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Sitcom pilot
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GAVIN
"Pilot" / "Steve, Steve, and Steve"
Written by Rodney Ohebsion
Copyright 2014
INT. BAR - DAY
BRANDON (30) is bartending, and there are no customers
present. GAVIN (60, Jewish) walks in and sits at the
counter.
BRANDON
Hey. What can I get you?
GAVIN
The best whiskey you have.
BRANDON
The best whiskey I have is the best
whiskey there is. Highland Park 30.
GAVIN
Highland Park? Isn’t that the place
with all those swap meets where
they sell two pairs of socks for
one dollar?
BRANDON
Well. There are two Highland Parks.
One is 20 miles from here.
GAVIN
And where’s the other one?
BRANDON
Scotland. As in, Scotch whiskey.
GAVIN
Right. I should’ve known. The
Scots. Scotch whiskey. Whiskey.
That’s a funny word. Whiskey.
Whiskey. Say it.
BRANDON
Whiskey.
GAVIN
Whiskey. Even "whisk" itself is a
funny word, without the -ey. What
does it mean? I know you can whisk
a woman away to someplace. Like to
McDonald’s, or Scotland.
BRANDON
I suppose you can.
2.
GAVIN
People don’t do enough whisking
these days. I mean, have you done
any whisking lately?
BRANDON
Not that I’m aware of.
GAVIN
Well. I can’t really imagine anyone
whisking without being aware of
it. When you whisk, you know you’re
whisking.
BRANDON
So do you want a shot of Highland
Park 30, or am I gonna have to
whisk you away from this bar?
GAVIN
I’ll have a shot. By the
way--what’s the going rate on that
whiskey?
BRANDON
It’s $50 a shot.
GAVIN
Is it gonna whisk me off of my
feet?
BRANDON
It’s gonna make you drunk.
GAVIN
Great. Pour me $50 worth.
Brandon gets the bottle and pours a shot. Gavin drinks some.
GAVIN
Mm. Worth every penny. You
know, this is my retirement party.
Party. Party. That’s a funny word,
too. But retirement isn’t a funny
word. Retirement. It sounds legal,
official. Retirement, party.
Retirement, party. Those two words
don’t go well together.
He drinks some more of his shot.
3.
GAVIN
I’m not so sure I’m even
retiring. My business partner
wanted to sell our business. So we
sold it. Does that mean I have to
retire? Am I tired? No. I’ve got
energy. I popped out of bed this
morning. Well, maybe not popped.
Popped. That’s a funny word, too.
Popped. Popped. Maybe that’s why
Pop Tarts are so popular. People
like the word pop. Also, they like
eating pastries for breakfast. Not
me, though. After I pop out of bed,
I eat cereal. Cereal’s a funny
word, too. But not as funny as pop.
BRANDON
I’m not so sure any of those words
are funny.
GAVIN
Well. Whiskey’s definitely a funny
word.
He drinks some more of his shot.
GAVIN
You know, back in my bachelor days,
I used to drink Evan Williams
whiskey. That’s also good stuff. I
don’t know if it’s the caliber of
Highland Park 30, though. Is Evan
Williams also $50 a shot?
BRANDON
It’s $12 a bottle.
GAVIN
Right. So is Highland Park 30 worth
a hundred times the price of Evan
Williams?
BARTENDER
Well. It might only be worth 50
times the price. But if I had your
money, I’d be willing to pay extra
for the best.
GAVIN
What money? My business wasn’t
Microsoft. It was a small chain of
dry cleaners.
4.
BARTENDER
What are you--George Jefferson or
something?
GAVIN
Close. I’m Gavin Mendelson. And you
are?
BRANDON
Brandon Carter.
GAVIN
Well, Brandon Carter. Your name
sounds significantly less Jewish
than mine.
Gavin finishes his shot.
GAVIN
$50 of whiskey, and I’m only 10%
drunk. This never happens with Evan
Williams. Let me get one more shot,
in glass of ginger ale.
BARTENDER
Ginger ale?
GAVIN
Yeah. Back when I used to drink
Evan Williams, a lot of times, I
drank it with ginger ale. Shweppes
Ginger Ale. Do you have any of
that?
BARTENDER
I do. But ginger ale really masks
the flavor of whiskey.
GAVIN
Well--with all due respect, I have
a lot of experience drinking
whiskey mixed with ginger ale. And
you probably have no experience
drinking that particular
combination. Am I right?
BARTENDER
Yeah.
GAVIN
So when it comes to whisky and
ginger ale, I’m the expert.
The Bartender touches the bottle.
5.
BARTENDER
This is Highland Park 30. It’s the
Rolls Royce of whiskey. You don’t
mix it with Schweppes Ginger Ale.
That would be like putting a "Honk
if You’re Horny" bumper sticker on
your Rolls Royce.
GAVIN
Well. I’m gonna go ahead and
question the legitimacy of your
analogy.
BARTENDER
OK. Fuck the analogy. I’m just
saying that you don’t mix premium
whiskey with anything. Especially
not Schweppes Ginger Ale.
GAVIN
Well. It’s my $50. And I want my
$50 shot my way.
BARTENDER
This ain’t Burger King. You can’t
have it your way. You can have it
straight up, or on the rocks.
GAVIN
Fine. Give me a shot straight up,
and a glass of ginger ale on the
side.
BARTENDER
.... Let me tell you something,
Gavin Meddleson.
GAVIN
Mendelson.
BARTENDER
I don’t care if your name is Barack
Hussein Obama. I’m not gonna let
you mix premium whiskey with ginger
ale. Those are two things that need
to remain apart from each other at
all times.
GAVIN
What are you--a segregationist?
6.
BARTENDER
I’m a bartender--and no bartender
with a shred of self-respect would
be willing to let some jackass
taint a shot of Highland Park 30.
GAVIN
... Have you ever been to Italy?
BARTENDER
Excuse me?
GAVIN
Italy. The boot shaped country in
Western Europe. Have you have ever
been there?
BARTENDER
No.
GAVIN
I’ve been there twice, Beautiful
country. Long history. Great pasta.
They have a saying in Italy. If I
remember correctly, it’s, "Vivi e
lascia vivere." It means "live and
let live."
BARTENDER
Well. We also have a saying here at
this bar. It goes a little
something like this. "Give me my
$50 and get the fuck out of here,
Gavin Mendelson."
GAVIN
Is that Italian?
BARTENDER
Cash or credit?
Gavin takes out his wallet and hands him a $50 bill.
GAVIN
Well. Here you go. ... Oh. And
here’s a tip. Fuck you. Now if
you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go to a
liquor store. Yeah. I’m gonna take
some of my retirement money, and
buy a six pack of Schweppes with a
bottle of Highland Park 30.
7.
BARTENDER
You better not.
GAVIN
I think I will. And I’ll drink it
in your honor. Cheers.
The Bartender attacks Gavin.
INT. GAVIN AND LYDIA’S HOME - DAY
Gavin walks in, with a Band-Aid on his forehead. He sees his
wife LYDIA (50).
GAVIN
Hi.
LYDIA
Hi. ... What’s with the Band-Aid?
GAVIN
Let’s just say I’m having some
trouble adjusting to life as a
retired person.
LYDIA
What kind of trouble?
GAVIN
Well. I got into a barfight.
LYDIA
Oh. Um. With who?
GAVIN
With a bartender.
LYDIA
How the hell did you get into a
barfight with a bartender?
GAVIN
He was offended by my order.
LYDIA
Did you order a sex on the beach
with his wife?
GAVIN
No. Whiskey and ginger ale. And
here’s a fun fact: bartenders
firmly believe that ginger ale
masks the flavor of whiskey.
8.
LYDIA
How firmly do they believe that?
GAVIN
Firmly enough to wrap their fingers
firmly around your neck.
LYDIA
I see. Well, are you OK?
GAVIN
Yeah. Now I can cross barfight off
of my bucket list.
INT. FRANK’S HOME - DAY
FRANK (65, Gavin’s brother) is on his speakerphone, and
talking to JOHN.
FRANK
Hey, John. Do you got a minute? I’m
having some problems with my TV.
JOHN
Oh. That sounds like it’s gonna
take more than a minute. You should
just call the cable company.
