books by amanda lovelace - Internet Archive

booksbyamandalovelacethe

series:

theprincesssavesherselfinthisone(#1)thewitchdoesn’tburninthisone(#2)

***

thethingsthath(a)unt

duology:

tomakemonstersoutofgirls(#1)

notefromtheauthorthisbookoriginallyappearedonwattpadinchapbookformunderthe title poetry will not make you immortal. the book you’reholdingnow, tomakemonstersoutofgirls, is the samestoryyoureadthen,only ithasbeenedited,expandedupon, illustrated,&given a new & more fitting title. thank you, lovely readers, forreaching out & for inspiring me to bring my creation to its fullpotential.

lacedwithlove,amanda

thisisdedicatedtotheonewhosteppedback

&letme

grow.

triggerwarningintimatepartnerabuse,

eatingdisorders,self-harm,cheating,alcohol,religion,death,gore,fire,

blood,&possiblymore.

remembertopracticeself-carebefore,during,&after

reading.

contents

monster-boy

monster-girl

sun-heart

thisisthesun-filledsky.

thesearethesingingblackbirds.

thesearetheemptypews.

thisisthecrackedpiano.

thisisthechokingchoir.

thesearethewitheredroses.

thisismylittleblackdress.

thesearemytear-drycheeks.

thisismyredlipstickgrin.

thisisyoursilenteulogy.

thisisyourword-wrappedcoffin.

&this—

thisishow

iwillfinallyburyyou.

-it’smuchtoolatetorepent,sweetheart.

ohyes,iknowwhatyou’rethinking,butthepoemsyoufindinthisbookwon’timmortalizeyou.thesepoemsarethemeansbywhichyouwillfinallybecomedeadtome—lickedcleanfrommyinsideslike the last dollop of honey at the very bottom of the pot.everyonewillfinallylearnwhatyoudidtomeallthoseyearsago,butnoneofthemwilleverbeabletoscrapethebittertasteyournameleavesonmytongue...nowwillthey, ?

-thisisyourunmarkedgrave.

i’mconvincedibecometransfixedathousandtimesinanygivenday—

bysmiles,bywords,bysongs,bysmells,byflowers,bycrystals,byraindrops,bycoffeemugs,

&evenbythethingsthatbite.

-myfatalflaw.

littlelovesickme

watchedtuckeverlastingon

amerry-go-roundloop

&icouldnevergetpastthe‘why’—

whywhywhywhywhywhy

didwinnierefusetodrink

fromtheeternalspring

thatwouldallowher

togoonendlessadventures

alongsideherbelovedjesse?

itwouldhavebeen

justthemagainstthis

awful

mortalworld

untiltheday

theearthcaughtfire,

&whatelse

istheretolivefor

besidesyour

onetruelove?

-&nowiwouldtellher,“everything.”

before i met you, my darling monster-boy, i was with that shygreen-eyedboy.incaseyouforgot,hewastheonewhotraveledso fleetingly betweenme & the girl wearing the lemon sundressthat i forgot he was even there most days. oh, i’m sure youremember.hewastheonewhostoppedbyeverynight&openedmycloset—careful soasnot tomakea sound—sohecould tuckaway his knapsack filled with secrets, utterly convinced thatshieldingmewasthesameasprotectingme.

-youneverthoughtineededprotectionfromyourlies.

thatgreen-eyedboy

mayhaveleftmefordead

whenhewalkedaway

withonehandinhers,

butitwasn’tlong

beforeyoustopped

&offeredme

ahanddripp

iwithnresurrection.g

-didieverevenhaveachoice?

hetoldmeiwasanobligation

likegroceryshoppingonanemptystomach,

butyoutoldmeiwasasvital

asthatafter-dinnercigarette

youcouldneverhavejustoneof.

-thedifferencebetween.

i’mnotsureifthismakesanysense,butyoumakemeforgetwhatitfeelsliketomisssomeoneiwasneverallowedtocallmine.

-areyoumyantidoteormypoison?

theboywhoisn’tsureaboutanythingissureaboutme.

-weakattheknees.

(whenasad,sadgirlwithamangled-upheartcomesfacetofacewithabeautifulboywholovesnothingmorethanmanglinghearts,istherereallyanywayitcanendotherthaninbloodshed?)

-thisstorymaybecliché,butit’sours.

you’retheone

whosings

intongues

ofno-starnightmares.

-weneverdidinhabitthesamesky.

i’mtheone

whosoothes

inwaves

oflapis-cloudlullabies.

-weneverdidinhabitthesameskyII.

we’resowrappedup ineachother thatwebegin tomissmeals.we can’t sleep for more than a few hours at a time. we forgeteverything thatmakesusache in theworstways.we’resoafraidthiswillallslipfromourfingerslikeahazeofbarely-theresmoke,sowemakeakindofgameoutofit.

