Dibble Training for: Connections: Relationships & Marriage Nancy Lenk Outreach Educator...

Dibble Training for:

Connections:Relationships &

Marriage

Nancy LenkOutreach Educator

Nancy@DibbleInstitute.org

Grant RequirementsNatalie *Numbers *Lessons *Dates

INTRODUCTION:NameSchoolHow did you learn about the training?

Something unique about yourself to help us remember you today.

The Dibble Institute The Dibble Institute is a non-profit organization

dedicated to helping young people learn skills which will enable them to have successful relationships and marriage.

It was founded by Charlie Dibble and his bride Helen in 1996

The Dibble Institute’s Mission isto help young people:

Navigate the world of romantic relationships

Be successful in developing healthy relationships

Construct a vision of marriage and healthy relationships

Relationships & Marriage

Gives students the knowledge and skills needed to encourage personal growth and promote positive interpersonal relationships.

Helps establish healthy, happy, stable

relationships with family, friends, teachers, boy/girl friends and eventually husbands and wives

About the authorChar Kamper

25+ years as an educatorMasters in Family StudiesCertified Family Life Educator

Mother of 3 One granddaughter

Connections:Relationships & Marriage

UNITS:

PersonalityRelationships

CommunicationMarriage

Section 1Personality

“What you think of yourself is much more important than what others think.” Seneca A.D. 64

LESSON 1

Terms: Environment + Personality + Unique

Heredity +Culture + TraitsMaterials: * What It’s Like to be Me * Poster Page * Factors that Influence

PersonalityLesson PlanLecture Notes

Lesson 1What’s it like to be me?Choose a partner & sit across from them

Take turns being the speaker/ listener

Follow “What it’s like to me” p. 3 and describe some of your favorites.

Speak on the topic for ONE minuteNow describe some of your skills & talents for ONE minute.

Many factors influence our PersonalityPoster Page

Lesson 2Understanding Myself

Terms – perception + self-esteem + hierarchy + temperament + self-actualization +

potential Materials – Understanding Myself Better

wksh. Interview…Up Close wksh. A Hierarchy of Needs Toward Self-

Actualization- overhead Personality- Needs that Direct

Behavior (overhead)

Personality Needs That Direct Behavior The need for control:

•driven by the need to control self, others and relationships•produces a feeling of safely and power•if used positively=leadership•if used negatively=manipulation

The need to be superior:•must give more, do more, be more than others•over-commits to responsibility•sees things as a competition •one who must prove superiority, comes from low self esteem

The need for comfort and pleasure•avoids situations that could produce stress•tends to underachiever•avoids responsibility and conflict•tries to be undemanding, a peace seeker and adaptable to change

The need for approval:•has low self-esteem, fears failure and rejection•takes few risk, does not generate new ideas•has a nonconfrontive attitude•tries to appear friendly and supportive

Lesson 2Understand Myself Better

Keirsey Bates Temperament Sorter* Read scoring instructions & explain

* Have students take the assessment * Have students score the assessment * Sort group by 16 Combinations

Each group should decide their 3 top distinguishing characteristics they bring to a relationship

Personality Types

Personality Types SP SJ NF NT Artisan Guardian Idealist Rational ESTP ESTJ ENFJ ENTJ ISTP ISTJ INFJ INTJ ESFP ESFJ ENFP ENTP ISFP ISFJ INFP IN

Sort groups by these 16 combinations

Each group should decide their 3 top distinguishing characteristics they bring to a relationship

Lesson 3Your Plan for Life

Terms Change + Flexibility + future

+ Plan + Goals + Success

Materials Your Plan for Life wksh

Lesson 3Your Plan for LifeChanges in Your Life:

Economic Status- Family Career Choice

Physical Appearance

Use page 12 of curriculum & write these categories across

the page

Changes in Your LifeDivide the length of the page in 3 sections

Label one section – High School Today

In 5-10 yearsList 1-2 changes you have experienced in

each life stage.Label them “positive +” and “negative –”

Section 2Relationships

“When me becomes we”

Lesson 4Things Change

Terms : + maturity + intentions + adaptation

+ interrelationshipsMaterials: Things Change wksh. Positive Relationships wksh. Change Over Time (4-1

overhead)

ASPECTS OF MATURITYPHYSICAL (ON OWN)

EMOTIONAL

SOCIAL

INTELLECTUAL

Signs of MaturityThe Mature Person is...

willing to wait for personal gratification, sees that success in life takes time.able to make promises and keep them, comes through in a crisis, meets deadlines without complaining.able to set realistic goals, willing to work toward accomplishing them without becoming distracted.concerned for the welfare of others, doesn’t always need to put self first.willing to give or accept an apology and move on, doesn’t have to say “I told you so.”does not live life merely reacting to events, can control anger and settle differences without damage or violence.

Lesson 4Things Change

Change

Home Income/Money School Family

Key Relationships Acquaintances

(Relate to “Change Over Time” overhead)

We must experience growth & development to remain healthy.Acquaintances

How are they different from key relationships?

Who is considered an acquaintance?

How deep is the bond?

How will it change as you mature?

Key Relationships

How are they different from acquaintances?

Why is family considered a key relationship?

How deep is the bond?

How will it change as you mature?

Key Relationship: Parent / Child

GROWTH AND CHANGE

Interdependence

Independence

Birth ChildhoodAdolescence Adulthood

Change Over Time

• Parent/child relationships do not remain the same over time.

•The child may be ready for independence before the parents are ready to give it.

•By the time the child reaches adulthood the relationship should be one of interdependence.

•Eventually, the roles may reverse if the aging parent becomes dependent on the child.

Lesson 5 Expectations

Terms: +expectation + core beliefs

+ events + issues Materials: Expectations in

Relationships (overhead)

Events and Issues (overhead)

Hidden Issues (overhead)

What are your expectations ifYou are Married?

I will read a card from “Married Options” cards from the Relationality Game

Move to the section of the room you that best describes your expectation.

Look at the “Hidden Issues” overheadHow do these issues lead to conflict?

(How have your expectations changed in the last 5 years?)

It’s 10 MINUTEBREAK TIME

Lesson 6 AttractionsTerms: + gender + courtesies +

behaviors

Materials: Attractions – wksh.Getting Acquainted – wksh.My Ideal Person – wksh.

10 Basic Ingredients for Friendship

(overhead)

Signs of Maturity (overhead)

“Perfect” Relationship…..Ten Basic Ingredients for Friendship

Signs of MaturityAttractions – p. 15

Getting Acquainted: Professional Relationship

Teacher: Needs

Expectations

Teacher’s ideal principal

Principal: Needs Expectations

Principal’s ideal teacher

As a group discuss ?’s 1-7

on page 16. Instead of date/ think

of teacher or principal

The Brain Chemistry of Love

For 3 to 6 months you receive a big shot of the “love chemicals.” Enjoy the great feelings….but

remember you won’t see clearly until those chemicals settle down a bit.

23

Expectations of….Teachers…..

Perfect principal

from teacher’s

point of view???

Principals……

Perfect teacher from principal’s point of view???

My Ideal Person

Evidence shows that people who have a realistic idea of the type of person they are looking for report more relationship satisfaction when they meet or marry someone who is like that.

Lesson 7 Dating & Emotions Breaking-Up

Terms: + trust + jealousy + understanding

+ dishonesty + confidence + manipulation

Materials: Dating & Emotions wksh. Breaking Up wksh. When Relationships End (overhead)

Relationships: Steps to Recovery (overhead)

Breaking UpMyth: All relationships are worth saving. Myth: There is only one person with whom one can find happiness. Myth: Although unfulfilling, it’s better to stay together than be alone.

Truth: Some relationships are not all that they could be and may even be emotionally or physically damaging.

*************** Unless the breakup is mutual, both partners will

experience uncomfortable feelings, a typical outcome of broken emotional ties with another person.

When Relationships End

Communication patterns change.

Spending quality time together is no longer a priority.

Partners argue more and do not resolve their differences.

There is evidence of physical and/or emotional abuse.

The partners have different expectations for or about the relationship.

Feelings change and the partners grow apart.

Unresolved personality differences.

Expectations may vary about sexual behavior within the relationship.

One or both partners’ needs are no longer being met by the relationship.

Be sure that breaking up is really what you want to do.

Decide on a time and place. Tell your partner why you are

breaking up. End the relationship

completely. Do not make promises for the future.

Understand that immediate emotions and future feelings will be sensitive for awhile.

BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS: STEPS TO RECOVERY

Blame and self-doubt are destructive; because one relationship ends doesn’t mean others will.

Try to think differently about the situation or person; interfere with thoughts that are painful and concentrate

on things you like.

For awhile, limit going to familiar places that hold memories; find new and different activities.

Meet new people, learn a skill, join a group.

Be patient, use the support of family and friends; there is no hurry, new relationships will develop.

Section 3Communication

“Communications is to a relationship what breathing is to

maintaining life.”

Lesson 8Communication Patterns

Terms: +conflict + withdrawal + escalation +invalidation + impact + filters

+ intent + negative interpretationMaterials: Family Patterns wksh.

Types of Filters wksh. Overheads:

* 4 Danger Signs * Escalation * Negative Interpretation

* Withdrawal

Family Patterns

The way family members communicate with each other in large part influences how they interact in relationships outside of the home.

Identifies hidden family patternsDifferent patterns lead to misunderstandings

and conflict between people.Self-awareness is a key factor in both verbal

and nonverbal communication.

Four “Danger” SignsEscalationInvalidationNegative Interpretations

Withdrawal (Refer to Overheads)

Lesson 9Dealing with Conflict

Terms: + Compromise + Paraphrase

Materials: Dealing with Conflict wksh.

Dealing With Conflict

“If you want to have a great marriage, the way you handle differences matters more than what those differences are.”

Fighting for Your Marriage

Practice Communication StylesUsing “Floor” model p.28 orUsing “Ear/Lips” model

Self access you conflict pattern –p27Choose a partnerTurn to page 28 in the workbook- Practice both methods using a conflict card

Lesson 10Talking/ Listening

Terms: + body language + verbal + cues +nonverbalMaterials: Let’s Talk wksh. Listening wksh. Communication: Guideline for Listening (overhead) Four Vertical Communication

Pattern Level Communication (both

handouts)

Communication Activity5 Volunteers Apply “labels”Choose a topicDiscuss topic 4-5 minutesAudience: communication patterns observedParticipants: how did you feel?Positive/ Negative communication patterns?? **Review both handouts**

It’s Lunchtime!Back in 30 minuts.

Section 4Marriage

“Coming together is a beginning;

keeping together is progress;working together is success.

Anonymous

Lesson 11What is Love?

Terms: + passion + genuine love + intimacy

+ imitation love

Materials: Components of Relationships wksh.

What is Love? wksh. Components of Relationships

( overhead)

STAGES OF INTIMACYDELIGHTRECIPROCITYTRUSTRESPECTMUTUAL CHOICEOverhead 11 a&b

If You Dream of Having a Happy,Healthy, & Loving Marriage…p.34 wkbk

Imitations Love is: p. 35 wkbk

Genuine Love is:

Select a Partner to Marry

*Partners must be willing to be “married” for the next 6 lessons.*Partners for this training must be within this room. In the classroom students could choose someone outside the classroom but would be able to work with them on a daily basis.Speaker/ Listener techniques should be practiced on disagreements about important issues.

Lesson 12Roadblocks to Relationships

Terms: + risk factors + cohabitation

Materials: Roadblocks to Relationships wksh. Before you Marry wksh. Influences on Marriage

(overhead) Facts About Marriage (overhead)

About Living Together Before Marriage

(overhead)

7 Most Prevalent Causes ofFaulty Mate Selection p. 38

1. Decision to get married made too quickly2. Decision is made to young of an age3. One or both person too eager to get

married4. One or both choosing to marry to please

someone else5. Experience base is too narrow6. Couple has unrealistic expectations7. One or both have unaddressed significant

personality or behavior problems

10 Principles for a Great Marriage1. Eliminate 7 primary causes for

faulty mate selection2. Find a mate who is a lot like you3. Get yourself emotionally healthy

before marriage4. Develop a clear mental image of

your perfect person5. Find a love you can feel deep in

your heart

10 Principles for a Great Marriage cont.

6. Let passionate love mature before you decide

7. Master the art of intimacy8. Learn to clear conflict from the

road of love9. Refuse to proceed until you are

fully committed10.Celebrate you marriage with full

support of family and friends

CH 12 – INFLUENCES ON MARRIAGEDifficult to Change

Someone close has divorced

Living togetherMarried beforeBrief dating, engagementPrevious childrenYounger than 20Different religious or

philosophical beliefsPersonality or behavior

problemsNarrow life experience

base

Easier to ChangeNegative styles of

talking/fightingDifficulty

communicatingUnrealistic beliefs &

expectationsDifferent attitudesLow level of

commitment

Commitment QuizTrue or False?

