Not French Cooking

SH2010

This project is dedicated to my stomach.

I love you.

And I am sorry for hurting you.

TO

La Belle America

WHOSE UPPER-MIDDLE CLASS,

CELEBRITIES, HYPOCHONDRIACS, AND

PETA-OBSESSIVES — NOT TO MENTION

HER IN-HOUSE CHEFS — THROUGH

RECENT DECADES OF CODDLING AND

ANTI-DEPRESSANT CONSUMPTION HAVE

CREATED SOME OF THE WORLD’S MOST

HIGH-MAINTENANCE EATERS.

deli-

cious!

Figure 1

No!

deli-

cious!

Recipe:

Raisin Salad

No!Serves Four

1 Cup of Raisins

Directions:

Dump Raisins into bowl, and serve.

Figure 2 i try not to

i try not to

think about it.

No!No!Serves Four

A shitload of carrots

Directions:

Dump carrots into bowl. Heat them up. Smoosh them. Serve.

Recipe:

Soup

SUCH COMPLEX FLAVORS!

Best accompanied by a full-bodied glass of mineral water. Add lemon to aid in digestion and excitement!

No!No!

SUCH COMPLEX FLAVORS!

Figure 3

still hungry?

Some Brown

Rice will fill you up!

le canard

le poulet

la vache

le poisson

X

X

X

X

Well it all depends on the value of your convictions; if you eat it, will you be able to face yourself tomorrow without regrets?

We cannot help you with your ethical issues. If the decision is to have any rectitude it must come from you alone.

Pressing non-questions, and solicited, non-professional opinions

Answer 1

Answer 2

Answer 3

Look at pictures of pigs. Do you really want to eat them?

There is bacon and i want some?

there is some bacon in the

kitchen.

R

E-G

RETS

R

E-G

RETS

Figure 4

Adhering to the O,DSGN-Free,V-Friendly diet is a totally rewarding lifestyle. Besides never having any energy, no one will meet you for lunch, invite you over for dinner parties or share a tub of unbuttered popcorn with you at the movie theater. Instead, you can devote yourself to chewing celery, making sunflower seed burg-ers and having excessive diarrhea. Live it up— alone — because no one will stop by to dig through your pantry. If you find that you’ve been abandoned by all friends (who blame it on your “unnecessarily dangerous health obsessions”), just move to L.A. and look for anemic-looking celebrity types. They’ll love you for who you are. Whoever needed bacon anyway?

A note for you, Dear Reader:

Why don’t you come over here. I’ll make

raisin salad!

I’m detoxing.

Drinks at 9? That’s right in the middle of

my three-hour toilet date.

I can’t make it. You only have tap water,

and you know how I feel about that.

I’m sorry, I’ve burned through all of my

calories for the day.

I have to wash my hair.

How to refuse invitations, alienate yourself and

lose all of your friends:

Recipe:

Excuses

Figure 5

EVERYTHING AND NOTHING MAKES ME HURT

EVERYTHING AND NOTHING MAKES ME HURT