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8/13/2019 THE ARMADILLO 2-5
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November 25th, 2013 Volume 2, Issue 5
Artists are dumb. We do things that you shouldnt do. -Kenneth Goldsmith
Hypnosis Sally Klein
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HAPPENINGSNews, or something like it. Submit to us! thearmadillojournal@gmail.com
I Feel Weird.: Adventures onMDMAnow usually my choice of poison is a delectable bottle of tequila or cheap beer,
ive always consdiered myself a drinker and not a drugee. like brendan behan
once said im a writer with a drinking problem. Now I cant write real well
plastered, so I decided instead to try another way of getting intoxicated. I found
molly was really booming on campus and I managed to get my little claws on
a two capsuls (double of recomended dosage). I thought it would be a lot of
fun because Miley sings about it a whole bunch. It didnt taste very good, i was
licking it in the bathroom of chaus while my friend was taking a piss. I didnt
think anything was happening for a bit, i stood by the bar and pounded down
a couple of old styles. And then, maybe it was the brew, but something started
making feel funny. my body moved like a supermodel across the dance floor.
I wiggled myself into the wave of sweaty dudes and managed to see some
real packages, and then immediatly felt ovrwhelmed by the bodies. I mademy way up to the chaus stage where the squirlly DJ played angry angel music
and looked out over the crowd of limbs, a heavy humidity rising above them
condensating on the cieling and then dripping back down onto the crowd in big
gooey droplets of concerntrated lust-juice. It was utterly disgusting and I never
felt more enthralled. Above the waving arms and stomping feet, sprayed by
the sensual sweat I felt as though I were a god-king standing above a sacrifice,
overlooking hundreds of thousands of his worshipers. the next two days all i
wanted to do was sleep and cry.
Matt Armadillon, Gonzo Correspondent
Te News ickerThe Science Center toilets dont trust me to flush my own poop and they have
a good reason not to.
Theta Pi Gamma depletes entire Franzia supply of the upper mid-west.
Another sweaty-ass playaz ball.
BSC officers now to be conpensated by Flex Dollars.
Winter begins to settle in, the walk to commons becomes that much harder.
I know I shouldnt steal from Bon Appetit, but cmon. Its so easy.
Peet becomes the real art house.
Art house struggles.
Special interest houses accept new members. Maybe your wierd-ass roomate
is one of them.
No sand at Kontiki. What, spent your budget on nail polish for your hand
chair?
Students prepare to go home for another break. Have fun feeling estranged
from all your old friends.
Students receive news about their acceptance to study-abroad programs. You
cant escape forever.
SPOT THE RAT
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WORKSArt? Submit to us! Campus mail box 314
You Leave Burn Marks WithYour Fingers
Maya FurakawaMy lips locked between yours
like a puzzle
fingers interlaced with hair
Set me on fire
You kissed my collarbone
up the crevice in my neck
dipped down to the space
between my breasts
left kiss-shaped marks
like cigarette burns
Your fingers fit perfectly
into the little dimples
of my lower back
pressing down like buttons
heating the space
between
Your hand wrapped around my ribs
clicked into its niche betwixt
my rib bones and breast
It was made just for you
to hold, to heat
to burn
Your knees woven into mine
beneath the quilt
light fingers tracing
electric patterns
Your touch leaves burn marks
where youve sealed me to you.
For All LuminousnessIn the search for human connectivity, I decided to draw lines between the planets.
Were made of star stuff, Carl Sagan said, each life a gravitational conglomerate,
everything corporeal born of the collision of cosmic dust motes,
no Big Bang, but a crashing and clanging just the same,
Of pots and pans and wooden spoons, of scraped knees
and Wellington boots, and satchel bags for picture books.
The two of us were little more, wed come to learn, than filaments
of DNA wound together in inexorable sameness.
We were just these strands and the pencil marks on the doorframe distinguishing
us using disembodied numeralsour height, the date of measurement.
