ARE YOU A LOSER MAGNET? Date Smart Chapter 1. Broken picker A person whom chooses to interact with a...

ARE YOU A LOSER MAGNET?

Date Smart Chapter 1

Broken picker

A person whom chooses to interact with a person that has whom has lots of visible issues (ie. drug abuse, poor grades, financial problems)

Revolving Door Relationships

Going in and out and in and out and in and out of unhealthy relationships without understanding why

Burned Bridge

Return to a bad relationship despite the fact that it ended painfully the first time.

For the wrong reasons like financial security, loneliness, jealousy, children, anger

“This time it will be different.”

Browser

Terminates in three weeks or less

Suffocater

Smother you, hound you , demand all your time, craved your attention, shower you with gifts and show you off

The Desert

The relationship that showed a little life at the beginning that has continued on it’s life less path.

Love

Sincere concern for a person’s spiritual, physical, and emotional needs.

Starts with loving yourself before you can love another.

Ways to be Abused

Emotionally – love or attention has been withheld

Verbally – yelling at or threatening.Spiritually – beliefs ridiculed, forced or

preventedPhysically – beaten, sexually abused, slapped,

shaken, raped.

Abuse can eventually make you feel that having SOMEONE, even someone ABUSIVE, is better than having no one at all.

Internal Abuse

Beating yourself up (isolating ourselves, abuse or depend on chemicals, mutilate ourselves, develop eating disorders , become workaholics and deprive ourselvess of sleep

Set-up

These people take perfectly healthy relationships and sabotage them by not returning phone calls, being emotionally unavailable and arriving excessively late for dates.

WOULD YOU, COULD YOU, SHOULD YOU DATE…………….

YOU?

Date Smart Chapter 2

Reasons for Dating

Look at cards (ie. hidden agendas, trophy hunting, boredom, breaking ties with family of origin and starting a new one, resolve issues, back up plan for failing relationship, for recognition, fear, test drive, convenience, personal enjoyment, cheap “therapist”)

Motive Behind Date Choices

Resolve childhood issues with parent or caregiverUnload baggageDating someone is better than being alone.External Reasons (money, power, position,

revenge)Physical chemistryIndividual persistenceBased on matching belief system Opposite of last failed relationshipJust like you

Excuses Not To Date

Cannot find someone you want to date.Person I want is unavailable.Nobody wants me.Refuse to get hurt again.No time.No desire.Don’t know whom to trust.I don’t know how to ask or act when I ‘m

asked.

Broken Pickers

Look at cards (ie. Panhandler, Pinocchio, girdle, raging bull, joker, lay away, stepping stone, the project, couch potato, 100 yard dash)

Common Excuses to Avoid Dating

No one is attractive.The person I want is unavailable.Nobody wants me.I refuse to be hurt again.I ‘m broke.Too busyNo desire.I don’t know how to ask or act when I’m

asked

LET’S FIX WHAT’S BROKEN

Date Smart Chapter 3

Code Red Characteristics

Look at cards (ie. Drug abuse, unresolved childhood issues, power and control issues, jealousy, easily angered, low self-esteem, incapable of committing, manipulate, few close friends, blame others, deny problems)

How to Spot Liars in Action

Look at cards (avoids eye contact, appears nervous, over explain “truth”, change story, answer questions defensively, “selective hearing”, premediatated lying, laugh off deceptions as a joke,)

WHY YOUR RELATIONSHIPS ARE LIKE A REVOLVING

DOOR

Date Smart Chapter 4

20 Deadly Sins of Self-sabotage

See cards (ie. jealousy, mistrust, possession-obsession, compulsivity, repetition, rationalization, blaming, denial, being gullible, over reacting, anxiety prone, mis-prioitizing, suppression, revenge, instant gratification, distancing,)

Wounds and Scars

Scars #1 – Co-dependency

Individuals with this scar have any of the following behaviors: control, manipulation, guilt, denial, low-self-esteem confusion of identities, rationalization, additions, excessive mood swings, stress-related illnesses, inability to express needs,

Scar #2 – Disruptive Lineal Modeling

This scar covers: ddult children of alcoholics, blended families, multiple divorces, families suffering the consequences of various addictions, unwanted pregnancy, severe handicaps

“You are what you’ve experienced”

Scar #3 – Post-traumatic Personality Imprint

A combination of character flaws resulting from negative circumstance that alters your personality so much that it affects your dating. Confirmation Syndrome – always double checking Attachment Disorder – so many walls no intimacy

possible Separation Anxiety – fear of abandonment Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder - fear makes you

smothering

Scar #4 – Situational Sabotage

Two bases – self-destruction through control or choosing a negative path by rationalizing that the positives out weigh negatives

Types include – control freaks, financially insecure, baggage, office romance, bad boys/girls,

IT’S NOT ALL YOUR FAULT

Date Smart Chapter 5

Need vs. Want

Need – something that is necessary for survival (ie. basic food, clothing, shelter)

Want – things that enhance life but are not necessary (ie. maintaining a vegetarn diet)

Make a poster of five of your top needs and five of your top wants. Present the poster to the class and explain how these will influence you choice in a future partner.