FRANK
The last time I called them, I
waited for 12 minutes to talk to
somebody, who ended up saying a
bunch of stuff I didn’t understand.
JOHN
Well what’s wrong with your TV?
FRANK
Well. I want to turn the TV on and
watch TV. But I can’t figure out
how. My TV is on--but there’s
nothing on my TV. No picture, no
sound. The TV’s power is on. But
the TV is not on. Something is
off. I don’t know what’s on and
what’s off. But I know I’m not
watching TV right now.
JOHN
Well. Is your Cable Box on?
9.
FRANK
I got ten devices, and they’re all
on. I turned on my TV, and
everything within a hundred yards
of my TV. My cable box, my DVD
player, my VCR, my clock, my
pinball machine. They’re on. But
apparently, something’s not on.
Otherwise, I’d be watching The Andy
Griffith Show right now. You know,
my grandson was here the other day,
and he hooked up some video game to
the TV. And now I can’t watch TV,
even though my TV is on.
JOHN
OK. He probably changed the input
setting. What you need to do is
press Input on your TV remote.
Frank looks at his remote.
FRANK
Input. Uh... I can’t find Input.
JOHN
That’s because you’re using the
wrong remote. You’re using your
cable box remote. Get your
TV remote, and press Input.
FRANK
My TV remote?
JOHN
The one that came with your actual
TV. What brand does it say on your
TV?
FRANK
Sony.
JOHN
OK. You need a remote that says
Sony on it.
FRANK
Let me find it.
(walks up to a small container
of remotes)
We got a container full of remotes
right here, next to our jellybeans.
OK. Let’s see.
10.
(examines the remotes)
I got five remotes, and three of
them say Sony.
JOHN
Well. Find the one that has
"channel up" and "channel down"
buttons.
Frank examines the remotes.
FRANK
OK. Let’s see. Sony, channel up,
channel down. I got it.
JOHN
Now press Input.
Frank finds and presses Input.
FRANK
... Alright. Some stuff popped up
on my TV.
JOHN
OK. Those are the Input options.
FRANK
There’s one option that says TV.
JOHN
Yeah. Don’t select that one.
FRANK
Don’t select TV?
JOHN
Yeah.
FRANK
What do you mean don’t select TV? I
want to watch TV on my TV.
JOHN
Right. If you want to watch TV on
your TV, don’t select TV.
FRANK
But it says TV.
JOHN
So?
11.
FRANK
What do you mean so? TV stand for
television.
JOHN
Do you want to watch television?
FRANK
Of course I want to watch
television.
JOHN
Well. If you want to watch
television, one of the main things
you need to know is that you should
never select the option on your
television that says TV.
FRANK
What the hell are you talking
about?
JOHN
Frank. Listen to me. The TV option
is the path to no TV. It’s like a
trap.
FRANK
Why is Sony trying to trap me into
watching no TV?
JOHN
Sony’s not trying to trap you. But
since you have a cable box, the TV
option is a like a trap. So instead
of selecting TV, select HDMI 1.
FRANK
HDMI 1 is the path to TV?
JOHN
Yes. Unless HDMI 2 or HDMI 3 is the
path to TV.
FRANK
OK. I went with HDMI 1, and now my
TV is on. It’s on on. It’s showing
that Kardashian girl. I can’t stand
her. Now, how do I use the Tivo
thingy to tape The Andy Griffith
Show every day?
12.
JOHN
OK. Press Menu.
FRANK
Um. ... I can’t find Menu.
JOHN
That’s because you’re using the
wrong remote. Use your cable
box remote.
FRANK
Which one’s that?
JOHN
It’s the first one you used. The
one that doesn’t say Sony.
Frank gets the other remote.
FRANK
OK. I got it. Menu. OK. Some stuff
popped on the screen.
JOHN
Now select search. Actually, no.
This is a little too advanced. I
don’t think I can teach it to you.
FRANK
Well. Forget about Andy Griffith
for a second. I have this DVD I
want to watch. I put the DVD in the
DVD machine. And the DVD machine is
on. Now what do I do?
JOHN
Press Input.
FRANK
I can’t find Input.
