Relationship Coaching Bootcamp · Life’s Little Instruction Book. Relationship Coaching for...

Relationship Coaching Boot Camp:

New Hope for Singles and Couples

David Steele MA, LMFT, CLC Founder, Relationship Coaching Institute

It doesn’t matter where you’ve been…

What matters is where you’re going…

And how you will get there.

Program Overview

Part I: About Coaching and Relationship coaching Part II: Relationship Coaching for Singles Part III: Relationship Coaching for Couples Part IV: Therapist as Coach

Part V: Building a Successful Relationship Coaching Practice Part VI: Conclusion/Q&A

From Couples Therapist to Relationship Coach

Comparing Coaching and Therapy

Similarities include:

• An ongoing, confidential, one-to-one, fee-for-service, relationship

• Working with clients who want to change

• Assuming change only occurs over time

• Use of verbal dialogue as the primary service activity

• Regularly scheduled sessions

Comparing Coaching and Therapy

Therapy Coaching

Assumes the client needs healing Assumes the client is whole

Roots in medicine, psychiatry Roots in sports, business, personal

growth venues

Works with people to achieve self-

understanding and emotional healing

Works to move people to a higher level of

functioning

Focuses on feelings and past events Focuses on actions and the future

Explores the root of problems Focuses on solving problems

Works to bring the unconscious into

consciousness Works with the conscious mind

Works for internal resolution of pain and

to let go of old patterns Works for external solutions to overcome

barriers, learn new skills and implement

effective choices

Five Types of Helping Professionals

1. Therapists

2. Counselors

3. Educators

4. Consultants

5. Coaches

The Case for Relationship Coaching

• More singles than ever - 101 million in the U.S., 46% of the adult

population

• More than 90% of all adults marry at least once

• Over 25% of households are single occupant households

• Marriage rate decreasing - at its lowest in 30 years

• Divorce rate has remained stable since 1988 (55%)

• Co-habitation has skyrocketed by 1,200% in the past 30 years:

– 85% fail and increases failure rate of marriage

• Majority of first-born children are now conceived by, or born to,

unmarried parents

• Half of all children will spend time in a single parent family:

– experience higher rates of juvenile delinquency, domestic violence, drug

and alcohol addiction, school dropout, mental and emotional problems,

suicide, unemployment, etc.

Ten Guidelines of Relationship Coaching

1. Relationship Coaching is not consulting or therapy

2. A Relationship Coach helps the client focus on the bigger picture

3. A Relationship Coach shares knowledge, experience, and information without attachment

4. A Relationship Coach assumes a relationship is part of the journey, not the destination

5. A Relationship Coach assumes that the most important relationship is the one you have with yourself

Ten Guidelines of Relationship Coaching

6. A Relationship Coach does not judge a relationship as right or wrong, good or bad

7. A Relationship Coach does not seek to get personal needs met with clients or prospective clients

8. A Relationship Coach addresses their clients’ sabotaging attitudes and choices without making them wrong

9. A Relationship Coach is neutral about the outcome for pre-committed relationships, and an advocate for committed relationships

10. A Relationship Coach “walks the talk” by continually addressing his or her own personal and relationship development, challenges, and goals

14 Compelling Reasons to Use a Relationship Coach

1. You Value Relationships Highly

2. You are Committed to Success

3. You Want Results

4. You are Willing to Learn

5. You are Ready for Action

6. You are Open to Mentoring/Support

7. You Want Fulfillment

14 Compelling Reasons to Use a Relationship Coach

8. You Want to be True to Yourself

9. You Want to be Proactive

10. You Want to Go Beyond Your Limits

11. You Want to Take Responsibility

12. You Want to Live Authentically

13. You Want Balance in Your Life

14. You Want New Possibilities For Your Relationships

The Coaching Triad

Attitude

Choices Skills

The Coaching Triad

1. Attitude

Definition: Beliefs, interpretations, points of view, stories,

positions, etc, that get acted out in our behavior.

Attitude precedes outcome.

Behavior and its consequences will inevitably

follow attitudes.

The Coaching Triad

2. Skills

Definition: Learned habits/patterns of adaptive behavior.

We are not born knowing how to have a successful

relationship.

Skills are learnable and teachable.

Most of what we do in a relationship (or life) is a pattern of learned behavior that we can modify if we choose to.

The Coaching Triad

3. Choices

Definition: Decisions made in the moment that result in an

action.

We are always at choice.

The functional, successful adult takes responsibility and

does not blame others for undesired outcomes.

Five Stages of Relationship Coaching

Stage 1: Readiness Addresses: "Who am I?" "What do I want?" "How do I get what I want?" Coaching activities may include: • Relationship history • Personality assessment (traits, values, preferences, etc) • Identification of goals and needs • Clarify Vision, Requirements, Needs, and Wants • Develop profile of desired Life Partner • Develop "Relationship Plan" to manifest/attract Life Partner

Five Stages of Relationship Coaching

Stage 2: Attraction

Focuses on effective dating attitudes, skills, and choices

Coaching activities may include:

• Where and how to meet potential life partners

• Becoming ready for a committed relationship

• Effectively meeting people, developing networks, sorting

• Staying on track with your Relationship Plan

Five Stages of Relationship Coaching

Stage 3: Pre-Commitment Helping new couples be conscious and objective about the future of

their relationship.