Early Childhood Development

Birth To Three Years – very critical years. Three possible dysfunctional situations Emotional Pump is completely off – child is ignored by

caregiver. Emotional Pump is turned on excessively – parents

over parent child Emotional pump is off when it should be on and on

when it should be off – child needs aren’t met and lack freedom to explore.

Survival skills learned – don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel

Results in children

Family Hero – typically the firstborn child, overly responsible, try and take focus off parental dysfunction by succeeding

Scapegoat – often second born child, starved for attention so misbehave to get attention

Lost Child –usually third born, ignored, escape into music, art, computers or video games

Mascot – fourth-born or baby of family, strength is humor but push it to an unacceptable point

Billy is an introverted child whom excels at “Mind Craft”. He prefers to spend all his time in his room once he comes home from school. His parents work long hours and don’t bother him when they are home.

Possible Answers: a. Family Hero, b. Scapegoat, c. Lost Child , d. Mascot

Lost Child

Dan is in the top 3% of his class, is on the honor roll, and has a part time job. He helps pay many of the family bills with the income from his part time job. He has been excepted to his college of choice with a full ride scholarship.

Possible Answers: a. Family Hero, b. Scapegoat, c. Lost Child , d. Mascot

Family Hero

Lucy is the class clown. She has her phone out often and always is trying to get that attention of one of the boys in class. She is starved for attention. She has discovered that she can get negative attention easier than positive.

Possible Answers: a. Family Hero, b. Scapegoat, c. Lost Child , d. Mascot

Scapegoat

Becky is a real funny person. She reminds people of Larry the Cable Guy. Her jokes are mostly clean and non-offensive but sometimes she crosses the line.

Possible Answers: a. Family Hero, b. Scapegoat, c. Lost Child , d. Mascot

Mascot

Functional/Ideal

Pump’s on when it’s supposed to be on, off when it’s supposed to be off - child get’s what he or she needs and is give appropriate freedom

Age Three to Age Twelve

Dysfunctional child- they take and do what they want with no regard for consequences on others

Functional child – continues to flurish

Age Twelve to age Fourteen

Bonding with children of same sex.Children from unhealthy home environments

can work to overcome negative personality traits through friendships with healthy best friends.

Age Fourteen to Age Seventeen

Continuation of development.

Age Eighteen to Age Twenty-One

Independent living sets in. Last opportunity to reset adult personality

characteristics through bonding with healthy individuals.

Age Twenty-One Beyond

Therapy or self-help group will offer opportunities to overcome unhealthy behaviors.

When to Call It Quits

Internal Factors: Pain of staying outweighs pain of change If after several tries and outside help, the relationship

remain unchanged If there has been serious abuse of any kind without

serious professional assistance Staying out of fear or if you think you still can change

partner Have fallen out of love with person

WHAT MOVIE TRAILER FOR “THE

BREAK-UP”

External Factors that Signal Quitting Time

“Unfinished business” still causing problems.AffairProfound accident, illness or external family

pressure alters relationshipAddiction remain unresolved or relapse

occursChildren suffering consequences of partner’s

unhealthy behavior

FIFTEEN MINUTES OF DATING SMARTER

(WATCH MOVIE CLIP)

Date Smart Chapter 6

Physical Chemistry and Compatibility

Physical attractionSex appealMannerismsDress HygieneDe’j’a vu

Communication Skills

Eye contactVocabularyLanguage skills – grammar, profanity, contentWorld AwareFacial expressionMeaningless talkBelievability

Lifestyles and Interests

Career history, goals and incomeWork schedule and personal time managementHobbies and interestsSpiritual beliefsType of friends and time spent with them“Quirks”Taste and style: movies, food, music,

entertainmentHabits: good and bad

Parental, Educational and Geographic

Educational backgroundParental statusFamily of origin issuesDivorce, infidelity and recovery historyEthics, values and moralsCultural and regional factors

