Right Relationships in Congregations

Right Relationships in CongregationsUnitarian Universalist Church of AugustaAugusta, GAMarch 9 and 10, 2012

Agenda

• Unitarian Universalism as a relational faith

• The meaning of covenant and right relationship in a congregation

Friday Evening

Agenda

• Identifying and naming conflict

• Transforming conflict in a congregation

• The role of a right relationship team

Saturday morning

Agenda

• The Right Relationship Team and the Board, COM, and the congregation

• Role plays and case studies

• Going forward in faith

Saturday afternoon

Worship

Chalice Lighting

“Speak the Truth in Love” Covenant for Working

TogetherSpeaking

We will speak for ourselves and not for others

the“Truth” We will speak only of our own experience We will speak as factually as possible

in Love We will speak honestly, with respect, and listen to

understand

What is Right Relationship?

In Relationship

Recall a story when you persuaded others to change their mind about something.

What behaviors from others let you know they were listening?

What created the feeling that you had been heard?

What behaviors did others exhibit that kept them in right relationship with you?

What behaviors did you exhibit that kept you in right relationship with them?

In Relationship

Recall a story when a decision did not go your way, and yet you felt listened to and knew you had been heard.

What behaviors from others let you know they were listening?

What created the feeling that you had been heard?

What behaviors did others exhibit that kept them in right relationship with you?

What behaviors did you exhibit that kept you in right relationship with them?

Out of Relationship

Recall a story when you didn’t feel you listened or were as respeectful as you could have been?

What behaviors did you exhibit let others know you weren’t listening?

What do you wish you would have done differently?

Is there, was there, a way to make amends?

If you tried to make amends, what happened?

Forgiveness

Come, come, whoever you are Wanderer, Worshiper,

Lover of Leaving, Ours is no caravan of despair Come, yet again, Come.

Sufi Poet Mevlana Jelaluddin Rumi (circa 1200 ACE)

Come, Come whoever you are, wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come even if you have broken your vows a thousand times, Come, come yet again.

Conflict

 Conflict is natural; neither positive nor negative, it just is.Conflict is just an interference pattern of energiesNature uses conflict as it’s primary motivator for change, creating beautiful beaches, canyons, mountains and pearlsIt’s not whether you have a conflict in your life, it’s what you do with that conflict that makes a difference.Conflict is not a contestWinning and losing are goals for games, not conflicts.Learning, growing and cooperating are goals for resolving conflicts,Conflict can be seen as a gift of energy, in which neither side loses and a new dance is created.Resolving conflicts is rarely about who’s right.It is about acknowledgement and appreciation of differences.Conflict begins within.As we unhitch the burden of belief systems and heighten our perceptions, we love more freely and fully. Thomas F. Crum, The Magic of Conflict 

THE NATURE OF CONFLICT

Signs of Conflict

Internal divisions

Informal cliques & factions

Increased use of voting to make decisions

Pattern of long, drawn-out, unproductive meetings

Sharp increase in attendance at some meetings

Signs of Conflict

Over-reactive behavior

Significant changes in church income patterns

Evidence of mistrust of leadership (rumors, unofficial meetings, non-attendance)

Decreased attendance over the long run

Sudden changes in relationship patterns

Increased use of hostile language

Signs of Conflict

Difficulty recruiting leadership

Win-lose attitudes in decision making

Rumors & gossip as primary communication

Unofficial meetingsIncreased questioning of goals/breakdown of consensusUnfocused anxiety, anger & fear

The Problem• Emotions are

not involved: we consider the issues rationally. No facilitator is needed.

The Disagreement• We associate

issues with personalities and may stop sharing information. Sometimes, a facilitator can deescalate the conflict by encouraging discussion.

The Contest• Factions form

and mudslinging begins. As factional “groupthink” takes hold, information is distorted, and questioning a faction’s “line” can mean ostracism.

The Crusade• The factions

not only want to win; they want the other side to leave. Each side sees itself as principled and the other as immoral. Congregations may fire ministers, and some members may quit.

The War of the Worlds• Members not

only want the minister fired, they want to make sure he or she never works as a minister again. At this level, congregations split, and not only facilitators, but attorneys, may be needed.

Levels of Conflict

Drama Triangle

Victim

VillainHero

The Joy of Conflict Resolution, Gary Harper

Problem

Maintaining/establishing right

relationsA mission that includes healthy community

Covenants, covenants, covenants

• Safety procedures for working with children & youth• Background checks• Code of ethics• Disruptive persons policy

Safe Congregations Policy

Process for re-establishing right relations

Compassionate communication skills

To (re)establish right relations

Restoring Right Relationship

APOLOGYApology may do more to relieve the burden of the person who caused the injury than it does for the injured party.

FORGIVENESSApology followed by forgiveness can be an act of generosity, but still may not complete the work of establishing a sense of trust.

RECONCILIATIONWhen we engage in reconciliation, we invite change that will transform a relationship. Reconciliation restores friendship or harmony, settles or resolves differences, transforms both parties by bringing them to a new consciousness about the way they see, treat, and represent each other. Reconciliation is a competency that takes work to develop, and it requires commitment.

Assessing a Problem

• Is the individual a source of threat or harm to persons or property?

DANGEROUSNESS

• What is the extent of disruption to church functions?

DISRUPTIVENESS

• How likely is it that existing or prospective church members will be driven away by the alleged behavior?

CONGREGATIONAL INTEGRITY

• How likely is it that the problem behavior will diminish in the future?

PROBABILITY OF CHANGE

• What has been the frequency and the degree of disruption caused by the individual in the past?

HISTORY

Disruptive Persons

Level 1: Dialogue, Assessment, Agreement

Level 2: Written plan with path to forgiveness and reconciliation

Level 3: If refuses, suspension with conditions for return

Level 4: Removal from Membership and steps to enforce

Cautions for RR Team

Avoid triangulation

Do not take on the anxiety

Do not accept anonymous concerns

Expect accountabilityDon’t work harder than the people involved

Relationships

Minister Board

Committee on Ministr

y

Right Relationship Team

Scenario

A member of the congregation lights a candle in the worship service and says that he thinks the board is hiding something because they haven’t informed the congregation about the results of the survey, so he’s starting a recall petition to get rid of them all. Anyone who is interested in joining him can see him after the service.

Small Groups

Did you identify a reporter and a timekeeper?Did your group establish any process before

discussing the scenario?How were the relationships in your group?Did your group assess the situation before

developing solutions?Was each person in the group invited to share

their thoughts?

Summary

Name one thing you learned, one insight you had, one idea you got from the workshop.