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Claremont-Upland Voice

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consciouseffort tomaintaintheirrelationshipindependentof theirchildren,Steve said.Steve

reconunendsall couplesplan a weeklydate night to

spur conversation in an intimatesetting without interruption. Healso suggests that couples planweekly recreational activities, ifpossible."We make it our commitment

to go out to a nice dinner onFriday night, our date night, anda dinner after church on Sundayafternoon," he said. 'The couple also .enjoys weekly

hikes, eating outwithothercouples and visiting friends.They take five or six weekendtrips together per year, eachlasting about four days. They liketo visit the high desert and enjoyboat rides down the ColoradoRiver.Parents can enjoy similar

activities if they set aside time to'be together.Steve and Amy also said

humor helps maintain a healthylong-term relationship. ."I feel like Steve and I both

have a good sense of humor andthat's a major part of who we aretogether," Amy said. "He canreally make me laugh hard.HUmor is a very important partof our lives. I don't think a daygoes by where we don't enjoylaughing together."As I talked with the couple, I

began to wonder if childrenplayed a part in maritalsatisfaction and longevity. Thereare relationship advantages tobeing childless, Steve said, butstatistics show that havingchildren tends to give a couplestability."The least stable relationship

is one between just two people,"he said. "It's good in that itforces two people to get to knowone another at a deeper level.But it can produce instability inthat a huge amount of

VERONICAJAMES

Childless couplesface challenges.emotional energy is focusedon just one person rather than Ispread out on a number of Ipeople as ina larger family. I"A quality relationship with I

another adult person can be a \very joyful thing, but it canalso be a difficult thing I

because the deeper you get toknow somebody the moreaware you become of theirissues and the more awarethey become of your issues,"Steve said, "So, there's anintensity in that type ofrelationship. With kids, someof the intensity is diffused inother directions, which can begood and bad:"Steve and Amy said they

sometimes become overlyserious or self-analytical as aresult of their interaction."Because I don't have kids,

interactions with Steve can bemore intense and I tend tothink more about areas ofweakness I have that I need tobe working on," Amy said. "Ifwe had kids it would be lessserious. There would be morelighthearted play and laughingand singing and watchingcartoons on TV;and I wouldn'tbe thinking on such heavymatters as frequently as I do."Steve and Amy want to

encourage couples to make thebest of their strong points andto work on their areas ofweakness. Steve said thatchildless couples can have adeeper level of uninterruptedconununication and can spendmore quality time together inmany cases. They also tend tohave fewer time constraints.Through their work and

relationships with families,Steve and Amy share a respectand love of families withchildren."I want couples with kids to

be affirmed and empowered,"Steve said. "We have greatrespect for families and thereare a lot of advantages tohaving kids." '

• VERONICA JAMES writesabout family issues for theClaremont-Upland Voice. Reachher at veronicajames@mindspring.com.

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"y" ou.and Tim must havethese great intellectualconversations," a

family friend said. "I'll bet thetwo' of you discuss fascinatingtopics."I laughed and said, "Sorry to

disappoint you, but it's morelike/Can you pick Sara up fromsoccer today?' 'John needs abath.' 'Will you help me bring inthe groceries?' "I told him that my husband

and I are so caught up in, day-to-day life with fourchildren that we rarely have timefor mind-expanding discussions."You guys sound just like U$,"

my friend said in surprise. "Weget so busy with the kids and'everyday stuff that we don't havea lot of time to really talk."Our friends Steve and Amy

Lambert of Upland told meabout their frequent, expansivetalks about a variety of topics.Like Tim and Lthe couple hasbeen married for 2Qyears."That sounds idyllic," I told

Amy "I would love to have time. for those kinds of leisurelyconversations With Tim withoutsome kind of interruption fromthe kids."Because Steve, a clinical

family therapist and professor,and Amy; a social worker, haveno children together, they havethe uninterrupted time for

- - spontaneous and prolongeddiscourse: It's an.art that manyparents have lost and need to .rediscover, Steve said. He said

, that it's easy for parents to get socaught up in the lives of theirchildren they have nothing elseto talk about.A man and woman can stay

;... married for several years andrarely talk because they areliving their lives vicariouslythrough their children, Stevesaid. Each parent may know thechildren well, but not his or herpartner. When the last childleaves home, often couples findthey have nothing in conunon

v • and little to talk about,The empty nest syndrome can

lead to divorce, lacklusterco-existence, or a revitalizedmarriage. Communicationproblems at this time of life can 'be avoided if couples make a