The Power of Apology

TheThe PowerPower ofof ApologyApology

JimJim WeinsteinWeinstein isis aa highlyhighly acknowledgedacknowledged careercareer developmentdevelopment counselorcounselor inin WashingtonWashington DCDC

withwith 1818 yearsyears ofof experienceexperience inin lifelife consulting,consulting, psychotherapypsychotherapy privateprivate practice,practice, andand careercareer

counseling.counseling. HeHe isis wellwell knownknown forfor providingproviding hishis clientsclients withwith effectiveeffective adviceadvice asas wellwell asas anan expertexpert

opinionopinion relatedrelated toto careercareer -- howhow oneone cancan findfind aa suitablesuitable one,one, survivesurvive inin it,it, andand cancan bebe successfulsuccessful inin

hishis oror herher career.career. HeHe hashas assistedassisted hundredshundreds ofof hishis clientsclients withwith careercareer transitiontransition inin DCDC,, alongalong

withwith significantlysignificantly improvingimproving theirtheir careercareer andand lifelife satisfaction.satisfaction.

InIn thisthis article,article, JimJim hashas describeddescribed thethe powerpower ofof apology,apology, aa fewfew ofof selfishselfish reasonsreasons toto apologize,apologize, andand

thethe essentialessential elementselements thatthat mustmust bebe includedincluded inin youryour apology.apology.

ApologizingApologizing isn'tisn't anan awfulawful lotlot ofof fun.fun. InIn thethe actact ofof apologyapology youyou areare revisitingrevisiting somethingsomething thatthat

happenedhappened toto youyou thatthat waswas wrongwrong oror bad,bad, hurtfulhurtful oror untrueuntrue (or(or maybemaybe allall ofof thethe above).above). NoNo wonderwonder

apologiesapologies occuroccur soso muchmuch lessless frequentlyfrequently thanthan transgressions.transgressions. ButBut therethere areare otherother facetsfacets toto thethe

displeasuredispleasure ofof apologyapology whichwhich II willwill writewrite aboutabout here.here.

YouYou maymay oftenoften feelfeel anan urgeurge oror responsibilityresponsibility toto apologizeapologize butbut don'tdon't becausebecause ofof thethe feelingfeeling thatthat byby

apologizingapologizing youyou areare lettingletting thethe otherother personperson offoff thethe hook.hook. PerhapsPerhaps youyou feelfeel thatthat apologyapology perper sese isis

fine,fine, butbut toto apologizeapologize firstfirst suggestssuggests primaryprimary culpability,culpability, andand thereforetherefore youyou hanghang backback becausebecause youyou

KNOWKNOW itit waswas thethe otherother personperson whowho waswas mostlymostly toto blame.blame. AndAnd youyou can'tcan't veryvery wellwell say,say, "I'll"I'll

apologizeapologize ifif youyou dodo too"too" (well(well maybemaybe youyou cancan inin certaincertain somewhatsomewhat jocularjocular circumstancescircumstances butbut asas aa

generalgeneral rulerule conditionalconditional apologiesapologies don'tdon't squarelysquarely addressaddress thethe harmharm inflicted).inflicted). SoSo youyou waitwait forfor thethe

otherother personperson toto apologizeapologize first.first.

SometimesSometimes thatthat cancan involveinvolve aa veryvery longlong wait.wait. II hearhear ofof divorcesdivorces initiatedinitiated byby aa refusalrefusal ofof apology,apology,

siblingssiblings whowho haven'thaven't spokenspoken toto eacheach otherother inin decades,decades, grandparentsgrandparents whowho havehave nevernever metmet theirtheir

grandchildren.grandchildren. HowHow sad.sad. ThatThat isis thethe priceprice thatthat youyou mightmight havehave toto paypay ifif youyou can'tcan't looklook yourselfyourself

squarelysquarely inin thethe mirrormirror andand say,say, "Maybe"Maybe II waswas wrong.wrong. MaybeMaybe II misinterpreted.misinterpreted. MaybeMaybe II didn'tdidn't fullyfully

understand."understand."