Relationship and Closure History

Marital statusDetailed dating history including types of

previous picks, longevity of relationships, status with former partners

Time since last relationship (not on rebound)Causes and conditions of relationship failureSexual preference and history

WORKSHEET

15 Minutes to Dating Smarter

MAKE THEM WANT YOU (WATCH MOVIE

CLIP)

Date Smart Chapter 7

Put Yourself in Tip-top Dating Shape (cards)

Watch less TVStay currentKeep fitBe honest and sincereActively listenThank and anticipate

but don’t assume Confirm your dateFollow up your date

Have reasonable expectations and be tactful

Follow-up your dateObey the speed limitDon’t delay

communication

Be “The Toast” Rather Than Become “TOAST”

(Cards) How to make a lasting first impression?Toast someone’s achievementTOAST (Typically Offensive and Stupid

Terminators) Poor Hygiene Two is company. Three’s a crowd. Choose an activity that helps you get to know person. Be on time Too much “I” and me don’t lead to “we”. Don’t oversell Call date by correct name Avoid intense PDA

Ways Men Can Impress Women

Be a gentlemanBe strong yet not abrasiveExpress and ask about feelingsExhibit confidenceBe accountable for your words and actionRealize that relationships can’t be bought.Treat her with respectSKIP DUE TO GROUP PROJECT

Ways Women Can Impress Men

Tell it like it is and don’t be fake.Strike balance between independence and relianceDon’t overanalyze him or situationMake a quick, firm decisionDon’t ask loaded questionsAllow him to treat you like a ladyBe on timeBe comfortable with his friends without going too

far.SKIP DUE TO GROUP PROJECT

MOVING FROM DATE TO MATE

Date Smart Chapter 8

Commitment Readiness

Can you place partner as top priority ?Are you willing to share life secrets?Are your dreams and goals similar?Are your expectations reasonable?Do you schedules work well together?What about children?Are you ready for changing your spending

patterns?

The Five Phases of a Relationship

Infatuation – instant connection, cannot stop thinking of them, other person main focus

Discovery – realize person isn’t perfectReality – notice personality characteristics are here

to stay, feel open to discuss issues, true passion comes (trust respect and intimacy), monogamy

Decision – are flaws acceptable or not, work to modify what bothers the other person, “Is you life enhanced?”

Commitment – rel. will either grow, stagnate, or regress

Ways for Women to Annoy Men

(Cards and You Tube Clip) Don’t say what you meanBe unclearCry oftenDredge up old thingsAsk loaded questionsOver analyzeAsk him to do something but then complain“You don’t love me anymore. You don’t treat

me like you did when we first met.”

Ways for Men to Annoy Women

Don’t callLieTalk about yourselfShow poor manners in publicWhen out on a date always point out the

other attractive women.Forgot special occasions.Give honest answers when she asks loaded

questions

YOUR NEW RELATIONSHIP

DESTINY

Date Smart Chapter 9

15 Basic Principles of Relationships

The one whom cares the least has the most control.

Successful relationships start with being the right person not finding the right person.

What was not resolved in past relationships will determine to whom you’ll be attracted in the future.

The longer you know someone the his/her imperfections show.

Many people think that a bad relationship is better than no relationship.

15 Relationship Principles (cont.)

Women are attracted to the “bad boys” and nice guys finish last.

People don’t grieve their failed relationships. We simply move on to repeat it again.

You will rarely, if ever, attract anyone healthier than you are.

For a loving/lasting relationship, you must have trust, respect, intimacy, passion and commitment.

How to Practice Romance on Men

Try not be sports “clueless”Ask him outLet him know you appreciate his effortsDrop him a noteBe prompt in responding to an offer for a

dateDon’t compare him to other guys while out on

a dateDon’t overreact when he wants to hang out

with his friends

How to Practice Romance on Women

Pay for dateDrop her an unexpected noteActively listenDon’t pay attention to other women when you

are out with her.Spend time alone with herAvoid checking the timeBe a gentleman

Key Points To Maintaining Relationship

Be honestPractice romanceDiscuss issues of importanceManage emotionsMaintain independenceTake equal responsibility for relationshipMaintain healthy balance in lifeDon’t take each other for grantedSupport partnerCommit to excellence

Ten Promises of An Exceptional Relationship

Complete and Unconditional LoveFearlessnessStabilityResolved Relationship HistoryHealthy Sacrifice and CompromiseQuality PresenceMutual SecurityFulfilled, DesiredHealthy Independent IdentityWorthiness and Commitment