We hovered in that doorway, waiting for a comet to fall and weigh our planet
down. On the moon we would always be weightless: 16.5% of our Earthly mass.
You were taller than me in the sixth grade, and all
of the teachers muddled our names, until you were the statuesque
one, the final distinction, the polarity,
the side of the moon that smiles for all luminousness.
Jen Johnson
This morning my stove
was broken
i chewed coffee beans
theyre still stuck
between my gums
ill have to repeat it all
tomorrow
its been two weeks and
my stove is still
broken i wonder when
anyone will come fix it
BrokeHugo Alvarez
Saturday Rant Amelia arpey
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All Beds But My OwnThis Sunday
I woke up nested
on the cushions
of my friends couch,
a blanket knitted by her grandmother
to cover my cold toes
and my body up
to my collar bone.
The week before
I fell asleep
on Van Gelder velour
of a bus that was nearly empty,
my legs tired from running
around a town I barely knew
and sort of loved.
Before that I slept
in the cupboard
under the stairs
in a Pilsen hostel,
my bed adjacent
to that of a woman
from New York
who sold belts
made from riding bits.
She made me green tea
with milk and sugar,
so we talked about horses
until I left
for another bed
that wasnt my own.
Bethany Clarke
AD
Hi everyone.
I would like to invite you to contribute to my blog. The blog is called The Gift of Dance. Here are theinstructions:
1. Think of someone. This can be a person you like, a person you want to thank, a person you want tocongratulate, etc.
2. With this person in mind, create a 15-90 second dance.
3. Practice it a couple times.
4. Film it.
5. Upload to Youtube with the title, For ______ (and insert the name of the person for whom you arecreating the dance)
6. Go to the Contact page and send the Youtube link to me. I will upload your video in a blog post.
7. Finally, once I have uploaded it to the blog, send a link to the site to your special person.
Anyone can upload a video (not just dancers!). Visit thegiftofdance.wordpress.comto get started!
MotherA heavy fog sunk into her pockets
as she unwound the day into dusk
and the blue in the sky
slipped out for a rest
She drew a blanket over
peeping eyes,
warmed little fingers outstretchedfrom lonely trees
sprinkled like melon seeds.
I watched her breath
whir
in the blades of grass
rippling through papery leaves
the same breath that will
tear down the mountains.
Eyelids grew heavy
and she smiled, reassuredbatting hands,
exhaled in the
tenuous moments of quiet.
She waited,
promised the sun would rise.
The ones that never listen,
their lights keep her awake.
Awake with the noise and the motion of
those who forget her
with every subsequent breath.
Lucille espa
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i like to paint
paint is good
i need more paint
i run out
i make more fun
pls help more
paint
im good man
2 wifes
2 kids2 dogs
strong like bull
Paint ShitAnonymous
I was supposed to hang out with a friend from long ago but he cancelled last
minute. So now Im reading outside drinking gluten-free beer which is better,
anyway, I said.
What could be better, he said.
Someone to share it with, I said, or oppositely, more isolation, no people
for miles.
Both sound equally preferable, he said.
Im not sure, I said. I need to get out of the house and produce something
and live a little more. Ive been deep inside my head all day.
I feel a similar way, he said. I think I havent taken enough vitamin blank
today.
Lets drive to the country and have a midnight picnic and say pretty words
and make friends with a mountain lion, I said.
Im not opposed to that. Could always use more mountain lions on my side,
he said. Im pretty unfamiliar with the country, though, do you know of the
right spots?
Oh yes, Ive lived out there, I said.
Well then I trust you, he said. Do you actually want to go?Well kind of, I said.
Well is that enough to get you out? he said.
Hmm, I said, yes.
Okay, he said. Should I come by around eleven?
Yes plz, I said.
Alright, he said. Pack some picnic supplies.
ext Message Conversation Re-ormatted as Dialogue
ess Childress
The big sexy cowboy who opens the door at Bootz.
You opened the door for me Friday night.
So nice and polite,
sexy smile and beautiful green eyes.
