The Art of Ben

“The best thing about this book is that it’s flamable.”- The Daily Male

“I have to say I really liked this book. I have to say that because i’m being paid to.”

- Frank N. Stein

“I read it from cover to cover. I didn’t bother with the inside pages.”

- Tesco Jones (founder of Tesco)

“If this were 20 pages longer it would have 40 pages.”- NAME

“I’ll tell you how good this book is: When I finished it I stood up and clapped. That’s how good it is.”

- NAME

The Imaginary Book

Cut along here to makeyour own bookmark

Pity the Man (poem)

Pity the man who stands at the doorstep,waiting for someone to answer the door that he hasn’t knocked.His hands are cold,his feet are numb.But truth be told,there’s worse to come.

Pity the man that sits in his armchair,not bothering to answer a door that has not been knocked.His fire’s alight,he drinks his wine. He bids goodnight,before his time.

Pity the man who stole the door knocker,and put it on his own door the thieving f*cker.

Baseline

1

2

3

4

1 - Ascender2 - Cross Stroke3 - Stem4 - Finial

Here She Comes (poem)

Here she comes.There she goes.Where is she going.Nobody knows.

Is she going home.To another. A lover.One who will make everything alright.Is she going home to him tonight.

Is she going back,from whence she came.Going back to live her life again.Making new mistakes from which she will learn nothing but gain everything.

Is she going nowhere in particular.Somewhere new and exciting.Being invited by the uninviting.Is her route unplanned and her mind not quite made up.

Will she ever get to where she is going.There is no way of knowing.Unless we ask her.

Oh. Too late.She’s already gone.

THE TALL MAN (short story)

The tall man was, as his name suggests, a very tall man.So tall in fact that nobody had ever seen his face.One pilot swore he saw his face once, but as it turned out he had actually flown into Mt. Rushmore.

Nobody knew the Tall Man’s real name. They never bothered to ask. If somebody was to look up and shout “Would you like a barrel of tea?” then it’s pretty obvious who they are talking to.

He spoke to the people through a long tube that he built out of several slightly shorter tubes. This does cause his voice to become very distorted, so people can never understand if he wants a barrel of tea or a burnt photo of a 1960s deckchair.

He lives in a series of one story skyscrapers, originally built for his father but handed up to him.

He does not wear clothes for two reasons. Firstly nobody has ever seen higher than his legs, and secondly because no tailor has the material to make a sock big enough.

At summer he goes for a lovely vacation in Spain just a few steps from his home in Rhubarb Central.

This is the story of the Tall Man.

The Tall Man

Cheese (short story)

John was a man who liked his cheese.He died of excessive cheese intake.

Poem (short poem)

Everything has worked out fine.You broke my heart so I broke your spine.

Two Little Fish (poem)

There once were two fish, who would sit in a dish, and spend all day swimming in the dish if they wish.Till one started to cry and the other asked why, he said “can’t you see fish, we’re soon going to die.”He started to shout, “we’ve got to get out. Before we find out what those chips are about.“We’ll head for the seas, on a boat made of cheese.Or we’ll soon be served warm with mushy peas.”“Move quickly.” He said. “I don’t want to be dead.” So they jumped out the bowl and ran straight for the bread.As they ran around,They heard a sound,Coming from inside the pot that was round.They said to the stew,“What’s wrong with you?”He said “Help me please, or I’m gonna die too.”Inside the bowl satA little old ratSo they pulled him out and he said “thanks for that.”They ran for the door,Across the big floor,Till one said “stop” and the other said “what for?”“Look out for that cat.”Came a cry from the ratThen the cat ate them all... And that was that.

SIAMESE SUPERHEROES

What happens if only one of them can fly?

Colour me in

Trefer

Notes: