George Carlin Quotes

PowerPoint Show by Andrew

"A lot of people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt"

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac"

"I'm completely in favor of the separation of church and state. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death"

""I am" is reportedly is the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?"

"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity"

"The next time they give you all that civic crap about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election"

"A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff"

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live"

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam"

"Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music"

"If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?"

"How is it possible to have a civil war?"

"I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."

"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?"

"Ever wonder about those people who spend four dollars a piece for those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward."

"Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it."

"I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?"

"If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made of that stuff?"

"I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed."

"If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?"

"I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink and be Mary."

"I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening."