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WelcomeTo view material from this talk visit
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“The most common form of despair is not being who you are”
Soren Kierkegaard
Presented by: Mandy Johnson
Unmasking Co-dependency
Historically vs New Perspective
Historically - seen as long suffering partner or relative
of a chemically dependent or other addicted person.
Today the field has widened: Co-dependency viewed
as a learned behaviour which can begin at any time
in life as a copying skill.
Definition
“Co-dependence is the most common of all
addictions: the addiction to looking elsewhere. We
believe that something outside of ourselves—that is,
outside of our True Self can give us happiness and
fulfillment.
The ‘elsewhere’ may be people, places, things, or
behaviors or experiences. Whatever it is, we may
neglect our own selves for it.”
Charles L.Whitfield,MD
Charles L. Whitfield, M.D.
“The wounding of our true selves to such an extent, that in order for us to have survived,
we developed a pseudo false self, which now runs our lives.
It is thus a disease of lost self-hood.
A co-dependent person has little or no sense of self. Their whole life is spent in extreme acts
to meet others’ expectations. “
These self-defeating learned
behaviours diminish our capacity to be in intimate loving relationships.
‘including with ourselves’
The Iceberg Model: Relationship of Adult Child Wounding, Co-dependence and Various Disorders – Charles L Whitfield, M.D.
Recovery Stages
0
1
2
3
Unhealthy Society
Fear of Abandonment
Toxic Shame
Other Traumas
Adult Child Wounding
True Self Goes Into Hiding
Chronic Emptiness
Primary Co-dependence (Adult Child Syndrome) Tying To Fill The Emptiness From The Outside
Frustrated Attempts to Fill the Emptiness – people pleasing tolerate inappropriate behaviour
Depression, Anxiety, other
Disorders
Chemical Dependence
Eating Disorders
Stress Disorders
Relationship Addictions
Compulsions
Unhealthy Family of Origin
Life chaotic/Hyper-reactive
Addictions/compulsions increase
Internalise parents & others inadequacy
Needs not met
Red Flags
• Focus on another's needs and problems
• Neglect our own wellbeing & emotional health
• Inability to say no when it is warranted
• Thoughts feeling & needs of others before our
own
Recovery Means
Learning about feelings & acknowledging them
Learning how to grieve
Learning how to get one’s needs met
Setting healthy boundaries
Learning how to deal with emotional pain
Healthy assertive communication skills
How to say no & having choices
Dealing with guilt & shame
Getting to explore the true authentic self – masks are dropped
ABSTINENCE
Internal locus of control/self-directed
AWARENESS
Know our internal patterns
ACTION
New behaviours/honesty and confidence arise
ACCEPTANCE
Mindfulness & compassion
Recovery
Begins at the moment we recognise the futility of
compulsively trying to control the thoughts, feelings,
decisions, choices & behaviour of OTHER PEOPLE.
In order to RECOVER, we have to DISCOVER who we
truly are.
Invitation
“It is by going into the abyss that we recover
the treasures of life”
Joseph Campbell
THANKS FOR LISTENING
www.mindfulinsight.co.za
POEM: THE WAY UNDER THE WAY – MARK NEPO
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