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Introduction
Conflict is an unavoidable fact of human life. Conflict can be internal,
external, situational, and/or perpetual. The more a person identifies with the
stakes of the conflict the more emotionally terrifying the situation becomes.
In those moments many simply do not know how to deal with the task of
overcoming the conflict and moving forward in their relationships. This issue
will be addressed with specific emphasis on personal relationships such as
friendship, marriage, and family.
In order to provide a clear analysis of how to surmount the fear of
approaching conflict, and to do so effectively, a case study in the form of
fictional situations discovered in the novel Belong to Me will be provided.
This novel provides the opportunity to address how to begin and effectively
execute a particularly stressful difficult conversation, it provides a view into
a particularly successful marriage and gives the opportunity to demonstrate
the difference between perpetual and solvable problems within that
marriage, and lastly the novel looks into the benefits and pitfalls of the new
modern family.
To approach all of this information efficiently a summary of the novel
and the key events of focus will be provided. This will be followed by an
analysis of Event One in respect to why difficult conversations are
problematic to engage in and then suggestions for how Event One could
have been approached differently. As a lead in to Event Two there will be a
discussion about what specific attributes and actions signify a healthy
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marriage and how the participants of Event Two fall into this category. This
will follow with an analysis of the impact of Event Two upon the case study
characters and provide key questions to ask when determining if the
problem they face is perpetual or solvable. In turn suggestions for how deal
with Event Two will ensue. Finally, this paper will discuss the positive steps
taken by all involved in the case study of Belong to Me in order to
incorporate a healthy environment in their modern family demonstrating that
even extremely tense situations can have a positive outcome when conflict
is addressed versus avoided.
Summary
In the novel Belong to Me the relational connections of suburbia, such
as marriage, friendship, and family are brought to the forefront for analysis.
Cornelia was a small town girl who married her childhood friend. They had a
great life in the city, but after 8 years Cornelia has the urge to move back to
suburbia to raise a family. Her husband Teo is more than willing to make
this journey with her. However the pull of suburbia loses much of its charm
as Cornelia fails to impress the ringleader of the suburban housewives. Then
Cornelia meets Lake, who arrived in town shortly after Teo and Cornelia, and
her life starts to change in ways that she could never have imagined. Lake
introduces Cornelia to her son Dev. Lake and Cornelia grow closer after this,
but when Cornelia tells Lake the news that she is pregnant, with her child
Penny, something within Lake seems to shift before Cornelia’s eyes. As time
goes by Lake continues to push Dev closer to Teo and Cornelia while
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withdrawing herself from the situation. Cornelia is hurt and confused by the
circumstances, but does not press Lake. As the novel progresses the reader
starts to realize that Lake is withholding something from her son, from
Cornelia, and from Teo. Then the issue being repressed by Lake becomes
too complicated to remain hidden and Dev, Cornelia, and Teo find out that
14 year old Dev is Teo’s son.
To appropriately address the nuances of this conflict it will be broken
into Event One and Event Two. Event One is Lake’s decision to not engage
in the difficult conversation of telling Dev, Cornelia, and Teo her real reason
for coming to town. Event Two is the conflict that arises between Cornelia
and Teo once this information is discovered. After analyzing these two
events a discussion of the modern family and its conflicts will follow.
Event One
In order to provide reflection upon Event One this paper will reference
Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most written by
members of the Harvard Negotiation Project: Stone et al. To start, the
authors state that in every difficult conversation that has, or has not, been
brought up there is the What Happened Conversation, the Identity
Conversation, and the Feelings Conversation (Stone, 1999). In Lake’s case
these conversations are internal versus external. In her mind she is going
over what happened which is; she got pregnant by a man that she broke up
with and then decided to not tell him, nor her son, once Dev was born. Now
14 years later she is raising an extremely gifted child and thinks he may
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need funding for an education that she cannot afford on her own. She alone
has to face the idea of delivering news that will change three lives around
her. As she gets to know and like Cornelia the decision to speak up becomes
even harder.