JOHN
Guess why? You’re using the wrong
fucking remote!
FRANK
Well which fucking remote should I
be using? The DVD remote?
JOHN
No. Your TV remote.
13.
FRANK
Which one is that again?
JOHN
The one that says Sony.
FRANK
I got three remotes that say Sony.
INT. GAVIN AND LYDIA’S HOME - DAY
Lydia is seated at a kitchen table and eating a
sandwich. Gavin walks in and sits down next to Lydia.
GAVIN
That sandwich looks good.
LYDIA
It tastes good, too.
GAVIN
I’ll bet it does.
LYDIA
Are you saying that you want me to
pause my meal, get up, and make you
a sandwich?
GAVIN
Of course not. What kind of a sick
human being would say that? I’m
just saying that there’s one
delicious sandwich in this kitchen,
and two people in this kitchen.
LYDIA
So you’re saying I should’ve made
sandwiches for both of us?
GAVIN
No. I’m just saying that it’s
lunchtime, and I’m here, and I like
sandwiches, and you’re eating a
sandwich.
LYDIA
So you’re saying you want me to
give you half of this sandwich?
GAVIN
Of course not. Half a sandwich
isn’t lunch. Lunch is a full
(MORE)
14.
GAVIN (cont’d)
sandwich. Like the full sandwich
that I don’t have on my plate right
now. I don’t even have a plate.
Lydia gets up, grabs a plate, and puts it on the table in
front of Gavin.
LYDIA
Well now you have a plate.
She takes another bite of her sandwich.
GAVIN
Great. This is why I married you. I
thought to myself, "Now there’s the
kind of woman who’ll give me an
empty plate when I’m hungry."
LYDIA
Is this what you’re gonna do now
that you’re retired? Give me some
bizarre daily diatribe on how I’m
eating a sandwich.
GAVIN
Well. I wasn’t planning on it.
LYDIA
Well. Let me ask you this. What are
you gonna do today?
GAVIN
I don’t know.
LYDIA
Well. What are you gonna do in
general, during your day-to-day
life? I mean, are we gonna go on
trips, or are you gonna find some
new line of work, or are you gonna
keep getting in barfights?
GAVIN
Honey. I told you. I’m gonna do
whatever for awhile, and then I’ll
stick with whatever, or I’ll move
on to some other stuff.
LYDIA
Well. "Gonna do whatever for a
while" is pretty vague. Can you
narrow that down a little?
15.
GAVIN
I’m gonna do some stuff for maybe,
like, a few months or years.
LYDIA
Great. Well I gotta go.
GAVIN
Where?
LYDIA
I gotta do some stuff. I’ll be home
at around 8.
She gets up and kisses him.
GAVIN
Can I have the rest of your
sandwich?
LYDIA
Bye.
She walks out.
GAVIN
(to himself)
Was that a yes or a no?
He takes out his phone and calls her.
GAVIN
(into cell phone)
Honey. I’m still not sure if I’m
allowed to eat the rest of this
sandwich.
INT. GAVIN AND LYDIA’S HOME (DEN) - DAY
(Later)
Gavin is watching TV and finishing a banana. The half eaten
sandwich from before is on the table next to him. He stares
at it. He takes out his cell phone and texts Lydia.
"Honey--can I eat the sandwich or not?" Five seconds later,
she texts him back: "Fuck off, Gavin."
The doorbell rings. He gets up and opens to door to reveal
Frank.
16.
GAVIN
Hi Frank.
FRANK
Hey. Uh. Congratulations on your
retirement.
GAVIN
Thank you.
FRANK
Can I watch some Andy Griffith
here? My TV’s pissing me off.
GAVIN
Uh. Sure.
He comes in.
GAVIN
Let me ask you a question first.
What exactly do retired people do?
FRANK
Well. Let’s see. I’ve been at it
for eight months now. And, uh, you
know. I watch Andy Griffith. When I
get my TV to turn on. And, uh, I
walk. I walk a lot.
GAVIN
Where do you walk?
FRANK
Wherever. I just go outside and I
walk somewhere.
GAVIN
And?
FRANK
And then I am somewhere.
GAVIN
And?
