You’re having a birthday, and I have very little I can do in the way of presents or proper (or,...

You’re having a birthday, and I have very little I can do in the way of presents or

proper (or, even better, improper) celebration, for a number of pretty obvious

reasons.

Well, that just stinks.

So I did some pondering and thought I could either just give you the card with the

Hickory Farms gift certificate (that’s a gift that just keeps right on givin’) or I could

find some way to explain my idea of how I’d like to spend your birthday. Or my birthday. Or any day ending in “y”. I’d like to tell you a little story with some intermittent pictoral

supplementation.

And here it is.

For starters, this whole 1,500 mile distance thing does not conduce to my plan, so for

the duration of this presentation let’s pretend that you have come to my place, where we can be free from all those distractions you

have.

As our play opens you knock on the door, I answer, and you step inside.

Let’s begin.

This is the first foot-and-a-half or so inside my door.

I figure if I really do my best and show some restraint I might be able to let you

get almost this far.

Then I would have to grab you, rip your clothes off, and do you.

Probably right up against the door.

Whew! Been waiting quite a while for that, let me tell you. There will, of course, be more of that later, so

let’s get our energy up.

Have a seat. Dinner will be served shortly.

Now, I’ve been practicing cooking a few different dishes other than those I usually prepare so I can whip up something good for you. I’m not sure right now exactly what that

dish will be, so what are you in the mood for?

Steak?

Fish?

I also fetch a mean McDonalds, if you prefer.

Well, I’ll figure out exactly what to make by the time such a dinner

becomes possible. Just trust that it will be the pinnacle of numminess.

And of course, there will be drinks.

There will be many drinks.

You may want to indulge in some serious escapism via drinkage or you

may not. Either way I’ll have a collection ready and you can have

whatever you want and I’ll serve it to you and do my best to get you a little

tipsy and really take advantage of your lowered inhibitions. So whatever you

choose, drink up!

And whether that be champagne kirs…

…some brandy…

… a glass of good wine…

…or a mystery bottle of something clear that’s been sitting in my cupboard for a few years and claims to

be whiskey even though it clearly is not…

…enjoy!

And what dinner what be complete without a decedent dessert involving whip cream and/or chocolate sauce

and could only be served to one another?

Well, this dinner, apparently.

But I haven’t been completely thoughtless when it comes to the

after-dinner indulgence. No, ma’am! How about for dessert you get…

A little bit of this sweet action!

Woo!

Woo!

Woo!

And after I’ve aroused your primal urges to previously unexperienced levels of animal frenzy with my sensuously writhing and desirable bootiness, we’ll retire to a more

suitable room.

Ooh, yeah….

Why, those appears to be new sheets! Unspoiled! Clean and fresh and satiny and oh-so-silky and slippery and just begging

for some nakedness!

Who are we to say no?

Let’s prepare.

You’ll need the proper attire, for starters.

And in case we run out of ideas (not a big concern of mine, but just in case)

we have an instruction manual.

And in this box are a few props that I am not going to reveal to you at this time. There are some things

you’ll just have to experience first hand.

And a bottle of Gatorade kept handy. Gotta keep hydrated when

there’s exercise and sweating involved!

Let’s put all those things within easy reach and get you on that bed.

And I’ll grab some of this. I want to really give you a good massage and

slowly work the small amount of clothing you are wearing off of you.

I’d like to give a good one, but I’m warning you up front, I’m not at all sure how long the massage will last.

It will last until I’m overcome by the feel of your warm naked skin sliding under my hands as I rub them up your legs and over your hips and across your back and down to your hips again and I can’t help but kiss the back of

your neck and all over your exposed body and feel your pulse under my lips and I gently bite your ear and see tiny goose bumps raise as my breath moves across the

base of your hairline and I slowly move down on top of you so I feel your slippery skin with my entire body and then move off just enough to allow you to roll over and I

can taste your lips and feel your naked body move underneath mine and I grab you hard and try to hold

onto you as we slide around in the sheets and get a little hotter and a little wetter and more slippery and we

Whoa. I need to take a break from writing for a moment.

Give me just a second here.

OK. Now. As I was saying, the scene would go something like I can’t really show here. I’m pretty sure they don’t

allow that sort of thing on the internet. You’ll have to use your imagination for the next slide.

(Scene missing)

Afterward: shower, anyone?

Shower by candlelight, maybe?

I know it’s not quite a giant tub filled with bubbles, but I think we can make it

work.

Here I’ll be giving you a good thorough cleaning. And by cleaning I mostly mean rubbing you while the hot steamy water

pours over us.

I’d like to clean you hard up against the shower wall.

Now, all this cleaning just may lead to some getting dirty

again, I know.

For you, that’s a risk I’m willing to take.

So from the shower we move to…

(Scene missing)

Ambitious in my expectations? Yeah, probably so. But while this is your gift it is my imagination I’m

working from here.

At this time I’d like to show you another box.

Believe it or not, I actually did get you a real present for your birthday.

It’s nothing big, despite what the fancy packaging may lead you to believe, but I actually did put some thought into it.

I agonized over how to get a gift to you without causing any problems for you, and I’m afraid I came up with nothing.

And since it’s not a big enough deal to risk getting you in trouble, I’ll just hold onto it.

Which is not to say I don’t want you to have it. It’s more to say that someday circumstances may allow an easier

transition and until then, I’ll take good care of it.

And in the meantime I’d like to further waste space by explaining, in overwrought pedantic speech, exactly how I

came to be in possession of such-

Oh, to heck with this.

(Scene missing)

Afterwards, I’m sure a little rest will be in order.

So it’s lights out, and I plan to listen to you breathe until I fall asleep.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I frequently suffer from insomnia. That means if I wake up I

need something to, um, do.

Just warning you. I might feel you lying next to me and need to feel you closer and explore you

by touch since it’s so darned dark.

Anyway that’s about the gist of it. Naturally I’m hoping for a really fat breakfast and a day of

lying around in pajamas and the two of us never actually making it outside, maybe watching

movies but not remembering more than the first two minutes, maybe ordering Chinese, and so

on.

But that would be icing. Actually anything beyond just being able to see you would be.

Happy birthday, Gwen. I hope you have an enormously fun one.

Also hope you think about these things a little bit afterwards.

The End