Parent Communication: Working with Difficult People

Parent Communicat

ion:Working

withDifficult People

Erica M. Duckworth, M.Ed.BIG THICKET COOPERATIVE

Words to Live By

“I want to be a part of the solution and not the problem.” ~ Mrs. Barbara Greer

Parents/Guardians

ARE NOT A ONE SIZE FITS ALL GROUP

Getting to Know You• Why assess the student’s household?

• Primary source of motivation for the student• Students spend 70% of waking hours outside of the

school• Some parents/guardians do not have the resources

to provide the supports our students’ needs• The most consistent predictor of children’s

academic achievement is the parent’s expectations of the child’s academic performance and satisfaction with educational environment

www.michigan.gov/documetns/Final_Parent_Involvement_Fact _Sheet?14732_7.pdf,2004

Parent Sub-groupsAs Identified by Ruby K. Payne, Ph.D.

Career-Oriented

Involved

Single Parents

Immigrant Parents

Parents with Personal Issues

Surrogate Parents

Children Acting as Parents

Tips for Communication

•Information in print•Webpages, email, notes, etc.

Career Oriented

•Often stay informed•Revisit boundaries if neededInvolved

•Consider a color coding system•White = nice to know; yellow = concern; red = immediate attention

Single Parents

Continued

•Provide concise info•Videos have proven successful

Immigrant/ESL

•Phone systems•Links to resources•Group counseling

Parents with Personal

Issues/Children Acting as Parents

•Often needs supports•Mentor

Surrogate

Look Familiar?

Difficult

Lack of Trust Unclear

Roles

Poor Leadership

Unresolved Issues

Confusion

Vague Goals

Personality Conflict

Environment

Lack of Resources

The Big 3Highly

Educated / Affluent

Defensive / Overprotecti

ve

Under-resourced

/Undereducated

Which one is this?Bubba's Parent Teacher Conference part 1

0:00 – 3:45

Overprotective Parent Prospective

• Ownership of child; seen as a possession• Success is proof of good parenting• Fear of loss: death, affection, loyalty• The child cannot function without them• Emotional need of parent: loneliness, co-

dependence, addiction

Payne, R. Under-resourced learners: 8 strategies to boost student achievement.

Conference Strategies

• Listen for clarity• Acknowledge care/concern• Summarize and/or paraphrase• Ask questions for clarity• Plan of action if necessary• Discuss roles & boundaries• Follow up

Let’ Practice • With a partner summarize/paraphrase

1 of the following:• Your summer vacation• Your most embarrassing moment• The best/worst present you have

received

• Now switch

Roles/Boundaries• Correct inappropriate behavior

• “Anticipate a problem” ~ Mr. Bean

• Describe students behavior at school• If child is well adjusted socially, emotionally, academically

assure them of this fact

• Establish communication system if necessary• Fade communication system to that of typical student

• What are your boundaries?• Prepared statements:

• “I need time to think about this and get back with you.”• “I understand that you are concerned about ____, right now

let’s focus on ____”• “Let me check with my administrator and get back with you”

Clarity Questions• The Miracle Question

• “If you were to wake up tomorrow and everything was better, how would ’s school day look?”

• What is the best/worst thing that could happen if…• I’m wondering, what will happen if this issue isn’t

resolved…• Evidence indicating concern• I’m wondering if there is a time when you think s/he will

be able to…• Will this request help ____ be more successful at school?

Conference Clip3rdRock

Highly Resourced/Educated Parent Perspective

• It’s NOT okay to be NOT be okay (or better)• Respect comes with experience and expertise• Time is money• Most concerns/rules can be negotiated• Social, academic and eventual financial

success of their child is important – how is the school going to help the child achieve success?

Conference Strategies

• Do not discuss what you DO NOT know• Do not use sarcasm• Review current literature on topics to be

discussed• Ask questions for clarity• Be direct and concise• Establish boundaries• Establish support if needed

The Art of Clarity• Non-defensive approach to asking questions

• Dissolving assumptions – ask about pieces of assumptions

• Contradictions in what is said and done• Value, emotion, reasoning behavior• Determining content versus process:

• Who, what, when, where, WHY• How NOT to ask why – Why didn’t you do

that?, Why do you always? Why did you…?• How to ask why – I’m wondering why do you

think you chose to?, I’m curious as to what made you angry?, I was just asking myself why you would want her moved to another class?

Let’s practice• With your partner turn the following ?s

into Y ?• 1

• Why did you not call me to discuss ___’s behavior?• Why did you go to the superintendent without

trying to work this out with me first?• Why did are you looking in my classroom windows

during the day?

• 2• Why did you walk down to my classroom without

checking with the office?• Why are you yelling at me?• Why are you so worried about him/her during the

day?

Conference Clip• darlene&behavior

0:00-2:30

Under-resourcedParent Perspective

• Often personal academic experience was negative.