“wanttoplay?”youaskme.

before i can answer, you explain the rules like this: “you’ll bleedyourselfdryformeonequestionatatime—nopassing.i’lllickyourwounds&thenyou’lldothesameforme.righthere,rightnow.”

“whogoesfirst?”iask.nohesitation.

-thetruthwithoutthedare.

ifyoustarttokeepscore,canyoustillcallitlove?

-signs.

fallinginlovewithyou

waslikethat

knowing,heart-stopping,airless,upside-down

momentrightbefore

afatalcollision.

-braceforimpact.

mightaswellsay“bye-bye”becausethisgirlrighthereisafuckinggoner.

-withyouthereisnofakingit.

“i’vegot to tellyou—thatsleep-coatedvoicemight just sendmetomygrave.”

-thisboy,he’llbethedeathofme.

youhadyearsonme

&iwantedtodrag

myteethacross

thesurfaceofeveryone

ofthem.

-red&wolf.

youhadyearsonme&iwastooyoungtorealizeyouweretheonewhoshouldhaveknownbetter.

-red&wolfII.

myboy—

hedoesn’tsparkle.myboy—

hedoesn’tdazzle.myboy—

hedoesn’tshine.when

hekissesmeicantaste

allthemidnightshedoesn’t

eventrytohide.

-mymonster-boy.

he’ssomethingoutofabedtimestory,

but

ihaveyettodecideifhe’sthechivalrousmancometorescueme

or

theravenousmonstercometodevourme&leavemescreaminginthedark.

-idon’tthinki’dmindeitherone.

we lay there in comfortable silence for several lifetimes &reincarnationsbeforeyou finallybreak it. “howvery special it is,”youremark,twirlingalockofmyhairaroundyourfinger,“thatyouhadeveryreasontolock,bolt,&paintyourdoorshut,butyoustillhadenoughspaceinthattrustingheartofyourstoleaveitajar&bravethecoldairforme.”

&ithought,trusting?ornaïve?

-theinvitation.

irestmyheadontopofyourchest&thesonginsidesoundslikethesoundtracktomysalvation.

-ineverdidhaveanearformusic.

over&overhewouldtellmethatiwasthehoneytohistea—theonly thing that could ever sweeten him to his liking. somewherealong theway,he forgot tomention the swarmsof flies&waspsthat would eventually come to cover everything we madetogether.thespoilageofallthismisguidedlonging.

-infestation.

whendaybreaks,hermonstertellsherhelovesher,

notme.

whennightfalls,mymonstertellsmehelovesme,

nother.

ihavetroublebelievingthemonsterloveseitherof

us.

-god,doieverlearn?

istillcan’tdecideifwemanagedtomeetatallthewrongtimes,orifwejustweren’tmeanttomeetatall.

-forsomeonewhodoesn’tbelieveinfate,isuredowriteaboutitalot.

theonlywayicanrememberwhathappenedisifisitdown&praytothepaper&hopethepenisabeliever.

-tomakeupforthefactthati’mnot.

evenluciferhimselfworeapairofwingsonhisshoulderblades,butremember, dear one—itwasn’t long before he let the straps slipdown & everyone found out he was never who he was alwayspretendingtobe.

-foolmeonce,twice,thrice.

“doyouthinksheknowsaboutus?”iask.

“‘us.’ifuckinglovethesoundofthat.”

-youalwaysdidcravethetasteofyourownlies.

thisloveleavesbloodstainsonmyonce-white

linens.

-indisputableevidence.

i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.

i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.i’msofuckingsorry.

-whatshestilldeservestohear.

maybeididn’tknow

whatreallovewas

beforeyouwalkedin,

butwhatididknowisthat

it’snotsupposedto

feellikei’mwakingup

chokingonpieces

ofmybashed-inteeth.

-right?

maybei’msuchanightowl

becauseofallthosemorningsyouwokeup&magicallydecidedyou

-nolongerwantedme.

onthedaysyoudecidedyou

werestillinthiswithme,

ancienttreesleanedintomytouch;

will-o’-the-wispsswarmedaroundme;

butterfliesmadenestsinmyhair;

fallingstarstangledinmyeyelashes;

nectaroozedfrommyfingertips;

&evenoceansfearedthemultitudesinme.

-moonmadeupofhoney.

pullouteverypoem

i’veeverwritten

aboutyou

&they’llall

havethesame

underlyingmessage

writtenathousand

differentways:

iwasneverever

supposedtocraveyou

thewayidid,

butidid.

-hunger.

soon

“ididn’tmeanit.”

turnedinto

“inevermeanit.”

-itstartsinthetendermoments.

theapologiescamesofrequentlyitwasexhaustingforbothofus&eventuallyyoudidn’tbotherofferingoneatall.

-numb.

on the off-chance someone ever asked me to describe youwithoutactuallydescribingyou, iwouldsayyouarethebruises&teethmarksifindallovermybodywithoutrememberinghowtheygotthereinthefirstplace.

-thisisn’tahaunting;it’sahunting.

theysayifyouplace

afroginagradually

boilingpotofwater,

they’llbecomesoaccustomed

tothefamiliarsting

thatthey’lllaydown

theirwholelifeforit.

iwasthatfrog,

exceptididn’tneed

tobeconvinced

togetintothatpot.

iwassodesperate

for

awarmplace

tostay&curlupin

thatitooktheleap

insidewithno

convincingfromyou.

-thecycle.

hesaystome,“darling,iflovingyouissuchasinthenit’sprobablyagoodthingthatgodforgivessinnerslikeme.”

-noabsolutionforme.

ican’ttellthedifferencebetweenyou&thedeadofwinter.

-atleastwintermakeswayforspring.

“whydon’tyouleavehim?”theyaskme.

-thequestion.

“whydon’tyouleavehim?”iaskmyself.

-thequestionII.

ican’tdecidewhoitisi’mmorefrightenedof—you,orthepersoni’ve letmyself become since knowing you. that little girl used towake upat dawnbecause she saweachday as an adventureawaiting her? the little girl who used to chase invisible faeriesaround thegardenwith her grass-stained feet? the little girlwhosaw magic in mundane things like mismatched teaspoons &brokenclocks?

she’ssofargone,idon’tthinkshe’lleverbeabletoclawherwaybacktome.

-monster-girl.

themonstermadehimselfanothermonsterbecausehecouldn’tstandbeingamonsterallbyhimself.

-&yetthatweightgrowsheavierstill.

quick!—

huntdownallthemirrors.

quick!—

spider-webthemwithyourfists.

quick!—

erasealltracesofher.

ifallelsefails,

i’llchewuptheremainingshards.

(i’veswallowedmuch

sharperwordsthanthis.)

icannolonger

stomachthebeaststaringbackatme

&iwoulddo

justaboutanythingtomakeherdisappear.

-themostunlovablegirlofall.

ifyou’relookingforyourperfectvictim,thenyoumightaswellsetdown your lanterns. youwon’t be able to find her here. i’m thefairytaleeveryoneforgotaboutbecausethelessonwasn’tpureorhopeful enough. in this one, there are plenty of times when redbecomes a little bit wolf after the beast comes for her with hissnappingjawtoohard,toooften.

-idon’texcuseher&youshouldn’teither.

everywordthatsuicide-jumpsfromyourlipssoundsunmistakablylikeasynonymfor“farewell.”

-couldn’tyouatleasttrytohideit?

duringthebreakup,iattendedatotaloffivefunerals.thewholetime,nooneknewaboutallthefuneralsiwashavingforyouwitheachstepof

myblood-redstilettos.

-ineverknewyoucouldgrieveabreathingman.

whenlovewantstodie,allithastodoiscomeinsearchofme.

-nothingbutacoffininmyribcage.

youremindmeofthewayflowersbloomsofuriouslyinthespring,like the loudest fuckingdeclarationof survival you’ll everwitness.as if to say, “i’mback. i’mhere. i’malive. iwon’twastea singleseconddwellingonwhat it’s liketobeanywhereelse.”although,youalsoremindmeofthewayflowersalways—withoutfail—witherwheretheystand&slowlybutsurelyreturntotheearth,particlebyparticle,backtothehometheykeepmostoftheyear.

-wheretheyknowtheytrulybelongedallalong.

tellme—areyoubreakingherlikeyoubrokeme,oramijustthatspecial?

-playingfavorites.

canyouexplaintomewhymyarmshaveturnedsocoldwhentheyneverevengotthechancetoholdyou?

becauseican’t.

-nothingmakessensewithorwithoutyou.

whatyouneedtoknowaboutthemonster:whentheythreatentodisappear without a trace, they never really do. pay closeattention next time & notice how they always leave the doorcracked open a little behind them in fear that you won’t invitetheminthenexttimethey’refeelinginsecure&lonely&starvedforsomethingmoreloyalthanthey’veeverbeen.

-myopendoor.

hemayhavegone,buti’mstillfindinghisfingerprintsoneverysurfaceofme.

-intruder.

hesayshe’sdonewithme.heactuallymeansitthistime.

-twosentencehorrorstory.

truthwithoutthedare?

everycell inmybodycriesthat iwon’tbeabletobringmyselftoshowanyoneelsealltheset-instainsonmysoul,likeatourthroughthemuseumofhowfuckedup iam.mygod, i just realizedyou’llbeoneofthetourstopsnow.howthehellamisupposedtocopewiththat?it’struewhatyou’vealwaystoldme—noonecouldeverwantthisnaturaldisasterofagirlontheirhands.

-nooneexceptforyou.

i’m the kindof love-exhausteda thousandyearsof sleeping inaglassboxburiedsixfeetundercouldn’tcure.

-thesnowwhitetaleyoudidn’thear.

iwishicouldsay

ihavefinallyerased

allthepained“iloveyou”s

&allthedesperate“ineedyou”s

whisperedoverstatic-heavyphonelines.

tryasimay,ican’tdothat.

ionlywishicouldletgoofyour

venom-dippedwords&neck-brokenpromises,

butthesearethekindsofmemories

thatweremadefortheoneslikeme

wholovesittinginemptyparkinglots

&weepingopenlyunderthestreetlamps

sowewon’thavetoapply

antisepticlater.

-theafterus.

mybodydidn’twant to knowwhat itwas like to survivewithoutyou.forayearafter,iwatchedthatdisappearingactofagirlfromthe corner ofmy bedroom ceiling, where she couldn’t hearmescreamingthatsheneededtostopdeprivingherselfofthethingssheneededthemost.tostopwiththenumbers,withthecounting.eventheniknewhowfuckedupitwas,butistartedtofeelhappywhen all the parts of me that were still in love with you weredrippinglikenectarfrommybones.

-iamstillrebuilding.

therewasnocomfort

tobefoundin

thepages

thatoncepulledme

throughitall.

-youtookthingsididn’tknowyoucouldtake.

howcanyouexpectmetobefriendswithyou

whentheinsideofmymouthiscrustedoverwithscabs

fromtheeffortittakesnottosaythosethreewords

youneverwanttohearfrommeagain?

-“iloveyou”/“ihateyou”.

i’mthemistakeheapologizesforonlytokeep

makingit.makingit.makingit.makingit.makingit.makingit.

-itseemsyouneverlearn,either.

imaynot holdmuch faith ingod (you know i never really have,whichalwaysbotheredyou),buttheverythoughtofyoulurkinginthenearbyshadowshasmefillingupallmyperfumebottleswithholywater.

-father,exorciseme.

either

takeeverythingihave

ordropitall&walkaway.

botharenolonger

anoptioni’mallowing.

yousee,it’snotexactly

inthisgirl’snature

tobetorn

in

two.

-indecision.

in the autumn, the monster ripped his way through my bosom,twistedmy heart until it became a deadened thing, & buried itsomewhere in the leaf-litteredwood. he left nomarker, no signsleadingback to it.when iaskedhimwhyhedid this,he toldmethathewasfinishedwithitfornow&hedidn’twantanyoneelsetofinditinthemeantime.

-theending.

in the spring, the thawing began. with a hand clutched to mychest, i stumbled down that overgrown path, dug through thesoftened dirt, & took that beatless thing back into my hands. ileanedin&whisperedtoit,“pleasedon’tgiveup.notyet.there’sstill someoneyoushouldbebeatingfor—me.”somewhere inthatdarkness,thefaintestsparkleoflightbloomed.

-thebeginning.

icrawlistandistumbleout

ofyourshadow-burstinglair

&withthelittleihaveleft,

istretchmyarmswideopen&

ispinspinspinspin

meanwhile,thegracioussunmumblesbetween

eachkisstomyscarredback,

“darling,youareworthy.”“darling,youareworthy.”

“darling,youareworthy.”“darling,youareworthy.”

tomysurprise,noneofitburns.

-darling,iamworthy.

once my eyes adjusted to the brightness—that’s when i firstnoticedhim.ashovel inonehand,amud-splatteredheart intheother. i waved, offering a small, hopeful grin in his direction. acautious smile grew in return. i so desperately wanted to say tohim,youcandothis,youknow.youcancomebackfromwhatever

it is that they did to you, but i knew he already knew that. hedidn’t needany reassurances fromme, just as i didn’t needanyfromhim.butifnothingelse,thereissomuchcomforttobefoundinknowingthatwearen’ttheonlyoneswhofeel likethefreezingseasonwillneverrelent.

-thesun-heart.

“butmyheart—idon’t know if it can loveagain just yet,” iwarnhim.

“let your heart take its time,” he replies, his voice surer thananyi’veheardbefore.“asitsohappens,mineneedsarest,too.we’rebothhere,anyway—wecantakethemboth&lockthemawayinaboxsotheycanfigurethingsouttogether.”

-closedforrepairs.

ineverwantedtofallforhim,&so,

inmyusualfashion,

idid

-hopeless&romantic.

hisnamerestsinsidemythroatlikeiwasborntryingtosayit.

-thekindofinevitableidon’tdread.

mynewlove—he’sgotagreenthumb.

whereyouneglectedme

&lettheweedsovertake,

he’salwayssoverynurturing.

&you’llneverguesswhat—

hemadefordamnsure

herepottedmewhereicould

stretchtowardsthelight

&finallyoutgrowyou.

-mynewloveisheretoruinyourday.

wheniwasfinallyfeelingbraveenough,itoldyou,“ican’tdothiswithyouanymore. if you’renevergoing to leaveme, then this isme leaving you. there’s someone else seeping in through thefractures you left, & i swear he’s themost honest thing i’ve everknown.he’snotshadow-touchedlikeiam,likeweare.it’slikethesunherselfradiatesfromhisfreckles.”

“you don’t deserve him,” you replied. “& don’t try to convinceyourselfthatyoueverwill.”

-oneofthefewthingsweagreedon.

“thatgirlismine,”themonster-boygrowled.

“that’swhereyou’rewrong.thatgirlbelongstothecoffeeshops&the bookstores & the treetops—but mostly she just belongs toherself,”hesaid,unafraid.

-thankyou.

thekingofgames,hecalledhimself.

-unlikeyou,henevertriedtobethekingofme.

theywillmakeyouthinkeverypersonyoumeetiswearingamasktohidetheirfangs.

-&theywillbewrong.

&yet...

howamisupposedtobelieve

he’snotjustwastingtimewithme

whilehewaitsforagirlwhodoesn’t

havetoreachthroughthedark

tokeepmakingsuretheotherside

ofthesheetisn’tturningcold?

-trustissues.

“you’llleave,”icried.

“onlyifi’mwithyou,”hecriedback.

-guessiwasgoodenoughafterall.

hetoldmeheneverlearnedhowtoswim;itoldhimitwasokaybecauseidid.

-iwillcarryhimacrosstreacherousseas.

catchmeinbedplayingwithmatches

surroundedbytheletters

ineversentmymonster-boy.

catchmelighting

blowingoutlighting

blowingout

theflames

nexttothesleepingsun-heart

whositsuptoeatthefirewithme

&letsthelettersremainunharmed

withouthavingtobeasked.

-ourquietunderstanding.

i’vecometorealizethat

iamalwayslearning.

rightnow,iamlearning

hownottoseetheimage

ofyourfacecomingthroughhis

&that’sokay.

iknowyou’resomewhere

doingthesame,albeitfor

verydifferentreasons.

-myfear/yourregret.

moonsafteritended,youstillsnuckuptomymailboxtodeliverbundlesofletters—

halflovenotes,halfhatenotes.

whenyoufoundsomeonenew,allyourletterscamebacktoyoumarked[returntosender].

-findanewpartnerincrime.

someoneiusedtoknow

toldmethatlovewasforever

&ifyoueverfeelitwaning,

thenitwasnevertrulythere.

butyou’rethesolid,

tangibleproofthattheywere

deadfuckingwrong.

-thisgirlhaslearnedtolovewithconditions.

didn’tanyoneeverwarnyounottotrytotrickagirlwhoreads?

she’salreadyseeneverything.

-don’ttrytowasteyourtimeagain.

iwouldbelyingifieversaidyouservednogreaterpurposeinthebookofmylife.thereisatleastonegooddeedthaticanattributetoyou. itwasonlyafteryou leftmestranded& i foundmyselfstillbreathingthatiknewicouldwithstandeverythingthatcameafteryou—eventhe tempest that rattled thehingesonall thedoors&blewall the shutters off& split every treearoundme in half. shewasnothingincomparisontoyou.

-strongerthanallthestorms.

i already know i shouldn’t be writing these poems about youanymore.ifit’sanyconsolation,they’remoreaboutmethantheyareaboutyou(inotherwords:it’snotyou,it’sme).theonlyreasoni’m lettingmyselfwrite themnow is so ican finallywriteaboutalltheworthwhilethingsthatdisappearedwhenyousentthemofftosail the foggy, forbiddensea.despite thebestofyourefforts, theship found its way back to me & i’ve realized there is so muchmoretomyexistencethanthememoryofamanwhowouldlovetoseemedrowninsearchofhappinesswithouthim.

-theletterineversent.

you’re married now, but not to the first girl. not to me. no, youended upmarrying a completely different girl. that seems like itshould be the punch line to a really, really bad joke aftereverythingyouputusthrough.aftereverythingicontributedto.

yes,icanadmitmyfaultnow.imighthavebeenyoung,butiwasnowhere near blameless in theend of our dream. you’re not atfaultforanythingisaidordid—onlyiam.

thefirsttimeiheardthenews,iexpectedtears.iexpectedacrysoloud that it would land upon stars in other galaxies. in otheruniverses. in other dimensions. at the very least, i expected avodka-neat scorch to rip throughmybody.but youknowwhat?thatdidn’thappen.theworlddidnotstopmid-spin,nordiditloseapigmentof itscolor. the sunneverbecameeclipsedby thealltooself-importantmoon.

i imagine going back in time to tell my younger self about thismoment—theonewhereifinallyrealizethatmylifetrulydidgoonwithout you wreaking havoc inside of its walls. i try so hard toimagineit,but iknowshewouldn’tbelieveasingleuselesswordisaid.

yet here i am. i stand before you thewomanwhomanaged tobecomeeverythingyousaidshecouldneveronedaybe. in theyears sinceyou’vebeengone, i’vemanagedto find loveagain;moreimportantly,i’vemanagedtofindmyselfagain.nowi’mtheonewhotakesallourmistakes&sellsthemtostrangers.

-theletterineversentII.

justlikeinthemovies,wequiteliterallybumpintoeachotheratthebookstoreoneafternoon.i’mnotsurewhatkindofbooksyouliketo readanymore—probably something like stephen king—but alltheonestuckedinyourarmsgotumblingtotheground&mixwithmygillianflynn.idon’tevensensethemfalling.i’mtoomystifiedbythesightofyoutobenddown&helpyoupickthembackup.

“whydon’twegrabsomecoffee&catchup?”youask.sowedo.youtellmestoriesaboutyourchildren&itrytosmilepolitelyatthecorrecttimes.youavoidmentioningyourwife&iavoidmentioningmy spouse,which is probablybest for both of us. i try to tell youabout my writing & you can’t hide the red draining from yourcheeks, so you findaway tochange the subject. no, youdon’twanttohearaboutallthehollywoodmonstersiturnedyouintotomakepeopleunderstand.

there is no slowblast of fireworks. therearenoheartstrings finallycoming to relax underneath the table between us. there is nomagicalmomentoflostlovefound.insidethismoment,wearenotallie&noah.no,inthismomentiamallie&youarelon.ormaybeyouarenoah&i’mmartha.ican’tbecertain.

what there is, however, is a sort of silent understanding. in adifferentlife,wecouldhavebeenholdinghandsacrossthistable,discussing ordinary things like grocery lists & who will pick whichchild up from what at which time, but in the life we currentlyoccupy,we’retwoalmost-strangersstrugglingaswetrynottolookateachother toocloselywhilewepick the splinteredapologiesoutfromthecrampedspacebetweenourteeth.

inthislife,youwanttotellme,“i’msorryididn’tknowhowtostopthepretending.”

in this life, i want to tell you, “it’s all right. i’m sorry i let you staydespitethepretending.”

(noneofthiseverhappened.)

-theletterineversentIII.

icannolonger

rememberhowwarmyour

nicotinelaughfelt

whenitslidthrough

me.

-howtoknowwhenit’sreallyover.

iamnolongerallowedtoknowwhoyouare,yetisleepsoundly.

-howtoknowwhenit’sreallyoverII.

intheactofputtingyoubeforemyself,isuccessfullyspatonthegravedirtofeverywomanwhoseskiniworebeforewakingupinsidethisone.

-theydidn’tdeservethis.

-whatihaveleftforyou.

ifmypoetryclassestaughtme

anythingaboutthislife,it’sthat

youwerethetedhughestomysylviaplath

&nowhe’stherobertbrowningtomyelizabethbarrett.

-hedropkickedmyheartbacktolife.

lovedoesnotneedtobetragicinorderforittobegood.thetruthisthatiwouldmuchratherstirtothefeelingofhislipsmeetingmyforeheadat5:30a.m.everymorningforthenexteightyoddyearsthan settle for living an eternity alongside someone who can’tevenbesurewherehelefthispromisesthenightbefore.

-fuckthosefairytales.

sometimesthepersontheyswearthey’llneverturnintoisthepersonwho’salwaysbeenstandingbeforeyou.

-theperfectlywovenlie.

youcannotmaketheoneswiththewanderlusteyespauseinoneplace—notevenifthatplacehasyournameetchedalloverit.

-maps&eXes.

don’teverdoubtthatyouwillrisefromtheruinsofallthepeoplewhowantedpowertogrowintheirpalmsforallthewrongreasons.

-thisisn’ttheendyet.

there’snosuchthingasdeservingabuse.

-letmeget“controversial”foramoment.

whoismorethansomekindofthrowawaybackupplan?

-you,you,you.

youcan’tsettle

forasingle,

always-retreatingwave

whenyoudeserve

alltheoceans

&notjust

thecloudyreflection

ofthemintheskies.

-thesun?shetoldmeyouareworthy.

don’ttrust

anyonewithacrosshanging

fromtheirneck&

hateburiedinsidetheirchest.

-takeitfromme.

sometimesnoclosuretellsusmorethantheclosureevercould.

-somepeoplewereneverworthyourwords.

you’reallowedtogiveyourselfpermissiontofallharderthanthewinedoesintothebottomofyourglass,butmakesureyoudoitwhileknowingthere’snooneyoushouldtrustmorethanyoutrust

yourself.

-gutfeelingsareasurvivaltactic.

therewillbeinstances

whereyouare

thetoxicone—

whereyouwillneedto

stepback,apologize,&reflect.

iknow;i’vebeentheone.

butevenstill,

thatfactdoesn’t

excusetheirabuse.

