Day #7 of 8 Loss of Control Anxiety › faculty › rafterm › 0 0LLI... · FORGIVENESS This...

1

Day #7 of 8

Loss of Control

&

Anxiety

Roster: Handouts:

Please verify your

information and put a

checkmark next to

your name.

Please pick up a copy

of today’s handouts.

http://www.canyons.edu/faculty/rafterm

2

The Psychology of Love & Loss

Day #7 of 8

Loss of Control & Anxiety • Forgiveness

• The relationship of our sense of control and anxiety

• The relationship between mental motion & emotion

• Attention and memory

• The impact of love and grief on our ability

to process information (Daniel Schacter)

• Our memory of an event after it comes to an end

3

…but first,

one item related to

the physiological effects of

love.

4

A picture's worth:

Partner photographs reduce

experimentally induced pain.

(2009)

Fig. 1. Mean pain rating as a function of mode and source of support.

Master S L et al. Psychological Science 2009;20:1316-1318

Copyright © by Association for Psychological Science

Squeeze Ball Chair

FORGIVENESS

FORGIVENESS IN

5 STEPS

FORGIVENESS

This portion of today’s information

is drawn from the following book:

Worthington, E.L. (2001).

Five Steps to Forgiveness:

The Art and Science of Forgiving.

1. Recall the hurt

2. Empathize

3. Altruistic gift of forgiveness

4. Commit publicly to forgive

5. Hold on to forgiveness

“Forgiveness isn’t for wimps…

In many ways, the destructive power of unforgiveness is much easier...”

THE FIVE STEPS – R.E.A.C.H.

1. How serious is the hurt? Start with a smaller annoyance to gain confidence.

2. How raw is the wound? Don’t try to heal a wound while the blood is still wet.

3. Is the person absent from or still present in your life? In an ongoing relationship,

you may be hurt again. See questions #1 & #2.

THREE QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER…

“Recall the offense and my own hurt with empathy for the

perpetrator.”

This step is different than the usual rumination about what

happened. Empathy, in addition to being the complete second

step, is included as an important part of this first step.

I need to put myself in the place and mindset of the perpetrator as I

mentally walk through the events of the offense, from A-to-Z.

Revisit the event as the perpetrator.

What happened that led up to the event?

What happened in each moment of the event?

What happened right after the event?

1. RECALL THE HURT

There are three levels at which empathy can be experienced:

1. Understanding: I simply understand the point of view of the

other person.

2. Emotional Identification: I feel with and think with the

other person.

3. Compassionate Empathy: I feel with and think with the

other person, and I want to increase the happiness and

decrease the suffering of the other person.

If I want to forgive, then I need to experience compassionate

empathy.

Revisit step #1 with this in mind.

2. EMPATHIZE

Unselfish concern for the welfare of another.

This type of forgiveness is extended unconditionally. It is not

dependent on any interaction with the other person. It is not

dependent upon any behavior on part of the other person. The

other person could be dead.

For me to be forgiven, I was taught that I need to confess my

hurtful behavior, and ask for forgiveness – before I die.

For me to offer forgiveness, this requires me to be more altruistic

than the God about whom I was taught.

This forgiveness is not easy stuff, but

in the book you’ll find helpful mental exercises.

3. ALTRUISTIC GIFT OF FORGIVENESS

I can write my forgiveness in a certificate, a letter, a journal, a poem or song.

I can tell my forgiveness to a trusted friend or to myself, but I must say it aloud. I must say that

I have forgiven the particular person for a particular offense.

This is a type of behavioral contract, and it is important, because later I might doubt my forgiveness…

1. If I see the person again

2. If I’m hurt in the same way by someone else

3. If I’m under a high level of stress

4. If I’m hurt again by the same person

4. COMMIT PUBLICLY TO FORGIVE

If I do recall the hurt and suffer the pain again, then I

may feel my forgiveness wasn’t real, but this is not so.

If holding on to forgiveness is difficult, then

one or more of these may help:

1. Realize that the pain of remembering is not unforgiveness.

To forgive does not require me to forget.

2. Don’t dwell on negative emotions.

3. Remind myself that I have forgiven the person.

4. Refer to the commitment document I created.

5. Seek reassurance from a trusted friend.

6. Think through the REACH steps, again.

5. HOLD ON TO FORGIVENESS

From the 2001 edition of

Forgiveness

From the 2003 edition of

Forgiveness

Worthington, E.L. (2003).