FaceFace it,it, conflictconflict betweenbetween twotwo peoplepeople inin relationshiprelationship (whether(whether platonic,platonic, romantic,romantic, filial,filial, marital,marital, oror

eveneven corporate)corporate) isis generallygenerally duedue toto "misdeeds""misdeeds" byby bothboth people,"people," misdeedsmisdeeds thatthat inin andand ofof

themselvesthemselves aren'taren't suchsuch aa bigbig dealdeal butbut thatthat serveserve asas triggerstriggers forfor pentpent upup resentments.resentments.

SoSo let'slet's looklook atat aa couplecouple ofof selfishselfish reasonsreasons toto apologize:apologize:

First,First, failurefailure toto apologizeapologize forfor youryour contributioncontribution toto aa situationsituation thatthat wentwent wrongwrong allowsallows thosethose

resentmentsresentments toto continuecontinue toto fester.fester. ApologyApology cancan clearclear thethe air.air. Second,Second, contemplatingcontemplating makingmaking anan

apologyapology alsoalso providesprovides anan opportunityopportunity toto examineexamine youryour ownown behaviorbehavior withwith aa criticalcritical eyeeye andand toto

recognizerecognize charactercharacter oror behaviorbehavior flawsflaws thatthat tootoo oftenoften remainremain II acknowledgedacknowledged becausebecause youyou areare soso

intentintent onon beingbeing inin thethe right.right. IfIf thatthat opportunityopportunity isis takentaken youyou areare lessless likelylikely toto commitcommit aa similarsimilar

errorerror inin thethe future.future.

ForFor thethe powerpower ofof apologyapology toto bebe fullyfully unleashedunleashed itit wouldwould bebe idealideal forfor youryour apologyapology toto containcontain fourfour

keykey elements:elements:

1)1) Regret.Regret. TheThe wordswords "I'm"I'm sorry"sorry" fulfillfulfill thisthis requirement,requirement, butbut considerconsider anan eveneven deeperdeeper phrasingphrasing

suchsuch asas "I"I wishwish II hadn't......"hadn't......" TheThe regretregret alsoalso needsneeds toto includeinclude acknowledgmentacknowledgment ofof thethe otherother

person'sperson's pain:pain: "I'd"I'd likelike toto apologizeapologize forfor causingcausing youyou thethe upsetupset thatthat II did."did."

2)2) Responsibility.Responsibility. "I'm"I'm sorrysorry thatthat youyou gotgot upsetupset when...."when...." includesincludes nono responsibility.responsibility. YouYou needneed toto

makemake itit clearclear thatthat youyou understandunderstand thatthat somethingsomething youyou diddid causedcaused (at(at leastleast inin part)part) harm.harm.

3)3) WillingnessWillingness toto makemake amendsamends.. ThisThis elementelement isis whatwhat elevateselevates anan apologyapology fromfrom thethe routineroutine toto

thethe heartfelt:heartfelt: "What"What cancan II dodo toto makemake itit upup toto you?"you?"

4)4) ForgivenessForgiveness.. ApologizingApologizing simplysimply becausebecause youyou feelfeel youyou shouldshould isis lessless thanthan ideal.ideal. SeekSeek toto trulytruly

forgive.forgive.

ForgiveForgive andand youyou shallshall bebe forgiven!forgiven!

** II useuse thethe termterm "misdeed""misdeed" loosely,loosely, asas oftenoften thethe perceivedperceived misdeedmisdeed isis notnot objectivelyobjectively "wrong""wrong" butbut

tracestraces toto somesome previousprevious incident(s),incident(s), oftenoften aa longlong stringstring ofof them:them:

"Why"Why areare youyou alwaysalways late?late? YouYou knowknow thatthat drivesdrives meme crazy."crazy."

"Can't"Can't youyou paypay attentionattention whenwhen I'mI'm tellingtelling youyou aboutabout mymy day?day? YouYou nevernever seemseem toto care."care."