This predicament is common across all types of situations. When
delivering bad news, people can get stuck in the cycle of trying to figure out
a way to relay the sensitive information without hurting anyone’s feelings.
When no solution comes to mind, avoidance of the issue continues, while
internal tension grows. In relation to this dilemma Stone et al explain:
Delivering a difficult message is like throwing a hand grenade.
Coated with sugar, thrown hard or soft, a hand grenade is still
going to do damage…and keeping it to yourself is no better.
Choosing not to deliver a difficult message is like hanging onto a
hand grenade once you’ve pulled the pin (1999, pp. xvii-xviii).
This metaphor is used to help one understand that there is a trap in
thinking there is a perfect way to address a conflict so that no one will
hurt. In most cases, someone is already hurt, that is why there is a
conflict. While Lake is going around in her mind trying to find a way
out of the situation, she is failing to see that the conflict already exists
within her and she cannot walk away from herself. How Lake perceives
the issue is stopping her from taking the necessary steps toward
engaging in conversation with her loved ones.
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This means that there is nothing that Lake can do to make the conflict
and pain disappear. By considering only action, a person can fail to realize
that “at heart the problem isn’t in your actions, it’s in your thinking” (Stone,
1999, p. xx). Stone et al. would suggest a “shift from a ‘message delivery’
stance to a ‘learning’ stance” (1999, p. xx). This means Lake can stop
worrying about the perfect solution and can instead focus on learning what
Dev, Cornelia, and Teo are thinking after the news has been delivered.
However, to reach a full understanding of the complexity of the situation it is
necessary to look deeper than just the What Happened Conversation. The
next crucial factor is the Feelings Conversation.
Feelings can be powerful indicators and when left unaddressed there
can be negative consequences. If Lake were calm then that would indicate a
situation that poses little threat to her sense of well-being. However, there is
conflict inside her and Lake knows this because she is feeling reluctant to
broach the conversation. The longer she waits the more powerful her
feelings become. Reluctance mixes with resentment and this with dread and
that dread comes from a sense of fear. By holding these feelings within,
Lake is slowly poisoning her sense of worth, because “when important
feelings remain unexpressed, you may experience a loss of self-esteem”
(Stone, 1999, p. 90). It becomes evident that Lake is experiencing this
turmoil when she starts distancing herself from Cornelia and then pushing
away the man she is falling in love with who is also unaware of her real
reasons for coming to Willow Street. As Lake continues to avoid the conflict
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within her she is starting to believe she is not worthy of continued respect
and love.
In concern to Lake and to all people facing this roadblock, a good
message to remember is this: “No matter who we are, no matter how high
and mighty we fancy ourselves, or how low and unworthy we may feel, we all
deserve to be treated with respect and dignity” (Stone, 1999, p. 186). This
means it is important to understand that although Lake may think she is not
worthy of love and respect, she is. It is essential to remember that all
humans are flawed. At some point in their lives, every person will make a
mistake, perhaps even a colossal mistake, that will hurt someone they care
about. For Lake to accept this, would mean accepting her feelings about the
situation, accepting the pain of her loved ones, and realizing that neither her
feelings, nor theirs should be denied the outlet of conversation. Once
discovering the myriad of feelings experienced during a conflict, it is
important to determine why that particular conflict triggered those specific
emotions through the Identity Conversation.
The question of what happened is an external stimulus while the
question of why it mattered is usually tied to internal identity. Any one
person can react to the same stimulus in a myriad of ways. Another person
may not find it hard to confront the topic at hand, but Lake is deeply
conflicted. Why? Usually this confliction is in direct relation to a person’s
perceived identity, because “our anxiety results not just from having to face
the other person, but from having to face ourselves” (Stone 1999, pp. 111-
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112). While the number of potential identities are infinite, Stone et al assert
that, “Three identity issues seem particularly common, and often underlie
what concerns us most during difficult conversations: Am I competent? Am I
a good person? Am I worthy of love?” (1999, p. 112). All of these concerns
are prevalent for Lake.
The reason this conflict is so overwhelming for Lake is because she
perceives all three of the common identities to be at stake. Over the past 14
years she has been making decisions for Dev and he has seen her as his rock
and she knows it. Now she is faced with the realization that he has been
suffering in school and that she may not be able to provide for a better
education on her own. To finally confront Teo with the information about his
son would mean coming to terms with the need to ask him for help and
bringing her competence identity into question. Then there is the fear that
when the news is out, she will hurt her son Dev and she will hurt Cornelia.
Lake sees herself as a good mother and her son is her life and his happiness
is more important to her than her own. Thinking of the confusion and pain
that her message could cause is horrifying for Lake. Likewise, she sees
herself as a good friend and while her intentions were good (she wanted to
find out the type of family she would potentially be exposing Dev to) the end
result was deception and not the actions of the good person identity. Finally,
the most important identity of all, am I worthy of love? As Lake is already
questioning her competence and her status as a good person her thoughts
on being worthy of love are wavering. What if her son, the most important
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person in her life, ends up hating her? The fear that Dev will hate her
already has her believing she is not loveable as displayed by her pushing
away both the man she loves and the friendship that she craves with
Cornelia.
Lake is caught in an “all-or-nothing” state of mind. Stone et al write,
“The biggest factor that contributes to a vulnerable identity is “all-or-
nothing” thinking: I’m either competent or incompetent, good or evil, worthy
of love or not” (1999, p. 114). The fact of the matter is that everyone is
human and, therefore, flawed. People make mistakes. They can be both
competent and have moments of incompetence, be good people and still
end up hurting others, and be worthy of love and still face rejection and
disappointment.
Suggestions
Lake could have approached her internal conflict through a different
lens, thus affecting the likelihood of her ability to approach the task of
delivering controversial information to the people she cares for. It starts with
the What Happened Conversation. In reality Lake is proportioning blame and
a lot of that blame is falling back on her. Lake believes she has failed to
provide a stable learning environment for her son and she believes it is her
fault that Cornelia will be destroyed by the news of her husband having a
child with another woman. Blame creates either/or thinking. Lake feels
either she is to blame, or she is not. This is simplifying the situation. It is
best to focus on contribution (Stone, 1999). Teo contributed to the situation
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by having unprotected sex and then not inquiring about the outcome. The
teachers contributed to the situation by turning Dev into the enemy versus
finding ways to encourage his mental abilities. Lake contributed by not
finding Teo, by not telling Dev the truth about his father, and by befriending
Cornelia before explaining the situation to her. Cornelia contributed by not
inquiring into why Lake pulled away. The contribution may not be equal, but
no conversation has a single person to blame nor a single right, or wrong
answer. If Lake could coach herself through the What Happened
Conversation, using contribution as her beacon, she can start to tutor her
mindset into seeing the conflict through a broader and more complex scope.
Next Lake needs to confront her feelings.
Lake could be feeling anything from shame to panic over the issue of
raising this tough topic. However, if she continues to push those feelings
down, then they will continue to inflict emotional harm. Lake needs to
confront her feelings and accept them for what they are: real. Whether she
admits to them or not, comes to term with them, or not, her feelings will still
be there. Therefore, if Lake accepts her feelings and accepts her right to
have them, she can continue to move even closer to a healthy and
productive mindset capable of managing her conflict. Lake must realize that
she has the right to be sad, scared, confused, unsure, angry, all of the above
and she must realize that it is okay to share those feelings. If she had, in an
alternate universe, confronted Dev, Teo, and Cornelia, before the situation
blew up in her face, she would have had the opportunity to share her
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uncertainty and her fear and anxiety over departing the complicated news
she had to impart. She could have given them the opportunity to
understand her reasons for reluctance and given them the opportunity to
open up in turn with how they felt. As happened, Lake did not confront her
feelings and when the situation came to light, everyone was too caught up in
their own emotions to be able to see where Lake was coming from.