Forgiving and Reconciling:

Bridges to Wholeness and Hope.

Downers Grove, Illinois: InterVarsity Press.

The Relationship

Between

One’s Sense of Control

& Anxiety

20

0

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

Low Medium Low Medium High High

Level

of

Need

to E

xert

Con

trol

Level of Anxiety

Anxiety & The Need to Exert Control

0

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

Low Medium Low Medium High High

Level

of

Need

to E

xert

Con

trol

Level of Anxiety

Anxiety & The Need to Exert Control

0

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

Low Medium Low Medium High High

Level

of

Need

to E

xert

Con

trol

Level of Anxiety

Anxiety & The Need to Exert Control

0

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

Low Medium Low Medium High High

Level

of

Need

to E

xert

Con

trol

Level of Anxiety

Anxiety & The Need to Exert Control

0

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

Low Medium Low Medium High High

Level

of

Need

to E

xert

Con

trol

Level of Anxiety

Anxiety & The Need to Exert Control

The Relationship Between One’s Sense of Control & Anxiety

26

The Relationship Between One’s Sense of Control & Anxiety

27

The Relationship Between One’s Sense of Control & Anxiety

28

The Relationship Between One’s Sense of Control & Anxiety

29

The Relationship Between One’s Sense of Control & Anxiety

30

THE AUTONOMIC NERVOUS SYSTEM

Sympathetic Branch

Physiological Arousal is High

More Anxiety

Parasympathetic Branch

Physiological Arousal is Low

Less Anxiety

31

Laboratory research has identified

increased autonomic activity (sympathetic

activation) in anxiety disorders including:

post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD),

obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD),

generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), and

panic disorder.

THE EFFECT OF

INITIATING CONTACT WITH ANOTHER

VS.

BEING APPROACHED BY ANOTHER.

THE EFFECT OF

INITIATING CONTACT WITH ANOTHER

INCREASES ONE’S SENSE OF CONTROL

AND PROACTIVE INTEREST

VS.

BEING APPROACHED BY ANOTHER

DECREASES ONE’S SENSE OF CONTROL

AND INCREASES REACTIVE RESPONSES.

Fig. 1. Men's and women's (a) romantic desire for their speed-dating partners, (b) romantic

chemistry with their partners, and (c) percentage of “yes” responses to their partners as a

function of which sex rotated.

Finkel E J , Eastwick P W Psychological Science

2009;20:1290-1295

Copyright © by Association for Psychological Science

THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN

MENTAL MOTION (thought speed and variability)

&

EMOTION

Fig. 1. Diagram illustrating the relationship between mental motion (thought speed and variability) and affective experience.

Pronin E , and Jacobs E Perspectives on Psychological Science 2008;3:461-485

Copyright © by Association for Psychological Science

“I Love Lucy” Experiment Pronin et al. (2008) conducted an

experiment using visual stimuli.

Participants (N = 73) viewed a clip from

the 1950s television situation comedy I Love Lucy (Arnaz, 1951), played without

sound at either normal speed or fast speed

(i.e., eight times normal speed).

Participants narrated the clip as they

watched. Afterwards, they reported their

self-perceived thought speed and their

mood.

“I Love Lucy” Experiment Participants who watched the clip

at fast speed perceived themselves

as thinking faster than did those

who watched the clip at normal

speed. They also reported being in a

more positive mood. Moreover, their

self-perceived thought speed was

predictive of that positive mood.

ATTENTION, PERCEPTION,

& MEMORY

41

We are limited in our ability

to pay attention.

42

We perceive

that to which we attend.

43

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJG698U2Mvo

A Selective Attention Test

“Count how many times the players

wearing white pass the basketball.”

You will see two teams of players. One

team wears white shirts and the other

team wears black shirts.

The focus of my attention

forms the basis of my

perception, and I create my

reality based on my

perceptions.

44

Salient

Memories

45

“It seems like it happened

just yesterday!”

How many of us have

experienced something so

profound, that when we

think about it…

“It seems like it happened

just yesterday!”

The number of “intervening and related events”

that occur between the original event and the

current moment will affect our subjective

perception of the amount of time that has

lapsed since the original event.

1995 Feels So Close Yet So Far :

The Effect of Event Markers on Subjective Feelings of Elapsed Time

“It seems like it happened

just yesterday!”