Coaching activities may include:

• Become clear about whether this relationship is right for you

• Getting a reality check, being accountable for what you want

• Developing strategies for testing, decision-making

• Addressing emotional and compatibility issues

Five Stages of Relationship Coaching

Stage 4: Coupling Helping a committed couple to co-create a functional Life Partnership Coaching activities may include: • Getting a committed relationship off to a good start • Effective communication and conflict resolution skills • Discovering and overcoming issues and obstacles around parenting,

domestic responsibilities, finances, etc. • Identifying and negotiating mutual wants, needs, and goals

Five Stages of Relationship Coaching

Stage 5: Bliss Helps a committed couple with a functional relationship deepen their emotional intimacy, trust, love, and connection Coaching activities may include: • Increasing authentic expression of thoughts, feelings, wants, needs • Ownership of emotional reactivity • Increasing mutual support, trust, safety around emotional

vulnerabilities and intimacy • Developing skills, rituals, and practices for deepening emotional,

physical, and spiritual connection and fulfillment

Relationship Coaching for Singles

Key Concepts for Coaching Singles

• Vision

• Purpose

• Relationship Requirements, Needs And Wants

• Readiness

Requirements Coaching Exercise

Step One: Recall your last significant relationship break-up

Step Two: List reasons why relationship didn’t work for you

Step Three: Choose the top “relationship-breaker”

– Write it down as a positive, measurable, behavioral relationship event

Step Four: Apply the ‘first’ requirements test:

– If you met someone, fell in love, and you REALLY wanted relationship to work, but this requirement was missing, would you break it off?

Step Five: Apply the ‘second’ requirements test: – If you answered yes to # 4, attempt to find an exception - imagine a

scenario in which you could live with requirement not being met.

Requirements Coaching Exercise

Conclusion:

1. If you COULD NOT STAY in a relationship without the above, it is most likely a requirement.

2. If it IS POSSIBLE for you to be in a relationship without the above, it is most likely a need.

Ten Principles of Conscious Dating®

1. Know who you are and what you want

2. Learn how to get what you want

3. Be the "Chooser"

4. Balance your heart with your head

5. Be ready and available for commitment

Ten Principles of Conscious Dating®

6. Use the “ Law of Attraction"

7. Gain relationship knowledge and skill

8. Create a support community

9. Practice assertiveness

10. Be a "Successful Single"

Relationship Readiness

If you were to meet your soul mate today,

would you be ready and available

to enter into a relationship with him/her?

Relationship Readiness Quiz

Relationship Readiness Coaching Exercise

1. Client chooses one of the ten items on the quiz for coaching

2. Coach asks questions about item for 5 minutes (Coach is transparent- NO statements, advice, feedback,

mirroring, suggestions, opinions, etc)

• Coaching Questions might include: – What do you want your life to be like in this area? – What would that look like for you? – What does _____ mean to you? – What needs to happen for this area to be a “ten” for you? – What do you know you need to do about this area? – What steps are you willing to take in this area in the next

week, month, year? – What likely obstacles can you think of? – What support do you need to do this?

3. Choose another item on quiz and repeat process

Dating Traps in the Comics

Three Types of Dating Relationships

1. Recreational Dating

– Readiness status: Not ready for a committed relationship

– Purpose: To have fun and satisfy social needs

– Goal: To meet short-term needs while working towards long-term goals beyond the relationship

Recreational Dating in the Comics

Three Types of Dating Relationships

2. Committed Dating – Readiness status: Ready for a life-long committed relationship

– Purpose: To find your life partner

– Goal: To have a long-term, desired future by finding a partner

who meets all of your requirements

Three Types of Dating Relationships

3. Mini-Marriage

– Readiness status: Unclear

– Purpose: To meet physical, social emotional needs prior to a committed relationship, or when commitment is not desired

– Goal: To meet short-term needs when you're unclear about the future of the relationship

Be “The Chooser”

“Choose your life’s mate carefully,

from this one decision will come

90% of your happiness or misery”

-- H. Jackson Brown Jr.

Life’s Little Instruction Book

Relationship Coaching for Couples

Couples in the Comics

YOU ARE NOT IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP IF:

• Your partner is not aware your relationship is committed

• You are wondering if this relationship is committed

• You and your partner have differences of opinion about the status of your relationship

• Your family and friends have different perceptions about the status of your relationship

• You and your partner have not acted to explicitly formalize your commitment in some way

• You are relying on verbal promises without a significant track record of them being kept

Pre-Commitment vs. Commitment

• A commitment is explicit and unambiguous. A commitment is a

formal event of some kind between two people. A commitment is something you DO over time. A real commitment is usually legally enforceable and there are consequences for breaking it.

• For a relationship to be truly committed, there are no exits- mentally, emotionally, or physically. When the going gets rough, you make it work.