Therefore, in the coaching scenario, it would be wise for Lake to go through
her Feelings Conversation while placing an emphasis upon her entitlement to
feel the way she feels and still deserve respect. Finally Lake needs to have
the Identity Conversation.
After Lake has accepted her feelings, she needs to realize where those
feelings are stemming from. This usually has to do with a fear of having an
identity put on the table for attack. Lake should walk herself through the
identity questions of: Am I competent?, Am I a good person?, and Am I
loveable? As she asks herself these questions she needs to understand the
vulnerability she feels within each category. Then, and most importantly,
she needs to realize that it is ok to be vulnerable in each category; it is ok to
be fallible. Lake must appreciate the beauty of and thinking; she can both
admit to her mistakes and still be a competent person. She can possibly hurt
those she cares about with this information and still be a good person, and
she can accept Dev and Cornelia’s disappointment and still be loveable.
Once Lake realizes that everyone is complex, including herself, she can let
go of the burden of always saying and doing and knowing the right thing and
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start to simply be. She can accept who she is and what she feels and realize
her and others’ contributions and simply state what she knows and feels
about herself and then be open to receiving the same information from those
around her.
Walking through the entire process of internal conflict through Lake’s
eyes is a great way to understand and utilize the power of the Three
Conversations. Now it is time to look at what conflict arises for Cornelia and
Teo after the news of Dev’s heritage is discovered. First it will be good to
analyze the state of Teo and Cornelia’s marriage. Determining if they have a
healthy marriage is important in analyzing how they will be affected by
conflict. Marriages with healthy habits are normally better able to cope with
conflict when it arises, because they have a strong foundation of mutual
respect. Therefore, for those wanting to analyze the conflict arising for Teo
and Cornelia in order to apply it to their own marriages, it is necessary to
understand how they are already succeeding within their marriage.
How to Determine a Healthy Marriage
In analyzing the structures of marital conflict, this paper will reflect
upon the text The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical
Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert written by John M.
Gottman Ph.D. To start, Gottman makes a strong assertion:
At the heart of my program is the simple truth that happy
marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a
mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company.
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These couples tend to know each other intimately—they are well
versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes,
and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and
express this fondness not just in the big ways but in little ways
day in and day out” (1999, pp. 19-20).
By looking at a couple of quotes from Belong to Me, it is clearly apparent that
this is indeed the type of marriage Teo and Cornelia are a part of. The first
sign of their happy marriage occurs early in the novel. Cornelia is looking
around their new neighborhood thinking about how it looks like home to her
when:
‘It looks like home,’ Teo said, and after a mild double take (very
mild, since the man reads my mind with unnerving regularity)…
and although we were years and miles away from that place,
that childhood…I could almost see the children we had been
darting through the dusk (Santos, 2008, p. 3).
This statement demonstrates how in sync Cornelia feels with her husband.
For her it is just a matter of course that her husband would read her mind
and be able to recall their earliest childhood memories. This ties in to what
Gottman says about emotionally intelligent couples: “Emotionally intelligent
couples are intimately familiar with each other’s worlds” (1999, p. 48).
A second sign of the stable state of their marriage can be examined
through this passage: “ ‘Whose side are you on?’ I demanded, although of
course I knew the answer. Always and in every way that mattered, mine”
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(Santos, 2008, p. 11). This statement is especially powerful, because it
reveals that inherently Cornelia feels that she and her husband are in “it”
together. That it is them versus the world. In an unhappy marriage Cornelia
would not feel that sense of “we-ness.” In an unhappy marriage Cornelia
would feel isolated from Teo and instead of internally assuming that of
course he has her back, she would be assuming the opposite.
Now for a final question, “Do Cornelia and Teo have shared meaning in
their lives?” In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Gottman talks extensively about the importance of shared meaning:
Marriage isn’t just about raising kids, splitting chores, and making love. It can
also have a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together
—a culture rich with symbols and rituals, and an appreciation for your roles and
goals that link you, that lead you to understand what it means to be a part of the
family you have become (1999, pp. 243-244).
A beautiful expression of this sentiment is laid bare when Cornelia tells Teo
that she is pregnant after they have been trying for months:
‘I’m five feet tall,’ I told him. ‘Will you still love me when I’m
spherical?’ And there it was, around his face for maybe half a
second, an aurora of gold. ‘Cor,’ he said. Latin for heart. A
nickname he almost never used, one so private, it’s almost a
secret from us, too. ‘I’ve been waiting my whole life to love you
when you’re spherical’ (Santos, 2008, p. 171).
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This is an example of shared meaning. During a momentous time in their
lives Teo uses a nickname so special it is known only by the two of them,
showing their solidarity in that moment of not just being Teo and Cornelia,
but of being a couple.
By applying the characteristics of happy and healthy marriages, as
defined by Dr. Gottman, to the relationship between Teo and Cornelia it can
be clearly shown that they are experiencing a stable and committed
marriage. Now it will be interesting to see how they respond to each other
during an extreme conflict in Event Two. In analyzing Event Two this paper
will discuss how to determine whether the conflict Teo and Cornelia face is
perpetual or solvable and why. This will be followed by suggestions for
dealing with marital conflict as a whole.
Event Two
The case with perpetual and solvable problems is that they both arise
out of personal perception. Whereas for one couple the issue of how fast the
husband drives is something that can be talked through logically and without
much heat, another couple may become gridlocked and unable to move past
it. According to Gottman, this has to do with dreams:
To navigate your way out of gridlock, you have to first
understand its cause. Whether the issue is momentous, like
which of your religions to pass on to your children, or ridiculous,
like which way to fold dinner napkins, gridlock is a sign that you
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have dreams for your life that aren’t being addressed or
respected by each other (1999, p. 217).
Therefore, while one wife may simply be annoyed with her husband’s driving,
another wife may feel like his driving is a sign of aggression and his
unwillingness to slow down may actually mean her dream of being in a
relationship that provides calm security is not being realized. Therefore, the
issue is not the driving, it is the lack of a realized dream. So simply put,
perpetual problems are dealing with the subtext of an argument. Any
specific argument is just a reverberation of an unrealized dream as a whole.
On the other hand, solvable problems are situational; they are a case by
case basis that normally has a reasonable solution. As Gottman states, “One
way to identify solvable problems is that they seem less painful, gut
wrenching, or intense than perpetual, gridlocked ones” (1999, p. 134).
Perpetual problems are a sign of something deeper; the dream that is not
being realized. Therefore, the situation at hand is only the visible conflict,
while the true conflict remains invisible. In most cases, perpetual problems
will exist throughout a marriage and these problems will need to be
addressed again and again. While never truly resolved, couples can learn to
integrate them into their relationships and live with these problems without
extreme emotional duress. With the difference between solvable and
perpetual problems established, it is time to find out which category Teo and
Cornelia fall under.
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When Cornelia hears the news, she is shattered. At first this conflict
shows the potential to be a perpetual gridlocked problem. This is what
Cornelia thinks and sees:
I focus on his green eyes, and wish upon them the way people
wish upon shooting stars and dandelion clocks. It is not a brave
wish. Belong to me, I think. I rest a finger on the dip in his upper
lip, then lift it away. ‘Teo, tell me what all of this means’ (Santos,
2008, p. 330).