Living together improves one’s chances for a successful

marriage

Answer:

FALSE…Couples who cohabit have higher divorce rates than couples that do notCouples who live together have a 50% higher divorce rate.

The National Marriage Project

Moving In – Moving On?Living together does not improve the

chances of the couple staying together.These couples have less commitment,

more conflict, and higher divorce rates if they do marry.

Most cohabiting couples have broken up within two years of the birth of a baby.

Lesson 13The Marriage

Terms: +priorities + commitment + constraint

+ personal dedication

Materials: Making the Decision wksh Priorities wksh. Household Duties: wksh The Wedding wksh. Marriage License wksh. Commitment….Choices

(overhead)

The GoalWorking together for the common good.

The true strength of a marriage relationship will become evident when new challenges impact the couple.

Lesson 14The Family

Terms: +flexibility + responsibility

Materials: A Portrait wksh. Family Album wksh. Children – game cards

Create-a-Kid p.68 Determine the sex of your first born by flip of

a coin.Follow procedures on p. 68 of lesson 14.Record the gene contributions on the data

sheet & describe the facial characteristics of the offspring

Assign students to sketch the child

It’s 10 MINUTEBREAK TIME

Lesson 15Finances

Materials: Finances wksh. The Family Budget wksh.

The Family Budget

(overhead)

The Family BudgetDifferent spending habits often lead

to conflict between the partnersMany people do not know how to

establish and live within a family budget

Most females must work outside of the home in order to help meet financial needs of the family.

The Family Budget - $$$Couples will draw their occupation

Begin by paying your taxes – 22% up to $ 30,000.

40% over $30,000.

Record your answer on wksh. p. 47

Refer to The Family Budget (overhead 15-1)

Calculate your Family Budget on wksh. p. 48

Adjustments may have to be made for daycare(young children) or car insurance cost(teens)

Use the last blank on page 78 to write your budget

Where did all the $ go?Over 100 occupation game cards are

provided for this lesson.Participants quickly learn that money

matters when providing for a family.Differences in income and capability

become evident and are a reflection of the greater society as a whole

They develop a deeper appreciation for what their parents deal with in real life.

Lesson 16Crisis

Terms + crisis + teamwork + coping skills

+forgiveness

Materials: Our Crisis wksh. Problem Solving (overhead) Forgiveness (overhead)

Crisis: How to handle the tough issues.

This lesson encourages resiliency skills and problem solving together.

The participants become aware of their current abilities to handle difficulties.

They learn the purpose of forgiveness and the importance of moving forward.

Dealing with crisis:Phase 1 CrisisPhase 2 ConfusionPhase 3 Working throughPhase 4 New beginning

Family CrisisProblem Solving ForgivenessAgenda SettingBrainstormingAgreement &

CompromiseFollow-up on a

Trial Solution

Is: Canceling a past debt Give up getting even Give up “you owe me” Do Not hold other downIs Not: Forgetting the situation Ignoring grief or pain Avoiding consequences or responsibility Trusting Blindly Guaran- teeing reconciliation

Lesson 17Family Fun

Terms: + stress

Materials: Family Vacation wksh. Planning a Family Vacation

(overhead)

Having Fun Together

Spending enjoyable time away from daily routines can reduce stress and develop relationship.

Families should build on one another’s strengths and interests to plan and implement quality time together.

Lesson 18Marriage Evaluation

Marriage when it is right, fulfills the deepest of all human needs.

It is the desire of Char Kamper, the author that students who complete this unit will have a better chance of experiencing a happy and successful life-long marriage.

Curricula Available

GamesThe Pocket Ungame & Teen Relationships

Relationality Game

Let’s review the Grant Information:Share and enjoy your new curriculumAs federal grant, requirements are to: teach the curriculum to 20 students a minimum of 8 classroom hoursReport data to: Natalie Middleton

natalie.middleton@publicstrategies.com phone – 405-848-2078

For Further InformationContact:

Need help? Have questions? Offer comments.

Nancy Lenk The Dibble Institute Outreach Educator

Nancy@DibbleInstitute.org 636-528-4550

Please take a moment to complete the evaluation.

Thank You.Have a safetrip home.