, low assertiveness) Denial, under-responsiveness, shifting, semantic focus, postponement, – Advantage - takes out the heat of the moment– Disadvantage - conflict remains unresolved, may lead to larger outbreak

Competition (low coop, high assertiveness) Presumptive attribution, prescription– Advantage - increased creativity and enthusiasm– Disadvantage - violence, driving opponent underground

Compromise (moderate coop and assert)Reaching for a middle ground

– Advantage - often actually resolves the conflict– Disadvantage - may actually be bad policy or decision by not staying true to either set of goals

Accommodation (High coop, Low assert.) Appeasement, smoothing over – Advantage - often quickly leads to solution– Disadvantage - may, in the long run, be detrimental, denies the legitimacy of the claims of one of the participants

Collaboration (High coop, High assert.)–Use description, qualification, accept responsibility, initiating problem solving– Advantage - Achieves trusting relationships– Disadvantage - difficult and many are not trained to do it very well

The Thomas - Kilmann Model

Defining the conflict modes

Ass

erti

ven

ess

Co-operation

Collaborating

(High Assertive/High Coop)

(Low Assertive/High Coop)

Accommodating

Compromising

(Mid Assertive/Mid Coop)

Competing

(High Assertive/Low Coop)

(Low Assertive/Low Coop)

Avoiding

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Learning Outcomes

By the end of the course you will :

Have knowledge and understanding of where you need to be as a person before you can act assertively Have identified your rights as an individual (Believe in?)

Have knowledge and understanding of how we communicate assertively and the value of listening and questioning skills in doing so

Have knowledge and understanding of the 3 main types of behaviour and how to use this to deal with difficult people and situations

Have identified and know how to remove your “blockers” to behaving assertively

Have knowledge and understanding of why a “Win – Win” mentality is critical for long term individual survival

Have knowledge and understanding of the Thomas Kilmann Conflict Model

Have identified the positive behaviours we need to work productively

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“We first make our habits then our habits make us” Stephen Covey

Knowledge (what to, why to)

Desire (want to)

Skill (how to)

Habits

Changing Habits

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Within (Team Name ) we will build effective working relationships by:

Creating a safe and comfortable working environment

Being open, trusting and honest with one another

Valuing and respecting all fellow workers

Having two-way communication

Accepting that you can say “no” without feeling guilty

Encouraging equality by showing no favouritism and not allowing cliques to develop

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Within (Team Name) we will build effective working relationships by:

RESPECT – Respecting and valuing fellow workers

COMMUNICATION – Effective two-way communication

TRUST – Being open, honest and approachable

EQUALITY – Treating everyone equally and fairly

ATTITUDE – Being positive and focused

SUPPORT – Showing compassion and sincerity

DIVERSITY – Respecting individuality