Teo continues to stand in front of Cornelia and his focus is on her, but then
Dev loses his composure and runs out the door:
Dev moves fast toward the door, and that’s when it happens, the
thing that, afterward, I will keep seeing happen: Teo jumping to
his feet, turning his back in his white polo shirt, going after Dev,
leaving me gasping and sick. Leaving Penny (Santos, 2008, p.
331).
These moments demonstrate that Cornelia has a dream of belonging within
her relationship. For her the relationship hinged upon it being her and Teo,
and now Penny, against the world. By realizing that he already had a son
with another woman she feels like that dream is being ripped apart. This
inner dilemma is further demonstrated as Cornelia talks to her friend Piper
about the situation of incorporating Dev into her vision of a family:
‘Oh I know I can love Dev. I know that. And I will do whatever
needs doing. I’m talking about happiness. I don’t know if I can
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be happy with Dev in our lives as Teo’s son.’…‘It’s just that I had
a vision of how my life would be. I’ve had visions before that
never came to pass, and I was better off for getting thrown for a
loop. But this. It’s hard to let go of my idea of family, just Teo
and me and our little baby’ (Santos, 2008, p. 341).
The fact that Cornelia is willing to work at the problem and work at loving
Dev is a good sign, but her doubts about happiness are not. If she cannot
overcome her negative feelings about losing the dream of family that she
had envisioned for herself, then eventually her bitterness will continue to
grow into a perpetual problem in a gridlocked state with no room to
maneuver. All marriages will have perpetual problems that continually recur
and resolve. The problem with gridlock is that there is no ebb in the conflict.
The conflict stagnates so that neither party can feel at peace within the
marriage. However, there are key moments that signify that this issue,
though perpetual, will not end in a gridlock for Teo and Cornelia. First she
states:
I never see my husband from a distance…Immediacy comprises
most of how I love him. Total immersion…this didn’t change, not
as I sat in Penny’s room searching his face, not through the fifty-
six hours of hell I was about to put him through. I loved him the
way I always love him, the whole time (Santos, 2008, p. 336).
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This shows that while Cornelia is feeling the distress of having her dream
taken away from her, she still sees Teo as her rock. She still sees him as the
one she wants to turn toward. Gottman writes:
Partners who characteristically turn toward each other rather
than away are putting money in the bank. They are building up
emotional savings that can serve as a cushion when times get
rough, when they’re faced with major life stress or conflict (1999,
p. 80).
It is apparent that Cornelia is indeed drawing upon that emotional bank
account and that while she is devastated, she is not losing faith in her love,
respect, and admiration for her husband. The next demonstrated situation is
vital. As the stress of the conflict continues to rise between them, Teo finally
states that he would understand if she wanted to walk away. After hearing
this, in the middle of the night Cornelia wakes up in a panic and runs down to
Teo to tell him:
‘You’re not allowed to think I’d leave you. You hear me? Or that
I wouldn’t have married you if I had known. I’m sorry. I love you
so much, and still, I made you feel that way.’ ‘Cor.’ He ran his
fingers over my face. ‘I’m sorry, too. I missed you.’ (Cornelia) ‘I
left you alone with everything. But I wont do that anymore. I
promise…I have a new question for you. For both of us.’ ‘Ok.’
‘What are we going to do?’ As soon as I said it, I understood its
power, this single, simple question, and what had frightened me
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so much was suddenly no longer a threat. It was something for
us to do together, to make a part of us (Santos, 2008, pp. 347-
348).
This essential moment changes everything about how the conflict will be
resolved. This is because Cornelia was able to maintain her dream. She was
able to maintain her sense of Teo and her against the world. This changes
the game. Now the issue of Dev is not something that can potentially
destroy Cornelia’s sense of self, instead it is a perpetual issue, but one that
her and Teo are happy to figure out together. They decide they want Dev to
be a part of their lives and that they want him to feel as much a part of the
family as possible. They discuss this both with Dev and with Lake, imploring
them both to stay in town and give everyone a chance to forge together a
new sense of family. In the following section of suggestions this paper will
address what Teo and Cornelia did right.