Watching you ride the bull was fantastic,
my friends and I couldnt stop talking about you.
We talked alittle as you opened the door.
I tripped and you caught me in your arms.
I was so embarrassed, cant wait to stop in and see you again.
Maybe next time Ill muster the courage to talk to you more :)
P.S. You have an amazing ass.
I just wanna give it
a squeeze
Sexy Cowboy at Bootz - w4m -24 (Oak Creek)
Mark Conway
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PerspectivesRamblings. Were on Facebook! /thearmadillojournal
My Only Experience withStraight Porn
Erik CarlsonSo Ive realized that I accidently see gay porn all the time, this week it hap-
pened in java joint. However Ive never seen straight porn. I enlisted my local
straight friends to give me a rundown of straight porn. Together we watched
some interesting things and I learned lots about a whole new world of straight
porn.
First I found out that MILF porn is a thing. Who knew? Mothers do
porn too! Its a terrifying thought but hey whatever pays the bills. Ive never
seen DILF porn but that should be a thing too. In my one experience with
straight porn I saw many terrifying things, to me, but I also found something I
would love to try. I saw a wonderful clip of two people of the opposite sex do-
ing the deed with pizza involved. So I might be a tiny girl but I love to eat and I
love to have sex. Thus why not combine the two! Who doesnt want to eat andfuck, especially with pizza! Mac and Cheese could make a good substitute.
What I found most interesting was the Celebrity Porn. After seeing
Teen Mom Farrah doing her thing followed by Kim Kardashian and Ray J, I
think there is a niche market for celebrities to do gay porn. Im not sure who
to recruit to get it done but this needs to happen. I want to watch bad porn of
some queer celebrities touching butts. Queers deserve some bad celebrity gay
porn just as much as straights. Thats really equality people.
To conclude my foray into the world of straight porn was mostly
lack luster and I feel worse for straight people then I ever did before. There
was no bubble butts or cute boys and I almost feel asleep to the bad music and
awful acting. Also boy moans are so much sexier. I learned so much but
lets be real, thank god for the queers.
I have not read Cormac McCarthys novel, so I cannot compare it to the 2009 film,
and nor should I, for faithfulness to its source material is not a prerequisite for a
good movie. I suppose I am only saying this to make it clear that I cannot and will
not be judging this story as McCarthys, but as I have seen it in this movie.
The narrative of The Road is simple enough: a nameless Man (Viggo
Mortenson) and his son (Kodi Smit-McPhee) are traveling through a post-
apocalyptic wasteland. They have a destination though mere survival might be the
real destination, as the coast seems to have no significance other than a place to go.
Translating this from prose to cinema might be difficult considering the scarcityof dialogue, but the film succeeds due to such strong performances and striking
visual realism.
Everything is a brownish-grey in this portrait of America, and it feels
as disgusting as it looks. To fit with this bleak landscape the pacing is deliberately
slow, which causes some drag in the narrative, especially at the beginning. But it
doesnt stay that way too long as the themes of the story soon develop.
The Road is a story of moral relativism. Throughout the story, the boy
continually asks his father if they are the good guys, to which the father always
answers in the affirmative, but calls the audience to question this response.
They live in a world ravaged by some cataclysmic event that is left
unexplained, but has left little life on earth, plant, animal, or otherwise. The rules
have clearly changed, there is no civilization left, and people have to do whatever
they can to survive. The film just continually forces us to ask how far it is okay fo
people to go to protect themselves and their loved ones. As strong a role morality
plays in this, it is important to note that tales such as this must focus on the relation
ship between the characters. This must be the core of the story, the focal point, and
the place where all the raw emotions are held. This is where the movie falls a little
short. I saw the relationship, I understood the relationship, I believed the relation
ship, I just didnt feel it as much as I wanted to. I dont know if there was anyon
to blame for this; the script was appropriately sparse, the actors filled in the space
with a connection that can be seen, when not heard. But in the end it doesnt comeoff as powerfully as it needs to.