-falseequivalences.

iwon’tletyoushutmeinsideaninescapableyellowroom.iwon’tletyouforcemetobecomethekeeperofasecretjournalhiddenunderneathathinmattress. iwon’t letyoutelleveryonei’mjustahysterical woman who clung to every word you said & warpedthem to convince people to join her in a manhunt. this storydoesn’tendwithmy silence. this storyendswith theyellofeveryvictim who’s ever felt hands come behind them to cover theirmouthjustasthetruthstartedtoleakout.

-come,takebackyourhatred.

youbetterhaveyourstakesinhandwhenthebeautifulmonsterswithfangs&clawscomerunningtowardsyou.

-we’reinthistogether.

thiswasthesun-filledsky.

thesewerethesingingblackbirds.

theseweretheemptypews.

thiswasthecrackedpiano.

thiswasthechokingchoir.

thesewerethewitheredroses.

thiswasmylittleblackdress.

theseweremytear-drycheeks.

thiswasmyredlipstickgrin.

thiswasyoursilenteulogy.

thiswasyourword-wrappedcoffin.

&this—

thiswashow

itookmyselfback.

-likeitornot.

acknowledgmentsfirst,iwanttothanktheenormouslytalentedillustratorofthisbook,munisesertel.thisstorywouldn’thavebeencompletewithoutyourbeautifulmarkon it. from theverybeginningyouunderstoodmyvision & helpedmake this book the very best possible version ofitself,&forthatiwillalwaysbegrateful.

asalways,iwanttothankmyspouse,cyrusparker,whohappenstobe the sun-heartwhoappears in the last sectionof thisbook.thankyouforconvincingmetoresurrectthechapbookthisbookwas eventually birthed from, even when i didn’t think it waspossible—ESPECIALLYbecauseididn’tthinkitwaspossible.youarewhatgivesmethemotivationtodomostthingsinthislife.<3

thisbookwouldn’thaveseenthelightofdaywithoutchristineday.infact,noneofmybookswould.thereisn’tapieceofwritingthatgoesoutintotheworldwithoutyouseeingitfirst.itrustyouwithmylife, & more important, my words. i would be lost without yourguidance,mywritingcheerleader,&mybestfriend.

mybetareadersare incredibly importanttothereadabilityofmybooks.mydeepestappreciationtoeveryoneelsewhohelpedmepush this story in the right direction:mira kennedy, tristamateer,

sophiaelainehanson,&alexandrina.itwasanhonortoworkwithyouonthisficklemonsterofabook.

aaronkent,thankyouforwritingthepoemthatinspiredmypiecetitled“ourquietunderstanding,”onpage100. thiswasn’t the firsttime you inspired a piece that went into one of my books, & itprobablywon’tbethelast!(thefirstversionofthispoemoriginallyappeared on aaron’s website, poetic interviews. you can visitpoeticinterviews.wordpress.comtoreadthatpoem&more.)

to my dad, my stepmom, & my sisters for their outpouring of

supportwhenitcomestomywriterlyendeavors.icouldn’tdoanyof thiswithout knowingyouwereallonmy side.pleasehearmewhenisay:thankyou.thankyou.thankyou.thankyou.thankyou.thankyou.thankyou.thankyou.thankyou.

a special thank you to a few people whose enthusiasm for myworkkeepsmeblooming:danikastone,gretchengomez,nikitagill,lang leav, caitlyn siehl, iain s. thomas, k.y. robinson, shauna

sinyard,summerwebb,&oliviapaez. i’mmost likelyforgettingsomanyofyou,but just know i’mgrateful foryou, if you’re readingthis.

thankyoutothebooksellingteamatthebarnes&nobleinholmdel,

new jersey, for treating my books as if they were their ownchildren. in fact,amassive thankyouto thecompany ingeneralfortreatingmybookwithsuchlove&kindness—bothonline&off.

tomyeditor,pattyrice.tomymarketingmanager,hollystayton.totherestofmyfamilyatandrewsmcmeelpublishing.thankyouforlovingmywork.thankyoufortrustingme.aboveall,thankyouallsoincrediblymuchforgivingme&mybooksahomewhereiknowwewillbekeptsafe&sound.

&finally...thankyou,dearreaders,fortakingthetimetoreadmywords. for every photo. for every drawing. for every poem. forevery comment. for every message. for every email. for everyletter.just—thankyou.yourveryexistencegivesmecomfort.

abouttheauthorgrowing up a word-devourer & avid fairy tale lover, it was onlynaturalthatamandalovelacebeganwritingbooksofherown,&so she did. when she isn’t reading or writing, she can be foundwaiting for pumpkin spice coffee to come back into season &binge-watching gilmore girls. (before you ask: team jess all theway.) the lifelongpoetess&storytellercurrently lives innew jerseywithherspouse,theirbunnycat,&acombinedbookcollectionsolarge it will soon need its own home. she has her BA in englishliteraturewithaminor in sociology. her first poetrycollection, theprincess saves herself in this one, won the goodreads choiceaward for best poetry of 2016 & is a usa today and publishersweeklybestseller.

index&nowiwouldtellher,“everything.”