Suggestions
Event One was an opportunity to explore how conflict management
can go wrong. Event Two gives us the opportunity to examine how conflict
management can go right. The first aspect to approach is how well Teo and
Cornelia support one another. This is not some magical happening that
occurs for only a few, it is a choice. When Cornelia talks about her day she
knows that Teo is listening and supporting her. When big moments happen
she knows he is going to be experiencing them and celebrating them with
her. More importantly she knows he is going to remember the little
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moments. Their shared history is prevalent in both of their minds and
throughout the book they call upon it quickly. They have both chosen to
make the other person an important part of their lives and they actively
participate in supporting each other; in doing so they continue to build
mutual respect and admiration. This paper suggests following the same
tactics and viewing love as a verb, an action.
If love is an action then it is something that must be done. A man
must actively love his wife and in order to make that a verb he must do
something. So paying attention, asking about her day, remembering the
names of her friends, perhaps bringing flowers home spontaneously, these
are all acts of love and they beget the same in kind. When a woman sees
that her man is actively loving her, she feels respected, admired and
cherished and is more likely to then in turn do the same for him. It does not
matter who starts the cycle, it only matters that there does indeed exist a
cycle of actively loving and continuing to build the emotional bank account
that Gottman refers to.
When extreme conflict was introduced to Teo and Cornelia they of
course both suffered from some severe fallout. However, their strong
foundation held them together giving them the fighting chance that couples
without an emotional bank account do not have. Therefore, in spite of the
tough situation they still turned toward each other and came together as a
couple to find a way through the circumstance together. To follow this
example is to save a marriage. Even without a strong foundation if a couple
21
makes the decision to turn toward each other and find a way through the
conflict together, they stand a chance of increasing their sense of we and
coming out of the conflict stronger in their relationship and feelings toward
one another.
In so far this paper has discussed difficult conversations through an
analysis and evaluation of Event One. Then a guideline for understanding
how a healthy marriage operates was provided by citing the work of John M.
Gottman, PH. D. This was followed by an analysis of how the case study
couple handled their marriage when faced with an extreme conflict in Event
Two. The suggestions that followed encouraged readers to use Event Two as
an example of how conflict can be managed effectively. Now this paper will
offer a brief discussion on the outcome of the particular conflict provided by
the case study of Belong to Me: The modern family.
The Modern Family
For this discussion, reference to The Marriage and Family Experience:
Intimate Relationships in a Changing Society will be provided. The modern
family referred to in this discussion is the non-traditional family, i.e. blended
families, or stepfamilies. As the 21st Century continues to progress, the
number of non-traditional families continues to increase. With them come a
host of new insecurities and potential for conflict. A good way to stop the
fight before it begins is to concede that the modern family is not like the
traditional family and so should not be expected to fit into the same mold.
Strong et al. of The Marriage and Family Experience state:
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If we try to make our feelings and relationships in a stepfamily
identical to those of an intact family, we are bound to fail. But if
we recognize that the stepfamily works differently and provides
different satisfactions and challenges, we can appreciate the
richness it brings us and have a successful stepfamily (2005, p.
516).
This means it is necessary to approach a stepfamily with a realistic mindset
and realize that love and cohesiveness will not be achieved overnight. This
is exemplified in Belong to Me when Cornelia states, “It is one of the days
when we make it look easy, and trust me when I tell you that we have our
hard days, too. Hard weeks. But I’ve found that if you insist on goodwill, if
everyone insists on it together, goodwill comes. I’ve found that love can be
a decision. Forgiveness, too” (Santos, 2008, pp. 385-386). Here we see that
after the conflict has settled, Lake, Dev, Teo, Cornelia, and Penny are all part
of a new family and that it requires work, but as a whole they have decided
to choose a collaborative approach versus one of hostility.
