Conflict & Forgiveness: For Those Who "Hate Confrontation"

Forgiveness is the word we use whenone chooses to let go of a particulargrievance or hurt. It is a means to attainpeace by not dwelling on the painwhich keeps your body in that revvedup "fight or flight" mode. Few of ushave been taught how to forgive andone of the reasons is a cultural misinter-pretation about "conflict." Most of ussee conflict as negative or bad whichtoo often creates anger and aggression.

In her book "Anger the MisunderstoodEmotion, " by Carol Tavris, she shares astory about the Buddha coming to histemple and seeing his congregation out-side fearful of entering. He asked whyand was told that a large snake wasstopping them. The Buddha apparentlybeing like Harry Potter was able to talkto the snake, and asked him to not biteany member of his congregation. Thefollowing week, his temple was full,and he had a great sermon, yet uponleaving he heard a sound of anguish inthe bushes. There he found the snake allbeat up and bloody. The Buddha askedwhat had happened, and the snakereplied that he did not bite anyone asthe Buddha suggested and he was beatup for his kindness. The Buddha staredat him and replied that he had suggest-ed that the snake not bite, but he did nottell him not to hiss.

It is our sense that conflict is neitherbad nor good; it just is an inescapable

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Conflict and-rgl nFor Those Who "Hate Confrontation"

by Ken Silvestri, Ed.D. Frederic Luskin, Ph.D. and Jed Rosen, LCSW

part of life. The Greeks described theprocess of nature or "Gaia," as a processwhere the whole is more than the sumof the parts. There is plenty that wecould call bad or good, in nature; prettybaby cubs being eaten by larger preda-tors, or the yin/yang of life where thereare choices between focusing on theglass half full or empty. The up shootis often conflict is simply grist for cre-ativity or change. Take the shell fishthat gets some muck into its shell andresists it with its own mucous like liq-uid, eventually producing a valuedpearl. Which part was good and whichpart was bad? Mountains, canyons andmuch of human beings works of art arein some way products of conflict.

Carl Jung once described conflict asresulting from the formation of para-doxes (something good in one contextbut not in another wider context; butthat can be seen as something that ifworked through, creates resolution andhappiness. In her book "TheUnthinkable: Who Survives WhenDisaster Strikes and Why," AmandaRipley describes how catastrophe (or agrievance) is not the end, but the begin-ning. It is part of history which has noend and opens up possibilities. Being inthe present according to Ripley is moreinteresting since it is reality.Understanding conflict is a vehicle fornot blaming. This is what Hunter S.Thompson meant when he said, "Call

on god but row away from the rocks."Doing nothing is being a victim; itsopposite is being a hero.

We position forgiveness, which, in itstrue sense is not minimizing nor con-doning the pain that may come fromconflicts as a central healing metaphorfor conflict. It addresses the problemthat many of us have and that is lettinggo of our "tale of woe." Recently awoman (Megan) came for psychothera-py. She said that what she was not get-ting in life was empathy from her hus-band. She narrated many instanceswhere he dismissed or devalued herfeelings. When asked if she had dis-cussed that with him, Megan said, "noway, he would only get mad at me. " Herfamily background was full of stories ofauthoritarian discipline. She couldnever dialogue with her parents. In thisinstance Megan's brain was very "statedependent," meaning it recognized pat-terns of emotions rather than contentand so she got stuck in her story and herbad content. She could not let go, for-give or deal successfully with her expe-rience or her husband until she learnedhow to forgive.

Following are nine steps to help Megandeal with her real and imagined con-flict:

1.Megan was asked to express whatshe felt so she could allow openness to

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produce a "non-denial" of her feelings.I did this to help widen her lens to viewthe "wrong" that was hurting her. Ourgood side is constantly overtaken byour shadow side when we lose perspec-tive and Megan was putting herselfdown. She said she felt "stifled andfearful to express herself."

2. We then discussed what forgive-ness was for her and I explainedthat it is a process and commit-ment to make peace with what is. Thiswas accepted by her when we discussedthe negative effects her pattern of con-flict avoidance had on her life. Her"aha" moment came when she articulat-ed how she would get sick and nervousafter she refused to express her truth.