3.5/5
Overheard at Beloit
Te Library Review: Te RoadMatt Seibert
Tey like, havent had ranch or two days and Im
about to give up. Female student in Commons
Youre a Sagittarius? Tats ucked up. Female on Art House Porch
I tried adderall once- never again. Male
Shes a KD her name is Brooke or Danielle or some
shit like that. Student in Java Joint
Lets make a list o all the thirsty people at Beloit! Male student to riends
Te purity ring app on my iPhone hasnt been work-ing! Student in commons
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Candy Unboxing and Review: Tootsie Pop Drops Like those youtube videos, but in print!Hey everyone,
Today Ill be unboxing and reviewing Tootsie brand Tootsie Pop Drops: Tootsie
Pops WITHOUT the Stick. I wasnt able to find any regional or obscure candy,
but these seem interesting. Hopefully theyre like Gushers, but with Tootsie Roll
inside instead of goop. Also, Tootsie Roll Industries is based in Chicago, so I still
feel that this is a bit regional. Anyway, here we go:
The packaging is nice. It seems like Tootsie took a page from Reeses
book here, as it is mostly orange and yellow. The Pop Drops pictured on the front
(blue, red, and purple here) look like theyre flying off of the box and right at you.
Along with those three flavors, Ill be trying chocolate and raspberry. The red
(cherry) drop has a section cut away so that you can see its brown center. While
its nice that theyre showing you whats inside, the edges of the broken drop look
jagged and inorganic. This is concerning. It might mean that the exterior will be
hard candy. Well just have to see, though. I just noticed that Tootsie has included
their iconic red and white stripes on the sides of the box. Very cool! Im a bit disap-
pointed by the absence of the cool retro/vintage artwork usually present on Tootsie
Pop wrappers. Lets open this thing up.
Im having a bit of a difficult time getting the box open. The layers ofthe paper flaps keep separating and tearing without really moving in the way I want
them to. Okay, its finally open. I kind of suspected this would be the case, but its
still disappointing to see that the candy itself is inside of a small bag. This sack
is pretty small, silver, and looks like it was meant to hold pop tarts or rat poison
or something like that. Theres no writing on it, which makes it seem like Tootsie
figured most people would have already purchased their product before looking at
this thing. This is a little bit frustrating, and is leading me to question my choice of
candy. If youre not going to make people spend money on your product, at least
include your logo, a riddle, or a joke on the interior packaging. Enough complain-
ing, I want to know that these things taste like.
Wow, these are much different than I thought they would be. Theyr
hard, and definitely not gummies like I had hoped for. Ill try the Blue Raspberry
first. Huh, I dont really know what to say here. It tastes like Blue Raspberry. Im
feeling impatient, so Ill just bite it and see what weve got in the center. Okay. Im
really, really unsatisfied. There isnt much roll in the middle, and its just I don
even know. This Pop Drop thing seems really lacking/now I feel nothing. Lets try
chocolate next.
The chocolate drop is exactly like a classic chocolate Tootsie Pop mi
nus the size and stick. Im honestly at a loss here. I think the only occasions I
ever had Tootsie pops were after getting a haircut, and on Halloween. Ive neve
felt compelled to actually spend my money on them. This chocolate doesnt even
taste like chocolate. The only reason I know this thing is chocolate is because it
brown, and couldnt possibly pass for any sort of fruit even in a world where Blu
Raspberry is a thing.
Im done here. More and more Im beginning to realize that the only
think I really liked about Tootsie pops was the stick. Twirling them in my mouth
and using them to make obnoxious noises was essentially the only reason I liked
them. Those things were fun, but this candy isnt. Maybe Tootsie will read thistake what I have to say into consideration, and create a lollipop without a stick or
hard candy. Oh wait, they already do: Theyre called Tootsie Rolls, and theyre
bottom tier sucky junk.
.5/7 Smiles
Elishua Kurtz
A helpful image, according to this author.
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