Maintaining firm boundaries in a fickle world. Friendspeers crossing boundaries Facebookand other...

FRIENDS, FACEBOOK & FIDELITY

Maintaining firm boundaries in a fickle world

Subtle threats to marital fidelity Friends—peers crossing boundaries Facebook—and other “social networking

tools” Family –why they’re called in-laws and

out-laws Fighting—creating an opening from the

inside

The Friends phenomenon

The Friends relationship model Cross-gender buddies without

consequences Flexible boundaries Endless fun; few responsibilities Perpetual hangout session Not expected to come to an end with

marriage.

The Eternal Companion model Total allegiance to spouse, or there will

be consequences Firm, clear boundaries Limits to fun; seemingly endless

responsibilities Perpetual growth opportunities

Which would you choose?Friends model

Eternal Companion model

Cross-gender buddies without consequences

Flexible boundaries Endless fun; few

responsibilities Perpetual hangout

session

Total allegiance to spouse or there will be consequences

Firm, clear boundaries Limits to fun; seemingly

endless responsibilities Perpetual growth

opportunities

The problem with Friends Many young adults are challenged by

the notion that one’s friends should be distanced in marriage.

Opposite-sex friends are retained, often at the expense of the marriage relationship.

So…what’s the big deal?

The problem with Friends Opposite-sex buddies become sources

of contention …and comparison.

You never had to deal with your buddy with morning breath while stressing about an important exam while they had the flu.

The problem with Friends They may invade even without

intending to. Emotional infidelity is damaging, and

often leads to other forms of betrayal. Sharing ones tender feelings, confidences

and aspirations creates bonds. These should be reserved for your spouse.

The solution to Friends Carefully discuss your new boundaries

with regards all buddies of both genders. Do not seek them out for conversation, etc. Don’t spend time with them alone…ever!

This boundary setting should be done before marriage, but can also happen now.

Don’t apologize for wanting to be his/her one and only.

The solution to Friends Clearly announce your marriage and

your new boundaries to all buddies of both genders. Then keep them.

Exercise great caution with same-gender friends. Don’t assume nothing can ever happen. It does every day.

The solution to Friends Avoid emotional infidelity by asking these

questions: Are am I turning to my friend for comfort rather

than turning to my spouse? Do you seek opportunities to be with your

friend even when work/school don’t require it? Do you email or text your friend when not

together? Do you compare your spouse to your friend?

(Kenneth W. Matheson, Ensign, Sept. 2009, pp. 13-16)

The Facebook fallacy Digital social networking tools and other

digital distractions may seem harmless, but have become common tools in prying couples (of any age) apart.

The Facebook fallacy Social networking sites have become

common means of connecting with “lost loves”—both intentionally and accidentally……with the same predictable results.

The Facebook fallacy Because they seem harmless, people

often disregard the fact that they may relating to others in ways they would never consider doing by more conventional (less convenient) means. Time Interest Intimacies

The Facebook fallacy Is Facebook my friend? Salesman in Phoenix airport: We work

hard to keep you on those pages as long as possible, and as often as possible. Some of those ads make over a million dollars a day, and we’ll do anything to keep you there as often and as long as possible.

The Facebook fix Carefully monitor the amount of time

and the degree to which you keep in contact with others electronically. Social networking sites Email Texting Even gaming sites, etc.

The Facebook fix Ask yourself Would I be discussing these topics, or with

this frequency, with this person if it were not so convenient?

Why, or why not? Am I tempted to hide any of these

conversations? How would I feel about my spouse doing

the same?

“There are those married people who permit their eyes to wander and their hearts to become vagrant, who think it is not improper to flirt a little, to share their hearts and have desire for someone other than the wife or the husband. The Lord says in no uncertain terms: “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else” (D&C 42:22).

“And, when the Lord says all thy heart, it allows for no sharing nor dividing nor depriving. And, to the woman it is paraphrased: “Thou shalt love thy husband with all thy heart and shalt cleave unto him and none else.

“The words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse.”

Spencer W. Kimball Faith Precedes the Miracle (1972), 142–43.

Focus on the Family One of the most dangerous, because it

is the only one that appears righteous—or at least justifiable. They’re still my parents and they

understand me. I just feel so lonely since we got married;

I’m used to talking with them every day. I have to turn to somebody impartial, so

they can help me understand how to deal with you being such a jerk.

Focus on the Family How can that be so bad? It especially interferes with young

couples relying upon one another, the formation of a true eternal companionship. Time, energy, and emotional support are

diverted. Jealousies and insecurities are formed,

perpetuated. They suggest that you are your parents’

child, not an adult fully committed and connected to your partner.

Focus on the Family How can that be so bad? When family members hear of the

marital conflict or difficulties—which will certainly occur—they will hold the grudge long after you’ve resolved it with your spouse. You won’t be so passionate in describing

how they two of you resolved your problems and have made up.

They care how cute or how well he/she kisses.

Take the focus off the family You have a new family and partner. Adam’s first recorded revelation:“Therefore shall a man leave his

father and mother and cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh.”

Note: Adam and Eve did not have “dysfunctional” parents.

Lessons from Babylon

Lessons from Babylon

Lessons from Babylon

Lessons from Babylon Guarded by four enormous walls

335 feet tall, 85 feet thick 56 miles in circumference (app. 14 miles on

each side) Walls were absolutely impossible to break!

The Euphrates river ran through it Source of water and waste management Underwater grates stopped underwater

invasions The city could not be conquered through

siege.

Lessons from Babylon But the city was brought down in one

day to Cyrus, king of Persia The Euphrates was diverted several miles

upstream. Once the water was only shin deep, the

grates were easily removed and an entrance created.

Because the king of Assyrian was so unkind to his subjects , the discontented inhabitants of the city welcomed the invading forces.

Lessons from Babylon

The site of the ancient city of Babylon, as it looks today.

Lessons from our First Parents Adam and Eve were created for—and

dedicated to—one another. (Moses 3)

They labored together in a challenging world, knowing that this would be for their benefit. (Moses 5:1)

Lessons from our First Parents They sacrificed willingly, knowing that

this would bring them closer to God. (Moses 5:5-8)

They had joy, even in their challenges, as they worked together to return to their Father in Heaven. (Moses 5:9-12)

They consecrated their lives to following the Lord as a couple, and fulfilled the very purposes for which they, and this world were created.

Marriages are under attack Even very good people fall prey to the

well-practiced tactics of the adversary. Friends can cross over lines of propriety. Digital distractions and deceptions facilitate

boundary violations. Family members can be allowed to interfere

with spouses growing to rely fully upon one another.

Conflict and unkindness within the marriage make us particularly vulnerable.

Marriages can be protected Clear, firm boundaries around a marriage—

set from the very beginning—protect and preserve

Friendships change and fade into the background. Digital distractions are carefully regulated, both in

time and in content. Family members are invited to step back, and play a

support role to the couple. You’re not children anymore.

Love and kindness prevail in such a way that no one can doubt your total devotion to one another.