3. Megan needed reassurance thatforgiveness is not about minimiz-ing her hurt it is about changing hergrievance story. Forgiveness does notnecessarily mean reconciling with theperson who upset you or condoningtheir action. It is to set a goal to let her,in this case go to a healed place thatdoes not blame or live in fear.

4. Next we discussed how choosingto forgive is choosing health and notbeing a victim. Megan now worked ongetting the right perspective on what ishappening. By sharing with her howour brain and nervous system works shebegan to recognize that her primary dis-tress was coming from the hurt feelings,thoughts, and physical upset that shewas suffering now, not what offendedor hurt her two minutes or even tenyears ago. Megan's tale of woe kept ongetting bigger and bigger from practiceand kept her captive. This is not to min-imize hurt but to realize that the griev-ance story is likely not the most skillfulway to construct our reality. I suggest-ed that she think of the grievance, takea deep breath and create a loving imageof her positive possibilities. She alsoparticipated in some visualizations (seebelow), which further helped gain awider perspective on what was happen-ing.

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5. Visualizing loving images and feel-ing of gratitude supports positiveemotions that manage stress andincrease your confidence. Megan wasinstructed, at the moment she felt upset,to practice the Positive EmotionRefocusing Technique (PERT) tosoothe her body's flight or fightresponse. PERT consists of relaxing thebody, softening the belly as you breatheand visualizing something you aregrateful and compassionate about. Thishelped her see, similar to being able tochoose the TV channel that she mightwish to see, that she could also choosethe life view that she wanted to livewithin.

6. Megan admitted that she was, ifonly in her head, making manydemands of her husband regarding himbeing empathic. She had to "confront"the reality that she had to give upexpecting things from those whowill not give them to you. Thereare certain unenforceable rules thatstrengthen the grievance story such asmy husband has to be empathic to mewhen I want him to. She began toaccept that by letting herself makepeace with who he actually is a relation-ship could begin with a real humanbeing. John Welshons writes in hisrecent book "When Prayers Aren'tAnswered," that " ...the acceptance ofthings as they are in this context doesnot imply complacency ... the accept-ance of things as they are is intended toalleviate suffering we habitually createin our minds with the desire to changethings we simply cannot change."

7.Megan now had to learn to put herenergy in a positive direction.Embracing positive intention does notentail writing off the one who hurt us. Itmay have just not worked out or theother person had different desires or thecommunication was poor. if the other iswilling to join you in an honest win-winvolley. Wonderful. Acceptance of whoyou are and your desires and wishes isone way to exhibit self love and that is

what was offered to Megan. Meganlearned to express her desires and wish-es in a compassionate manner.

8. As Megan experienced the freedomof genuinely and kindly expressing herwishes, she felt that she was living alife well lived. Instead of focusingon her wounded feelings, and therebygiving her husband and parents dispro-portionate power over her, she hadmore opportunity to look for the love,beauty, and kindness around her. Megansaw that she need not define herself bythose who had hurt her.

9. Megan was able to amend hergrievance story by reminding herselfof her heroic choice to forgive andrelease herself from the stress and anxi-ety of fearing confrontation. She alsobegan the long and arduous process ofcreating a relationship with her husbandless focused on mind reading and regretand more on communication and shar-ing. ill

Dr. Fred Luskin, Director, is anauthor and senior consultant with the _Health Promotion Project at Stanford i

g University. He developed the ForgiveFor Good methodology and hasbeen featured on major media out-, lets, journals and PBS, (www.learningtoforgive.com).

Jed Rosen, M.S.w., L.C.S.w.,Clinical Director, has been practicing~and supervising, family, marital, and, individual and 'group psychotherapyfor over twenty five years. He is aninstructor for continuing education at!The Graduate School of Social Work I~for Rutgers University, Bryn Mawr !

, University and Adelphi University j'

(jed. rosen @verizoI1:net). ~.. ~g Dr. Ken Silvestri, Educational ~IDirector, has published over fifty arti- "cles and conducted numerous work-shops on family therapy, homeopa-thy, and alternative education and

it communication skills. He has been. in practice for thirty years and is an•AAMFT clinical member, approved, supervisor and an active black belt. student of Aikido(www.drkennethsilvestri.com).

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