FRANK
And then I walk back home. And I
watch Andy Griffith. And, let’s
see. I pee a few times at night.
That’s another
thing retired people do.
17.
GAVIN
OK. Great. Since we’s both retired,
how about we go for a walk?
FRANK
OK. But I gotta pee first.
EXT. STREET / BAR - DAY
GAVIN
Hey. Can you do me a favor? Go into
that bar, sit down, and order a
shot of Highland Park 30, and a
glass of Schweppes Ginger Ale.
FRANK
Why?
GAVIN
Just do it. It’s on me. I’ll pay
for everything. It’s the best
whiskey in the world. Highland Park
30. I want you to try it.
FRANK
You’re gonna wait out here?
GAVIN
Yeah.
FRANK
Why?
GAVIN
I just want you to drink the
whiskey alone.
FRANK
Why?
GAVIN
Because if I’m with you, it’ll mask
the flavor of the whiskey.
FRANK
What?
He hands hims some bills.
GAVIN
Here. Here’s 80 bucks. The whiskey
costs $50.
18.
FRANK
$50 a bottle, or $50 a shot?
GAVIN
Don’t you know anything about
whiskey? Highland Park 30 is the
Rolls Royce of whiskey. You’re not
gonna get it for Hyundai prices.
FRANK
Hey. I drive a Hyundai.
GAVIN
And it’s a fantastic car. It’s like
the Evan Williams of cars. Now just
go in there and order a shot of
Highland Park 30. With a glass of
Schweppes Ginger Ale.
INT. BAR - DAY
Frank walks into the bar and sits down in front of Brandon.
Once again, there are no other customers present.
BRANDON
What can I get you?
FRANK
I’ll have a shot of Highland Park
30. And a glass of Schweppes Ginger
Ale.
BRANDON
Get the fuck out of my bar.
FRANK
Um. Excuse me?
BRANDON
Tell your buddy Gavin
Meddle-whatever the-fuck to piss
off.
FRANK
Gavin’s my brother. He’s outside.
Brandon walks outside.
19.
EXT. STREET / BAR - DAY
BRANDON
What are you doing here, asshole!
You’re harassing me.
GAVIN
I’m harassing you? I should’ve
called the cops earlier when you
attacked me.
BRANDON
What the fuck are you doing here?
Is this what you do all day now
that you’re retired?
GAVIN
No. I also complain about
sandwiches, and I pee several times
a day.
BRANDON
Well piss off. I have a business to
run.
GAVIN
You don’t seem to be doing much
business.
BRANDON
That’s none of your business.
GAVIN
Well. You’re right. It’s none of my
business. But I’m just saying. You
don’t seem to be getting many
customers. And, um, maybe I can
help you.
BRANDON
What the hell are you talking
about? Help me? I don’t want your
help. I’ve known you for five
minutes total, and I already
consider you my nemesis.
GAVIN
No. Listen. We just got off on the
wrong foot. You know. It was rude
for me to insist on mixing Highland
Park with Schweppes. Sometimes I’m
a little rude. It’s a character
flaw I’m working on.
20.
FRANK
You need to work harder on it.
GAVIN
Blow it out your ass, Frank.
FRANK
I rest my case.
GAVIN
(to Frank and Brandon)
Anyways, how about we all go in
there, and I buy the three of us a
shot of Highland Park 30--straight
up, no ginger ale. And we’ll have a
drink, and we’ll have a little
talk.
BRANDON
Are you serious?
GAVIN
Sure I’m serious. I want the three
of us to drink some $50 whiskey the
way it’s supposed to be drunk.
Straight up. No ginger ale.
INT. BAR - DAY
Gavin, Frank, and Brandon each have a shot in front of them.
Frank drinks some of his.
GAVIN
It’s good--isn’t it?
FRANK
Yeah. It’s like Evan Williams--but
smoother.
GAVIN
You clearly don’t know jack shit
about whiskey. Evan Williams and
Highland Park 30 are two completely
different drinks.
FRANK
How are they completely different?
GAVIN
How the hell should I know?
(to Brandon)
How are they completely different?
21.
BRANDON
Well. For starters, one is 30 year
old scotch whiskey, and the other
is 3 year old bourbon whiskey.