&theywillbewrong.

&yetthatweightgrowsheavierstill.

areyoumyantidoteormypoison?

atleastwintermakeswayforspring.

braceforimpact.

closedforrepairs.

come,takebackyourhatred.

couldn’tyouatleasttrytohideit?

darling,iamworthy.

didieverevenhaveachoice?

don’ttrytowasteyourtimeagain.

falseequivalences.

father,exorciseme.

findanewpartnerincrime.

foolmeonce,twice,thrice.

forsomeonewhodoesn’tbelieveinfate,isuredowriteaboutitalot.

fuckthosefairytales.

god,doieverlearn?

guessiwasgoodenoughafterall.

gutfeelingsareasurvivaltactic.

hedropkickedmyheartbacktolife.

hopeless&romantic.

howtoknowwhenit’sreallyover.

howtoknowwhenit’sreallyoverII.

hunger.

iamstillrebuilding.

idon’texcuseher&youshouldn’teither.

idon’tthinki’dmindeitherone.

“iloveyou”/“ihateyou”.

indecision.

indisputableevidence.

ineverdidhaveanearformusic.

ineverknewyoucouldgrieveabreathingman.

infestation.

intruder.

itseemsyouneverlearn,either.

it’smuchtoolatetorepent,sweetheart.

itstartsinthetendermoments.

iwillcarryhimacrosstreacherousseas.

letmeget“controversial”foramoment.

likeitornot.

maps&eXes.

monster-girl.

moonmadeupofhoney.

myfatalflaw.

myfear/yourregret.

mymonster-boy.

mynewloveisheretoruinyourday.

myopendoor.

noabsolutionforme.

nolongerwantedme.

nooneexceptforyou.

nothingbutacoffininmyribcage.

nothingmakessensewithorwithoutyou.

numb.

oneofthefewthingsweagreedon.

ourquietunderstanding.

playingfavorites.

red&wolf.

red&wolfII.

right?

signs.

somepeoplewereneverworthyourwords.

strongerthanallthestorms.

takeitfromme.

thankyou.

theafterus.

thebeginning.

thecycle.

thedifferencebetween.

theending.

theinvitation.

thekindofinevitableidon’tdread.

theletterineversent.

theletterineversentII.

theletterineversentIII.

themostunlovablegirlofall.

theperfectlywovenlie.

thequestion.

thequestionII.

thesnowwhitetaleyoudidn’thear.

thesun-heart.

thesun?shetoldmeyouareworthy.

thetruthwithoutthedare.

theydidn’tdeservethis.

thisboy,he’llbethedeathofme.

thisgirlhaslearnedtolovewithconditions.

thisisn’tahaunting;it’sahunting.

thisisn’ttheendyet.

thisisyourunmarkedgrave.

thisstorymaybecliché,butit’sours.

tomakeupforthefactthati’mnot.

trustissues.

twosentencehorrorstory.

unlikeyou,henevertriedtobethekingofme.

weakattheknees.

weneverdidinhabitthesamesky.

weneverdidinhabitthesameskyII.

we’reinthistogether.

whatihaveleftforyou.

whatshestilldeservestohear.

wheretheyknowtheytrulybelongedallalong.

withyouthereisnofakingit.

youalwaysdidcravethetasteofyourownlies.

youneverthoughtineededprotectionfromyourlies.

youtookthingsididn’tknowyoucouldtake.

you,you,you.

tomakemonstersoutofgirlscopyright©2018byAmandaLovelace.Allrightsreserved.Nopartofthisbookmaybeusedorreproducedinanymannerwhatsoeverwithoutwrittenpermissionexceptinthecaseofreprintsinthecontextofreviews.

AndrewsMcMeelPublishingadivisionofAndrewsMcMeelUniversal

1130WalnutStreet,KansasCity,Missouri64106

www.andrewsmcmeel.com

ISBN:978-1-4494-9867-2LibraryofCongressControlNumber:2018941272

IllustrationsbyMuniseSertel

Editor:PattyRiceDesigner/ArtDirector:JulieBarnesProductionEditor:DaveShaw

ProductionManager:CliffKoehlerEbookDeveloper:KristenMinter

ATTENTION:SCHOOLSANDBUSINESSESAndrewsMcMeelbooksareavailableatquantitydiscountswithbulkpurchaseforeducational,business,orsalespromotionaluse.Forinformation,pleasee-mailthe

AndrewsMcMeelPublishingSpecialSalesDepartment:specialsales@amuniversal.com.