One of the recurring issues faced by this new family is the issue of
territoriality between Lake and Teo. For 14 years Lake has raised Dev
herself and has had the sole say in how he was raised. Now that Teo is
aware he is a father he wants to be a part of the decision making as well. As
reflected by Stone et al:
A stepfather usually joins an already established single-parent
family. He may find himself having to squeeze into it. The
23
longer a single-parent family has been functioning, the more
difficult is usually is to reorganize it (2005, p. 521).
While Teo has not remarried into the family of Lake and Dev, he has been
latently brought into the established schema just the same. In Belong to Me
Cornelia speaks in reference to Lake and Teo’s new relationship, “She
reserves her territoriality, her assertions of parental primacy, for Teo, who
for all his quietude and kindness, can be as fierce as anyone. What saves
them every time, what drives them into truces, compromises, and listening,
is Dev” (Santos, 2005, p. 387). This is great news. It shows that while Teo
and Lake are going to be confronted with conflict again and again, Lake is
willing to bring the issue to light versus hiding it in the dark, and both her
and Teo are willing to come together for the shared meaning of Dev. If Lake
could be coached through the processes of the Three Conversations she
would be able to bring a strength and new awareness to her modern family,
and if Teo could bring the strengths he has developed through his marriage
to this new family, including Cornelia, then everyone stands a chance at
living full, happy and healthy lives. Lives that will no doubt be full of conflict,
but also filled with resolution, consideration, and respect.
Conclusion
This paper has addressed conflict issues between friends, parent to
child, husband to wife, and in context of the modern family. By first cross-
examining Event One, as occurred in the case study Belong to Me, with
Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most written as part of
24
the Harvard Negotiation Project, one could see the complexity of conflict. It
was demonstrated that there are three conversations present during conflict:
The What Happened Conversation, the Feelings Conversation, and the
Identity Conversation. Stress occurs in the what happened conversation
when the focus is an emphasis on fixing the problem versus understanding
it. In the feeling conversation stress arises when feelings are ignored,
allowed to fester, or thought to be unworthy of notice. Finally, stress takes
place when the internal identity conversation is perceived as either/or versus
and.
Next this paper provided insight into what constitutes a healthy
marriage as defined by The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A
Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert written by
John M. Gottman, PH.D. It was asserted that healthy marital couples know
each other intimately, are emotionally intelligent, and they have shared
meaning.
Following this definition cross analysis between Event Two as it
occurred in Belong to Me and the work of John M. Gottman clarified the
difference between solvable and perpetual problems. Solvable problems are
situational and normally have a reasonable solution. Perpetual problems are
the result of an unrealized dream.
After analyzing Event Two, suggestions were provided for managing
marital conflict. It was encouraged to view love as a verb. This meant
actively engaging in activities of affection and respect. Then the importance
25
of an emotional bank account was emphasized to include creating an overall
sense of we within the marriage.
Finally, the prevalent issues encountered in the modern family as
indicated by The Marriage and Family Experience: Intimate Relationships in a
Changing Society were cross-examined with the similar issues demonstrated
in the Belong to Me case study. This exhibited that the modern family
should not be expected to feel like a traditional family and that territoriality
issues are bound to be frequent. It was also emphasized that in spite of
opportunities for conflict, the modern family can be healthy and happy.
Works Cited
Gottman, John, Silver, Nan. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage
Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship
Expert. New York, New York: Crown Publishers, Inc.
Santos, de los Marisa. (2008). Belong to Me. New York, New York:
HarperCollins Publishers.
Stone, Douglas, Patton, Bruce, Heen, Sheila. Difficult Conversation: How to
Discuss What Matters Most. New York, New York: Penguin Group, Inc.
26
Strong, Bryan, DeVault, Christine, Cohen, Theodore. (2005). The Marriage
and Family Experience: Intimate Relationships in a Changing Society.
Belmont, California: Thomson Learning, Inc.
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