FRANK
Is that anything like the
difference between HDMI 1 and HDMI
2?
BRANDON
No. It’s more like the difference
between old barley in Scotland and
young corn in Kentucky.
FRANK
Right. By the way, if you want to
watch TV on your TV, don’t select
TV. And if you can’t find Input,
that means you’re using the wrong
fucking remote.
BRANDON
Are you one of those tech support
guys?
FRANK
Are you kidding me? Half the time,
I cant even turn on my own TV.
GAVIN
(to Brandon)
Anyways, how’s business here at
your bar?
BRANDON
What’s it to you?
GAVIN
Let’s just say it’s something to
me. How’s business here?
BRANDON
Let’s just say it’s been better.
GAVIN
"Better" as in you used to be
making a profit, and now you’re
losing money?
BRANDON
Maybe.
22.
GAVIN
Well. I want to try to turn things
around. I want to be your partner.
BRANDON
Excuse me?
GAVIN
I like this place. I like the idea
of running a bar. We can be
partners.
BRANDON
Why would I want to be partners
with you?
GAVIN
I have money. And you need money.
Otherwise, you might not stay in
business much longer.
BRANDON
Well. That might be true. But
you’re overlooking one thing. I
fucking hate you.
GAVIN
That’s good. I mean, the thing is,
we’re different. And I’ve made a
career out of partnering up with
people who aren’t like me. Let me
put it this way. Steve Jobs, Steve
Wozniak. Two completely different
guys. They partnered up, and that’s
what made Apple so great. That’s
what I do. I just sold a dry
cleaning business. I ran it with a
guy who’s nothing like me. And
before that, me and my cousin Joe
ran a stationary store. Joe is
nothing like me.
(to Frank)
Right, Frank?
FRANK
That’s true. You’re an obnoxious
son of a bitch, and Joe isn’t an
obnoxious son of a bitch.
GAVIN
Well. I wouldn’t put it quite like
that--but your basic point is
valid.
23.
(to Brandon)
Have you ever been to Italy?
BRANDON
Stop asking me that.
GAVIN
The point is, they have a saying in
Italy.
BRANDON
Fuck Italy.
GAVIN
No--that’s not the saying. They
wouldn’t say "Fuck Italy" in Italy.
That would be a very strange
Italian saying.
BRANDON
Just get to the point, here in
America. Don’t bring Italy into
this.
GAVIN
The point is, your name is Steve.
BRANDON
My name’s Brandon.
GAVIN
You’re Steve. I’m Steve, too. We’re
Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak.
FRANK
Can I also be Steve?
GAVIN
You want in on this business?
FRANK
Yeah. I got a little money in the
bank, and, you know, I wouldn’t
mind co-owning a bar.
GAVIN
Alright. I’ll cut you in.
BRANDON
Hold the phone here! You can’t sell
him a percentage of my business.
24.
GAVIN
Don’t worry. I’m selling him part
of my share.
BRANDON
You don’t have a share.
GAVIN
Do I have to explain the Steve and
Steve thing to you again?
BRANDON
Well as of right now, this bar is
owned by one Steve--and that Steve
is me, Brandon Carter.
GAVIN
Listen, Steve. Brandon Carter owns
a bar that’s gonna be out of
business in a few months. You need
to embrace your Steve-ness. I might
be an obnoxious son of a bitch. But
I’m an expert at embracing
Steve-ness. OK? Now, me and my
brother Steve are gonna join forces
with you, so we can be the three
Steves. That way, you’ll be able to
make a nice living, and buy your
wife a diamond ring and Rolls
Royce, and buy yourself a nice,
juicy, double Whopper with cheese.
Now how that sound, Stevey boy?
BRANDON
... Have you ever been to Italy?
GAVIN
A couple of times.
BRANDON
They have a little saying there.
"Mambo Italiano, pizza Chef
Boyardee." Which means, "If the
price is right, you got yourself a
deal, Steve."
GAVIN
Well. I’ll drink to that, Steve.
He picks up a shot.
25.
GAVIN
As they say in the Old Country:
salute, Steve.
The three of them click their glasses and drink their shots.
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