The number of “intervening and related events” that occur between the original event and the current moment will affect our subjective perception of the amount of time that has lapsed since the original event.

A BIRTH 1ST LOVE A WEDDING A DEATH 9/11 BOSTON - 2013

1995 Feels So Close Yet So Far :

The Effect of Event Markers on Subjective Feelings of Elapsed Time

…but still, we forget.

The Seven Sins of Memory: How the Mind Forgets and Remembers

Daniel L. Schacter (2001)

1. Transience

2. Absent-mindedness

3. Blocking

4. Misattribution

5. Suggestibility

6. Bias

7. Persistence

The Seven Sins of Memory

1. Transience: weakening of memory over time

2. Absent-mindedness: distracted attention

3. Blocking: thwarted search for LTM memory

4. Misattribution: loss of source memory

5. Suggestibility: implanted memory (Loftus)

6. Bias: memory revised on feeling more than fact

7. Persistence: repeated recall of information

we’d prefer to forget - PTSD & Counter-factual Thinking

Mood & Memory Context-Dependent Recall of Information

Mood & Memory Context-Dependent Recall of Information

Mood while

Learning

HAPPY SAD

Mood & Memory Context-Dependent Recall of Information

Mood while

Learning

Mood

while

Recalling

HAPPY SAD

HAPPY

SAD

Mood & Memory Context-Dependent Recall of Information

Mood while

Learning

Mood

while

Recalling

HAPPY SAD

HAPPY Better

Recall Worse

Recall

SAD Worse

Recall

Better

Recall

The red line marks

the last moment of

the colonoscopy.

The type of ending affects our memory of our

work, love & play.

…an activity that adds joy to life:

…a best moments review at the end of the day

“What did you enjoy today (or this week)?”

Name and count these memories.

This activity helps to end the day well.

It increases savoring.

“What do you joyfully look forward to

tomorrow (or next week)?”

This activity also helps to end the day well and

begin tomorrow with a happy sense of

anticipation. It increases savoring.

…another activity

that adds joy to life:

Four common indices have been identified that

- alone or in combination –

are the hallmarks of savoring a positive experience:

1. Displaying positive emotions nonverbally

2. Staying present in the moment of the event

3. Thinking about the experience

before (anticipation) and after (reflection)

4. Telling others about the experience

SAVORING

If I appreciate the current moment as a

significant moment, then my enjoyment in

the moment increases, and I prolong my joy

by savoring.

63

Rating of enjoyment as a function of the chocolate’s test position and the participant’s condition.

O’Brien E , Ellsworth P C (2012). Saving the Last for Best: A Positivity Bias for End Experiences. Psychological Science . 23, 163-

165. Copyright © by Association for Psychological Science

Rating of enjoyment as a function of the chocolate’s test position and the participant’s condition.

O’Brien E , Ellsworth P C (2012). Saving the Last for Best: A Positivity Bias for End Experiences. Psychological Science . 23, 163-

165. Copyright © by Association for Psychological Science

Rating of enjoyment as a function of the chocolate’s test position and the participant’s condition.

O’Brien E , Ellsworth P C (2012). Saving the Last for Best: A Positivity Bias for End Experiences. Psychological Science . 23, 163-

165. Copyright © by Association for Psychological Science

Rating of enjoyment as a function of the chocolate’s test position and the participant’s condition.

O’Brien E , Ellsworth P C (2012). Saving the Last for Best: A Positivity Bias for End Experiences. Psychological Science . 23, 163-

165. Copyright © by Association for Psychological Science

Rating of enjoyment as a function of the chocolate’s test position and the participant’s condition.

O’Brien E , Ellsworth P C (2012). Saving the Last for Best: A Positivity Bias for End Experiences. Psychological Science . 23, 163-

165. Copyright © by Association for Psychological Science

Rating of enjoyment as a function of the chocolate’s test position and the participant’s condition.

O’Brien E , Ellsworth P C (2012). Saving the Last for Best: A Positivity Bias for End Experiences. Psychological Science . 23, 163-

165. Copyright © by Association for Psychological Science

Rating of enjoyment as a function of the chocolate’s test position and the participant’s condition.

O’Brien E , Ellsworth P C (2012). Saving the Last for Best: A Positivity Bias for End Experiences. Psychological Science . 23, 163-

165. Copyright © by Association for Psychological Science

71

…savoring.

72

Let us all take care

in the ways we say

goodbye.

The type of ending

affects our memory of our

work, love & play.