• Generational opinion on education and educators

• Anger can be demonstrated through power

• Usually has a circular pattern of discourse

Glass ½ Full

Winning Ownership ofEducation

Not get cheated $$$

Safety Love

Conference Strategies

• Reframe the school environment• Offer respect – eye contact, smile, handshake,

address them with Mr. or Mrs., offer coffee• Tell a story to make you more approachable, use

humor• Deliver bad news in the form of a story• Don’t be afraid to say “I don’t know”• Pick your battles• Consider resources when planning• Do not allow inappropriate behavior

Reframing

Medline Plus defines Cognitive Reframing as follows:changing the conceptual and/or emotional viewpoint in relation to which a situation is experienced andplacing it in a different frame that fits the "facts" ofa concrete situation equally well, thereby changingits entire meaning.

Types of Reframing• Content reframing involves taking the exact same

situations and changing what it means. • You might say a student never stops talking. He never shuts

up! After content reframe, you might say that he certainly must be a very intelligent young man to have so much to say.

• Context reframing involves taking an experience that seems to be bad, upsetting, or undesirable and showing how the same behavior or experience is actually a great advantage in another context.• Oil was once considered something that destroyed the value

of land for crop; quite a contrast from the nickname black gold.

LET’SPRACTIC

E

Turning Lemons Into Lemonade

• With your partner reframe the following:• Content: Take a “high needs” student

that you have had in the past and make a GENUINE reframing statement about his character

• Context: tell about you’re a bad experience that turned out to be beneficial

Emotional/Angry Parents

• Bubba_Part2

2:00-3:25

Defining theProblem/Interest

• What is the need? (not solution)• Turn complaints into goals.• State the problem as a question – this

invites parents to become part of the solution• “How do we ____ while at the same

time….”• “Let’s think, how can we___AND___...”

Questioning TipsAVOID

•YES/NO•Confirmation

•Condescending•Offensive

•Implies answer•assumptive

UTILIZEOpenEnded

•Explorative•Involvement

•Likert Scale•Measurable

NeutralLanguage

•Nonjudgemental•Removes emotion

ConsensusIS

• Inclusive

• Shared control

• Flexible

• Commitment

• Accountable

AIN’T IS NOT• Unanimous

• Abandonment

• Majority

• Forceful

Reaching a Consensus

Parties reach an

agreement and plan to be carried

out

Each person involved

agrees not to hinder

plan

Each supportive

role is identified

Decision represents

diverse values and

interest

Guideline for Discussion

Speak 1 at a time;

speak up

Treat each person

professionally

Listen to all opinions

Ask questions for clarity

Steps 1-3: Consensus

Steps 4-6: Consensus

Gradients of Agreement

1•Disagree•Veto•Completely opposed

2•Great concerns•Uncomfortable with decision

3•Okay•Some concerns but still agree

4•Supportive•Likes agreement

5•All In!•Great idea

ImpasseReasons

• Trying to “save face”

• No buy-in

• Emotional – throwing in the towel

• Mistrust

• Fears

• Misunderstanding

• Lack of information

• Holding out for better

Strategies• Additional information/resources

• Ask questions

• Solicit everyone’s ideas/opinions

• Acknowledge emotions

• Apologize if necessary

• Break the issue into smaller issues

• Acknowledge progress of group thus far

• Reflect

• Recommend trial period

• Ask reality questions

• Take a break; set later date

Summary of ToolsClarify

Generalizations

Summarize

Neutral Language

Reflection

Understanding Problem/Intere

stReframe

complaint

Apologize if needed

Invite discussion

Identify boundaries

Make yourself approachable

Reflection• Did the parent leave

feeling…• They were treated

with respect?• Their interests were

acknowledged?• Their perspectives

were considered?• They contributed to

their child’s education?

Lowry & Meyers, Conflict Management and Counseling

Resources• Christopher, C. (1996). Building parent teacher communication: An

educator’s guide. Lancaster, PA: Technomic Publishing Company, Inc.

• McCarney, S. B. & Wunderlich, K.C. (2006). Pre-referral intervention manual (3rd ed.). S.N. House (Ed.) Columbia, MO: Hawthorne.

• Otey, L. & McDaniel, L. (2008). Facilitating IEPs: Leader’s Guide. [Handout]. Austin, TX: Region 8 Service Center.

• Payne, R.K. (2008). Under-resourced learners: 8 strategies to boost student achievement. Highlands, TX: Aha! Process Inc.

• Payne, R.K. (2006). Working with parents: Building relationships for student success. Highlands, TX: Aha! Process Inc.

• Sprick, R., & Garrison, M. (2008). Interventions: Evidence-based behavioral strategies for individual students (2nd ed). Eugene, OR: Pacific Northwest Publishing.