Pre-Commitment vs. Commitment

What is Commitment?

CRITERIA #1:

Promises made to each other about the permanent nature

of the relationship that are kept

CRITERIA #2:

Explicit, formal, public declaration

CRITERIA #3:

Unambiguous to partners and others

• Regular, Safe, Good Sex

• Companionship

• Intimacy

• Family

• Economics

• Community

• Mental/Emotional/Physical Health

Benefits of Committed Relationships

Fact vs. Attitude

• What is a “Fact?”

• What is “Attitude?”

• The Power of Attitude

The “Marital Endurance Ethic”

Linda Waite (The Case for Marriage) found that 2/3 of unhappily

married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages were happy five years later. She coined the term "Marital Endurance Ethic;" stating that "marriages got happier not because partners resolved problems, but because they stubbornly outlasted them."

Types of Couples

Type 1: Both are pre-committed in fact and attitude (“Is this ‘The One?” “Should I should make a commitment to this relationship?”)

Type 2: Pre-committed in fact with a committed attitude (“We’ve been dating for 3 months, and we’re real committed!”)

Type 3: One or both have a prematurely committed attitude (“We are committed to each other and will be married as soon as s/he gets a divorce.”

Type 4: Both are committed in fact and attitude (no exits)

Type 5: Committed in fact, one or both have a pre-committed attitude (“We’ve been married for 10 years and have two kids, yet I’m not sure this is the right relationship for me.”)

The “Coachable” Couple

Each partner:

• Has a committed attitude

• Takes responsibility for choices/outcomes

• Self-regulates emotional reactivity (accepts 90/10 principle)

• Supportable to coach

• Responsive to partner

• Absence of “Four Horsemen” (Gottman) – Criticism (negativity about partner) – Contempt/Belligerence (sarcasm, mocking, sneering, hostile

humor, provoking, demeaning, threatening) – Defensiveness (a way of blaming partner) – Stonewalling (Avoidance, tuning out, ignoring)

Pre-Commitment Coaching

• Pre-Commitment Mindset

• Role of Coach: Neutral about outcome of relationship

• Developing contract/Designing coaching partnership

• Attachment vs. Detachment

• Assessing and addressing unsolvable problems

• Vignette: “He likes beer”

Coaching Committed Couples

• Commitment Mindset

• Role of Coach: Advocate for relationship

• Developing contract/Designing coaching partnership – Stage 4: Coaching for functionality – Stage 5: Bliss Coaching

• Assessing for unsolvable problems – Four alternatives for solving an unsolvable problem:

o Stay and be unhappy o Leave o Let go of problem o Compromise

• Developing individual and shared Vision

• Developing coaching agenda (Wheel of Relationship Life)

• Addressing relationship skills (Communication map)

Wheel of Relationship Life

Committed Couples in the Comics

Committed Couples in the Comics

Therapist as Coach

• Fees

• Insurance billing

• Liability

• Service Delivery

• Combine coaching with therapy?

Building a Successful Relationship Coaching Practice

Step 1: Get relationship Coach Training

• Be careful of your filters

• Coaching is a specific methodology

• Credibility comes from qualifications

• Set yourself up for success by doing it “right”

Building a Successful Relationship Coaching Practice

Step 2: Choose a Specialty and Niche

• Profession vs. Specialty vs. Niche

• Inch wide, mile deep = “Own” your niche

• Be unique, follow passion, be an expert

• More effective for attracting prospects and convincing them to hire

you

• More fun, unleash creativity, create legacy

Building a Successful Relationship Coaching Practice

Step 3: Design Service Delivery System for Niche

• Secret to guaranteed success- Market Research

• Sell packages and programs, not sessions!

• Provide choices and group services

• Passive revenue, multiple revenue streams

Building a Successful Relationship Coaching Practice

Step 4: Apply Marketing Strategies to Develop Prospects

• Marketing is communicating what you do

• You can market til the cows come home and not get any clients! Primary outcome of marketing is to develop prospects

• 3 Primary forms of marketing

– Speaking

– Writing

– Networking

Building a Successful Relationship Coaching Practice

Step 5: Apply Enrollment Strategies to Convert Prospects to Clients

• Focus on benefits and results

• Build relationship, provide and prove value

• Offer a (biggest goal or problem) coaching session

• Apply strategies for closing, overcoming objections, addressing common questions (see www.BYIPTIPS.com)

• Follow up, Follow up, Follow up

10 Benefits of Being a Relationship Coach

1. You make a tremendous difference in the lives of your clients,

everyone they know, and the world.

2. You make a living doing what you love

3. Your services will always be needed and valued

4. Easiest coaching niche to market

5. More potential clients than you'll ever reach

10 Benefits of Being a Relationship Coach

6. Enhances your own life and relationships

7. Endless possibilities for specialization and niches

8. Who you are, your background and experiences are essential to your work

9. There's always more to learn and new possibilities for relationships

10. You can get training and support from Relationship Coaching Institute unparalleled in any coaching niche or helping profession

Thank you for joining us!

For more information-

Visit www.RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com

or call- 888-268-4074

contact@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com

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