S AFE HARBOR MARRIAGES

SAFEHARBORMARRIAGES

WEEK 2 - Safe Harbor

4 Part Series

WEEK 1 - Seaworthy RelationshipsWEEK 2 - Safe HarborWEEK 3 - Harbor AlarmsWEEK 4 - Dockworkers

Session Two: Why the Harbor?

Four Elements of Healthy Relationship

1. Protection (Safe Harbor)2. Predictability (Base)3. Proximity (Closeness & Accessibility)4. Panic Button (Alarm System)

1: Protection (Safe Harbor)

Against• Silting: • Storms:

Threats from WITHINThreats from WITHOUT

1: Protection (Safe Harbor)A. Silting: Threat from within (erosion)

Brisbane Water Channel, Australia

Psalm 139:23-24Search me, O God, and know my heart!

and lead me in the way everlasting!

Try me and know my thoughts!

And see if there be any grievous way in me,

1: Protection (Safe Harbor)B. Storms: Threats from WITHOUT

Hurricane Katrina

Hurricane Katrina

Hurricane Katrina

Tree roots provide an entry point for rising water, as illustrated in this drawing. 

(Illustration by Zina Deretsky/National Science Foundation)

Troughs and Barriers

Levees—CONTROLS that protect the harbor• What gives your life control against floods?

• What preserves the strength of your internal levee?

2. Predictability (Secure Base)

Predictability is like a permanent addressSecurity is a function of consistency

“Trust = Truth over time”ANXIETY harms

1 John 4:18

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

Psalm 23:4

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil,for You are WITH me;Your rod and Your staff,they comfort me.

3. Proximity (Closeness & Accessibility)

Proximity is your DOCKa) Closeness: Tether of touch

hug

“His left hand is under my head,and his right hand embraces me!” Song

2:6

3. Proximity (Closeness & Accessibility)

Proximity is your DOCKa) Closeness: Tether of touchb) Accessibility: Tether of time

Converse

James 1:19-20

Post this at all the intersections, dear friends: Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue, and let anger straggle along in the rear. God’s righteousness doesn’t grow from human anger.

(The Message)

Romans 12:9

“Love without hypocrisy”

4. Panic Button (Alarm System)

4. HEALTHY ALARM System

• Am I SAFE?• Am I HEARD?• Am I UNDERSTOOD?

4. Panic Button (Alarm System)

“Speak the truth in love.” Ephesians 4:15

4. Panic Button (Alarm System)

"If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.”

Matt 18:15

Freight for Your Journey• Protection: How do you get your spouse’s

back?• Predictability: What behaviors consistently

build up your spouse?• Proximity: What steps ensure you are

available & interested?• Panic: How are you sharing your alarms?

Quiz: Has Your Friendship Become an Emotional Affair?*

1. Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went?

2. Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner?

3. Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend?

4. Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?

5. Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings?

6. Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship? 7. Do you and your friend touch differently when you're

alone than in front of others?8. Are you in love with your friend?   

Scoring Key:You get one point each for yes to questions 1, 2, 6,

7, 8, and one point each for no to 3, 4, 5.If you scored near 0, this is just a friendship.

If you scored 3 or more, you may not be "just friends.“

If you scored 7-8, you are definitely involved in an emotional affair.

*This quiz by Shirley P. Glass was first printed in USA Today (June 20, 1988) in an article by Karen Peterson, "When platonic relationships get too close for comfort," p. 6D.